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My mental breakdown of the past weeks.


TiredAndScared

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Hi all thank for having me here.

I hope you don't mind but i want to tell a a bit about myself and what brought me to this place.
But perhaps a tiny introduction is in place.
I'm a 40 year old male living in The Netherlands in a small village near the coast.
Perhaps it's also necessary to mention that i have not much (if any) of a social life outside of work or obligations like deaths or marriages and stuff like that.


My story below is written in an odd style with thoughts and conclusions. My apologies for that. It made sense for me to write it in this style.

I tried to write it down exactly as i experienced it.
However it is the first time ever that i honestly thought about it and put it to words

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So what brought me to this website...
Well utter confusion and fear would be my first reply to that question if i'm completely honest.
You see, a few weeks ago mind and body was "triggered" (for the lack of a better word) by something i was reading.

 

I have one simple main hobby and that is reading web novels. Perhaps some gaming on the side now and then but not so much anymore.
Reading has always been a part of me ever since i was little. Stacks of books, comics, readers digest before i was 10, magazines and what not.
I also loved listening to stories.

 

Anyways a while ago i was again reading and was a bit "in the mood" and went to a website that perhaps could give me some interesting stories to read.
And oh boy i got something to read alright.

 

You see, not to be to specific but due to some misclick i steered away from my lets say "usual genres" to something different while i was not aware of it.
I was reading about a boy/young man that had interest in woman's clothing and hides it for the rest of the world.


So far so good. I'm still happily reading along realizing that it was a different genre but it was well written and exciting to read so i continued.

Before i go on i have to tell you that i always have been a quite emotional person. Beautiful scenes in books can let me a tear or 2 and im aware of it.
I also have that with movies but i digress.

 

So i was reading along the the story and it came to a point where the young man was caught by a family member and breaks down emotionally.
At this point i was still fine...

 

However the reaction of that family member completely broke me own in tears.
Utter acceptance... simple understanding and acceptance for the young man trying the clothes that he likes.

 

I had quite a big emotional breakdown and bigger than every other time i was reading stories.
But at that moment i was not aware of it and actually liked it.
And that i get emotional from a story is a marker that it's a good story for my taste at least.
So i happily went on with reading in this new transgender genre...

 

After a couple of stories i noticed something weird about myself.
Why am i constantly crying with these stories?
Why is the crying so intense?
Why don't i have it so intense with other stories?

***small voice in head***
Why is it every time when he gets help with his feelings...?

 

Once this notion came in my head i was.... well confused and scared and.... and lost is also a good word to describe it i guess.
But even in this emotional state i tried to be rational.
You see, I have a weird thing that i analyse problems from different angles before i make a conclusion even if the result is against myself.


My mind went in overtime.
So is this a temporary fetish?
Are those types of stories my thing that i just discovered that i didn't know about?
Am i getting ill so my body has a chemical imbalance that makes me more emotional?

 

I calmed down a bit after that and waited for the next day to see if i got a cold or something.

***Middle of the night around 0400***
Woke up crying.... forced myself to sleep again... odd. (ignored the screem in my head "why not me?) 

 

I woke up in the morning after an horrible night of no rest and determined to read more stories.
So i went and did.  And it continued for a few days. Ignoring my thoughts and let the emotions overwhelm me.
Perhaps this would let me understand what is going on in my brain.

 

I can't remember it well when i got another sudden realization in those days but it suddenly hit me..
I....I....I identify myself with the persons who get caught dressing in those stories?
Why the hell would i do that?
Am i... No no no no no i can't.

 

At that moment i had a sudden flashback to my youth and life...
*I didn't have much male friends that i can remember but i played much with girls.
*I wanted to do ballet but my parents forced me to gymnastics.
*I loved riding horses and my parents helped me with that for over 7 years
*I Liked baking and would pester my mom to help me bake cakes and cookies.
*I remember my body feeling weird big but assumed it was like that for everyone. 
*Uhm i remember doing some bets that involved getting dressed up as a woman and walk outside in public...  and not have a problem with it.

 

At this moment was also the moment when i almost passed out as i realized that my mind was going in overtime but my body and breath was completely frozen.
I got my breath back but my mind was still going in lightning speed and countless of thoughts passed by that seemed related to it,to this.....to....me.

 

A small thing to explain at this point is that i have smoked weed all my life. 
Messed around with alcohol and other stuff in my late teens but stopped rather quickly with that.
For the next 20 years i only drunk 1 beer at the wedding of my best mate. And smoked myself brain dead for the rest of those 20 years

 

But that was until 2 weeks ago. Downed 3 bottles of sparking melon wine in a weekend alone behind the pc reading more stories.
The Monday after that weekend i was scared to death about what i did and i haven't bought any more since then.

 

From then till now i have looked on internet and got scared how quickly my mind was willing to accept this.... I'm still scared.
Scared, sad, confused and also angry.

 

Wait what?... Angry?   Why the hell would i be angry?

When this thought came along i was initially stunned.
Mad on myself? well yea but that's a normal state of mind.
Mad on other then?  no, none comes in mind.

 

Then i got hit with it.... I was pissed off of my body..
Weird...  i never liked my body as it is but not this kind of rejection.
And it seems..... familiar?
This feeling of rejection is familiar?

 

Well at this point in time i got very scared
Scared of myself, my mind. 
What am i going to do?  
Can i do anything?
What about my family?
Do i need guidance?
How do i start something like this?
what, how, what , when.....

 

I tried to calm down and i sort of managed it.
Probably smoked more in 3 days than in a normal week.
And i realized that my state of mind was... less then perfect.


While i was/am in that state i realized that i wanted to talk to someone about this

So i contemplated my options.
Doctor?  No, to fast.
Some kind of sex counselor?  No, still need to go to the doctor for that.

 

And only after a while i remembered in those stories that i have read that a lot of information can be found on internet.
Can you believe it? An IT guy for over 20 years forgetting internet to look up information.
Like i say'd. My state of mind is currently not optimal.

Now i'm here telling my events of the past few weeks and scared -clean bathroom- on what this all means or could mean for me and i'm lost trying not to burst into tears every line.


I am not seeking conformation
I am seeking conformation
I want to tell my story 
I don't want to tell my story.
I'm scared
Scared of negative reactions but also equal scared for positive reactions and what feelings they will bring.

 

Who or what the hell am i. 
I'm very scared and crying....

 

But i need to tell it or else i might go insane i feel.

I have no friends nor did i have someone who i could talk to in the past 20 years or so.
Thank you that i'm allowed to post my story here.

I'm off to a shower...  brain hurts....   muscles hurt of tension.....tired..... need sleep for the next day of emotions.

 

 

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Sleep well!  My journey to self understanding required time and a lot of emotional turmoil.  We each have our own journeys but in sharing that with others i found i could grow.  Therapy also helped me open up but without reading about others here and sharing my journey i doubt i would have found the acceptance i have today.

I'm glad you have joined in.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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It can be a real struggle when we something about ourselves that we had been able to avoid all our lives.

For me a lot of things in my past began to finally start making sense.

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The initial "shock" of suddenly questioning your gender is not something that can be taken lightly.  The confusion can be made worse by the fact that there is so much misinformation available, even from people that mean well.

 

This forum provides any ideal environment in which to ask questions, and to research the experiences of other people who have been in a similar situation. 

 

It took me a very long time to come to terms with myself, even when things made sense. 

 

Robin.

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Tired & Scared, Thank you for your story, I think you will find other's stories here that resonate with yours. Maybe the title of yours might evolve into, "The Awakening." One of the books I've found helpful in my gender journey ( Thank you @Shay ! ) is You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox, they read it on YouTube as well.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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3 hours ago, Delcina B said:

You & Your Gender Identity by Dara Hoffman Fox

I have that, and watched a number of their YouTube chanel when I was first starting to ask those questions.

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Thank you all for you kind words and advice.
And i'm sorry for late reply. I feel so weird currently and "out" of it at the moment.

=======
Also i know i write a bit weird. 
It's a combination of memories and real-time thoughts. It seems that this way of writing gives me a tool for expressing myself.
Also the stop gaps  in the layout and the dots (...) are moments that i'm thinking or doubting myself. 
=======

I thought i would be able to see the replies normally after a day of not looking here and calming down a bit and take my mind of things like i basically did the past 28 years. (Yea weed abuse from a young age until now)
It helped...... slightly for about 10 sec before i was emotional again.

It's so strange that so many things come to memory that make me question myself.
And how my mind is so willing to go this way.

And how scary it is and i'm actually physically uncomfortable because of that.

My rational mind is trying to keep everything under control like i have done forever.
To be honest, i have always tried to live my live simple.
Work and weed....  I was simply  a walking half sleeping mess, merely composed of information and standard replies to every question that could come to my way.
Emotions were ruled out. 
In my mind emotions would be against the truths that i needed to survive in one way or the other.
Even if it the solutions were against myself.....  simply uncaring
No hard thinking.
Unwilling to make any sort of career progress.
No relations....  or any intimate contact in any way of form for the past 20 years.

 

Passive......  Complete and utter stillness.
Simply frozen in time and unwilling to do anything for myself.
Only doing what i'm expected to do for basic survival and barely keeping in contact with society.

Nobody around me.

Silence and my empty thoughts, not caring about anything nor myself.
My "safe zone".

 

And now i'm talking here, or  write i should say.

My brain is in an odd state of going fast and slow.
1000 thoughts a second and the next moment back in my mental safe zone.

I'm  freaked out why i'm doing this and writing here.
A part of my brain is saying that my feelings are fake, that i'm lying, and i should quit with his everything and live "normal"
Whatever the hell that may mean in my situation.
My memories and feelings show me that i perhaps want something else? Even if those signs are subconsciously.

 

My rational thought says that i should explore that ignored path of feelings... emotions.
I haven't set a foot on that path for a long long time and it's scary.
Even standing close to this path lets me feel things that i don't know and how i'm to act on them.
Most feeling are enveloped in fear. Fear for the unknown.
Quickly sending my mind back to my safe zone as an programmed response.

 

Beeing around other people? Force myself in groups?
I tried but big groups are... scary.
Both males or females.

I have stared for 10 minuted at my screen since this last sentence contemplating if i finally should write about this to anyone who is willing to listen. Writing helps a tiny bit to get my thoughts in order and kept it pg as possible.
(Admins/mods please feel free to amend the following sections as deemed necessary)

I have been attacked a couple of times in my life. Even tho i did nothing wrong.


One time i remember. I was younger than 10yo and was in an outdoor swimming pool somewhere in Spain on vacation.
Some group of older girls were also playing around and i remember having a great time with everyone. 
Also the days before everything was fine and fun.  
I also remember that at some point while i was playing, everyone in that group was talking with each-other and were looking to me from time to time. I was kinda curious i guess and then they also started to play in the water with me.

Then the groping started........   That was not nice and scary and confusing and painful.
Never told anyone about it after my older brother told me that was a good fun thing for boys.

I still think that was scary at that time.  I don't have much contact anymore with my brother nowadays even tho we live in the same village. Lots of other stuff happend between me and him.

Also got attacked 2 times by groups of males in my teens out of nowhere.
Just because..,
I don't get it....

Why?


Also got overpowered one time by someone who i thought was my friend.
We were walking in a forest (Not much else to do about here) 
Walking with that friend and some older dude who i thought was cool and simply having some fun exploring nature.
Not much memories remain from the rest of the walk but i do remember that i somehow was pinned down on the ground at one point with my pants down getting fondled unable to move arms or legs......  Somehow i escaped that and was actually able to tell about it to my parents and a visiting aunt.
Scared to death not even wiling to listen to my self.
Standing there with my fingers in my own ears trying to tell what happend unwilling to listen to my own voice.....

Never heard if anything happend after that... Also can't remember any significant talk with anyone after that.
Also those forest visits have stopped for a very very long time now.

*Sigh*

Guess i'm more f'ed up in my mind than i thought i was now i read everything back.
Professional help would not be out of order i guess.
Maybe forward this forum to her or whatever idk.
It's hard to talk irl. Face to face and get my point across.
idk. 

 

All i wanted to do is thank everyone and somehow suddenly this came out of nowhere.
Perhaps the safety of internet anonymity is what is causing this ramble.
Perhaps somehow my subconscious is telling me that writing about this is good for me.
Perhaps the kind replies here are encouraging me to do so.
I don't know....    it's weird how i'm willing to write about this all here.


I hope it's allowed to write here like i do now. or that i should be moving this kind of rambling to another section or simply should stop? If so, my apologies and i will do so.

Somehow it is introspective to write here. knowing that perhaps somewhere someone is reading this this stuff that my brain is going on about.  Perhaps now , perhaps in the future.  I don't even know what my goal is by hoping that.... Perhaps it's slightly comforting just knowing that some of my crap is documented somewhere because i can't help anyone with there mess of thoughts that i noted down now i think about it. 

And i'm staring at my monitor again for about 10 min....  odd how those thinking intervals are around ten min.


I thinking about how i'm actually willing now to share more thoughts and feelings from my other sides.
And this exact point is what is freaking me out. Not the telling about.  But the willingness to do so.
I don't understand it.......  Or perhaps to scared to do so.......
My mind is F'ed up....  I don't like myself how i am now in any form.

Pfff i was having actually thoughts of telling about what i perhaps should call .... suppressed me? idk 
But it was happy thoughts in the start of the previous paragraph.
It's almost comical how fast my brain does a 180 and goes the other way in double time like a cartoon.

10min again.

Rolled another one. I'm sorry if i appear to open with my weed abuse but i want to note it down.
So others know my state of mind and perhaps also for myself if i read it back in the future.
I will not explain any further what it does to me. I should quit it. I hope i can.... Someday.

 

Like i sayd; i was planning to tell all the other things that i noticed about myself when i was growing up in my first 20 years on this planet. Please bear with me as i'm trying to make some sort of a list of it.
Every time something positive comes up its getting suppressed by negative thoughts but here it goes.

My other self (What i can remember):

While you read the next text please keep in mind that i grew up in the '80 in a village.
Some things were never heard of or spoken about or were simply not exposed to.
You grew up, act normal, keep to the house rules. Or else punishment.

house arrest, nintendo confiscated, etc or if it was bad a slap to the head.
slight pause here....  well nvm...
What i want to say here is that i simply was unknowing of what the real world had to offer.
You were supposed to follow the normal traditions and culture.....
Anyways...

Basically a trip down memory lane and perhaps some added facts now i concentrate on it.
Please keep in mind that all that i type here is real-time thoughts and memories as accurate as possible without giving away who i am. In the past week and days some old memories came up that i had long forgotten and it simply shocked me.
All incidents i wrote off due to either my own personal fears, cultural fears, expectations, etc. 
But all added together made me realize that..... well yea.... that i perhaps have a different side to me.

I can mostly remember playing with girls from an early age on. 
Nothing special comes to mind only that it was always more girls than boys. Perhaps i remember wrong but that is what my mind shows me. And they always wanted to see me again? Not sure why nor can i remember what we played but i guess something clicked somehow. Why would they see me again?

And i also remember some toys that i had when i was a young kid. Most notably my stuffed animals and my plastic kitchen play thingy.  I played a lot with that. 
I also was very restless, tested for ADHD in the end but found negative. I don't know what it was but i remember that i was very upset going there for the test with my mom. Somehow i hated it. but this was in my early teens already.

I also remembering that i loved nature. Helping a bird stuck in a bush or bringing a duckling home because it's mother was gone.  Sadly it died a day later... i cried the whole night.

 

i also remember something that i already wrote about in my openings post.
Parents pushed to do sports from an early age like 7~8 yo.
I loved to do different things in sports.
Horseback riding (Done that for 7 years , F yes!  🤗😊

Wanted to do ballet but that was replaced the one below cause my parents would't agree cus it was more for girls.
I guess they made a compromise and enticed met with gymnastics with their fantastically impossible moves. 
Gymnastics for a couple years on a competition level. (Sadly boys side. would have loved to tried some of the equipment the girls had.)
I remember that one time tho as a prank performance we all trained for a typical girl team performance.

All the boys got dressed up in girl clothing. It was very fun. 
And the one remark i still remember today is that one of the audience members say'd: "It seems there are a couple boys mixed in between". I didn't recognize the feeling that i had at the moment when i heard, but now later in life i can say that it was pride.
All the gymnastics was simply fun times for me. Loved playing with the equipment.  

But a bit later some of the things happend what i talked about earlier. 
And this got me early initiated in the world of things that people can do to each-other.

Damn it, it seems that simply going on telling about the good things is impossible without writing about the darker things that i somehow seemed to slip into.

i guess i became a mess between my 11 and 13 bday.
I remember things happend to me.
People doing .... things.   .....  damnit dont cry..... keep typing..
Remember that boy that helped those birds? 
I F'ing remember that i, at one point was knocking a frog about with a baseball bat in that periode.
i lost my virginity to a girl somewhere on a street when i was 12.
Got into smoking and weed and i discoverd alcohol.
I was bad with relationships, bonds, connections.... wanted to get out....  escaped from home one day when i was 12-13? to the city at night wanting to sleep and wander about but was randomly by the police where i slept near a subway.
Got brought home that same evening....  honestly cant remember much what happend afterwards. Guess nothing as usual.

Somehow i keep thinking of one thing in my teens, around 15 0r 16 i beleve.
I was again on holiday in Spain with my parents doing beach parties every evening.
One evening a Dutch guy arrived on the beach and was what i would now like to call a "free spirit".

The type of person that gets accepted everywhere and talks easily to everyone.
I only had contact for about 2 days because he went on after 3 and had also some stuff to do.
But on the 2nd night he brought a bag of weed and we ended up smoking on the beach and got into conversations with everyone.
At one moment i asked him a question and i can't even remember what that question was to my shame.
But his reply was wonderful end i still remember what he say'd; 
"I like it so why should i quit?"

Yes this is indeed related to smoking but his reply was not a response to the mental addiction about it.
His response was about sticking up for himself for what he wanted to do and have in life and enjoy it with clear boundaries.

I do remember asking a lot of other questions that i can't remember, but it was more or less about who he was.

That reply shocked me.
And it also indirectly led me to my one and only tattoo.
Later when i had a girlfriend around 16? 17? i went to the city to set a tattoo. I was intrigued by her because she already had 2 tattoos and i already wanted one.
I wanted something that resembled a free spirit for me.

I guess everyone has his own symbolism for certain things due to religion culture, location, tradition etc.
But for me it was a combination of things i guess. A couple of interested coming together.
You see i was in those periods also interested in other things than ruining myself like archaeology , and ancient myths and tales about gods. Simply reading about those fantasy worlds gave me an escape to my own world.
I still love reading.
But to come to an end to this small talk is that i have made the choice on a combination of a Pegasus and an unicorn.
Simply nothing more than a Pegasus with a horn objectively speaking but tastefully done.
I'm glad i have it.... Keeps me reminding of that one free person with his amazing reply.

And now i should be brutally honest here. 
That free spirit thinking is also a double edged sword. Or perhaps for someone who has been .... used.... and, well not sure if im allowed to mention it here but i have also initiated later on.... to be....  Well anyways .....
I thought i should try anything in life so that went also to hard drugs.

Something i have to say here. Whatever happens to my body, i do it not with intention.
For some weird reason i will not harm myself intentionally, Well not directly i guess.
Neglection probably should also fall in that category but never directly or intentionally.
I simply don't care about my body anymore to be honest, as long as i'm allve and simply "feel well" it should be ok i guess.

But back to the hard drugs and i'm glad to say that that was a short episode.
in a few months time i did a few things and i had mostly bad and scary experiences so i stopped doing that.
Not worth it...i still need t live. 
But that brought me to alcohol and weed. 
But even the alcohol stopped around hen i was 18 or 19 or so.
One evening i got so god-awefull sick that i had to be carried to bed after being sick for hours on end of the alcohol.
Something was weird in my body for days after that and i hardly could move my upper body.
I didn't know what happend....  Never have known till today. Scared the crap out of me.

But what i do know is that i stopped completely with drinking until i had 3 bottles of win 3 weeks ago.
Stopped directly after realizing how shockingly fast i went to get more.

My god it almost sounds like some cheap b rated novel story or something but it is duller than that i can tell you.
No real ending here, just.... living......day by day.

And now a sudden interest with spilling everything for what ever the hell in the universe is making me doing this.
What the hell am i doing?  
I'm already typing for hours on end with no real goal other than simply telling my story.
I still don't know.

It's time to end this thing for now until i write again i guess
(if i'm still allowed to do so after this clusterF... of thoughts and memories. )

I think i'm open to questions if anyone has any. But after this i can imagine that i don't really seem like a good conversational partner so i wont blame anyone ofcourse. Even i am rather overwhelmed now i read this back when i'm actually try to write everything down without filters...

Again thanks for your kind words everyone..... it brings me ....emotions.
No clue what i'm supposed to do with them if im real honest.  It gives me a weird combination of relief and fear.

And the crying....   
But ...
Yea it helps....   perhaps more if i would be able to let myself fully go with the crying.

I always seem to stop myself before i get to that point.
Trying to control my body. Just block it.....   ignore it, ignore my body. Conditioning it not to let cry.
Emotionless face.... tears rolling down.

I think i'm really not well.  Probably should talk to someone on monday......gathering courage. i don't know if i want to do that.
Emotions....... are scary...
 

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Hey, Tired & Scared.

I can identify with a lot of this.  The details might be different, but that's not the point anyway.  My issues are my own.

I don't have any answers, sometimes I wonder if there are any.

It's hard when feel you are alone.  I sometimes use herbals myself, although not that often.

Just want to say you are not the only one.

 

Love ya.  May you find peace.

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@Jandi@Vidanjali

 

Thanks again for the reactions. They actually help me a bit and give some courage to go to the doctor on Monday.
It is weird to share these things out of nowhere. But i think i'm glad i did... will continue do.

I guess it helps me a bit in sorting my mind out.  
Still don't have any clue on how to start when i get to the doctor but we will see what happens.
Hope that i don't chicken out tbh.   

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Hi all,

Welp yesterday was an interesting day.
I have been chatting for a large part of the day on the discord server simply to try and talk.
Something i have never done before because well.. yea  Not much friends you see,
And over there i have encountered 3 wonderful individuals. 

 

i wont mention their names because i haven't asked their permission for that.
But im glad to have meet them.
For the first time i could directly interact. And it made me happy.

My apologies for anyone who actually tried to directly communicate with me here op the forum.
Yesterday was.... confronting for me.
In a good way i might add. And perhaps also a bad way.

The good part is that they truly let me realize some things about myself and what is possible.
And that it's basically ok for me to do so.
Self confidence i not exactly my strongest point you see. 

 

The bad thing is that my brain went in overload mode a few times i guess you can call it.
Sometimes i went on rambling just like i did in my previous posts but in the chatroom. 

I guess that freaked them out a bit. And i regret that that happen'd.
..... I already left a post behind in the chatroom before i started this post apologizing to them.
I hope i can speak to them again...

And i hope that i keep my mind on track when i do. 
I guess it's not the first time i weirded people out because of my mental state.
Sigh...  FU brain....  why you do this...

Always when something big or intense happens, my brain almost short-circuits or something.
And im not sure why. Some sort of self protection?
Or perhaps my self inflicted mental barriers are broken down at that moment and forces me to...feel emotions.
And it is so much that my mind and body can't cope with so much sensations and information. So it blocks....and get weird? idk

i'm so used to comply with what is supposed to be "normal" that it unfortunately has become a part of my standard defenses.
Ignoring myself and forcing to forget my true self.
I F'ing hate it!

 

Perhaps the following example can show a part of how deeply my fears are ingrained into me.
i live alone in my house. Nobody comes to the door in months. 
i have had no partner for 2 decades.

And still in my own house if i wanted to look at something ... unique... on internet i would close my room door, go incognito and afterwards delete history of browse via a free proxy server.
In case someone might get to my computer....
Yea paranoid, i know.  I was taught that normal was good.
 

Perhaps this is what is causing my weird thought patterns. idk.
And i kinda fear that it wasn't the last time it happend...
It certainly wasn't the 1st time...

 

But yes, fear runs deeply in me. And im not even 100% sure where it comes from.... Perhaps i do know parts of it.
And perhaps i will never know all of my fears.
All i do know that i want to overcome it and ... well you know....live as i want to.

 

All those thoughts and memories that i wrote down in my earlier posts were perhaps a list to "convince" myself.
Or perhaps i wanted someone to say to me directly in clear terms what i wanted to hear.
But life doesn't work like that.

Perhaps somewhere i wish i could have come to my own to that conclusion but i did not.

It was my 3 conversation partners yesterday that gave me a new view point.
Or perhaps it was a forgotten viewpoint.

i always look at myself from the outside. How i'm supposed to be, present myself, how to act.

 

But.....

Never looked at myself how i really want to be.

 

Now i won't say that i'm good now. Far from that even. Still scared as hell, still smoke a lot for my nerves but still determined to go to the doctor on Monday.
Perhaps slightly more self confident and willing to chase my feelings.

I will keep going on with writing here in the future.
Perhaps some rambling will come up again but i want to write it down for myself for a few reasons.
And perhaps a slight hope on shoulders to lean on when it gets tough for me.
I'm sorry, i know it's selfish or weird to ask that. At least that is how it feels to me.
But i'm scared and i ... yea well.... nvm.

I any case, my self image has started to shift a bit and i think it's in a positive way.

 

In all this time in my life i have bought 1 item that made me feel more feminine.
And since this all started i have not put it on.   Until this morning.
It's not excitement or arousal or stuff like that.
I think i accepted myself a bit more.....  i simply missed it having it on me.
Or perhaps i was missing that feeling of "giving in"..... I don't know how to say it properly...
It just feels right to have it on me.

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So a few hours further and i'm thinking about why i'm so insistent in writing everything down publicly.
All those feelings and thoughts. Perhaps this is becoming some sort of diary.

I could go on about telling how and why but in essence it's just this: 
I want to force myself to be honest to myself...
 

I have lied a lot to myself and i feel i can't do that anymore when it's public like this.
Even tho nobody knows me....
Lol,i guess i don't even know me.

I have not been able to communicate my feelings and thoughts with anyone for over a long time.
Imagine sitting alone, night in night out for years.
Problems i have to solve myself, feelings, desires, wishes, hopes.....alone.

And nobody to share if for a very long time.
I just don't wish for anybody to experience that and i'm also not trying to get some sympathy here.

I'm just want to express what i have encountered and perhaps also gain some more insight in myself.


I do stupid things and even more so with expressing myself and believe me,  i'm painfully aware of it.
It's  not that i like myself in this way.
But i quickly get scared in conversations and then my mind goes in all directions i can't seem to control.
It almost if something is broken that i can't control that.
That sounds scary in itself and yea i know.

But it only leads to me saying weird stuff and at most self-loathing/blame or whatever.
Oh and ofcourse scaring away the people that are frighted off by my thoughts and expressions.

I guess it isn't a surprise that i have been alone for so long.

I hope that someday someone isn't to bothered by it.

 

Anyways enough of the self loathing. I also tried to explore some thoughts and feelings from my "other side".
God.... "Other side".....   It's weird for me to admit it to myself.
Or even to admit i have a feminine side.
Don't get me wrong, it is a good feeling to do so but also... so strange....... scary......
But scary in a way because of why this is feeling so good.

 

I don't know what to expect. Now or in the future.
It is scary and i don't know how to talk normally about it.
Writing seems to be a good outlet for me, even tho i sound like a freak most of the times i guess.
 

But i'm also excited that i now know i have this side of myself.
I'm still fearful to completely commit to it. 
I guess that's also the reason why i refer it to as "that side" of myself....
Even tho i have a..... name for ....her  since a long while before i got on this forum....

There i said it....

 

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Being alone for a long time isn't healthy for anyone, much less someone going through a challenging self discovery. I wish you the best. If you can't talk about it to a person (preferably a therapist) then this forum is here for you. Write away, unload on us, we got you!  And nothing about what you say sounds freakish, it's just a complex set of emotions, fears, dysphoria and euphoria all jumbled up trying to sort itself into some sense of order.  We've all been there or are there.  I sometimes use the blog feature to get it all out as well.

Hugs

Bri

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@Bri2020 Thank you ofcourse.
Im just about to write a bit again.

It's  now a bit past 11 in the evening here local time.
Tomorrow morning i'm gonna make a rather big step and i'm f'ing nervous.
i guess i shouldn't be.
Those people from the discord server before were still talking to me. 
And they also gave me some solid advice and shared some experiences.
i wish i could get them something, like a cup or tee or coffee or something.
Guess it will stay a wish... I barely own anything.

But yea i'm nervous as hell. I guess i had a small panic attack a few hours earlier.
Cold sweats at least and a bit harder breathing...  Anyways it was over quickly .
I'm wondering if i'm able to sleep tonight.
So far i'm also slightly surprised that i'm feeling more and more ok with it all.

This public writing thing really forces me to confront myself.
I mean i'm not forcing myself to be public. Somehow i really don't mind that weirdly enough.
But it forces me to think honestly and that is tough sometimes.  Well most of the times.

Thousand thoughts cross by and most are happy things and everything will be alright.
But the reality is that this process will take years and will have lots of difficulties.
All kinds of hurdles to cross.

I'm still afraid.   And i still want to go on.

 

Hmm  weird... after writing that down i feel a bit more sure then before.
I guess it will be weird but i hope it will be ok. I know that perhaps they don't know anything to help me but i can get directions.
It should be alright....

It's just a matter to getting my point across to the doctor that i know for years now.
I'm wondering if i should make a list of the things i want to tell.
Not sure if that is weird or not to sit with a list like that.

i don't know what to do at the moment.... just sitting here restless.

But the more i sit here the more i feel some sort of calm washing over me.
i'm not quite sure what it is. Tiredness?  Perhaps a bit but not all it seems.
I don't know why i don't want to say it.... But to be honest it's contentment i guess?

 

It should not be a surprise that my brain is giving me those weird mixed signals.
i never liked to take compliments.... i try now tho and be thankful about it.
But i always feel i don't deserve those.

Well lets forget about that for a moment. 
The clock is set and i don't know if i will be back here before the talk.
Perhaps i will write a bit later if i can't get to sleep.
Yes i feel more calm but that is that i'm sure that i want it.
But not really calmer to go to speak about it to another person irl.

I keep visualizing how the conversation goes.... 
What should i say?
i suffer from my fantasies. Imagining all sorts of scenarios that will never come to play.
And i'm stupid enough to go on with that even when i know it won't help much.


Perhaps something funny to distract myself a bit.
And well,  in hindsight it perhaps funny but at that moment i was rather terrified.

Let me get a total picture of it all.
During this period i put off the one and only thing that lets me feel like myself for a tiny bit.
And that is a necklace. 
This morning i stood up quite happily and rested feeling better since a while.
And feeling good to put it on. It's small but it's enough to have to explain when noticed.
I stopped wearing juwelery from 12-13.
No chains, rings or watches.... to.... bulky and uncomfortable...

 

Well at one point this afternoon i wanted to get some fresh air so i went on a walk to my mom.
Also getting some fruit-juice while i'm there.
Perhaps it's already guessed but yea... i forgot to take it off when i got there.
Completely distracted by chat conversations.
And probably you can imagine how i felt when at some point, when i was talking to my mom at the table, i suddenly felt that thing on my neck.
Faking a neckscratch and i felt the necklace going over my shirt in my neck!!!

Instant. cold. sweat. everywhere.

And a record time in leaving the house out of nowhere after adjusting it when she didn't pay attention.
.....Yea that conversation will have to hold for now. No need to get that on top of it all.
Later walking back to my home i nearly nervous laughed the whole way back and now i can laugh.
Still a bit scared i hear about it but it should be safe.
 

God i felt like some sort of schoolkid almost getting caught doing something wrong hahahaha.
Perhaps i should make it a habit to inspect myself before going out. Can't do much harm in doing that.

Anyways, i guess i'm going for a youtube session and see where i end.
Feel a bit tired but not quite enough to sleep.

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I hope you get some good rest @TiredAndScared. It's not at all weird to bring a list to a doctor's appointment. In fact it's very useful, efficient and practical - I often do that. I suggest if you do, also leave space between each item so you can jot down notes during the appointment regarding feedback from the doctor on each item. That will aid in feeling less overwhelmed trying to remember everything they say to you. Good luck!! 

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@Vidanjali Thanks for the suggestion.
I prolly will make one a bit later. It goes well in my head but yea that is when nobody is in front of me.
 

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@TiredAndScared

The bit about the necklace I can identify with in a way.   For most of my life before I was willing to admit to myself that I was transgender (or even knew what it was) I used to wear necklaces under my shirt.  Actually, I almost always had some kind of fem type accessory (usually hidden or not very obvious) on me.  When I first came out to myself - not public yet - it was this one under my shirt, always kinda hidden.

IMG_2352.thumb.jpg.33cda63a87b4a4b7d04cbf79db9483ee.jpg

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@Jandi

Somehow i'm relieved to hear that to be honest. I mean i don't know what "usual" is, if that is even a thing.
But it was a funny think in hindsight. And nice necklace. 

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Well here we are again.

I guess you wonder how it was.

I have to confess that i have not spoken to the doctor (yet) BUT.... i spoke to the assistant on the phone.
It took me a few moments of scraping my throat and swallowing but in the end i could ask it.
"Do you have experience with supporting transgenders?" 

I was told, not much but some.
She explained to me that the doctor would have to talk to me and eventually point me to a hospital to continue it.
She made an appointment later in the afternoon for me so that the doctor calls me.

So yea i kinda chickened out by not going.... But im glad i still called and set it up like this.
I feel relieved.....   and still nervous for the call in the afternoon.
I was able to tell her some bits that i wanted to tell..... but yea it was hard.

The assistant expressed understanding.....
The first one that voiced that to me....irl...   i nearly broke down in tears on the phone there and then.
Barely managed to get to the end of the call.

And now i'm here writing.
A mix of excitement and fear overcomes me.
i think i did ok....?

 

What or how do i feel about all this?
I'm tired of "living" in the way how i did. Never truely myself.
I want to be myself. whatever that may be.
I want to express myself.
I fear all the emotional things that will come out.
What kind of demons will cross my path that are still hidden somewhere in my mind.  Do i still have any that are not uncovered?
Perhaps not.  I hope i dug deep enough in my mental garbage and i think i got them all in daylight.

 

That phone-call was a roller-coaster. For me anyways.
Calling and explaining... my brain went:  "omgomgomgomgomg -what the heck- are you doing?  Are you REALLY sure?"

But even when i choked up during the call i noticed i wanted to express myself and i wanted to continue.
And when i hung up i was glad....

The call queue was irritating. Had to wait for over 9 minutes before it was my turn...
I'm not quite sure what i thought in that time. But it went by fast.

And now im here.  Waiting for that call this afternoon...
Hopefully i can keep my emotions in check.....  Doubt it tho to be honest.

Its in these times that even a small pat on my shoulder irl would have been nice.
i miss it. But i guess i can't be to greedy.
 

Time to go for a walk and getting a breakfast somewhere.
I need the air and stretch myself. My body feels stiff... Guess this brings more tension than expected.
I don; t know if i write again before the call. But i certainly will after it.

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Guess i do write a bit before the call...
I need to get this on paper. 

I went to my mom for a bit to chat but some stuff came up.
And to be honest that stuff was indeed my fault. Some financial thing.

And when the discussion got on and a bit heated (can't blame her for that) i had one of those moment where my mind wouldn't cooperate. So i told her im talking to the doctor this afternoon.
That would be in about an hour when i write this.
She went on how i always doge it..

I'm not quite sure but i somehow must have fled her home because i was somehow wandering home in a kinda zombi state.


And then it happend...

I suddenly didn't care anymore what she thought or would say to me.
Walking back home i immediately went to write an email to her.

 

And dumping all the stuff i discovered about myself in one big email and send it.
And i mean everything! What i experienced and what I want!
I don't know if she will support me with this all. I really really really hope so.
But if not... i will not care anymore.
I need to do this ...for me.

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7 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

That phone-call was a roller-coaster. For me anyways.
Calling and explaining... my brain went:  "omgomgomgomgomg -what the heck- are you doing?  Are you REALLY sure?"

But even when i choked up during the call i noticed i wanted to express myself and i wanted to continue.
And when i hung up i was glad....

My first call to a clinic was pretty stressful.   It took me 3 tries to actually complete the call due to anxiety attacks.  But once it was done it was a big relief.  Things were actually starting to move.  Of course I was scared, but that was a first step.

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The call came in...

And it was an emotional conversation.
I was able to get everything across what i wanted to tell.
Thankfully i had a list with points (Thank you @Vidanjali for that suggestion)

It was hard to do and to tell... Everything you tell automatically generates.....images and feelings.
At least that was how it is for me.

But yea i was able to tell my tale. 
And the doctor was VERRY helpful.
She's also new to the route i go, but already did look up some numbers and made some appointments to talk to people.

At the end she congratulated me....
I hung up with a face like a maniac, crying and smiling at the same time, barely capable of uttering some words to end the call.

 

She's also quite levelheaded and i like that. 
I have not talked about it here but i do have a strong interest in HRT. And i also mentioned it to the doctor.
She agreed but also wanted me on a guidance counselor.  I also agreed immediately i must confess...

I still have to call tomorrow to a different organisation to get more information over there.

I'm tired, scared and happy..... and dare i say......   a bit content?

I almost forgot to mention to those 3 individuals that gave me courage to do so.
It's really hard to express what they did but, i love that they did it.
They were just talking and reacting on my crap and also told some stories and experiences.

And everyone here on this forum that inspired me.
Don't worry. i will continue to write here.

But i simply want to properly thank everyone who gave me courage and advice till now.

 

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@TiredAndScaredcongratulations for taking this step. It's heartening to hear it was such a positive experience for you. Thank God you seem to have encountered a truly compassionate health care provider. Continued prayers. 

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HI @Vidanjali thank you for the kind words. And yea, she seems to care about it and immediately promoting going step by step from the start. Calm and listening and also have phone numbers ready like she made work of looking into it.

It made me feel safe to share all things that i wanted to mention.

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Another sunrise....   Dull and gray weather.

i had a good rest this night... a dreamless sleep.  Perhaps a bit short but oh well..
But my mood feels strange.  Yes i'm happy but also....... a bit down.
And i already know why ....

I haven't heard my mom yet.
It's a weird thing tho... At one side i want her to approve my choices but on the other side i don't want her to see me again.

I know i'm impatient with her accepting anything of this and should her give a while or something.
It does kinda hurt that she didn't gave a quick simple reply or something.
Just a " i need some time" or something would have been nice. Something that at least shows some ... willingness to try.
But i can't force that.

 

As for why i don't want to see her again?
I guess it's the tension of having to talk about everything. Knowing that she knows.
It's not a pleasant feeling.

Time will tell what tale it will become. I mean i love my mom and she's rather open with her thinking.
But she's also an odd mix of old and new.
For example if the garage door is open it has to be closed quickly because what would the people think of the mess?
Like really mom?  Nobody else has a messy garage? Nobody understands that just happens and what a garage is also used for?

So yea open thinking but cares about her self image as far as i observed.
And her way of thinking is about other people... not close by.
I guess we never had anything happening like this in the family so perhaps her thoughts have changed now it's so close.

If so, then i know what her thoughts are actually worth.

 

It's weird. I feel a need to protect myself?
Ok i have done that in the past 20 years or so by being on autopilot.
I'm not sure how to explain it... It's odd that i feel weird about it
 

So i have been thinking for a few minutes about that now and the only explanation i can come up with is actually quite simple.
"I don't like people knowing those things about me"
And yea that is again weird. Because its the same reason why i protected myself all those years...
I have troubles expressing myself with this and curious what it is.

Perhaps..... 
it's not about the feeling...
Perhaps,   it's about the reason..... why i feel like that....
 

Now i have thought a bit more about it, that does seem to be the case.
First i protected myself period.  Just because i didn't want anything.
Now i'm protecting myself because i have told who and what i am and want. 

One was passive and the other is active...  I think that is what it is.

In any case, i think i wait for a week or so to see and ask what my mom thinks.
That should also give here some time to calm down and talk to others or do some looking up of her own.
This is a "time will tell" case for now. 

In any case, that was not the only thing i was thinking about all the time.
At some point i also had some thoughts of actually taking care of myself and my body.

And i mean long term... not "oh i need a shave"  type of thing.

Diet, Exercise, Skin, Hair.

Long term things.....
That as a bit of a shock... it came so naturally to think about it.
It seems i did held myself back more than i realized....

One of the first things i thought about doing was to remove my hair on my arms.
Contemplating if should shaving or use a creme. 

You see, i have no experience with these things other than some global knowledge.
I had put up walls to bounce anything off that could me make look 'queer'.
I had no knowledge other than the usual stigma's that were told. ..."Dude, that's gay"  ...  You know the remarks..
And that subconsciously pushed me away from the things i wanted i guess...

At one time i had a gf. She asked me to shave my chest.... God i wanted to but i immediately said no.
Thought about it for a long time after she asked tho......       Now i wish i had done it.

*Sigh*
So many regrets are bubbling up these days.
It makes me sad and angry. Both on myself and others.

So many missed things and experiences that i will never be able to experience....
So many firsts that have slipped by and are gone forever...

I realize people read along as i go trough all this and perhaps some are only watching and not talking. (No worries , it's ok)
I just want to say a tiny thing to all of you. i'm not an expert on anything but...

"Don't wait to long with making choices."

The pain and sadness of not being able to do something in your life is more impacting than doing something and regret it.
That's how i feel now at this moment.

 

I don't feel like a strong person. I only have what i know and some feelings that i still need to discover further.
I do know what i want now tho.   
But the feelings that pop up with it are strange, unknown. New and exciting and scary to touch.

All i can do is see and touch those feelings and try to explain what i understand about it. Write about it.


 


 

 
















 


 

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