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My mental breakdown of the past weeks.


TiredAndScared

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It seems i truely treat this as a diary.
Something happens and immediately i want to write about it 

 

But in any case.
In the last entry i mentioned about taking care of myself.

From the moment i stood up i wanted to do something about my body hair.
But i was not sure how to go about it.

Shaving?   seems that only last for a short while.
Hair removal creme? that sounds good  but,... i don't have any.

So the plan formed to go to the shop to get it.  Thought about it for a while and encountered about a 1000 different ways in my fantasy on how that conversation with the store lady would go.
Yup, fear still there? .... Check!

 

But i still went to the store.
Inside it i grabbed a basket and wandered around for a bit to get my orientation.
All sorts of products attacked my vision ...  Lots that i wanted to try....
But i was on a mission.  To get that hair removal creme.

I looked around but couldn't find it And eventually i asked a store lady for help.
That was not smooth on my side i can tell you.
Nervous as heck and cold sweat on my back i asked for that kind of creme and i apologized and asked if i made her uncomfortable.
She was very sweet and helpful. Patiently waiting on what i wanted to tell her despite my stumbling voice.
When i got out what i wanted, she helped me show the way and pointed out the product.

I was happy but also extremely disappointed.
It was a male hair removal product....   
I think i showed my disappointment on my face.

For a few moments i stared blankly at it, not sure what to do.
A thought popped in my mind saying: "this will happen every time if you are not clear about what you want or expect"


Nervously i asked it: "Do you have the female variant of that product? I'msorryifthisisuncomfortableforyouanddontwanttohelpanymoreiunderstand"

Yea backpedaling like crazy...  What the heck was i thinking to be so direct and open?
I perfectly could find an other way to hide my intentions like a non-existent gf or something.


But i didn't.  Don't ask me why...  I also don't know. 

 

And she was perfectly fine showing to a different spot in the store.
Explaining how to use it and what types of skin it can be used on. Or how to test a bit first.
She presented the product and i was fairly happy about it so i took it.
Then we stood for a moment in silence.

I was still not completely happy.
Back drowned in a thin layer of cold transpiration and a shaking voice i did ask for the next thing.

If she could advice some aftercare product.

A slight expression of surprise was on her face but immediately showed some other products and was happily chatting about it. That lady is a professional in what she does.

 

The rest is not so entertaining i guess. We were done and i thanked her a lot for the help.
But i must confess that i rather quickly left the store due to everything.
Walking back home i was happy.. Both that i got the creme and that i was able to get some fresh air in my lungs.

And now i'm here home.

That creme and oil are standing in front of me.
I suppose i'm smiling.
Come to think of it, this is the first product i have bought for myself in this way.

The first time to give actually care to my female side.
It's time..... Time to take care of me .... Kara.

Time to learn how things work....



 

 

 

 




 

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  • Forum Moderator

I'm definitely glad the sales woman helped you with suggestions for testing the product.  Hair removal cream products can cause skin problems so please proceed with caution.  Male hair is certainly an issue i have fought with over time.  Just be careful you can hurt yourself.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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HI @Charlize
Thank so much for the tip. The instructions were also very insistent on testing it first.
But i guess i have messed it up a bit with my eagerness. No worries, no harm is done.
Just a slight reading error. The test instructions said to put it on and the get it off and wait 24H.
But the normal instructions mentioned an application time of minimal  5min,  So as test i put it on for 5 min.
And the aftercare immediately after.
No red skin and smooth.  I feel something is done to it. Perhaps a touch irritating... but i guess that will go away soon.
So far no harm done.

But it looked a bit weird on my wrist/arm so i touched it up with a razor.
And found out i will not use razors much in the future.... And i'm already thinking of those strips.
But for now i will use that creme on my arms.. To bad i have to wait till tomorrow. :(

By the way, i hope you don't mind asking but,  I'm beginning to doubt if it's still ok to write like this on this section on the forum but i really like writing like this but well, yea.. Don't want to go against any rules that i'm unaware of.  Do you have any suggestions?

 

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It's past 9 in the evening and its getting darker.

I think back on the day and think i did kinda okay i guess.
Oh..... I have been a lot less emotional today.... only a few times...
I suppose that's a good thing right?

It was still stressful as heck to go to the store today.
And i got a small update on my mom....

She contacted me for 2 things... first some official stuff and then one line in the end:
"i need time to process it".

I guess that is fair,  i mean i dropped it out of nowhere on her. 
That was not fair to her in hindsight. But well... yea...  She knows now and doesn't show a complete rejection.
All i can do is wait and see what happens. 

I kinda fear to see her... i kinda plan to avoid her for a few days or a week or so...
I don't want to see her eyes... Her expression.

 

And i also did another thing today in the morning. My doctor gave me a phone number yesterday of a institute that supports people of all genders with dysphoria. She wanted me to contact that place. And it's connected to an university. (I did also a bit of research on internet about that place)  

So i'm getting more confident that she really goes for it. In finding a path i mean.
My brain is so full of all sorts of thoughts that i sometimes don't really know what to do and i get overwhelmed.
So i appreciate her help so much. 
 

But anyways, i tried to call but that institute is closed for a few days due to holidays and i can reach them on Friday.
The first time calling i accidentally called the wrong number!
I was very nervous to make the call and yea, that happend.
Fortunately ..... The receiver pushed me directly away....  I can't imagine how weird that conversation could have gone.
After i realized my mistake i tried it again and got a tape that informed me.

 

Ah, i talked a bit earlier about getting some hair remover.
I had no irritation after a few hours. I'm supposed to wait for 24H...... but got impatient and tried it a bit more.
And i got a realization....   I still need it to do a better job. That darker shade... yea nope...
I mean i guess i will need those strips.  I hate pain but if it gets the job done, i guess i don't really have an alternative atm.
And its smooth...  It's finally not so rough. At least that tiny bit on my wrists.
Another thing i didn't realized... I have not been out much.  Mostly stayed in home.
So my skin has not been battered by the sun every summer.   Perhaps i should see that as an unexpected win.

 

I have never talked about my dad. To be honest there was no real need for me to do so.
He's currently not living with my mom anymore and will never be able again in the future.
You see he's got dementia.  He lives in a special care home about 50km away from our village.
And he doesn't recognize anyone anymore for a few years already.

The reason i'm talking about him is because he will be moved tomorrow to a care home close by us. Just a village down the road. So it will be a lot easier for my mom and us to visit him.
I was planning to help with the move but..... Yea that is not the best idea now i guess.
I know my cousin and brother and sister in-law will help my mom already.
In any case i would have probably been in the way if i'm honest.

Anyway, it's getting later and i'm already quite tired. With everything that happend yesterday and today, i have to admit that it was more intense than imagined. Shower and then bed sounds like a good plan.
 

 

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Odd how the morning bring new ideas.
Still gray and cloudy with a few birds fluttering around.... Perhaps this will be a slow day.

I'm pondering on what has happend to me in the last week,  with my mind.
Not in a bad way mind you.  But how everything goes and how i respond to it.
And in some ways even more strongly than i realized.

 

Is it a problem that i respond so strongly?  Or that i move so fast to do things? Am i desperate?
I close my eyes and feel.....
The direction i want to go..... Feels warm and exciting.  Challenging? Oh god yes. It will be hard.  But....
It feels that it will be harder to stay as i am now.

As i opened my eyes, i noticed a slight smile on my face.
Yea,  i go in a direction that is good for me...

I'm starting to care less about the speed with which everything is going.
I mean, if it feels ok... Why should i fight it?
And i have a slight suspicion on why i'm moving so fast.
Perhaps..... it was simply overdue...

A long journey will be ahead of me. And i need to take care of a lot of problems.
I messed up my life in nearly every possible way.
Health, family, friends, finance, house.... Everything is in a dismal state. 
I hated everything and just pulled back in my own world . Not caring what happens to me or my surroundings.
And i didn't care to lose everything i had. 
I mean i would continue to live..... But simply didn't care anymore about anything around me and about me.
Just living in a mindless state, continuing to exist .

But now i notice how things are changing. 
And i mean changes about myself.
i ... actively want to do things....

I was or am always bad with cleaning up my house.
Just near my whole life i was a slouch in that regard. (Well, after things happened to me at least)
My mom always says: "a cleaned up living space gives a cleaned up mind".

Perhaps you can imagine i never agreed to that expression.
I was always convinced that my state of mind would reflect to my outsides and changes that.
The thought that my living space could change my thoughts never crossed my mind.

And now it seems that my feeling was right.
I mean it's still a mess up there and my thoughts still go in overtime very quickly.
But....  
I see a path,.... a road i want to walk down.
A place i want to travel to and i want to have nice and good things on that journey.
Now i want to fix those things that are on my path.

A while ago, one of my chat partners mentioned something about hair removal that was covered by insurance.
When i woke up i remembered that remark and had a look at the policy of my insurance.
F yea!   Hair removal is covered in the basics. Basically everything from the eyebrows down... Awesome!
Guess i need to make an appointment with my doctor again for a referral for that.
Or perhaps she has to call my insurance... Guess we will find it out together.

 

sigh...
And i hope that the insurance allows me to do it...
You see i have a debt with my insurance... Like i mentioned earlier i messed up everything big time.
But by law they still have to provide me with the basics. Just something my country does.
I either get lucky and still can go on with that or... i have to wait for a bit.
I'm tense about that but i will take it as it goes. 
Still got a lot of crap around the house i don't need anymore that i can sell so i'm not to worried to be honest.
Just another hurdle.... And  i never expected it to be easy to reach my goals.

 

All sorts of thoughts are swirling around in my mind.
Past, present, future...
Each with their own set of feelings accompanied with it....

The past and the future give the most anxiety.
I guess i still suffer from my memories and fantasies....

The present feels right. But it's hard not to think about the future.
Can i really do what i want?

I don't know.....
But i want to.

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It's the beginning of the evening.
The day has not been very eventful.
But I have done a couple of things tho today. 
 

I wrote yesterday that i wanted to get some of those hair removal strips today.
But i was to nervous to again after yesterday. Ill give it a few more days.
And the tested hair removal creme works but it leaves the shade... I hate that.

I have been pondering on how i want to look. I know it's a vain thing to do .. but.... 
Somewhere i did read once that, to help with it , take a girl you like as an example and imitate her as close as possible.
I guess this helps for some people.

Somehow when i read that advice i always feel that it's not something i should do.
Don't get me wrong. I will be learning a lot from looking around... just not imitate one person specifically. 

And how i want to look? Well i do have some sort of idea in my head.
But in general it would just simply me. Not a copy of someone else but me with the body that i want.

And what makes me excited is that i get to plan it all. 

While thinking of this, some old high school memories passed by of a single simple incident.
It reminded me on how i had to force myself to "act normal".
Walking from one classroom to the other i was a bit bored and walking mindless. Just letting my subconscious take over.
Somehow i directly started to walk with my feet on one line.
I had fun and enjoyed it.
But after a few steps i directly got comments about it from others. Saying i was walking like a girl.
I had to stop... I had to protect myself. .... and i still remember it till now.


I was part of the gang....   I had to be tough and the constant pressure to have to prove myself.
And i did a lot of stupid things because of that. 
Smoking, drinking, drugs, wrong people...  you name it.
I had to be tough, to protect myself.. never show weakness....
I trained myself to lose certain habits....
The start of my mental confinements...

I want to both remember and forget those days....
I guess i also had some friends...  i'm not sure if i would call them friends now.
It's been to long ago to remember.
Perhaps its stupid to ponder these things.  Those moments are past. They happend.
I guess it's no use dwelling on them. They won't provide me with any help but only make me sad.

But those images and memories just popup out of nowhere sometimes.

And perhaps with time...all that will fade...

I sit here listening to some music and letting all thoughts and feelings just come and go.
Almost like an observer. 
Not to escape reality.... But.... experience it with more clarity.... I don't know how to describe it exactly.
It's a weird feeling...... A bit calming.

 

Anyways, i almost forgot to tell about a poem i made today.
That was the 2nd poem in my life that i spontaneously made. 
The first one was when i was kid... before everything started...  I remember that it was about how i loved nature.
But i digress. I have posted this one in the forums here.
I'm not a writer nor a poet.  I only read a lot so my style of explaining things might be influenced by that.
I don't use any rules....I just wrote it down as it came up....

Perhaps only a few will like it, and that is no problem. It resonates with me and i like it... or hate it...  
I have to admit every-time when i think of what i wrote down i get emotional.
But there you have it, a poem that i wrote.  Never thought that would happen again.

Now to go on with the rest of the day.
Nothing too shocking. Just started a bit of cleanup in one room.
Had to go up and down the stairs a couple of times...   a sneaky exercise :)

i keep thinking on how to make a plan to get my body in the shape that i want to have.
It will be a journey to get what i want.. i nearly need to lose 25 kg (google says that's about 55 pounds).
Yes i have been a pig... i didn't  care.... But now i do.
i know i can get slim. i was nice and flat in my teens and kept that for a long while in my 20ies  and 30ies.

Only the last 5 years it went completely bad i guess.  limits reached...
I'm only scared of excess/lose skin and stuff like that.  no clue what to expect when i'm finished.

 

I'm just thinking....Perhaps i should approach this in a different way.
I was already thinking of getting help with pills to slim down but that would be not the correct way i think.
That's the problem of doing things on you own for a long while i guess.
Directly looking for a solution without thinking.

No, i need to get my doctor onto this.  To get me in my desired shape in the most correct and healthy manner.
So it's also in shape for when i want to get hrt or other adjustments.
 

So tomorrow i will call the doctor. Asking and see what she thinks about it.
I mean i can understand that she doesn't want to do anything medical before i speak to a therapist.
But getting in shape and getting prepared should not be an issue right?
I mean i have missed the windows where my body could be shaped easily. So i have to take some more care now.


And with regards of me smoking weed in combination with getting healthy.
Yea that's a contradiction.  I can make a fake speech on how i want to battle it but... yea i don't want to.
My reason? It calms me down... let me sleep dreamless sleeps..... Gives me rest.
I'm already nervous as heck and stressed out by everything. And this is something that i know that works.
I don't want any weird medicine..... i had some bad experiences with unknown chemicals to be honest.
Nothing life threatening but just bad experiences... One of the few lucky things that happens to me i suppose.
If i liked it, i probably wouldn't be here writing all this.

In any case, i have lots to plan and discuss. See what is possible and see what my doctor is willing to do.
And also investigate what my insurance is willing to do... already found a clause about hair laser removal! :)
Is it weird that i get excited about making a list to do this?

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Another dull morning.... Yea summers are not the greatest thing in my country.

I woke up about 45 minutes ago. Groggy as always from the weed.
I sat in front of the pc just checking up some websites and pondering what i want to do today.

Then i remembered i made a list last night.
The list i spoke about yesterday.
The list that i wanted to discuss with my doctor.

I looked around at my desk and grabbed it.
Scanning through what i wrote down, i was pleased with what was on there.

Still groggy i was gathering some courage and getting my head a bit clearer.
Phone in front, number already punched in.  And then.....  just waiting and staring at it....
I was scared again.

For a few minutes i waited.. contemplating....
"Yea if i want to shape my body and be healthy i must go on" 
I knew that i most likely would have to speak to another assistant.
Where i go they have 2 doctors an a bunch of assistants.

 

Then i called.
And i guess the universe also agreed that i called because i was the first in the phone queue.
That has never happen in the past 10 years or so.
And very quickly i got an assistant on the line.

I asked her to look into my file because i had a hard time explaining what i was calling for.
When she understood everything she was very helpful and even pointed out that i don't have to be afraid because of their professional secrets thingy that they are bound to.

She helped me a great deal in comforting me. Even when i apologized for the weird situation she told me that she didn't find it weird but just normal.
Very soon i was able to talk about what i called for.
Telling my plans on getting into shape and the hair removal thing.
She planned another phone conversation with the doctor for tomorrow in the afternoon to talk about all this.

I'm happy i managed to call them.
Taking steps on the road i want to go is scary.
I'm not used to do the things i really want. It makes me unsure... unknowing what to do.

I'm glad i found this place on the web.
Here i can read and write about what i want.
A place that gives me a space of my own. People who are actually listening....
Getting advice....  
My road slowly lights up with all sorts and pieces of information.

Others give me courage and share what they have experienced and what to expect.
It helps me calm down my nerves and give me courage.

 

And now i want to make some plans for the day.
I guess it will be nothing too much. Just a bit of cleaning and probably a lot of sitting in front of the computer.
There is so much to do now that i look at it.
And i don't mean just cleaning my house. (But yea it needs it , yuck..)
A lot of thing i also need to clean up in my life.

It feels so overwhelming......  and exciting.
But i try to keep in mind: "Just go step by step".
The words of the doctor ring in my mind.  I'm glad i involved her.

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I need to tell this.

A while ago the doorbell rang. That was odd because i didn't expect anyone.
I was still in my bathrobe just vegging in front of the pc reading and chatting a bit.

So i quickly went down and pulled my robe a bit tighter around my waist to look a bit presentable.
As far as that is possible with a bed head...
I think i have not told about some of my features yet.
I do have semi long hair. Dark brow. Ending between my shoulder blades or just at the lowest point of my collar bones.
My body is overweight by 25kg but im 1,84 cm (Nearly 6 foot 1) So im not just a round mass but still have some shapes.

Before anyone gets anything weird in their heads, i will say that i'm telling this only because the guy at the door made a simple remark.

 

It was a delivery guy with a package in his hand supposed to be delivered to my neighbors.
They are not home at the moment so received it.
But..... When i opened the front door his first remark was: 
"Hi lady"

A couple seconds went by and he looked again...."Oh! I'm so sorry!"
I simply smiled and said that it's not any problem and asked how i could help him.
The conversation simply went on and ended as expected.

I was completely stunned when i closed the door.
As you can remember i have not done anything yet to my body.
Simply careful planning but nothing beyond that yet.
I mean, i am happy to receive that remark but it also made me so confused on why that would happen now of all times.

I had an arrogant thought...
"Would this be that thing?? You know... That your inner self shows on the outside?"

Yes i know it's very arrogant to think like that. But honestly.... i can't come up with another possible explanation.
I have done nothing visible to my body and only my mindset changed in the past few weeks.
And years before that i never got a remark like that.
Sorry that i talk about this.. It's a vain thing to do.
But i'm so curious on why that happend.

Sigh..
I guess i just should let it go, now that i think about it.
Nothing will change if i do know what happend.
Perhaps it's simply excitement to get validation from an independent person.
A new, strange and happy experience.

Perhaps i have to learn that those things will keep happening in the future.

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  • Forum Moderator

The early times of being properly addressed by others were certainly exciting and helped me know was headed in the right direction.  Perhaps that is why being misgendered hurts so much.  I know i thrive on acceptance by the world.  Enjoy.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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6 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

I'm not used to do the things i really want.

I'm like that too.  

It's hard to break out of if you've spent your life thinking there's something wrong with you.

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@Charlize I indeed enjoyed it. And thank you.
@Jandi Indeed exactly that. 

It was a slow day and the evening arrived already.

It was a bit intentional that i did not do much today.
Tomorrow i have to call to that dysphoria institute to make an appointment.
And in the afternoon the doctor will call to reply to my questions. So it will take a bit of work tomorrow.

So only did some cleaning and took an extensive shower. Called for some Chinese food and went out to pick it up..
It's only 2 streets away. Easy pickup while walking.
 

Just sitting back for a few minutes. Slowly rolling another one to smoke.
Relaxation.... It's been a while i felt like this... Warm and cozy.

I have been thinking of my mom......
For those who are curious... no response yet... 
And normally i  see her in the weekend but i messaged her that i already done everything.
So i wont need to see her in the weekend.
That gives me and her some extra time....     I'm still scared.....  Not sure how she will react.

 

I want to do stuff......
This afternoon i was also thinking about looking what LGBTQ groups are here locally.
I mean i'm curious and would like to talk to some others irl if i have the chance.
But .... yea i'm to scared to go... 
Going alone to an event never made me feel good... Avoided that a lot in the past 20 years by simply not going.


It would be nice to have someone to talk to irl.

I guess i miss human affection a bit.... A simple touch on my shoulder, a hug...  someone to talk about the day or tell my dreams.  I'm a bit lost on what to do with these feelings.
I mean i write those feeling down here but they aren't going away. 
Perhaps i shouldn't complain and simply be happy with what i have.....
I'm aware that i complain a lot so i should just calm down i guess.

 

i think i'll go read a few stories tonight.
Smoking a bit... Nice and quiet... Nothing to think about anymore until tomorrow.

 






 

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Another dreamless nigh and waking up to dull grayness.
Seriously,  it's supposed to be summer here... -.-

 

I was not feeling very well when i woke up. Guess i have to thank the Chinese food from yesterday for that.

But after some morning...rituals, i was already feeling a bit better.
Browsed internet a bit and replied to some discord messages.

The same stuff nearly every morning.
 

I haven't told that i had an long shower yesterday evening. I was doing my normal shaving routine and payed extra attention to my hair.  You see, i have not taken care of it for a long time. And it's basically rope.
Think of a semi hippy style......  I thought it was the only way to pull off long hair without getting judged.  It worked i guess.
Not dirty mind you... just not taken care of.

But a herbal shampoo, conditioner and herbal oils afterwards made it very soft and nice smelling.
I guess i should go to a barber or whatever the term is in English.
However i'm scared a lot have to go off in order to make it good.
I really don't want that.....
And i'm also pondering what kind of haircut i want to ask for.
I mean i'm thinking of a more androgynous style. And i know that the barber or one of the ladies would be ok to do it.
It's just.... the other patrons that will be there...

I'm surprised that i think so much about my body now...
Perhaps i approached it with a  'don't see, don't care' kind of attitude in the past......I simply didn't care.
Or i didn't want to care is perhaps more accurate...

Because now i'm confronted with a body that ....i don't like ... to put it mildly.
And i'm very aware of it. It makes me sad and angry have a lot of regrets when i look in the mirror now.
Before all this i looked at a mirror and simply preformed a function to get myself presentable for the day. No feelings.

But now it's different. Now i see my current reflection, and the image i have in my minds-eye.
Those images don't overlap....   Well, perhaps in some parts a bit but for the rest? Nope.


You know,.......I'm reading back what i just wrote down. Something i do a lot to be honest.
And i just realize how i told yesterday about a call to a dysphoria support center i have to make today.
And how i'm now talking about how and what about my body...

I guess it bothers me more than i realize.

The discord is a really nice and safe place. All the people there are helpful and supportive of each other.
Why i'm telling this?
This morning i got a few messages that told me 'i got this' today.
It's a good feeling to get a push in my back like this.
The feeling of acceptance and support...
And ofcource i haven't forgot all those kind words of everyone over here...

 

I'm feel i have to keep saying "Thank you" every time to everyone.
This is such a new and wonderful world that opened up that those words don't really feel like they do justice to be honest.
But i fail to grasp the words to express myself in a better way.

Right, i guess it's time to start the day.
I need to calm myself a bit before calling later this morning so a quick shower and some fruit to start.
And ofcource will be writing today about calls.
 

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Ok so i made my first call for the day.
The one to the Dysphoria help center.

I should tell that i was both happy and not happy at the end of the conversation.
Let me explain what happend.

When i thought about it, i imagined that they would help me in the following way: 
I describe my experiences on the phone and they will make appointments with the right people for me.
Or something like that.

But i only generally checked their website and failed to notice that it's a Dysphoria help support line.
No appointments. Just talking and getting advice.

And i did get some good advice.  And she also talked about waiting times and stuff like that and how i should try to get on the list as quickly as possible because it would still take a long time before the first appointment.
Stuff like that... very helpful.

And i was tense going into the conversation. Luckily that lady was patient and understanding.
So less stuff happend than i hoped for,  but i got a couple good tips that will help me this afternoon when the doctor calls.

It was a lot less eventful than expected.
Sure i almost broke down when i talked about my dysphoria but i kinda managed to hold myself.
It was good call in the end. And i realized that i have to discuss a lot more with my doctor.

It will be ..... scary to talk about all of it.
i mean i hope i don't overwhelm her and she will quit and announce it is too much for her...

 

It's a weird feeling... i'm not sure what to do or tell this afternoon to the doctor.
Or 'how much' to be more accurately...

I thought about it for a few minutes and perhaps i just tell her just that.
That i'm scared to tell/ask to much. 
Argh... and i'm not sure if that is also a good way because it can put her under pressure...

Yea.... guess i don't know what now....
Whatever...






 

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I think I've already mentioned that your anxiety is not uncommon.

The first time I called a clinic I hung up twice and had anxiety attacks before I managed to complete the call.  (I mean fetal position anxiety)  But when I finally managed to complete the call, they were very understanding.

Things will get better.

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@JandiThank you for sharing orcourse. It must be tough in the States.

Alright it's now  08:15pm.
The doctor called in the afternoon, a bit past 4.
And i'm happy to tell that i could tell and everything i wanted.

She was again very helpful and listened to everything and answered everything she could or advised the correct direction.
And she had a couple of things she didn't know.
She proposed that she took some time to investigate and call back next week Thursday.
And i have to call on Monday to make an appointment for a full checkup.

So slowly some things are getting done.

I need to contact my insurance to get some more info about those laser treatments and if they know something close by.

But for now.... The week has ended.

It has been rather though i admit...  Body is tense and my mind is tired.
And i'm happy to tell that i actually did something for myself to really relax.
I made an appointment with a masseuse tomorrow after lunch for an hour.

No clue what to really expect but i remember i liked getting massages in my teens.
And the lady sounded nice. foreign but that doesn't matter ofcourse. 
According to her website she should have quite a few years of experience. I'm already a bit excited to go.

For now i'm rather tired.  Oh i hear i have to put the laundry in the dryer....
I guess the writing will be a bit short this evening. But i already told quite a bit today.
Before i forget to tell but i still haven't heard from my mom. 
Perhaps she still needs more time ... but ......   Yea i'm getting a bit more uncertain about it tbh.
Sigh...

I can't force things...
Time to smoke and relax.   Thinking about tomorrow and what i will do.

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 @TiredAndScared it's lovely to hear the change in the tone of what you write. It's also gratifying to hear all the self care you're engaging in - hair care, sleep, massage, appointmentd, etc. You're going through what you need to now, and with each step you'll grow stronger; it will get easier albeit by tiny degrees at first. I admire your courage and persistence. 

 

As for your hair, you're ready to lose the ropes? If that's the case, frankly you will have to cut a lot off. BUT! If you're willing to take the plunge, you can make letting it grow in fun. Search for women's short pixie cuts, to get some ideas of short styles you think you could rock. If you're bashful about showing the hair stylist (a gender-neutral form of barber) a picture of a female, then search for androgynous short hair styles. You'll be able to find a picture there similar enough to any women's short pixie style you liked. Basically, a women's short haircut is more wispy at the ends, whereas a "classic" men's cut tends to be blunt around the sides and back. You don't have to say "androgynous" to the stylist. Just show the picture and tell them to make it fun. As you grow out your hair, get small trims every 8 weeks or so. That'll keep your hair in a nice shape at every stage. Find some little hats that appeal to you, like a light beanie in a fun color. Something that feels special to you, and safe to wear. Think of your hair metaphorically if it helps - shedding the old and growing into the new.

 

Cheers! 

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@Vidanjali I'm really happy to get these kinds of advice and tips. And to be honest i don't feel that courage that you speak of.
 

 

The weekend started... Finally some sun today.
Looking back i realize that the week was.... heavy...

*Sigh*
I told that i would be honest while writing here so i will be.
Last nights i was completely overwhelmed by my emotions for a hour or so...
Waterworks the whole time.

Why?
I am sad pissed and scared.
Sad because i missed so much time of my life, sad i missed so many "firsts" i will never get to experience. Was so lonely for so long
Pissed off on myself that i have been so stupid, so blind, asking myself why i have been like this for so long.
Scared my body is too old, to damaged so that i will never be able to be like i want to be. That i'm to late with everything.

I cry with these thoughts, even now when i write them down.
The feeling of loss is overwhelming and scary.

It's not giving up hope...
I will continue with everything.

But i guess i'm starting to realize how blind i have been and i don't know what to do....
And then the realization that nothing can be done about it ....  It already did happen.
Feeling defeated and a loss, unable to do anything about it.
It hurts....

But with those fears i still see my self image in my minds eye and feel i'm able to reach my goals.
It's hard to see in those moments...  But i still see myself. Desperately telling myself that it's still possible....

I think i just understand what my biggest fears are in this all.
Not the coming out or anything like that. Or how people will see me.

But the fear that i'm to late.
 


I should stop thinking about it for now. The day just started and now i'm already crying .
A long shower and some fruits to get started.  I want to clean myself up a bit more for that massage this afternoon.
I'm a bit nervous to go there to be honest...

Well... to be specific i'm a bit scared to be touched...
Not the touching itself but how i will respond.
My emotions have been all over the place this week and well....... a simple human touch is something that i haven't experienced for a long time.
I'm scared that i get emotional whilst i'm laying down there on the table and scare that lady somehow.

Yes i'm wreck at the moment.
Everyone here telling me that i'm brave. And i truly appreciate it. I have never received such remarks and hold them dearly.

But i don't see myself like that.
I have mentioned it a couple times before but i don't feel brave.
I feel desperate. Swinging my arms around in the dark desperately clinging to something that feels right.
Not sure what to or how to feel.
Unknown feelings that suddenly spring forth in my body that i don't know how to cope with.
It's so ~~censored word~~ scary...

Ugh...
I just told myself i should stop thinking like this for now and go on with the day.
The day is nice and sunny (for now) so i should take advantage of it while i can.
Not to forget that still have some laundry to do.
Doing stuff helps me to keep my mind occupied.










 

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Don’t let your age stop you.   
I’m over 60, and not the only one.   
 

You have to start where you are.   

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We don't always feel brave when we're brave. You're holding on to hope. That's brave. You're feeling what you feel. That's brave. You're reaching out and taking steps to take care of you even as you feel afraid. That's brave.

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I've been looking at the screen for 10 minutes already without writing anything down.
Not sure what to say.  I mean i have no words for what you all are telling me.

 

I don't know how to say this..... In my mind, perhaps it's as you all say.
But my feelings still stagger behind, making me how i'm now at the moment.

This week a LOT happend on nearly any aspect of my life.
Not so much physically but on a mental en emotional level.

And i have lived in a semi conscious state for the past 20 years or so.
Ignoring everything about myself.. Ignoring feelings...  emotions.
And now they overtake me like a tsunami.....


I don't really know what to do with them other than experience them.
Sometimes i fear i get lost in them and get scared....  hesitating to explore those new things.

But they also give me extremely much insights about myself...
And i got to understand some of my most darkest of thoughts about myself.
Why i imagine myself in a certain way and why it came to that... 


I guess that self reflection comes automatically nowadays.
Constantly thinking about stuff that did happen in the past and the things that happen now.
And also this forum where i basically force myself to be honest to myself.

 

If i'm bold, i willing to say that i figured out most of my behavior and ways on how i and why i do things or think in certain ways.

 

But figuring out most of that stuff give me new feelings...
Unknown feelings , uncertainty.... or more simply said....
I don't know what to do with those feelings and they scare me a bit, even if they are good.

And also some of my behavior patterns feel as if they are almost impossible to break.

 

And while i say i have discovered almost everything about myself..  It's not completely true ofcourse.
Every time i write here, i also get new insights about myself... Guess that's the upside of forcing myself to be honest.



Right...  Time to stop with this for a  bit and write about how it went at the massage parlor earlier today.

I had a great time and it was very relaxing.  The lady who treated me was very nice and understanding.
You see, i have never been to such a place ever. And i ofcourse told the lady.
I had to ask what the common practices and stuff were.  And i managed to do nothing embarrassing.

She asked me what i wanted and i told that im not sure.
Then i just said to her that i had a tough emotional week and feeling tense.
And suggested if she could propose something for that or simply just do what she thinks is right as i don't have a clue.
g
For the rest it was a great experience i have to say. Back, lower-back, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, fingers, head, face, legs front and back. and guided me in a couple positions to massage certain muscles. 
Semi dark room, soft tones, and warm oils....
One word...  relaxing.  She didn't talk much during it all. Just some guidance and a few questions in the beginning.

I am curious tho and what to ask any of the readers if they have any experience with a Thai massage parlor?
Just a normal, decent parlor as far as i know.

But .... yea.... i mean,  i thought that she went rather close to certain places during the treatment and was wondering if this is normal for a Thai massage?
Perhaps i'm reading more into it than what was actually happening.
But she went rather low on my lower back side and rather high on my legs on front and back... and some other things that surprised me but i didn't want to ask during that time as it was still relaxing. And afterwards i didn't dare to ask tbh.
Like i said, this was my first time and i'm just not used to it. So perhaps it's just a normal thing?
And i was there for over an hour so she took her time for everything.  But that hour was gone before i knew it.
She also brought me a small bottle of water afterwards.
Perhaps i go back next month..... All in all it was great... But yea i guess i have to get used to it.

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Hi Jandi, it was very relaxing.

Sunday morning.  .. and with actual sun.

I have done nothing much since yesterday.
Only had some dinner and planted myself in front of the pc for the rest of the evening/night.

Not much has happen'd for the rest of the evening except for one thing.
That is that someone i know from the chat had a bad day yesterday and wrote a couple lines in the chat.
She wrote that she doesn't want to live anymore....
 I was busy doing some things and only noticed the message about an hour later and i wrote something back to try to lift

her spirits a bit. But.... she was already offline.
And now, the next morning, she's still offline...  I really hope she didn't something stupid.
The one thing i have done is informing a staff member of the discord server but .....yea... timezones.

That's about the only thing i could do i'm afraid.
 

I still have things i want to do for today and i will write more..... but.
Now, I'm not in the mood to write more to be honest.

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It's been a hot day... Well,  at least for our standards here.

I've been thinking about what i wrote earlier today.
That girl in the chat?  Still haven't seen her come online....
We only spoke on discord the past week, simply talking and gave me some tips.
But i'm still worried even tho she basically a stranger. And i did all i could i guess. Nothing i can do really, if i'm honest.

For the rest it was a lazy day.
Just doing some cleanup and laundry. I told before that my house in a dismal state and i'm unfortunately not exaggerating.
I've managed to clean up my computer room and bedroom.
Opened up a few windows and curtains to air everything and get some light in.

I need a battle plan for this....

The last few minutes i was thinking about how to do this and i guess i have an idea...
But yea.... it will take some time.  


But the first thing on the list... scour the house on everything that simply can be thrown away.
That will keep me busy for a few days... need to throw away an old broken fridge and stuff like that.
Ok i will not bore you with the rest...  Basically spring-clean for a house that really needs it.

 

I'm doing it for several reasons to be honest...
Today i was also thinking about how i want to shape my body with exercises and was looking up what exercises i have to do for that. 
Then i realized that i need quite some space and i simply don't have it due to all the mess.
I mean a complete room is cluttered with stuff that i basically don't need...
Now i see a perfect training room there .... and i want a fullbody mirror... hope i can find one for cheap...


Is it weird that i'm thinking about my body shape? 
So many thoughts go into it that i'm a bit stunned by it.
And so much info on internet/youtube.

 

But for now more laundry to do sigh....


 

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2 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

Is it weird that i'm thinking about my body shape? 

 

@TiredAndScared, that's not a weird thing at all.  Collectively here at TP, we've written gigabytes about our bodies and the shape that they've been, are becoming, and/or that we want them to be.

 

It's a topic of both dysphoria and euphoria. So, no, it's not weird -- it's completely normal.

 

Chime in anytime you'd like on this or other topics!

 

With best wishes,

 

Astrid

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