Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

My mental breakdown of the past weeks.


TiredAndScared

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 123
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Jandi

    22

  • Vidanjali

    7

  • April-Showers

    7

  • TiredAndScared

    68

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

Hi @Jandi , Yea it was. 
Kinda stopped thinking for a while and went with the flow for a bit.
Not that it actually worked because of the new places i went doing groceries but as much as possible.
It's nice to simply be myself and do my own thing without caring... 
But i still can't do it for long and then my mind starts to wander to dark corners... 
Still need to learn much...

Oh and another thing i wanted to tell in general.
I try to do research oh how everything works here in my country and got some good tips from everyone.
And when i was looking this evening i found a proper independent website that has about all info and contacts that is needed.
That 2 year waiting list?   Yea found a couple endo's with a waiting list between 1~2 months!
All sorts on info on how to get help from the insurance, government and even the local township.

It sounds awesome...  Puts a small dent in my plan to get skinny before getting onto HRT but ...
Yea i finally see the road clear up a bit.. I was scared it would take years before anything would actually happen.
I feel relieved now i have seen all that....  Time to mail that link to my doctor!
Now first waiting for my general blood results from my GP to see if i'm healthy or not.
That will be nerve wrecking this week till Thursday.

Link to comment

Hi all,

It's a nice day today. I'm a bit late with writing but yea i was a bit busy.
This morning i woke up quite early and was chilling at the pc.
I was chatting for nearly the whole morning on the discord server exchanging experiences.
And it generally helps me calm me down overall.
Idk. Perhaps it's because im able to talk about anything i want and don't have to think about how i'm supposed to present myself.
 

But it was a relaxing morning. later today i went to pick up my mom and got to the care home my father is in.
He's demented and needs 24/7 care. Something we were unable to provide from him at home.
For years now all communication with him is lost. Of course we see/visit him but he's unable to express himself in any way.
But to make things a bit cheaper we do his laundry just at home.

But in any case i picked up my mom and we went to my dad.
I grabbed a wheelchair for my mom and pushed her around to his room.
Putted away his clean clothes and picked up the dirty ones.
After that we go to sit outside with him for a bit but... yea it is what it is.... a dreadful decease.

After the visit we went to a supermarket to do some groceries....
Or better said; i was send out to do them. No problem ofc but i forgot my phone when i walked inside...
So when i got back to the car, i was send back for a second time to get the stuff she forgot... Oh well...
When we got back to her home i put away all the groceries and helped her with some small things so she was ok for now.

Got back and grabbed something to eat and now i'm writing.
So the day has been rather filled so far... Quite different from a normal Sunday but not bad.

And this morning  i got a lot of information and looked stuff up on how everything works in my country.
In the beginning it was rather overwhelming about how it works but i got some more insights about it now.
And it seems rather clear now on what to do for what i want.
But i do have to get some form of consent from the therapist that is required by law.
(Not quite sure how that letter is actually called in English)
And a referral from my gp and then i can make an appointment to start hrt.

 

Now first i want to wait and see if my general health is ok. 
I will have to wait till Thursday before i can phone for the results.
And im a bit scared to know the results tbh... My family does not have the best genes if im honest...
But yea heart issues and dementia is quite real...

Ugh...  i don't wanna know....  But i already made the step so i can only go forward and face the facts.
I must know it if i want to go on...

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, TiredAndScared said:

a dreadful decease.

I know this.   My mother had it, and we (siblings)  helped care for her in our homes until she passed.

Link to comment

Good morning everyone.


A new week started. With rain and thunder..... Yup that's about right for my country in the summer.
I was up early today 04AM and not feeling very well.

I've been eating healthy for about a week and a half and last night i got some chineese for dinner. 
Just a little treat because i have been rather strict with it.
Unfortunately my body didn't agree with it in the night.
So i was up very early and not being able to go back to sleep.
But it's okay now. At least the feeling went away...

Getting up that early and have nothing to do...
My mind went wandering... Yea i know... not the best thing to do.

This week will be rather intense. Tomorrow i have an appointment with the therapist.
Not sure how that will go but i guess it will be emotional. 

And on Thursday i have my bloodwork results.

That one scares me so much...
I know it's just a checkup that i asked my gp to do.
But yea... i fear the results...  I already mentioned earlier about heart problems and dementia running in the family.
I fear so much that i get a result that prevents me from getting hormones...

And all i can do is write about it...
Sometimes i wonder how it would be if i have someone to share things irl...
Or simply get a hug or just a hand on my shoulder...
Yea i'm getting caught up in my fantasies again...

You know i'm in a sort of doubt at the moment....
Not about what i want to do with myself but if i should continue to investigate/arrange things this week.
I mean... If the results on Thursday are F'ed...  I..... I'm sure i want to try and solve those issues first ... if something can be done about it.
Arch.... This is difficult...  I really want to simply continue with everything... but if i can't .. i will just slap my own face if i just continue researching and can't use it in the end.

I keep doing things like my diet and walking and stuff....   But now i'm not sure what to do with the other things.
The planning was to call around and make a start to inform people of my choices. Like the insurance.
But... calling them now...... and possibly calling them later this week to cancel everything... yea i don't think i will be able to do that.

Link to comment

We can't always rush things...  They have to move at their own pace.  

And that's not always easy.

Link to comment

Hi Jandi,

yea it certainly isn't easy. And it's rather hard to accept that i could potentially be stopped there.
But all i can do now is wait and accept whatever comes my way.   Not fun..

 


Waking up to another fine gray day.
Fog this time instead of clouds and rain so it's a nice change from normal i guess.

I kinda want to talk about a thing from last Sunday. When i went to my dad with my mom.
But first i want to explain a bit.
Sometimes i get in a situation and stuff happens... things are done or said during it and afterwards we just go on.
However i often have that certain situations keep playing in my head for days, playing out differently every time.
Changing what i said or what i did.
I don't know if that it's normal to think like this or if it's just me.
But after more than 20 years of not really communicating with anyone.... this is basically just how i cope with things and try to make sense of them.

Now an other little thing about myself...
I can't see others in pain.  And this is actually affecting me physically.
For example... When i was a kid i was watching a show on tv.
Sitting on a chair getting a haircut from my mom.
On that tv show a man was shown in extreme real pain (It was one of those rl medical shows)
I simply blacked out...  Mom had to grab me before i fell from the chair.
And i have had more situations like that in my life.

Okay back to Sunday.
Mom and i discussed a small thing to get my dad from one chair to another because he seemed in pain with his current chair.
Then she asked me to do it...
.....
I was unable to do it i'm afraid to say. 
Got remarks like "you should do that for YOUR father" and stuff like that from my mom.

In the end the lady behind the desk noticed that i was extremely uncomfortable and kinda saved me and spoke up for me.
Perhaps she did see me shake a bit....i can get nervous very quickly in those situations.

And now i guess my mom is pissed off on me...
Why i'm saying that?
Simple... Friday, Saturday and Sunday morning my mom texted me for things and asked me to do stuff if i called and drove her around to anywhere she wanted.
And now, after Sunday afternoon, Every reaction i got is: "Yea i will let you know if i need anything." or "lots of others are also helping".

I'm F'ing pissed about this off to be honest.
She knows what i'm like...... Or at least she should know....
But because i share a bloodbond with anyone i'm supposed to completely forget myself and how i feel and just do anything that is asked from me?
I try to help in any way i can... But there are some things i just can't do...
And in my mind i'm screaming to her about what the hell she's thinking and try to make her see who i really am.

It's not healthy to keep it in me like that. 
That's why i decided to write about it. 
Sometimes i really want to say everything that i feel she did wrong with me.... in her face.
She always gives me the feeling that she somehow always tries to be better than me...to be 'the parent'.
It feels like she has this mindset that she's always correct in everything because she has to be according to the world.

To me she seems so chained in traditions and "how things are supposed to be" mindset.
That she simply ignores any feelings from herself and others just to comply to 'how things are supposed to be'.
That really makes me hate her sometimes...
And i just want to scream that she has a mindset from the last century and will grow old and bitter.
How she's so blind to see that she's actually hurting others by acting like this.


Ok.... rant over...
I needed to get that off my chest.
And it calmed me a bit so i can focus more on the therapist appointment i have later today...
That will also be rather intense i guess.
Of course i will write about it. But i'm not sure if it will be today or tomorrow.

Link to comment

It's not always easy for (us) older folks to change after living a lifetime in a certain mindset.  And letting go of our children and seeing them as adults equal to us can be hard as well.  A lot of people never get to that place.

I doubt that there is anyone living who doesn't have issues of some kind.  We just have to do the best we can with what we have.

Link to comment

Hi Jandi,

Yea i do know that. It's not that i will actually say that to her when she still hasn't asked about anything.
And if she does want to talk, i will not point it out or at least not use such direct words if it ever comes up.
I realize that it's prolly hard on her... But in the end she still has to make a choice.
Because i'm not going to wait or stop for her, whatever her choice is in the end.
For now i will give her more time. She also has to think about her coming operation on her ankle and other things.

Link to comment

HI all,

So it's 05 AM now and still dark outside.
I got to sleep rather early yesterday and got up early. 
Nothing i can do about it really. I mean i never sleep a lot.

 

But i wasn't going to talk about that. I want to talk about yesterday about the therapist.
Well, perhaps that not the right name... Social worker would be more correct.

I was nervous as heck while waiting to get in.
One thing tho i have to mention is that i gave permission in the past so that the social worker and doctor share my files.
So she was already completely informed about what happened and what i want because i already told the doctor on the phone. (And to be honest i have spoke to her before in the past about other more shallow stuff.)
 

When i was in her office she spoke up to start the conversation and quickly i was talking about everything...
But talking face to face was the first time yesterday.
Actually telling someone with my own ugly voice what i want to be.

It was weird to do if i'm honest, Weird and scary. Even tho she was already informed and perfectly fine with it.
I still thought i was getting judged when i told her.
Nothing indicated that she did of course. Just my own fears playing up and she was very understanding.

In the end it was kinda relaxing to talk about everything... even if i got emotional several times.
I mean i kinda told her about most tings but she got the abbreviated version from what i told here basically.
And she's also willing to write anything or any referral that i would need to continue what i want so that was encouraging.
She (and the doctor) also asked what i wanted to be called now. But i haven't told them (yet)

And i kinda stopped her in the end from writing letters.
Why you ask?
No, i have no doubts nor regrets....

I kinda fear my blood test results that come tomorrow like i already wrote about previously.
And i also talked about this to her.
She was understanding about it and also immediately arranged a new appointment next week. 

As i write this,  i'm recalling more parts of the conversation.
Now i think about it it seems that she did some research in advance.
She was able to speak about certain things like; that i would be required to live like a woman for a while before transitioning.
But in the end her knowledge was limited and i don't blame her or anything like that of course.
Actually i was kinda impressed that she found stuff like that.
I mean we have lots of information in our country but it's just scattered from what could see.
No.... not even that.... it's... ah yea, it's the start that is clouded.
What i mean is that it's very unclear where you can go to if you want to start transitioning.
But when you know , all sorts of info and support is available.

In the end that talk with her helped me more than i realized.
Now i feel a bit more comfortable about talking about what i want and feeling less awkward.

Link to comment
10 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

In the end that talk with her helped me more than i realized.
Now i feel a bit more comfortable about talking about what i want and feeling less awkward.

This sounds like good progress.

Link to comment

Good morning Jandi,

perhaps it's some progress.
I told her directly, during the conversation, that i feel i can talk because she's bound by professional secrecy.
But yea,  it did feel relieving....
 

***

 

A gray morning...
Sorry, my mind is currently in quite a state and i have trouble to stay positive at the moment even tho i really want to.
It's those damned blood tests results that keep popping up in my thoughts.

 

The 2 extremes just keep going round and round in my head..

Nothing is wrong... I can go on exploring and finding myself back...
Everything is wrong... I'm stopped here permanently and can never change my body how i want it to be... 

It makes me feel losing my breath and crying.... Another 9 damned hours before i can call the doctors office...
Why does time go so slow in these situations....

Sigh..
I couldn't stop myself last night... I was still looking around for things about transitioning at one point before i realized it.
Even tho i didn't want to do that like i explained in previous posts.
And i was also thinking of telling someone neutral that i'm planning to transition.
I have someone in mind for that....
If .. everything is fine... i'm planning to get another massage on Saturday.
(It was very relaxing last time and i'm kinda thinking of going once every month or so.)
Anyways, i kinda want to tell it to that lady as she would see the changes quite directly.


Perhaps it's wrong of me to think this but, i kinda hope she wont be judgmental because she's from Thailand.
I mean it's not uncommon in that culture to have also people like us?

.....
I'm getting ahead of myself again....
Why should i make plans if i don't yet know what i can do?
Why waste the energy and time for something uncertain?
What use does it have to tell anybody anything if i can't do anything about my body

Ugh...
Stuff like that is constantly going on for days now in my head and it's not a fun ride i can tell you.
I notice that i smoke more and still get less sleep/rest.
Still trying to do things around the house.... like exercises and cleaning....but i's kinda hard to get myself going...
And unsurprisingly with all that, i got more emotional the last days. 

 

Emotionally unstable....?  yea no doubt... 
Mentally unstable...?  A bit shaky i guess but not irrational.

Whatever happen to me in my life, i never thought of taking it.
The rapes, drugs, alcohol, dark lonely thoughts...

I always had this weird thought...
"If the universe wants me to live, i'll live. If the universe wants me to die, it will take my body regardless of what i try."

I mentioned before.. I'm not religious. But my whole life i had certain thoughts on how to do things.
Mostly it was/is simply following nature to a certain degree.
It kept me from doing the most extreme stupid things to myself.
Yes i still smoke tobacco and weed.
But i didn't do any hard drugs, alcohol nor caffeine for the last 20 years.


Sorry,
This is just my way of coping with tough things.
Telling myself to follow nature and keep living whatever happens...
Even an insect keeps on struggling to live when it's trampled half to death right?

And to be even more philosophical; 
'The meaning of life'
I suppose lots of people have their own solution for that question or are still looking for it.
For me the answer to that question is; "Life itself".
So the phrase for me would be: "The meaning of life is to live".

 

I mean, it's evident for me that we can't take any possessions with us when we die.
The Egyptians made that extremely clear with their pyramids.
And i don't know if there is anything like an afterlife or reincarnation or whatever.
But my soul does exist and i don't care what anybody else thinks about that.

Guess you can call me stupid but i try to completely live the life this body was granted by the universe.
And experience everything what comes on my way. Mostly scared or lonely but still experience it.
Perhaps there is something like reincarnation... Or perhaps i just want to think that something like that exists.
But if it does... at least i can say to myself that i tried to live.
 

***

 

Pfff in the end i guess i just want to tell that whatever happens today i will live on in the end.
Perhaps crawl back in a corner for while and feel miserable but nothing i haven't experienced before..

I know i'm just a faceless name here on the forums and perhaps just a side story for some as a daily entertainment.
But i want to say to those who are so kind to help me and give me advice, that you don't have to worry i do something weird.

Link to comment

@TiredAndScared

 

Hang in there. I hear you. You expressed your feelings and wrote quite well about them and your struggles lately—there's a lot positive in that. I am often reminded by others here to be patient, see the longer path, though that's not always so comforting.

hugs,

Davie

Link to comment

Hi @Davie,
welcome of course and thank you for you kind words.

 

***

Welp.... The universe has been kind enough to allow me to continue. 🥳
Normally I had to wait for another 4 hours or so but...I was completely fed up and went to the doctor and asked..
And the lady told me that there are no major issues.
Some vitamin D deficiency and some other thing iron related. And i get supplements for both for a couple of weeks.

And i have to watch a bit on my food because i had a slightly raised sugar lvl but nothing to worry.

Hell yes...!  i'm soooooo relieved \o/ woohoo....

And i even noticed that today i needed a belt for my pants where i didn't need it last week 😁
Pfff so many think are popping in my mind that i want to do immediately.
I need to calm down a bit.... guess it's time to call that masseuse and see when she has time...

Link to comment

Hi everyone,

A normal gray day... and i had to wake up "early" today.
My mom had to back to the hospital for a checkup for her broken ankle.
She has to get surgery for that on Monday so i guess i have to spend the whole day there on Monday.

When we got back later this morning, we got back in construction activities.
It was planned for those carpenters to do some renovations to the front of her house.
But what a mess and noise.. I couldn't stand the loud noises as that actually hurt.
So i got out of there rather quickly.

For the rest i haven't done much since yesterday.
Just relaxing a bit and just be happy that my body is in better health than expected.
I kinda want to talk to the insurance today but i feel i need to gather my courage for a bit.
I have to call and talk to someone directly about it... But it still feels hard to talk to someone directly.
Perhaps in the afternoon....

The new month has (almost) started and i'm planning to buy some clothes.
I suppose i'm glad i live in the country with the tallest people on earth.
I kinda hope i gives me more options to choose from but i guess i have to find out.
So many new things to learn and experience. I'm exited for it but also tense...
Should i go to a store or simply get it online?
There are so many things to tryout that i'm getting a bit overwhelmed.
Because i also want to try a bit makeup. (Just some simple things.)

Or perhaps i should wait for a while with clothes.. I mean i'm on a diet now and it seems that it goes a bit faster that expected.
Last time i weighted myself was on one of those wheelchair scales and i was around 105Kg on that thing about a month ago.
This morning on my own bathroom scale i was 98.4Kg so something is happening at least.
And as i told before i don't have to much to spend in a month so i have to be frugal...
Argh.... reason and wants....  My reason tells me not to buy for at least this month.  But i want it so much....

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

    Do you have any stores where you can by used clothing for low prices?  Early in my transition i would shop in those stores where i could by several outfits for the cost of one blouse.  Doing that allowed me to discover what sizes worked for me and what styles worked best.  This might also help if you are loosing weight as you can get some clothes now and simply "trade them in" as you loose weight.

   If you buy things online make sure you can return them.  Often sizes seemingly vary greatly.  A size may vary greatly for some reason.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Link to comment

I just looked around and it seems that the only one close by is closing tomorrow for a 20 day vacation.
The rest is about 45min drive away. So i'm more or less still bound to that month at least hahaha.
But that tip is really good. Thanks ofc.
 

Link to comment

Dear diary..

lol.. Well i just wanted to start once like that. 
It's already in the afternoon here and i'm quite late with writing.
A humid day with lots of rain... As per usual.

This morning i started with about of 2 hours of 'me' time.
Showering, cleaning, shaving, doing nails, combining clothes so i don't look like garbage.... (i have 0 fashion sense tbh.)
And after that i went to the massage parlor for a session.  I really start to love it.
But i can't do it to much.... perhaps once every one or two months will be ok.
I just wanted it today because i was very stressed about my bloodwork this week.
And besides that, i increased a bit of my daily workout so i was also a bit sore.
That lady found every single tired or hurting muscle in my body....

Another thing while i was there was that i tried to tell that lady that i will do some medical procedures in the coming months and years to change my body.  Basically i tried to tell her about me and what my plans are.
I mean.... I kinda want to keep going there in the future but my body will change.
So i wanted to inform her about it so she can decide if she wants to keep me as a customer.
Unfortunately  she didn't understand me well due to a language barrier.
She can speak my language but i guess what i tried to explain was a bit to complicated.
In the end i didn't continue with explaining and thought.... "oh well, i will try it again in the future."

After that i went to my mom and helped her with getting groceries and some household chores like laundry and some cleaning.
I don't really mind doing that for her, but today was a bit hard because i am also tired.
Now i'm back at my place and just vegging out and writing a bit.
Recalling my thoughts and actions from the past few days.

I still need to call my insurance to get into contact with that gendercoach.
As soon a s possible i want to start permanent hair removal and i want to ask what options and teams they support.
I found one close by (About half an hour drive) with a relative short waiting list to get an endo appointment.

Dang.... I just tried to call that coach....
I mean, i was kinda procrastinating because it means to talk directly to someone. 
But while writing i just grabbed my phone and dialed them.
That happens sometimes when i think and write about stuff... 
Things i didn't had the courage for, somehow become a bit less scary sometimes. 
Anyways, i forgot that it's weekend now and i got the voicemail... So now i have something to do on Monday.

Not sure what i will do for the rest of the day. For now chilling and perhaps a bit chatting.
Oh... my own laundry and stuff....    sigh. -.-'

Link to comment

My dad passed away...
I got a call earlier around 04AM from my brother telling that he's taking mom to the carehome my dad is in.
I jumped in the car after getting dressed and also went to his carehome. 
But there wasn't much we could do really. Yea we called the funeral ... whatever what it's called in English...
After about an hour we went back home as it's still early in the morning.

It wasn't a real surprise if i'm honest.  He had dementia and it was getting worse lately.
I didn't take a last look at him...  i never want to do that with people that have passed away... I like to keep nice memories.

And in some ways it's better for him.... I can't imagine he would have liked to live like that in his last years.

Link to comment
  • Admin

Let your tears of parting cleanse your Temple of Memory where your beloved will live on in your life.

Link to comment

 

@TiredAndScared

So sorry to hear that. Endings are always sad no matter what. Take time to sit with it, let go, and to take care of yourself. The best tribute is to live a life you love and that brings you happiness. That's what has helped me get through similar situations. We're here for you.

🙏

Davie

Link to comment

Thank you all of course.

I will get over it.  It's just that it's still a pain when it happens.
That sounds kinda heartless but well....   to be brutally  honest.... that wasn't my dad anymore the last few years.
It's his body of course.  But not him..

It was that, with every visit, he was a little bit more gone...
So we already kinda said goodbye to him during the last 5 years or so.
He could't recognize anyone anymore and couldn't do anything anymore.. 
For him it's sort of a good thing i guess....  He wouldn't want to be kept alive like this...

Most things are already arranged by now... Cards have been picked and texts have been chosen.
Dad is brought home in a coffin and ... what is the English term?...  laid out? (that sounds weird google translate)
Just he's now presentable for anyone who wants to say goodbye.
But it will be a week before he will get cremated. Mom still has her ankle operation going on tomorrow.
So i have to get up early to bring her to the hospital.

 

Today i remembered something my dad thought me while i was a kid...
Forgotten it for the longest time but ....
He once told me: 
 "i don't care what you do with your life, be a president or a garbage collector. Just be happy with what you do"
Not sure how old i was... somewhere between 10~12 years or something?
I should keep that teaching in my life...  I know he mend it for my work career but i should apply it to my whole life...

 

Anyways,  for now i'm going to chill a bit.
Woke up at 04am and with everything that happend i got a bit tired. 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, TiredAndScared said:

 "i don't care what you do with your life, be a president or a garbage collector. Just be happy with what you do"

Sounds like a wise man.

I'm sorry for you and your family.  

It's never easy, even when you are expecting it.

Link to comment

Hi Jandi, yea before everything happened with that dementia, he was a good man.

 

***
 

I just came back from the hospital. I dropped off my mom (and helped her to her room ofc)
But i wasn't allowed to wait or even stay for a long time because of covid rules.

 

She was a bit irrational and cranky this morning. Not that i can blame her but it was kinda getting intense..
Like she simply left the car and started walking inside .... Leaving the car fully running with the keys in it.. while i was getting a wheelchair because she isn't allowed to walk even with crutches...Completely wanting to skip the administration desk and that automated appointment information pole thingy.
And then trying to get rid of me for a few moments because i didn't take it anymore and made a remark that she was being unreasonable.

But i went on with everything and kinda started to ignore her antics. Later explained it to her why i did act like that and she kinda understood my intentions i think. It's not that i hate her or anything but i detest some of her habits in how she's communicating.
If one way doesn't work.. nothing will work according to her... or if you give a second suggestion about a situation... suddenly the first suggestion that you give seems to be invalid for some reason even if you explain clearly that everything propesed are suggestions.
Very hard to communicate with her about certain things...

Right ... i've been on the phone for a while just now.
I was thinking about what i wanted to do now while waiting for my mom and then i remembered to call my insurance!

Last time when i called i got a number specifically for transgender related questions.
So i finally called just now... I had to ask to be transferred specifically to a 'gender change healthcare coach'.
F'ing nerve wreaking as i was on hold for a few minutes.... Nerves increasing for every second that passed.
In the end i nearly hung up but .... I didn't.

A lady picked up the phone and stared to talk to me and first got some of the mandatory things out of the way.
Name bdate etc.
After that she provided me with all the information i needed and had questions about.
All the things that i can do, how certain procedures go for requesting healthcare, what i have to do by law ... everything...

Also what my personal insurance covers. 
(Yes!! I did something good in the past... i can go to nearly everywhere instead of only being allowed to use the list of allowed medical caregivers for this)
So i don't have to pick a so called "centralized" path according to her but just can pick the teams and persons i want.

There are only 2 medical centers here in The Netherlands that provide that so called 'centralized path'  with a waiting list of minimum 2 frigging years!!
I'm so glad i won't have to follow that path....

And i had questions about a lot of things... HRT, voice training, hair removal, TShave, etc... 
She really took her time and explained everything clearly. And if she didn't know it directly; she immediately contacted other departments to get the correct info.
Kinda funny thing i noticed about her was, she knows a lot about everything and kinda seemed to be trained in it specifically.
But i guess it didn't cover personal interaction training...
The reason i say this because i was actually kinda waiting on the question on how i would like to be named and things related to that. But nothing of the sorts...
In the end that didn't bother me too much but i kinda paused for a bit with speaking when she finished the call by saying "Goodbye Mr. TiredAndScared."   I was kinda annoyed with that tbh... 
Anyways...

In the end I asked her to put the most important things on mail to me.
Mostly that i'm allowed to go to others with my personal insurance plan.
And it was a good thing i contacted them because she informed me about some medical centers that i wasn't aware of and actually fitted better to my situation.
And another thing i wasn't aware of is, that the gender teams here in The Netherlands not always accept referrals from any licenced therapist. But some genderteams only accept referrals from specific therapists or organisations.

So now i have the correct information to where i should start my path and everything and how it's financed.
Well, at least for the most part i guess. 
Because i can walk that so called "decentralized path" i have to make all my own appointments with the endo, voice trainer, hair remover, etc...
Oh well.... i can get everything a lot quicker so this is just a small thing to do myself i guess.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   6 Members, 0 Anonymous, 49 Guests (See full list)

    • unknown
    • Betty K
    • Robin.C
    • neo3000
    • MaryEllen
    • rachel w
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    No registered users viewing this page.


  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      74.9k
    • Total Posts
      695.1k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      8,716
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Jamie x
    Newest Member
    Jamie x
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. martin
      martin
      (43 years old)
    2. sweetgirl919
      sweetgirl919
      (43 years old)
    3. Thenewsteph
      Thenewsteph
      (27 years old)
    4. UnknownReality
      UnknownReality
      (32 years old)
  • Posts

    • neo3000
      suits. even tho they're quite formal, blazers and trousers make me feel like a man.  but also the baggy t-shirt/big jacket/straight jeans combo. they make me feel like any other boy my age, it makes me feel very happy.  
    • Nora
      Edit: ...as MOST if not all human beings are lol.
    • Nora
      ...Buuut...crap. This might be one of those social situations where I just shouldn't say anything, but I'm a little drunk, so I'm gonna risk it LOL. Here goes it: The first thing that comes to mind, is...there is no free will. ...For anyone to decide to do anything at all is simply an illusion; a beautiful lie. The reality of the matter is that due to the laws of nature and the laws of physics, EVERYTHING is pre-determined; written in stone the moment gravity first got it's foothold in this most-likely-fake thing humans like to call the Universe. For me to think that I have any kind of say in anything at all just seems to be laughably absurd to me. ...We're all slaves to fatalistic destiny. No one is really responsible or to be blamed for anything in Universe. ...And that's pretty much the only way I've found for me to forgive people who hurt me and others...it's not their fault; they know not what they do lol. The second thing that came to mind is WAY less deep; it's simply that it occurred to me that perhaps a part of me doesn't really like the word "Dysphoria" because it sounds like a mental illness. I'm not sick. Nothing's wrong with me. I'm merely dissatisfied with various aspects of my body, as all human beings are. Thinking of myself as "dysphoric" just feels...WEIRD lol. XD
    • Nora
      Edit: ...and part of middle school before "the incident." Sorry; I zoned out and re-lived some crap for a sec. I'm fine LOL. XD
    • Nora
      Thanks for sharing! That makes a lot more sense; the social dysphoria you describe is something I've felt for literally decades, in the sense I never really got along with the boys and preferred playing house with the girls, especially when I got to be the baby LOL. 😆 Got bullied all throughout elementary school, and part of elementary school before "the incident" happened when I was twelve, and then I prefer to just fast forward five years later at the age of seventeen and just skip that violent-gorey-horror-movie section of my life that led to copious amounts of drug and alcohol abuse which continues to this day despite my nurse's wishes lol. Then the good old fashioned bullying from when I was kid resumed all throughout my five year long firefighting career starting at seventeen. It was nice; I actually enjoyed the hazing; it was WAY nicer than...the period of time we shall never speak of...at least not tonight. =P
    • Nora
    • Nora
      Indeed, I should not care what others think or say, but alas, I just can't help myself lol. I'm terrified of causing a scene. I live in a town fulla cowboys, mountain men and rednecks. ...What if one of them's a psychotic bigot? ...What if they go after my mother? ...What if I can't do anything to protect her? ...I'd probably end up becoming a serial killer who targets transphobes, collecting locks of their hair in a scrapbook as trophies; THAT'S WHAT! Rotflol. 🤣   ...And I just CAN'T let that happen lmao. XD ...I'll get out of the house more in a few years or so LOL. XD
    • Delcina B
      Thanks @stveee ! There are so many common threads in your story & mine. I kind of regret not thinking of feminizing my clothes, it would've given me a bigger wardrobe. ICurrrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. I was right there nine months ago, so happy to have found this forum, & a wonderful gender therapist. I too feel more alive & someone is unfolding on this journey into my femme.   Hugs! Delcina
    • Mia Marie
      That's no way to live. I have been this way and I am just getting to the point it doesn't really bother me to walk around the women's dept and look to see what treasure I can find to wear. I am in the building stage with my wardrobe and I know it will take me a long time to find just the right garment to buy and wear. I have been working on my transition actually for the last couple of years, but medically transitioning for the last year. I can say I am not as nervous today with wanting to step out as my authentic self. I want to do it more and sometimes it seems exciting and all I can do is smile. I don't care if I am presenting correctly. It is my differences that make me better see what to do next. I have a plan to go to the mall and sit, watch and learn what will make me better. Fear shouldn't become the factor for not presenting in public. You shouldn't care what others think and say.
    • Davie
      "It's not the mountain we conquer,    but ourselves."     — Edmund Hillary 
    • Delcina B
      Welcome Vincent! Glad you're here. I think you'll find it a great place as I have with lots of loving support, advice & acceptance to help you on your journey.   Hugs! Delcina
    • AgnesBardsie
      Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It is very helpful!
    • stveee
      I want to feel cute but comfy, so it's either nightshirts/nightgowns lounging around the house, or an off the shoulder top or crop top really makes me feel girly. 
    • stveee
      Hi, my name is Stevie. I started "crossdressing" in early teens, maybe before, by cutting up my clothing. My parents would find piles of them and who knows what they thought. But I just had to do it. Then when I was 16 was the first time I tried on my older sister's tops.    My father suggested I join the Army after high school. I did and would buy clothes for my girlfriends and end up wearing them. I would engage in intimacy but stopped short of sex. I felt like my genitalia was not connected to my mind and felt no pleasure through it.    While in the military I took to binge drinking and severe depression ensued. By the time of discharge, I was suicidal, had several attempts and detoxes. I was admitted into the VA hospital and the first two meds made me numb and psychosis developed. Then, I genuinely tried to take my own life. Finally, a few years later, put on disability and took prozac for around 12 years which helped a bit. I met my first transgender (older transitioned MtF) persons in the VA and basically brought up the idea: why can't I be somewhere in the middle gender? Answer I got was basically Honey, that's not how it works. So facing a transition to female, I think I was 28 at the time, seemed like what I had to do. Or at least, try to live as much female as possible. I ended up marrying because I was lonely and afraid I could not support myself, and she accepted my gender ID and crossdressing. But I was seeing no therapist, no hormones. Started electrolysis in this DIY attempt, and some kind of facial hormone cream which I didn't realize was all short-sighted. Early internet days, shoddy information, sketchy sites.  The marriage was a disaster as there was abuse, drugs, alcohol and our individual psychological issues. Finally was separated, on my own and basically just existing. Using substances to cope. Dead to the world. Continued to keep a wardrobe and just managing the "dual life".  Went through Vocational Rehab in a janitorial program to get back into work. Exterted myself and got the job I have today and making more than I ever did. A few years, tossed my wardrobe (again)...oh, except a few things of course, and thinking the dysphoria will just go away now that I am older. Nope.   Currrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. Accumulating another wardrobe. Really regret tossing my shoes and I had some really cool things. I have the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl in there, buried under years of self-abuse. The fluidity is a bit precarious as the more I accept and go femme, the more alive I feel, like something is unfolding.  But I am still quite boyish and discovering what fits for me right now and the my physical limitations and working with them I guess as I am not just confined to the closet and want to be seen for who I am...which is a work in progress I suppose. There are still things about me that I very much like and don't want to change, and others which seem to cause conflict.  I get some comfort in realizing I do not necessarily have to be either one or the other gender right now, and it's more about how I feel about myself than passing or trying to live up to an ideal image. But sort of feel like a small minority as someone who has not gone through all the changes (yet?) of the transitioned, as I am still outing myself in small steps, in a small circle. I am naturally careful, but honest. I do not fear being hurt so much "out there", as I know from experience I am my own worst enemy and cause my own difficulties more than anyone could ever do.  Thank you for letting me share. I actually hope this has helped someone else who is lurking. After all, "Normal People" don't go years struggling with questioning their gender- we are all Trans here and in different chapters of the same story.  Love you All, S.
    • Vince94
      Hey, everyone! I'm on low dose T now for about 7 months, I use Testogel and, except for a few more whiskers and other very little changes, there hasn't really happened anything yet. I don't wanna say I'm not happy with what has changed but I really wish for a little more, especially after that time. My dose is really low, now I want to take twice as much and hope to get closer to my goal during the next months. But there are two things I'm a little worried about so I thought maybe someone here could help me! About two or three months after I've started HRT, I noticed that I'm losing much more hair than before. It still looks totally okay but there IS a difference. Do you think I will lose even more when I increase the dose? I mean, if that's the case I will accept it. Before I started HRT I was waaay more worried about that. Now it's not that much of a problem for me anymore but it would still be nice to know what to expect. :'D And the second thing (which I'm more afraid of): I've read that transmen on Testosterone have to have their internal female parts removed (uterus and ovaries, as far as I know) because else the risk will be higher to develop cancer. I don't know if that's true and if yes, how quickly I have to do that to prevent anything! I'm afraid I'll have less time to undergo that treatment when I increase my dose, and I don't know when I'll be ready for that. (It's not that I want to keep those parts, I just have a problem with hospitals and suffer from panic attacks when it comes to certain check ups or medical treatments...) And another question that's just coming to my mind: Will the removal of those parts have any other effects on my physical and mental health?   I want to talk with my gynaecologist about all that anyway but I'd still like to hear some opinions/experiences from other transmen (or non-binary persons on T or others who know more than I do)! I don't know how much my gynaecologist knows about the whole topic, and unfortunately, I can't talk with my endocrinologist about it because she probably can't tell me ANYTHING. I don't wanna sound mean but she's really not competent, and I'm not the only one who noticed that. Everytime I was there, I've had bad experiences. She gave me wrong information. Not to mention the assistants. But she's the only endocrinologist within my reach so I don't have much of a choice.   So, I hope someone here can share their knowledge/experiences with me; I'd be grateful for any answer!
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...