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My mental breakdown of the past weeks.


TiredAndScared

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3 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

So i finally called just now... I had to ask to be transferred specifically to a 'gender change healthcare coach'.
F'ing nerve wreaking as i was on hold for a few minutes.... Nerves increasing for every second that passed.
In the end i nearly hung up but .... I didn't.

These calls can be nerve-racking in the beginning.  But they get easier.

 

3 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

But i guess it didn't cover personal interaction training...
The reason i say this because i was actually kinda waiting on the question on how i would like to be named and things related to that. But nothing of the sorts...

Could be that she was waiting for you to bring it up when you were ready - just a thought.  She might not have wanted to be "pushy" about it.  Names can be a sensitive subject as you know.

 

It does sound like you are making good progress.

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Hi Jandi, 
Yea perhaps im simply to impatient for things to happen or something.
I feel that i personally getting more at ease with it but some things are hard in my country i have discovered...

***

Good morning everyonel,

It's "early" now.. just past 08 in the morning and i'm already on standby.
I'm going to pick up my mom from the hospital when she gets the ok from the doctor.
Everything went fine but she had a bit more pain than expected so she stayed for the night.
But i texted her earlier and it seems like she's already doing better.

Yesterday was a draining day.
I have actually called several organisations, my insurance, an endo clinic and a gender therapist center.
And im actually fed up with everything..
The gatekeeping is real over here!!!

If you want to know what kinds of insanity i get over here than you can have a look at this page.
And yes this is in The Netherlands...

I kinda chatted last night with someone about this who is also at the start of getting HRT.
She not from my country but we somehow ended up talking and kinda have similar family and social situations.
But she's way more assertive with getting things done and it helps to talk with her.
And she has incredible amounts of information about a lot of things.

In any case, we found a possible way to avoid those insane waiting lists.
I just have to talk to some people today to get more info on how to make use of that.
And to see if i can make use of it of course.

Anyways time to call around

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Hi everyone,

It has been 2 days since i last wrote and i have done lots of things in between.
Mostly helping my mom and helping arrange the funeral for my dad.
Looking up old photo's and selecting music and stuff writing text.
I'm not going to speak during the ceremony... I will break down at the start so that's not an option.

It was kinda fun to look trough the old photos tho.
Also found quite a few photo's of myself from when i was a small kid.
In case you wonder; Yea i did see a lot of signs on the photos even from when i was a kid.
Pastel colored clothes, Leaning into other boys when photo's are taken.. body posture...
It actually kinda helped me feeling more sure about myself.
And it also made me kinda pissed off to be honest...

The thought "why didn't anyone do anything?" popped in my mind but i know i can't really blame anyone...
I guess i'm just frustrated because i missed basically half of my life...

And that frustration kinda peaked in the last 2 days and got me quite emotional if i'm totally honest.
The reason for that is that the gatekeeping is extreme here in my country.
The whole letter of consent thing?  Yea that doesn't exist in my country.
You MUST follow an evaluation process that MUST take at least 6 months...
Another kick in the guts is that the waiting lists for the therapists who can do the evaluation, in a way that it's recognized by law,
almost all have waiting lists of over 1,5 years before you can actually get the first conversation...
I have been reading around and found that lots of girls here go for self treatment or something.
I will be clear that i dont want to do that. I mean i understand the dangers and that professional help is the best way.
But i will say that it very depressing and makes me feel very sad. I kinda cried a lot in the past few days.

Why does it have to be so difficult in my country?
I mean, if i go in for example for diabetes, i also don't have to show if i'm emotional enough the get the medicine or have to come back next month to show if perhaps then i'm emotional enough...
I have been reading court rulings and stuff about transgenders who found their own route and tried to get something payed back from the health insurance in the end... They got partially refunds so thats at least something...

And i was also chatting on the discord during that time.
I heard that someone from the middle east actually got help a lot quicker and easier than in my country.
I spoke to her for quite a while and yea ... we kinda were able to comfortably talk to each other about (Mostly) everything.
There was a lot of information i wasn't aware of and she explained it patiently and also even helped me getting courage to do things actively and stand up for myself. In the end she told me that she found a friend in me...

I'm not gonna lie... I has very happy when i heard that and we continued talking.
The conversation passed all sorts of subjects and even the deeper/harder things.
Chatting for hours and telling nearly everything.

But..... yea...
I told before that i don't have any friends irl.
It's a combination of me not wanting to have any contact but also of me being completely inadequate to judge what to do in a friendship. This has been basically the story of my life and i don't know what to do about it.

And i regret to say that again i was unable to make a judgement when talking to her.
It was a hard subject and it was upsetting her quite a lot in the end but i wasn't aware she was.
Of course i did apologize deeply and tried to say anything to make her not feel upset again.
I mean .. she helped me so much and was so nice to free up her time to chat.. that was the least thing i could try imo...
After that happened, the conversation went to games and after i made a remark about a cute game that i liked a few years back. I never got a reply back since then more than a day ago. 

I guess i did upset her more than i realized and -toasted- up the friendship quite thoroughly....
It's not the first time something like this happend in my life.... It's just....   i actually tried hard not to mess it up... but yea...
It seems that i'm just not capable of having any friends..... just... well ... whatever...Perhaps its better this way.
No need to explain anything to anyone when i transition.

All these things made me not wanting to write in the last few days.
Well i did want to write about it but i simply didn't have the energy to do so.
It's a though week...time to smoke one even if it's not even 08 am... I hate it that i'm so bad with this friendship thing...sigh...

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I went for a haircut this afternoon and the lady who helped me was very kind (and chatty lol).

When she asked me how i wanted it i told her to keep it as long as possible but make it nice.
And i also said immediately behind that i wanted to keep it 'more neutral'.
She went on proposing on how to do it and just started of course when i agreed.
And she even showed how i could wear it and told me i would still be able to wear it in a pony tail or a bun without a beat or judgement while chatting about everything. 
And i'm really glad my hair wasn't too messed up and only had to cut a short bit to get rid of the split ends.

I know it's just a small thing to do but for me it was another step to go back to my real self and it felt nice.
Oh and someone gave me the tip to use the term 'more neutral' at the hairdresser.
At least at my place she understood immediately what i meant with that and didn't have to use the term 'androgynous' to get a more female hairstyle (but not overdone (for now... :))).
Just a small thing i wanted to share.. It made me happy.

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  • Forum Moderator

@TiredAndScared I'm happy for you - getting the hair right will make you feel wonderful and to have a supportive hairdresser is wonderful as well. 

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My hairdresser has a lot to learn. He needs to change his habits, his style. He will. He's quite supportive. It's a work in progress. (I cut my own hair.)

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@Shay @Davie
Thanks and yea it's a nice feeling just to do my thing without worrying about it.
(And my hair feels so soft now \o/ )
 actually though of cutting my own hair but i'm just to clumsy to do those kind of things.

***

A new day and im happy.

I dont have much time to write a lot now but there is a thing i did want to mention already.

That person i talked about yesterday.... Yea it seems like i was overthinking everything again as per usual...
She was fine with talking to me and we actually did already this morning for a while.
i feel relieved about that as somehow i can talk about nearly everything with her...
she also told me that she had the same thing about talking to me.
In any case i dont have much time anymore for now so ill write later today or perhaps tomorrow.
Still have to do stuff for the funeral of my dad so i wont have much time ofc.

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@TiredAndScared that's great you had a positive experience with the hairdresser and are much happier with your hair. 

 

What do you mean about judging what to do in a friendship? 

 

My observation, not knowing you irl and only reading what you've written / not hearing you speak: You share well. You seem approachable and disarming. You seem interested in lots of things and open minded. You seem sensitive and thoughtful. Therefore, it seems you'd be able to find common ground with a variety of other people. Often in an interpersonal relationship, the difficulty lies in lack of self-confidence which makes us doubt and second guess everything we do or say. For some people, friendliness does not come naturally, but I believe it's a skill that can be learned and practiced until eventually it comes naturally. That was my experience, anyway, so I know the possibility exists. A wise friend once advised me when I was freaking out, worrying something I said to someone would be taken the wrong way, to the point I feared I'd unwittingly hurt them. She asked me how I felt in the moment I said the thing. I told her I meant it from the heart with love. She said, then that's the truth; anything else you think about it after the fact is a fabrication of the mind and not true. I remind myself of that very often and try to stay present. 

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Hi @Vidanjali

the difficulty lies in lack of self-confidence which makes us doubt and second guess everything we do or say "
"worrying something I said to someone would be taken the wrong way, to the point I feared I'd unwittingly hurt them
."

That kinda describes me exactly. 
It's just that i always have been in service providing professions. So yea all those things you mentioned earlier i have indeed learned.  But i dont know how to use it outside a work environment..
Tried but failed. Not really something new in the end tbh.
Anyways your advice is really sound and yea i actually use it for myself if i want to do things for myself to see if im really ok with it.
But when it comes to others i just get confused on what to do and forget things.
I know its supposed to be life and nobody really know how to communicate with others....
But that second-guessing yourself has become second nature and is really hard to avoid.

I try... it's all i can do i suppose... i just soooo dislike the idea to hurt others that i get very nervous on he moment i think i did.
sigh... Whatever,  in the end i still have to confront myself with this and not make any excuses.
It's so easy to get caught up in memories and fantasies, so much so that the present gets clouded and confusing...
In any case, thanks for your advice of course. 

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi everyone,

It has been a while since i wrote here. Lets see... About 11 days or so.
Had some good days and some bad days in that period.

So my dad ha been cremated and everything is done and arranged. The ceremony was beautiful and hard to sit trough.
We almost didn't have flowers because the stupid florist forgot to write down a time for when they were supposed to be delivered. But in the end we could get a hold on him and he was there just in a nick of time before everything stared.

So now also some positive things...
I have talked to different people in that time like my social worker, gp, lgbt groups, endo dep. on different hospitals.
Got rejected from a clinic that is the only one that works on an informed consent base style in my country.
But they are willing to assist my GP if she is willing to help me with HRT.
So i have emailed a proposal about this to my GP last week.
In my mail i stayed rational but clearly expressing my wishes and informed her about my need to get this done rather sooner then later. And also suggested some ways to keep both my gp and me at ease with everything is she decides to do it.

She called me back on Monday afternoon and took her time to talk with me and discuss everything i had asked in the mail.

In short.... yes she read the complete letter and is also willing to help me with it (And everything else that i asked).  \o/ Heck yea!!!!


But i also had to agree to some things with her because i will be her first one to help me with this.
Stuff like, that she first want to read up about it and talk to some colleagues before she will do anything.
And that i keep talking to my Social worker every week until i get a gender therapist.
I mean....  It will take perhaps a few weeks before i will get on HRT but...  It's in my village and with someone that knows me as a person. And i don't have to wait for nearly 2 or 3 years if i go on the established path that is paved with cis gatekeepers.

She mentioned that, if i wasn't so rational and understanding about the whole situation, she would have never even considered it.
I mean... i also thought about how it would be for her (My gp) and left plenty of space for her to consider everything and also room to back out of it completely without any awkwardness. 

You know....  with how the conversation went and with everything that was discussed ....
There is a small possibility that a new route to HRT will be set up in this area... 
And even tho nothing has happened yet...  That thought made me already a little proud.

That was the biggest thing for me that is related to transitioning that happened this time.
For the rest i did also some small stuff like experimenting with nail hardener (my nails look beautiful now !).
Oh i also had a broken nail and i went to the shop and asked the lady if they have anything for that to repair it..
( They didn't :( )
Tried to train my voice on a daily basis... (frigging hard to do)
Oh....  and got me some normal female underwear for the first time...  from a store...  (Soooo  comfy to wear !)
But tbh i was very nervous to get it and it involved me circling about 3 times the store before i had the courage to get it... and then almost dashed to the self checkout lol.

That were the most positive things.
But there were also some bad days in it.
Insecurity, uncertainty, i mean.... i also had a moment i had a full dysphoria moment on the street when i have never had it like that in the past.  It was only for a few seconds but that was ...  well.. i guess i dont have to explain much...

And i also remembered something that i had nearly forgotten.
I should never ever ever ever in my life give advice or express my opinion to people who i try to talk to.
I always seem to hurt them somehow in such a way that they don't want to interact with me anymore.
I don't want for it to happen.... but i'm just too clumsy and stupid to understand situations and make wrong decisions on how to react or what to do...  or if i'm supposed to do anything.
It has been like this for as long as i can remember...   people stopping interacting with me...
sigh..
i should simply stop trying to make any friends..,, i only seem capable of hurting them.
I F'ing hate it...   i don't want it to be like this....
But...  hurting other weights more heavy on my heart so its best to break any contacts before i do something stupid again as always.

Anyhow...
Lets end this with something a bit more positive...
i think i can get voice lessons and hair removal started next week.
I discussed it with my GP and she would prepare the referrals for that.
That is something to look forward too.... i sooo hate shaving... it hurts and its ugly....


 

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3 hours ago, TiredAndScared said:

But tbh i was very nervous to get it and it involved me circling about 3 times the store before i had the courage to get it... and then almost dashed to the self checkout lol.

Heh, heh.   Been there myself.   You'll get better at it.

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  • Forum Moderator

It certainly sounds as if things are moving along well for you.  The fear at the lingerie store is something i knew well.  I was also afraid to leave the house as myself.  Each time i did my confidence grew a tiny bit so today it is no longer an issue.  Getting over our fears, whether about our presentation or how we relate to others, is something that small steps can get us past.  

Thank you for sharing here.  I know that has helped me and i hope it will help you.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Hi @Jandi and @Charlize,

Well some things go better than others but small steps is indeed very helpful.
Nearly every day i try either something new or reinforce something i already do just to get rid of my old habits.
Sometimes i feel good, sometimes i feel bad,... but im getting more comfortable with doing certain things.... but yea.. slowly 

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@TiredAndScared That is the right attitude. All of us have bad days - it's part of being human - but learning from them and taking small steps every day will win out.

Hugs,

Heather Shay

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It's already a week again.

Today its a rather sunny day here where i live.
But tbh i have not been outside yet.  Idk... Sometimes i just don't feel like going out.
My mom is doing fine btw. Feeling less pain every day and in a week the cast will be renewed.

She will get the stuff where you can walk on it for a bit.  

I have done some clothes shopping again yesterday. 
It was easier this time  and i also kinda pretended i was looking for someone else.
And it helped for my own mindset ... for a while lol.... still need to get used to it, but i suppose it will take some time.

The things i got were both euphoric and dysphoric...
I guess i learned that i should watch out with certain types of clothing even tho i would love to wear it just normally.


It is weird....
The more i do things for myself that i want to do... the more the dysphoric feelings seem to pop up.
Somehow it feels.... normal? that it happens?..... I'm... not sure why i feel like that.
Anyhow, it was an intense experience.
Not sure if i go clothes shopping anytime soon.

Let's  see...  oh i messed up my diet a bit so i kinda stayed the same weight the last week  (around 92 kg.)
I checked my BMI with some national institute over here and i still have a long way to go. 
According to them i still need to lose another 20 kg...  (and i already lost about 10)
(Also a good reason to not to buy to much clothes rn now i think about it.)

And how is everything going with me and my journey?
Well it's going in the right direction. Doing the things that i want. (Step by step)
And my GP and social worker are helping me with a lot of things.

But a small unfortunate thing is going on atm and that is that they are both on a vacation.
The holidays over here are always planned in the summer. That is how nearly the whole country does it.
So yea i can't stop or avoid that so now i have to wait until the 7th before my social worker is back and the 20th until my GP is back.

But they already putting effort into everything...
Gp is reading up and consulting colleagues and put in callback requests for information. (Remember vacation period)
My social worker is contacting some specialists/therapists to see if she can get me into contact with one quickly. 
(It seems that she does have some contacts going around for that but not necessarily gender specific so im not sure how that is going to work. But at least its something and perhaps her contacts know some one else with short waiting lists.)

So yea....
For now its a waiting game for a while...
Just doing my exercises, diet and cleaning up a bit.
Mindless trying to distract myself...

I feel like crap tbh....   
I'm still thinking about that whole friendship thing i wrote about last time...

*sigh*
Perhaps it's just an illusion... a fake construct to make us feel good about ourselves.
Now i think about it, i suppose i'm right.
Everyone else just abused me in the past physically and/or mentally...


Because of that i also stopped talking on discord recently.
I mean, I still haven't made up my mind if i should keep trying making new friends or just give up on it.
Why try to grab for something elusive that will only make me feel terrible in the end?
And by my own hands no less?
Ah forget it.... I have had no friends for a long time and i guess i can still keep it up for a while.

Anyhow...
Lets go over something else.
Recently i'm contemplating of shaving my chest/torso or perhaps use those wax strips.
I have no experience and internet is also a bit confusing tbh.
Would there be anybody willing to share their experience or perhaps share a link to some decent information about it?
Perhaps some general info as i'm living in the EU and most likely dont have any US brands here available.

 


 


 

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@TiredAndScared first. Congratulate yourself you are doing amazingly well. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't going faster. I think you have found two wonderful allies in your GP and social worker. It is obvious they care and are going out of their way to help. Those are true friends in a professional way. 

 

As far as friends I have found wonderful and real friends here on TP and that is truly refreshing and I am grateful. Continue posting here and I think you'll find friends. I am certainly here whenever you need me.

 

I had no luck with wax strips so I gave up there. I shave and save up and get electrolysis whenever I can.

 

Again I'm proud of your progress and proud of you.

 

Hugs

Heatger

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I just shave.  

 It's not a permanent solution, but my furry boobettes bother me.

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I just wanted to comment on the dysphoria popping up when you do things for yourself that you want to do. That can be very confusing because you'd think doing things you want to do would allow you to feel free and even to experience euphoria. But considering that you're still dealing with accepting yourself and still feeling out allowing yourself to do those things, it does make sense that there would be some emotional dissonance. I've experienced this myself and I'm sure others have too. For instance, I recently went shopping for men's shoes by myself. I'd done so with my supportive husband a couple times prior to that and it was fun. But when I went by myself I felt rather self conscious and worried about how I looked and how I was being perceived by the other shoppers and worried I was bothering the men (I don't identify as a man, just as masculine to some degree, but really nonbinary) in the section. So, it felt more like a mission rather than a pleasure. But, in the past I would really feel messed up in my head pretty much all the time regardless of whether I was presenting how I felt or not. Comparing how I used to feel to how I felt on the recent shopping trip I described, I can see how much I've grown. So, as @Shay said don't beat yourself up - there's no perfect pace at which you "should" be going. Just try to care for yourself in little moments. It really does take practice. 

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@Shay @Jandi @Vidanjali
Thank you for your tips and kind words of support.
I still try to do small things every day.

***

So the last couple of days have been a bit weird for me.
Nothing really happened but i just had a weird melancholic mood in general for a few days.
And i also noticed something that i do/did in that time.

Somehow, i was sort of testing myself?
What i mean is that  actually challenged my negative views on anything and everything.
I compared those negative feelings with the thought of becoming a woman..

Every time those negative feelings vanished...
Simply overwhelmed by the euphoric thoughts of seeing myself of how i want to be.
And every time i had this a new negative thought popped up...
This went on for a few days... just some sort of cycle almost.

Anyhow.... I still have some somber mood but it is getting better.
I realized one thing and that is that i want to go on whatever happens.
The euphoric feelings i get when i picture myself completely female comes from the core of my being while i never had that when looking in the mirror or thinking about myself  in a masculine way.
And that thought came after i listed everything for myself that i would have to go through to get where i want to be.
I mean everything from health risks to social issues and things like feeling dysphoric while being on hrt and have an uneven body growth. I mean all sorts of thoughts passed by.
I don't know how others do things to justify their actions for themselves but this is how it works for me.
And that is good enough.

It was not all bad the last days tho.
I'm busy with preparing a room in my home for all my female stuff for now.
Mostly its just cleaning and putting things away in the attic and sort out old clothes.
I cant believe how much stuff i have that is just busted and have holes in them -.- 

And yesterday i had a nice euphoric moment when i came back home and walked to my front door.
I have frosted glass in my door and it still reflects your outline and a bit of color but not too much detail.
The silhouette and everything i saw when walking to the door made me stop for a moment...
"I can do this"    was my thought with a smile.
When i stepped in my front door i realized that i actually stopped breathing from the moment when i saw myself lol.

Oh i also started to read up on how to do makeup and stuff.
Only to realize that i kinda have an issue with that for now... I mean... 
Well, i never brought it up because i simply also forget it myself sometimes.
But i'm nearly blind with my right eye.  
Normally that isn't an issue because i have it since i was young due to an accident.
And i have a normal drivers licence and everything.
I'm wondering how i can do my eyeliner and such if i get to that point.
And then i realized...

Forget about makeup....
I don't even know how to take care of my skin properly!
Cleaning, hydrating, strips to remove dirt and stuff...
A whole new thing opened up right there... And i cant wait to start trying and testing.
And i suppose it's better to first learn how to proper take care of my skin before i start with things like makeup.
Somehow i actually had a flask of facial cleaning stuff (for men) and i went to use it yesterday.
I shower every day and wash myself but still got dirt off my face after using that stuff 🤨
So yea..  i guess that will be my next thing to make it into a daily routine.


Anyhow, there is so much to learn that i'm sorting my favorites in all kinds of maps now lol.
Slowly reading up on things and try things as i go.

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@TiredAndScared you are making excellent progress. My therapist has been working with me on Acceptance Commitment Therapy and you are doing?exactly that. You aren't letting negative thoughts (the dictator within) dominate you. That will go a long way to becoming the you you want to be.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all, 

@Shay Well tbh,  negative thoughts are still going around and dominate from time to time.
Its just ... i guess i try to give them a place and/ or closure if i can identify where it's coming from or what is causing it?
Not sure how to explain it. 


***

Anyways time waits for no one as they say...
Already more than a week has passed and some things have happened.

Nothing big tho, just some small things. 
Started to pain my nails on both hands... I only did it on my left hand for a while to see if anyone would react to it.
And nobody did so i just went on ans did the other hand.
Only just a clear nail hardener but it makes them so nice and shiny and healthy looking. 😊
And i have let them grow longer.

I never realized why other ladies grabbed things in a certain way with their fingers.  But now i do..
Even something as common as a zipper i needed to figure out how to hold it naturally without damaging my nails.
It comes more naturally now with how i move my hands but small things like this makes me realize that i still have a lot ahead of me.

For the rest i got me a makeup mirror for a few euros. Just a simple one for general use.
I'm not doing makeup for now but i also bought some facial cleaning products and things like that.
So it helps with that.... 

Hmm i do have a bigger thing to tell now i think about it.
Actually, i just came back from my social worker and she made an appointment with a therapist in about 3 weeks.
On one hand i'm scared and on the other i'm also excited...
Or perhaps better said... Scared for the process but excited for the end results.
I'm not sure what will happen from now on but at least something is happening i suppose?

Not much else has happened. Cleaned up my home and finally bought a proper shoe rack for in my (tiny) front hall.
And also dumped all stuff and shoes that were either broken or something i will never ware again.

I have some plans to get more things for myself... not clothing but other things to take care of my body.
Or... well... perhaps some clothing...  >.>


 

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Kara, It's wonderful you're able to process the negative thoughts & let them go. Mine especially concerning transition were based on fear. In a book I'm reading the author suggested meeting with them on a routine basis, not just whenever they show up. I did this for a few months and as you said gave them space on my terms, & eventually found that they were not valid or significant enough to hold on to.

 

The nuances of being feminine are many. Being more aware as I learn them, I see my granddaughters developing them as they grow.

 

So happy for you having an appointment with a therapist. Seeing one has been helpful for me.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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@Delcina B 
I suppose it depends on the person. I mean i recognize my memories and understand i can't change them.
But it affects me tremendously with connections/bonds with others and let me sometimes react in a way i don't want.
Anyhow. I have kinda explained what it means for me in what i wrote today.

 

***

Good morning everyone,

The summer comes to an end and the days are getting shorter and colder.
I like the autumn. I live near forests and the vivid red and orange and yellow colors and mushrooms are so beautiful to see.
And it also gets nice and quiet in the forest around that period.

And im finally able to wear some decent clothes again...
I broke trough my diet 'plateau'.
You know.... the point where you don't seem to lose any weight no matter what you do?
And i finally got below the 90Kg ... oh wait mostly Americans over here.... uhm google says around 196 pounds.
Goal is between 155 and 165 ponds to be bang in the middle of "being healthy" according to the statistics in my country.
Perhaps i will reach that or perhaps not.. i don't know.
For me it's also a matter of "looking healthy and good" and not too skinny.
(I notice that dieting is a major focus atm and i dont want it to turn into something like unhealthy eating habits.)

Anyhow...
losing weight also gives another (slight) plus in my current life.
I never have thrown away my old clothes unless they were completely broken since forever.
So i went on a cleaning and fitting frenzy yesterday.
Completely  reviewing my current wardrobe.

Conclusion: I have been a brick... saving so much broken clothes and ugly stuff.
And surprise surprise...my wardrobe mostly has dysphoria clothes.
Did not realized that one until recently .... I always thought it was simply my taste and not something compulsive.
But it doesn't matter. I'm on the verge of throwing out at least 50% of everything.
I still have to do some more fitting and stuff today and then everything that is still ok will be bagged and dropped of to charity.

I kinda wish they have like a transgender bazaar/market here.
Some place where transman and woman can drop their clothes from their old lives and simply swap for something you like now. I know some countries that have that but i cant find something like it in my country unfortunately.

Finally i have some good and decent clothes again...
Even if it is only for a while and they are male (sob)
I really want to get some nice skirts.... ha... i recall something about that a few years back when i was still working.
Summer in the office and bad ac.  But everyone had to come in dressed normally.
Later i asked management what objections they would have against a kilt... i mean the girls are also allowed to wear skirts right? (Double lol, some guy with Scottish roots agreed with me hahaha)
Never did it unfortunately but i was genuinely talking about it on the work floor lol.

Anyhow... Finally got me some nice and decent pants again and can ditch the sweatpants.
I still have a stacks of pant that are just to small... but that would be my next goal i suppose.
If i fit those; i'm around the same posture when i was in my early 20ies.
Now i have the body of my late 20ies i guess.
I suppose i never have described myself completely but only bits and pieces.

1.85 M ( almost 6,1" )
89 Kg  (196 pounds)
And well... yea i guess this is bragging a bit but when i was in my teens i was really fit.
I mean, doing gymnastics on a regional competition level fit were i once became 3rd place.
So yea... i suppose i still have something left from that because i kinda have a hourglass shape right now.
Still fat with some decent love handles but i can see it.
And my hips are wide... basically the same as my shoulders but my waist is 'thinner'.
So yea... i'm getting more comfortable with my body ... shape wise..... for a part....

Ok enough yapping about that.
Basically i'm happy with how my diet progress goes and the benefits it gives me.
It gives me the feeling i'm doing something about my body while waiting on HRT.
And it goes slow.... but i see that as a pre-training for myself i guess
I mean... HRT will only show some decent progress after about 2 years or so.

So i need to build some patience with that or else i will go insane i think.
And this weight loss lifestyle is a good situation to force my willpower...  i mean i nearly do groceries on a daily basis and see every yummy thing laying there...

Oh i called the gp for my vitamin levels and everything was "perfectly fine".
So yay... i'm mostly healthy now apart from the overweight.
According to the heart and decease center in my country my stats are just on the border of risky and healthy.
And i want to be bang in the middle of being healthy on that one.
I mean... i also want to do this to show how much i want this, towards my GP.

I have told about her before and the situation in my country about not having informed consent for transitioning.
And that she is willing to try it but i would be her 1st one to do that and she is willing to put in the time and effort to learn about it.
So even tho i do everything for myself eventually, i kinda feel i also have to show my commitment to this to the people who are willing to help me.

Btw it's not that i feel forced to do that or that i feel i "have to" because im now in this and "can't stop" anymore.
I know i can stop at any time if i wish to do so.
But, i don't want to stop.  I'm scared yes... but only for the process and how much time it will take.
If i think about the end result i can only get emotional with a semi dumb looking grin on my face and feel happy.

Ok so that were the most positive things that have happened but the medal always has 2 sides unfortunately.
 
I have told about my difficulties with human connections and interactions.
And the recent failure of becoming a friend with someone on discord struck me rather deeply.
I even got confused about it on how i felt about that person and different thoughts passed in my mind.
No, i have not told her about anything about that because i didn't understand myself about those feelings.

In the end i have looked around in the last few weeks on internet and ended up chatting to someone from a ptsd institute here in my country. I mean... a lot of those symptoms on their website actually fitted in my situation.
So yea... that's also going on...  F'ing great..... as i don't have enough going already.....sigh..

I suppose it's good that i do something about it or at least recognize it.
The only thing... i fear that it will come in my way of getting HRT more quickly if i mention it to that psychiatrist.
So i don't know what i'm going to do or say there besides transitioning...

But on the other hand i already thought deeply about it as quite a few symptoms also overlap with 'feeling transgender'.
And i realized that already quite a few things happened when i was little before every bad hing happened.
And i mean yea... the makeup... clothing.. more comfortable to play with girls than with boys etc.
So i shouldn't feel scared for it i suppose.....  But ..... argh.... i just don't know if i should bring it up.

Anyhow... 
i'm going to stop as i still have some more fitting to do and clothes to sort and completely rearranging my wardrobe basically lol.

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  • Posts

    • AgnesBardsie
      Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It is very helpful!
    • stveee
      I want to feel cute but comfy, so it's either nightshirts/nightgowns lounging around the house, or an off the shoulder top or crop top really makes me feel girly. 
    • stveee
      Hi, my name is Stevie. I started "crossdressing" in early teens, maybe before, by cutting up my clothing. My parents would find piles of them and who knows what they thought. But I just had to do it. Then when I was 16 was the first time I tried on my older sister's tops.    My father suggested I join the Army after high school. I did and would buy clothes for my girlfriends and end up wearing them. I would engage in intimacy but stopped short of sex. I felt like my genitalia was not connected to my mind and felt no pleasure through it.    While in the military I took to binge drinking and severe depression ensued. By the time of discharge, I was suicidal, had several attempts and detoxes. I was admitted into the VA hospital and the first two meds made me numb and psychosis developed. Then, I genuinely tried to take my own life. Finally, a few years later, put on disability and took prozac for around 12 years which helped a bit. I met my first transgender (older transitioned MtF) persons in the VA and basically brought up the idea: why can't I be somewhere in the middle gender? Answer I got was basically Honey, that's not how it works. So facing a transition to female, I think I was 28 at the time, seemed like what I had to do. Or at least, try to live as much female as possible. I ended up marrying because I was lonely and afraid I could not support myself, and she accepted my gender ID and crossdressing. But I was seeing no therapist, no hormones. Started electrolysis in this DIY attempt, and some kind of facial hormone cream which I didn't realize was all short-sighted. Early internet days, shoddy information, sketchy sites.  The marriage was a disaster as there was abuse, drugs, alcohol and our individual psychological issues. Finally was separated, on my own and basically just existing. Using substances to cope. Dead to the world. Continued to keep a wardrobe and just managing the "dual life".  Went through Vocational Rehab in a janitorial program to get back into work. Exterted myself and got the job I have today and making more than I ever did. A few years, tossed my wardrobe (again)...oh, except a few things of course, and thinking the dysphoria will just go away now that I am older. Nope.   Currrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. Accumulating another wardrobe. Really regret tossing my shoes and I had some really cool things. I have the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl in there, buried under years of self-abuse. The fluidity is a bit precarious as the more I accept and go femme, the more alive I feel, like something is unfolding.  But I am still quite boyish and discovering what fits for me right now and the my physical limitations and working with them I guess as I am not just confined to the closet and want to be seen for who I am...which is a work in progress I suppose. There are still things about me that I very much like and don't want to change, and others which seem to cause conflict.  I get some comfort in realizing I do not necessarily have to be either one or the other gender right now, and it's more about how I feel about myself than passing or trying to live up to an ideal image. But sort of feel like a small minority as someone who has not gone through all the changes (yet?) of the transitioned, as I am still outing myself in small steps, in a small circle. I am naturally careful, but honest. I do not fear being hurt so much "out there", as I know from experience I am my own worst enemy and cause my own difficulties more than anyone could ever do.  Thank you for letting me share. I actually hope this has helped someone else who is lurking. After all, "Normal People" don't go years struggling with questioning their gender- we are all Trans here and in different chapters of the same story.  Love you All, S.
    • Vince94
      Hey, everyone! I'm on low dose T now for about 7 months, I use Testogel and, except for a few more whiskers and other very little changes, there hasn't really happened anything yet. I don't wanna say I'm not happy with what has changed but I really wish for a little more, especially after that time. My dose is really low, now I want to take twice as much and hope to get closer to my goal during the next months. But there are two things I'm a little worried about so I thought maybe someone here could help me! About two or three months after I've started HRT, I noticed that I'm losing much more hair than before. It still looks totally okay but there IS a difference. Do you think I will lose even more when I increase the dose? I mean, if that's the case I will accept it. Before I started HRT I was waaay more worried about that. Now it's not that much of a problem for me anymore but it would still be nice to know what to expect. :'D And the second thing (which I'm more afraid of): I've read that transmen on Testosterone have to have their internal female parts removed (uterus and ovaries, as far as I know) because else the risk will be higher to develop cancer. I don't know if that's true and if yes, how quickly I have to do that to prevent anything! I'm afraid I'll have less time to undergo that treatment when I increase my dose, and I don't know when I'll be ready for that. (It's not that I want to keep those parts, I just have a problem with hospitals and suffer from panic attacks when it comes to certain check ups or medical treatments...) And another question that's just coming to my mind: Will the removal of those parts have any other effects on my physical and mental health?   I want to talk with my gynaecologist about all that anyway but I'd still like to hear some opinions/experiences from other transmen (or non-binary persons on T or others who know more than I do)! I don't know how much my gynaecologist knows about the whole topic, and unfortunately, I can't talk with my endocrinologist about it because she probably can't tell me ANYTHING. I don't wanna sound mean but she's really not competent, and I'm not the only one who noticed that. Everytime I was there, I've had bad experiences. She gave me wrong information. Not to mention the assistants. But she's the only endocrinologist within my reach so I don't have much of a choice.   So, I hope someone here can share their knowledge/experiences with me; I'd be grateful for any answer!
    • Vince94
      (Nevermind, I think I've found the right place to post it!)
    • Vince94
      Hello, Carolyn, thank you for your kind words! I've actually found the answer to my question (regarding the profile-pic) about a minute before I've seen your reply, haha. But thanks! I guess I'll wait then. My question is about effects of testosterone when I increase my dose. Do you have any suggestions where to post it?
    • Carolyn Marie
      Welcome to Trans Pulse, Vincent.  It's nice to meet you.  We don't have many members from Germany so a special welcome to you!  I visited there a few years ago (river cruise) and I loved the towns and the people.   You can find the answer to your question HERE.  Just remember that you need to have a few posts under your belt first, and your pic needs to be of a small enough pixel size.   Please look around and post whatever questions you have (you didn't mention yet the question that brought you here).  We'll do our very best to answer them.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • Carolyn Marie
    • Vince94
      Hello everyone! I'm Vincent, 27, FTM and from Germany. I can't really classify myself as one thing, I identify as both genderqueer (sometimes feeling a little more feminine, sometimes more non-binary but most of the time way more masculine) and transgender and my goal is not to be mistaken for a woman anymore.  I must admit, I only signed up here to post a question I originally posted on another website. I didn't get any answers there so I hoped I'd have more luck in a transgender-forum and googled 'FTM Forum', and then I found this. 😂 But now that I'm here, maybe I'll have some nice conversations and get to know cool people, haha.   (Btw, can someone tell me how to change my profile-pic? I didn't find the option/button yet. 🤔
    • Teri Anne
      Gosh I wish there was a like button. Everyone looks fab.  
    • stveee
      To "decide" to start HRT would suggest you had some kind of dysphoria.  I agree, dyphoria is much more than a dissonance between my mind or Self identity and it's container. It's my Self's relation to both outer (and inner) environment. Sometimes it's very subtle, sometimes glaring. 
    • Kelly2509
      I haven't seen significant changes and I've been on HRT for 9 months with decent Estrogen and testosterone levels since May.  If patches were used, my guess is the doc started with very low doses which means much slower results.  My doc advised me against patches because they are generally low dose and for most transwomen he's dealt with who've gone that way they had to use multiple patches at a time to get the dosage needed.  Also my doctor said changes in body hair is approximately a 2 year process, assuming good hormone levels in the blood, so a few months to see results seems optimistic at best.  And of course facial hair isn't affected by HRT so there's that.   my advice would be if you haven't already to get her estrogen and testosterone levels checked and consult with the doc to see if she's in or near the target range.  I've been told by many that you can expect the entire first year to mostly just be the doc dialing in the proper dosage, so get the blood tests and work with the doc to make sure the proper adjustments are made.  Then I would advise patience, which is probably the hardest part of transition in my opinion.
    • Carolyn Marie
      Jazz-Per, why don't you try using our Resource Locator, found Here?  It is not a definitive source, so you can also try through LGBT centers or the state's professional associations for licensed therapists.  I wish you luck.   HUGS   Carolyn Marie
    • KathyLauren
      It is very common to start transition for some reasons that don't include body parts, and then to become aware of one's dissatisfaction with their body parts later in the process.  That was certainly the case for me.   I know a lot of people reserve the word "dysphoria" for dissatisfaction with body parts, but I think it applies to other areas of life.  Social dysphoria is very common, possibly more common than body dysphoria.  To be honest, I cannot see someone starting transition, including HRT, unless they were experiencing some kind of (what I would call) dysphoria.   In my case, I experienced strong social dysphoria.  I could not stand relating to others as a male and wanted to relate to them as a female.  On that basis, I started HRT and transitioned socially shortly thereafter.  Well after that process started, I became more aware of my body dysphoria and set the process in motion to do something about that.  That is a very common path.   However, I am not going to tell you how to describe your experience.  If you prefer to reserve the word dysphoria for dissatisfaction with your body, then yes, what you describe is very common.  It doesn't indicate a mistake.  It just indicates a difference in terminology.  
    • Jandi
      Looks like beautiful country.     Went uptown to see the Chalk Fest.  They do it every year on the sidewalks around the court square.     Just wore some of my go-to things
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