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Locked down.


TiredAndScared

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Hi all,
This is my first submission here and basically the 3rd poem i wrote ever in my life.
And this is even in a foreign language for me so yea it's probably bad.
Please don't mind spelling mistakes or weird use of grammar and punctuations. 
I write as if i speak out loud to someone with lots of intonations.
That results in the way how i use written language to express myself in the way i do.

Alright enough of that banter. 
 

 

Locked down.

 

Locked down. A solid mind.
Isolated, lonely, blacks and grays... nothing solid to find.


Desperately protecting the walls, without any feelings.
No, i don't want anyone anymore here. No more other beings.

 

It feels safe here, with my own thoughts and peace.
The quietness, the darkness... it is a release.

 

Days and years go by slowly without anything interesting to do or see.
But... at one point.... a vague shimmering of light....is....is that for me?

 

A long forgotten feeling, unknown what to do.
Desperately clutching it, holding it. Simply thinking: "i want also some happiness too...".

 

The darkness protects... But it's a lonely safety, no one should be here.
I love and hate it. But i slowly pay attention to that shimmering of light that i seem to hold so dear.

 

Examining it, holding it, caressing it. It's a new and old sensation?
Something that just went on a long vacation?

 

It is scary to examine and rejecting your old ways.
Crying, laughing, hating, processing everything about those days.

 

Who am i? What am i? Am i allowed to be how i want to be?
What will the people say and think, will they let me....be me?

 

Still locked down i see...
When will i let me... be me?

 

As i look at that warm shimmering of light, the road i want to follow.
And i think to myself: "Do you still want to alive and dead at the same time?... something that hollow?"

 

Slowly i stand up and the shimmering light begins to shine a bit more.
Bit by bit letting the darkness Withdrawing deeper in my core.

 

Stretching my back looking up ahead and i see a long and windy road to walk.
Scared, lonely... Looking for others on the same road to just talk.

 

I get courage, firming my resolve.

 

Locked down.
On that path... determined... to evolve.

 

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Kara, This is a beautiful poem, it captures the bottomless pits we become trapped in on life's path & a glimpse of hope at the end if only we dare. There have been two such points in my life: the first when alcohol was no longer my friend but my master, then later when I could no longer live & remain hating myself thinking my transgenderness was vile & wicked, because society told me so. Breaking the chains of both were scary & not easy, but today I accept me & love me for who I am.

 

Thank you!

Hugs!

Delcina

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Hi @Delcina B,
Thank you for your kind thoughts and insights.
I .. just wrote it as it came to me and it resonates rather deeply with my thoughts and feelings.
I know i'm not a writer or poet or anything. It's not even my own language... just wrote down what came up.
But your kindness made me smile and i thank you for that.

Kara.

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I love this, Kara. It describes very much how I have been feeling the last year (nothing to do with the pandemic - just how I've been living). Beautifully written.

 

Ariel

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  • 2 weeks later...

 

Dispossessed

 

I lost my inner sister.
Some kind of closet
of my father hid her
from the world and
I refused to let her
dress the part.

 

Well pressed, she
listens for a key in
the lock, smooths
every wrinkle.
Shoulders back,
she steps through
the mirror,
ready.

 


            8-1-21  

 

 

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Davie.  That is beautiful.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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@Davie -- compelling and vivid imagery that is wrestling with the title, "Dispossessed", to transform it to "Repossessing" and, ultimately, "Repossessed".

 

(By the way, I wouldn't hesitate to share that with your gender therapist.  It speaks volumes, elegantly.)

 

Astrid

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@Davie Wonderful poem! It is so biopic, as others have said the images jumped out at me as I read it. I'm so happy she is free!

 

Thank you,

Delcina

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Burden Down


I am here to carry you,
Father, I’m here to hold
the shame of you.
Your pain won’t weigh
me down at all—I’m
almost five years old.


I feel your war
but its burdens
are ripe for burial,
and scapegoats
are not allowed
into graveyards
like yours.

 

So be warned:
seventy years
is long enough
to carry what
I do not own.

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