Need help with pronouns

[Mamamia]

Hi everyone!

 

Curious if you have advice on if it is offensive or a microagression if I declare my  pronouns as “she/they”?

 

I am a woman in their 40s that comes across cis gender and am married to a cis gender male. As a kid, I was very much a Tom boy and grew into more of a cis female exterior although I am probably gender fluid. (I think?)

 

 

Asking your advice because “she/they” feels authentic to me and also feel most would expect me to list “she/her”. However, I am seeking opinions here if it’s offensive for me to put “she/they”?

 

My experience is when I use “she/they” I feel empowered yet a bit uncomfortable because I am not sure if I am offending someone since on the surface am a cis female.  When I put “she/her,” I feel unauthentic yet good that I am using a pronoun. When I don’t use a pronoun, I feel authentic because I am not using a pronoun yet letting the community down and not coming across as an ally because pronouns do matter.

 

My first goal is not to offend anyone in the trans or gender diverse community. Secondarily, I also want to be authentic.

 

I like the idea about listing my pronouns because it shows solidarity yet not sure what to put down.

 

Perhaps there is a new pronoun I am not aware of that fits me better?

 

Thank you!

 

Mama Mia 

[Jackie C.]

Nah, you're good. You might have trouble with people remembering it because it's unusual, but if it feels right to you, it's correct.

 

Oh, and this is your first post, so welcome to Transpulse @Mamamia! Lovely to meet you.

 

Hugs!

[Desert Fox]

I also identify as she/them (except when presenting male, and the body was assigned male). So, yeah...seems fine to me.

 

Personally, I think people have the right to go by whatever pronouns they want to, and other people should respect that. However, you may feel the need to explain to certain people to help them understand why you choose your pronouns, and others, it's not worth trying to explain because they still won't be respectful. While I don't like being misgendered, I understand things aren't always clear and I make mistakes with others too, so I don't take offense if they use the "wrong pronouns". If someone is deliberately and clearly using wrong pronouns as an intent to put you down....that's aggression.

 

It was the whole pronoun thing (and that it was supposed to be disclosed at work) that made me/us start thinking of what [our] gender identity really was. I've always had challenges with pronouns, and understanding why first cousins could be "twice removed" (did they do something wrong, lol?).

 

To me, "they" can be problematic to use because that could refer to my entire self as a collective (both male & female sides, or more than one/all of my personalities - being dissociative), or it could refer to "those other people" (meaning other than myself). "Us" could refer to my selves. plural, or myself/selves plus other external people. How confusing! (I guess that is why neo-pronouns were created?)

 

Personally, I only refer to myself in the plural sense, to those that either are familiar and accepting of multiplicity or non-binary people, because otherwise it leads to long awkward conversations, unless I'm in the mood for that. Otherwise, it'd be "he/him" when presenting in "male mode" (short hair, no makeup) or "she/her" in "female mode" (long wig + makeup usually).

 

And welcome MamaMia...it looks like we both joined this forum today!

[Vidanjali]

6 hours ago, Mamamia said:

"she/they” feels authentic to me

 

when I use “she/they” I feel empowered

 

When I put “she/her,” I feel unauthentic

 

I think it boils down to this ^^

 

Hi @Mamamia!  Welcome to transpulse. Many more people at my work are appending their email signatures and zoom names with pronouns. If pressed (and it's not unlikely I'll eventually be in a work situation in which I do feel pressed), I don't know what I'd do, but I think I might use she/they/her/them. I think I'd really like to put whatever/happens/to/strike/your/fancy. My personal thoughts about the former: As a nonbinary identifying person, she/her does not feel authentic for me. While they/them is better, I feel like my asking people for they/them imposes too much of a demand for them to immediately adapt to a new paradigm. Notice I said "my asking". If someone else asked me to use they/them for them, I would naturally and unquestionably honor it. Yet, I don't feel comfortable asking that for myself. More importantly, it takes people putting that demand to adapt to change out there for change to happen. I am very active in initiatives to enlighten culture in other ways, but being open as a conduit of change by asserting my preferred pronouns eludes me at present. It's something I reflect on. 

 

@Desert Fox welcome to you too! I was  dissociative for many years starting in childhood. At times it was dangerous (fugue states). I'm 46 now, and have done a lot of intense work to become better integrated. For me, it's a relief. I'm only recently contemplating/learning how that ties in with gender diversity. It's been most illuminating. 

[Mamamia]

Thank you so vey much for all your incredibly thoughtful responses. I so appreciate the warm welcome, your personal perspectives and examples.

 

I can’t thank you enough because you have given me confidence to be authentic!

 

You have given me such a much broader perspective and options including I can vary my pronouns by the setting or opt not to identify my pronouns in other settings.

 

In some settings I can see myself saying I /am / still / figuring /out /my / pronouns.

 

Thank you so much! I feel much lighter!