More Clothing Adventures and Boundary push. plus thoughts on hormones

[swallow]

Hi All,

 

Haven't been on for a while...

 

Have been continuing to push my clothing limits...

 

Went to the Art Show in LA in a Translucent black blouse with frills around collar and cuffs. Had a Black lace Bra under but felt maybe too daring for me so had a plain black crop sports top under and a black loose Paperback high waist palooza, Black Onassis sunglasses..then felt like I was going to a funeral.?

 

Tried a Green bottom but stuck with the black with a floral blue and Orange pair of flats and a gold chain necklace.

 

It was an art show opening so wanted to look the part.?

 

I think I did OK...had to scramble to find someone to go with since the invite also included a partner and my kids were less than disinterested.

 

I had planned to take an older friend's daughter who is an artist in Atwater Village but she decided in the end that it was too commercial. I suppose I need to make more single younger friends with more time on their hands to make impromptu decisions bc everyone I tried had plans or had partner considerations.?

 

My last resort was an Academic couple, lecturers. whoever responded to me first got the 'date'...and the wife having an interest in art jumped on it (I had gone for food with the husband the week before anyway separately so seemed fair)

 

I turned up to pick her up and she was in jeans...me dressed more towards the 9s...?

 

..but we had a grand time except the Air was freezing at the convention centre and she did not last long in her sleeveless top (being from the south of France)

 

I was happy to have her company bc I had come out to her husband but had not had a chance to chat with her. It made me feel double re-assured to walk the halls with another woman too.

 

And we were 'ladied' several times...although as per usual my voice soon ruined my 'illusion'.?

 

but a pleasant evening which we ended having late dinner at a Chinese restaurant (where I was finally 'sired' by the older Cantonese waitress albeit she was very attentive to us...I suspect she was trying to evesdrop on our conversation)?

 

Next day had to take my daughter to her concert with her girlfriends at the Hollywood Bowl.

 

Did the laundry in the morning so she could don her new Thrift shop find, a Green (synthetic shimmy fabric) evening gown and Michael Kors...for under $20?

 

So left to pick up everyone with her in my grey nit crop top and a pair of blue joggers which accentuate my hips well.?

 

Wasn't sure how the girls would react to her 'Dad' turning up in such obvious female attire but my daughter certainly did not object to it and we had a good conversation about her make up routine...the merits and downside of certain products... I guess that's some form of 'bonding'?

 

Took the girls to grab some dinner for them to bring along before the show (Vietnamese Sandwiches with Hollywood twist)

 

Then they wanted to get a drink to go along so made a stop at the Trader Joe's in Hollywood for something sparkly...I guess emboldened by general acceptance of the young 18 yr olds, I led the way like Mother Hen into the store.?

 

Wasn't quite sure how people would react.

 

but did not give it much thought this time which may in hindsight have been errant.

 

But I had to park the car and walk down, cross a road in front of traffic earlier to pick them up from the sandwich place and did not get any untoward looks or reactions so it was a boost to the fragile confidence and fears underneath my veneer of put on Bravado stomping the sidewalk...?

 

The Trader Joes was packed. I suppose its Hollywood maybe bc no one seem to bat an eyelid. Spoke to the store manager in my original voice about parking validation, no problems at all...

 

In the end the parking validation did not work at the gantry but the young man there seemed extra nice and helped me politely.

 

So all in all, dunno if I'm passing or people are being pleasant but a good two days interaction I'd say. I wonder how much of the fear is in my head

 

OTOH when I had dinner with my friend, I told her I seem to feel the need to push the boundaries. Its almost as if to find out if I could pass without going further and being on hormones.

 

She is a Biologist so we had a good conversation on that. I told her I felt blessed given what I have even if I would have preferred to be female.?

 

Having gone through my partner's cancer and passing, I did not want to look the gift horse of health. But even if I said I felt I was passing without the hormones, recent events in K-town with the Spa (even if I know it should not effect me) and overall just pangs of feeling the want to be more and more female hover me around whether to embark further with hormones.

 

I think if I can pass my voice next and if I have no issue being misgendered  in concert with looks, then maybe the need to go for hormones would subside somewhat.

 

As mentioned, I'm physically quite feminine as is but it never seems enough in ones head. Once you jump a hurdle, you find something-else that annoys you. ?

 

I don't exactly know what the young girls think. My daughter has not given me feedback and I'm reluctant to broach the subject. I believe I heard them commenting (rather loudly behind my back on way back to the car in the garage) that I was the new ...'Trans girl that they have as a friend from their school'...so perhaps that was their way of voicing some sort of acceptance /support (I'm sure they were dying to ask more the little busy bodies)?

 

18yr olds needed education though. Sent them out of the store to peruse the sidewalk, check out the Stars whilst I paid...they said they had no idea who this Clark Gable was but he sounded familiar...?

 

As I recall, conversation in the car earlier, one of them said if the person is not on Tik Tok, she firmly puts them in the 'older category'?

 

Goodness.

 

Anyway random useless thoughts to share.

 

Hugs!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[swallow]

OH! ...

 

Forgot to mention...strange thing my friend and I found we both shared (guilty) pleasure in...perusing online shopping for hours, putting items into the bag and hoping they go on sale but finally buying just one or two things...?

 

I thought it was just me, I get such a high just window shopping endless parade of clothes.?

 

Glad to hear its not some sort of obsessive practise on my part and another Cis-woman also shares similar mania.?

 

Perhaps some of this boudary punishment on my part pushing what I can get away with may be linked to shopping manic me.

 

I don't over spend or anything am pretty frugal but I do love shopping.

 

She asked me about clothes (first thing) when we sat for the meal at the Chinese restaurant ...which is when the Waitress started to also hover around our table quite a bit more..?

 

But I told her I never had issue shopping for clothing bc I use to buy the clothing for my partner (since she wasn't terribly good initially at least at dressing herself)

 

In fact, I told my friend occasionally, my partner would 'complain' she got the sense I was treating her as my little doll...but not to stop.?

 

which now I feel somewhat guilty that perhaps I was since maybe in some ways I lived through her my womanhood.

 

I guess this clothing/shopping obsession may not be uncommon with folks here too??

[swallow]

Yay!

 

My female friend I took to the Art Show has volunteered to be sounding board for my 'voice development' to attempt to draw me out of my shell.?

 

She's a Biologist so hopefully she can apply scientific rigor and objectivity which I need.?

 

And she said, she wants me to dress as I'd like to....prob since we shared our shopping sprees online as well...?

 

I'll bring lunch and we can work thru if I have the testicular fortitude to speak like a proper woman.?

 

I primed my kids today (Took them to the art show too)

 

Response was mixed...they were working on voice for singing wondering if there was an overlap between their ranges and I took the opportunity to casually offer my Trans Voice App for use if they wanted since my Therapist recommended it and I wasn't using it enough...

 

Well... I'm still unconvinced I will do the business but here's to trying.

 

Anyone-else have mental block with the voice?

 

I'm wondering as well if it is linked to my fear that I am not passing maybe visually and people are just being polite. But I'm less hesitant with clothing for some reason.

 

And so at very least, I will be pushing the boundary further turning up in a floral smock dress I bought online some many months back gathering dust otherwise.?

 

 

[Bri2020]

3 hours ago, swallow said:

 

 

Anyone-else have mental block with the voice?

 

I'm wondering as well if it is linked to my fear that I am not passing maybe visually and people are just being polite. But I'm less hesitant with clothing for some reason.

 

And so at very least, I will be pushing the boundary further turning up in a floral smock dress I bought online some many months back gathering dust otherwise.?

 

 

I kinda gave up on it. But, I came out and then went full bore on social and medical transitioning and it just felt like trying to work on my voice was too hard and time consuming. Now I'm comfortable with the fact I don't "pass" and open about the fact that I'm trans so it seems like postponing that work until I have more bandwidth is OK

[Charlize]

My voice is sometimes an issue, especially on the phone.  Since visual clues give anyone who sees me a "female read" my voice hasn't seemed to out me.  One voice coach, who is a friend, said that i sounded like a woman who smoked for a long time.  I can live with that,  in fact i have to......   As Bri said i'm comfortable with the fact that my voice may not pass.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Ivy]

 

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

As Bri said i'm comfortable with the fact that my voice may not pass.  

I'm kinda like this also.  Of course I don't talk much unnecessarily.  But I will engage in a conversation if the opportunity comes.

 I just don't stress over it.

 

It sounds like you're doing pretty well tho.

[swallow]

Charlize,

 

 Ooooo a raspy voice could be sexy. Very 40s film noir...  ?

 

I've been listening to several women (academics and judges) who seem to speak with a lower tone. Maybe I can take cues from them and find the sweet spot.

 

Bri,

 

Don't give up! I think you look great.?

 

I've been watching (as I'm sure many of us have been ) the Olympics. Some women look more masculine (Wrestling)...I would call it 'athletic'. also the volleyball girls are so tall. My daughter's ex boyfriend's mom was an ex Pro Basketballer. She must be 6' without heels. Very feminine lady despite.

 

Prob if I'm honest, like me, our hair is a little thin and a fuller head of hair will make a big difference. I'm back on the Biotin, hope it works somewhat...my flyaway fine hair is so annoying.?

 

Jandi,

 

My problem is I just can't shut up. I'm trying to be more circumspect....but I have a lot to say.

 

story time...

 

I once went to a foreign country with my partner. she spoke the language so she told me that she and her friend would bargain on my behalf at the market (My shopaholic self was very excited)...she and friend sold a story that I was a mute with some long story about and unfortunate incident (They got carried away with themselves...girls) and the women at the market were very sympathetic.

 

"so young and handsome" they said, "How unfortunate"...?

 

I was getting good prices (with the girls haggling on my behalf) but the mute thing was getting increasingly difficult when it come to selection and choice of items...

 

Naturally the inevitable happen and (like a miracle) I produced intelligible sound.

 

We were run out of that market like the fakes we were.? Idiots the lot of us.

 

That said, I think I'm hovering whether I should just live with the voice...?

 

...since my friend is willing to help me, I'll see what she says and how it all goes. Hope she gives me an honest opinion.

 

I just want to match my voice with my outward appearances. I've been passing visually but just seem to spoil the whole thing ...let down by the wretched voice. ?

 

 

[Bri2020]

I'm probably going to get to work on my voice more seriously this year- if I can find the bandwidth. Right now- just related to transitioning I have 90 minute weekly electrolysis for the face, weekly counseling to try and keep the marriage healthy, monthly psychiatric visits, monthly psychology visits, every other month a road trip to chicago for electrolysis for vaginoplasty, a breast augmentation in 23 days, FFS consult in 45 days.......  I'm -censored- exhausted. I told myself it's OK to put voice off until after FFS recovery which should be in the early spring.  I had started voice therapy for about 4 visits almost a year ago before being overwhelmed by everything else.

Right now I can partially feminize my voice for about 2 minutes of conversation before it sinks into my baritone range. I do manage to keep the resonance up "most" of the time but pitch kills me. 90% of the time I get misgendered on the phone even though that's where I do my best voice   Worst case scenario I can always go get the vocal cords shortened.

[swallow]

Hi Bri,

 

I just had a 'session' with my friend yesterday. She was so patient with me.?

 

We tried reading a magazine (I believe it was the NewYorker) but the articles were seriously depressing and sentence structures very clunky.?

 

I ended up (Self conscious me) sounding like a British news reader she commented dunno why.?

 

I showed her my VOICE TOOLS app. We realised a good bit of her voice drops into the male tone and back up.?

 

All the while I was sweating bricks.?

 

I could barely manage it but I think it was breaking the cherry just the initial step to get over the nervousness of being judged by others and even with friendly her, such a massive hurdle!

 

I could not do it and kept dropping back into the male register for comfort and security.

 

But I think its really strengthen my resolve and today I'm finding better access to my female tone.

 

One thing she recommended since I related my issue with random meetings with strangers and having to disappoint their clocking me as female with awful male voice, was to practise simple short phrases like "Thank You", or "No, I won't need plastic bags and no forks or spoons either" or " Yes please, that would be wonderful sir"☺️

 

I certainly have enough positive visual reactions. Today when leaving a gas station onto a very very busy street, a man in his car stopped for me to get out. In those instances at least I am well insulated and a friendly wave and smile suffices.

 

But I am now resolved to try to vocalise with my encounters at the market or if someone opens a door for me at least.

 

So don't give up from a fellow struggler! ?

 

On your own time when your comfortable I agree! But let's do this!

 

 

 

[swallow]

I also forgot to add it was the first time I've been out of the house in a dress.

 

I wasn't nervous at all. My trepidation actually was at my home whilst preparing to go out with my kids buzzing around the house.

 

But neither of them mentioned anything, I hope that is a further sign of acceptance and them not avoiding the glaring obvious.?

 

I was comfortable enough in the frock, I don't think anyone on the street took second glance. In fact felt really 'liberated'

 

But at the voice lesson, was suddenly upset not bc of the dress of course just the effort I was putting into the vocals and the inability to get to tone brought back a feeling of being freakish and non genuine. ?

 

And it cascaded into thinking about my partner and how I felt I've let her down by not being honest with her about myself.

 

It was strange since it suddenly came over me.

 

My friend of course said the right things to help...

 

Finding myself may seem trivial compared to the greater priorities in my life (particularly generating income for my kids) but OTOH it affects my own outlook of life, my interactions and cannot be ignored.

 

So this morning I resolved to at least put in the effort. If others believe in me, I should believe in myself better.?

 

Its hit and miss this morning with the voice used with the kids but all part of the 'uncomfortable' transition I suppose that needs to happen.

 

Certainly I think I've found a way to find my pitch. I start with a hum like a 'Hmmm' from a high pitch and down to the pitch I find most comfortable. Reminding myself to push the voice forward and upwards. I have issues with volume/projection so I put in more breath into my words and resign myself for the moment that I will be a bit more quiet than usual, which is probably a good thing anyway.?