Seeking Guidance

[Vedis]

Hi,

 

I'm a 28 year old high school art teacher, AFAB. I have been presenting as female my who life and knew I as bi super early, like the 4th grade? I always felt super out of place growing up with my gender and was always just called a tomboy. Whenever we'd get grouped into gendered activities when I was a child it was a huge stressor for me. I didn't really feel like a girl but I also didn't really feel like a boy? I like dresses and make up and I definitely physically look super fem. In high school all I wanted was to be tall and androgynous, so I could easily slide between more of a masc and fem look.  However, I'm short and curvy so that isn't really an option for me. Eventually I really embraced the fem look as I think it is what I pull off most successfully and it also seemed to be what made all of my partners the happiest. I wouldn't say I am dysphoric with looking fem, which is part of the reason I am questioning whether or not I am non-binary/gender fluid.

 

I think a lot of my insecurity around being non-binary comes from growing up as bi. When I joined the queer community in high school (2010) everyone identified as gay or lesbian. Bi people where considered fake and only good for straight couples to hook up with.   I got a lot of hate from the queer girls I was around at the time, got uncomfortable vibes from my straight girl friends, and dudes kept trying to get me to do a three-some.  Overall, the whole experience kind of sucked. 

 

At this point in my life I am presenting as fem and don't totally have an issue with it but I know that at my core I don't really feel like a girl or a boy, I feel like a human. However I'm afraid to name myself as non-binary or genderfluid as I feel like the community would probably just reject me. Most examples of non-binary people I see are people very clearly subverting clothing gender norms with fashion, or they present with a more androgynous look. Is it okay to be AFAB and still present fem while also feeling non-binary? 

 

Send help. 

 

 

Thanks for reading,

 

Vedis

[Ivy]

Welcome Vedis.

 

1 hour ago, Vedis said:

Is it okay to be AFAB and still present fem while also feeling non-binary?

I can't see why not.

We're not all the same.  

[Heather Nicole]

Hi, I'm binary trans, but from what I've seen, the trans community seems to be generally very accepting of nonbinary and genderfluid people. I know this forum definitely is.

 

There's a streaming video app called Revry, which has a couple documentaries I'd recommend: "Them" and "Between the Shades". They both touch on some of the things you're asking about.

[Heather Shay]

@Vedis I guess it depends on your situation. You are in an understanding state but you need to think about your work situation. Have you discussed your gender with a gender identity therapist? That would be a good way to help you approach your situation. A good book to help sort things out as well is "You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Fox and you can get it at Amazon for about $15. It walks you through understanding yourself and guides you to understand who you are.

BTW - IT IS ABSOLUTELY OKAY to be AFAB and still present fem while also feeling non-binary? 

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, Vedis said:

Is it okay to be AFAB and still present fem while also feeling non-binary? 

huh? not sure i understand your post. but, if you feel okay with what you are then it is okay. okay? lol just be yourself. you don't need anyone else's approval. thank you.  

[Vidanjali]

2 hours ago, Vedis said:

Eventually I really embraced the fem look as I think it is what I pull off most successfully and it also seemed to be what made all of my partners the happiest.

 

I don't really feel like a girl or a boy, I feel like a human.

 

Is it okay to be AFAB and still present fem while also feeling non-binary? 

 

Hi @Vedis. I believe the answer to your question is yes. Gender identity and gender expression are two different, but related things. I am afab, nonbinary and asexual. I used to express very fem for reasons similar to yours, but for me it didn't feel quite right; these days I'm embracing my masc energy, and enjoy presenting more androgynous, whilst still enjoying some fem things too. None of that is a requirement for being nonbinary, though. Aesthetic, comfort, social considerations, and attractiveness to partners are all aspects that contribute to variability in how we present.

 

I can understand how your previous experience of how peers reacted to your bisexuality plays into your reluctance to embrace your feeling of gender identity. I can't tell most people I'm ace and enby without having to go to great lengths to explain what all that means and means to me. Moreover, anytime I feel inspired to tell someone, I have to check in with myself to ensure I don't engage with any feelings of self-defensiveness that may creep up. I want to be seen and accepted. 

 

 

[Ivy]

3 hours ago, Shay said:

"You and Your Gender Identity" by Dara Huffman-Fox

You also might like “My New Gender Workbook” by Kate Bernstein.  She has a sort of non-binary outlook.

[Amber76]

Thank you for sharing your story ???

 

I personally think that while it shouldn't matter at all, to some people it does. So there is nothing wrong with keeping your personal information personal, and sharing with your inner circle, or however you see fit

 

Your identity is yours to present to the world however you think best