Thank you 'Sir'

[Charlize]

     Yesterday i delivered our syrup to a local health food store where folks opened doors for me and offered help.  Then i went to the salon for a mani-peddie.   I was wearing a very lightweight pink skirt and top as the temperature here is very hot.  As i left with pretty pink blush toes and gel fingers i remembered i would be passing the Kubota tractor store.  We have recently purchased an older tractor to help in haymaking.  It was lacking two parts of the 3 point hitch.  I ordered those and picked up some duplicate keys for the machine.  As i was leaving the very pleasant man behind the counter said:  "Thank you sir" and then quickly "corrected himself" with a "mam".

     I was taken aback.  It has been years since i've been openly misgendered, especially when in person.  I've lived in this town almost all my life so i've got a long history here.  While i don't hide, i am very used to simply being me.  This incident kinda hurt in ways i didn't expect.  I guess there is nothing to do but somehow it felt like after 10 years of living as myself this shouldn't happen.

     Thanks for being here.  Sharing with others who understand helps me understand i'm not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Heather Shay]

@Charlize I guess the hurt never really goes completely away and I'm sorry you were taken aback and had to go through that yet again.

Sadly I actually haven't had anything BUT sir. Even my very kind electrologist yesterday, when I said "Thank you ma"am" said "Thank you ssss..." and caught herself. She didn't say ma'am but I at least knew she caught herself and that lessens it a little.

I am so thankful YOU are here as you've given so much to us, if I can repay even a tiny bit - I'M ALL IN.

Hugs,

Heather 

 

[swallow]

Hi,

 

I think in many cases, its just a knee jerk reaction by people. My producing partner just asked me again today if I'd prefer him to refer to me in male or female pronouns when I intimated to him I've been doing a lousy job keeping to my commitments with my voice...

 

My usual response... unless your in NYC, anything but '-censored-' will do fine (I expect to be called -censored- of course at some point in the Big Apple...prob when crossing the street on my own time?)

 

Of course I would prefer female nouns but I just don't want him (in this case) to be over self conscious as well.

 

Still misgendering is upsetting. I tell myself I'm not bothered but that would be a lie.?

 

I guess most of us will not always be 100% everyday so sometimes we may have an off day here and there and it happens is a good way of looking at it?

 

In my case, I seem to pass enough visually but the dreaded voice!?

 

Just a couple days back I made a rare foray into Costcos because I was running low on Grated Reggiano cheese and Italian Frozen Meatballs (Maybe Olive Oil...debatable)?

 

There was I standing all grand at check out (I've become a bit brazen recently with crop tops)...I must look somewhat lost or in need of help apparently bc the two women working the check out when it came my turn then both came to assist me actively and called me "sweetie" like I was a lost child or something.?

 

I refrained from vocalising as much as possible sticking to hand signals which must have made them think I had some sort of speech impediment.?

 

I wanted to preserve the "correct gendering"...well at least I hope "Sweetie" was to a feminine (if clueless) persona.

 

I did get the occasional "Sir" as well at check outs on visual presentation. Its a good time to reflect of course what went wrong for my "stealth" to be so 'rudely' penetrated.

 

These days hopefully more people will clue up that if someone is generally dressed feminine, its more than likely good indication that they prefer feminine nouns. ?

 

I find it kinda sweet though that your check out checked himself and corrected his error if clumsily. Its worth a "thank you" for sure as encouragement.☺️

 

(If there's any consolation, by your pic, I don't think I would ever misgender you...unless you had my voice god forbid)

 

Anyway some mirth hopefully to make light of the unfortunate event which will not repeat itself again.?

 

 

[Sally Stone]

12 hours ago, swallow said:

I think in many cases, its just a knee jerk reaction by people.

I couldn't agree more with Swallow's statement, sometimes people just blurt out based on their initial assessment.  I'm even certain that cis people are occasionally misgendered.  Of course, I really do feel your pain Charlize and I'm not saying it's okay.  Even if it is an honest mistake, it still hurts.  I was addressed as sir just the other day by a gas station attendant and like you, I was surprised.  The consolation was, I could tell the attendant immediately questioned his response.  I guess being misgendered on occasion, is just something we will still have to contend with.   

[April-Showers]

2 hours ago, Sally Stone said:

I guess being misgendered on occasion, is just something we will still have to contend with.   

in many instances i think it's from the way one looks and dresses rather than a purposeful insult. if you look around you, there are some very weird ways that both males and females dress, use makeup or act. i often wonder when i see someone if they are a male or female. it may just be a part of this whole 'be whatever you want to be' progressive movement or at times just not caring for your appearance. just look around you or on television. i often wonder if they even know for sure what gender they are unless they look between their legs. lol thank you.

[Ivy]

14 hours ago, swallow said:

 

These days hopefully more people will clue up that if someone is generally dressed feminine, it's more than likely good indication that they prefer feminine nouns.

You'd think.

Sometimes it's hard not to see it as a micro aggression.

 

14 hours ago, swallow said:

..well at least I hope "Sweetie" was to a feminine (if clueless) persona.

I do get the "Sweetie" at times, and appreciate it.   Ya gotta take what ya can get.

[Billie75B]

@Charlize something I just thought of it may have been a habit it thing, at a tractor dealer 90+% of customers are male and the counter person may say thank you sir all day long and just out of habit it said that then realizing his mistake corrected himself. I agree with you though it does still hurt.

Billie

 

[KathyLauren]

1 hour ago, Billie75B said:

@Charlize something I just thought of it may have been a habit it thing, at a tractor dealer 90+% of customers are male and the counter person may say thank you sir all day long and just out of habit it said that then realizing his mistake corrected himself. I agree with you though it does still hurt.

Billie

 

 

It is true, that happens.  Years ago, when I was in the air force, the base commander's wife called me about something, probably a function at the officers' mess.  When she had told me whatever it was that she wanted to say, I replied, "Yes, sir ... er, ma'am."  The air force was heavily male at the time (probably still is), and you just got used to saying "yes, sir" to anyone of rank.

[Lee H]

My GT suggested the notion that we're all part of a profound revolution in gender expression. I have the idea that it is an awareness dawning from young to ... um ... ancient, like me. They seem to be much more aware of, and comfortable with, the idea that gender is a spectrum, not an immutable placement on one side or the other of an immutable binary system. People have a choice.

 

However, many people -- especially boomers -- are still stuck in that binary system, and respond to what they think they see standing before them. They make the mistake of misgendering. Sometimes it's innocent, as in:

3 hours ago, KathyLauren said:

just out of habit it said that then realizing his mistake corrected himself.

Billie

 

Sometimes it's malicious, as in the case of some Retrumplican MAGA ee-jit who knows your preference, but refuses to acknowledge it to give themselves a "feel good" rush.

 

"Screw 'em all but six, and save them for pall-bearers?"

 

[swallow]

Do not forget as well many Cis-women also get misgendered.

 

Another friend of mine was just complaining about it, and I did not think she looks anywhere near 'non feminine'.?

 

...and as per if it is malicious, frankly if you feel that's the case, the best thing is to deny them the joy by showing complete and utter indifference.?

 

Like today when I went to meet my friend who survived her Breast cancer...not that anyone was being malicious but I was in my dress so she was happy and surprise to see me in it asked if I was perhaps 'non binary'?

 

I told her I was told to explore myself and avoid the labels.

 

I think that's that.

 

I am who I am. Fierce today. Deal with it world.?

 

Had a real pleasant lunch with my friend, we could not give a hoot what anyone thought at the restaurant (Of course it helped the restaurant was empty)

 

Restaurant server was in fact extra nice to us (well we were the only customers).

 

Now just have to work on the pesky voice.?

 

I told my friend in NYC about it on the phone this morning. He suggested I try a different accent when I told him I put on an affected British accent when reading in a female voice for some reason. Dunno why but he likes Scottish. I told him no one including the Scots will understand me.?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Lee H]

Gallic?

[Nora]

On 8/12/2021 at 5:44 AM, Charlize said:

     Yesterday i delivered our syrup to a local health food store where folks opened doors for me and offered help.  Then i went to the salon for a mani-peddie.   I was wearing a very lightweight pink skirt and top as the temperature here is very hot.  As i left with pretty pink blush toes and gel fingers i remembered i would be passing the Kubota tractor store.  We have recently purchased an older tractor to help in haymaking.  It was lacking two parts of the 3 point hitch.  I ordered those and picked up some duplicate keys for the machine.  As i was leaving the very pleasant man behind the counter said:  "Thank you sir" and then quickly "corrected himself" with a "mam".

     I was taken aback.  It has been years since i've been openly misgendered, especially when in person.  I've lived in this town almost all my life so i've got a long history here.  While i don't hide, i am very used to simply being me.  This incident kinda hurt in ways i didn't expect.  I guess there is nothing to do but somehow it felt like after 10 years of living as myself this shouldn't happen.

     Thanks for being here.  Sharing with others who understand helps me understand i'm not alone.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

 

 I'm sure it was just a brain fart, but I totally understand the anxiety. People misgender people all the time. Just yesterday I saw a person in a tank top and long straight brown hair. From the back it looked just like my friend Rhianna. I called out to say hi. They turned around, and apparently it was a dude who looked like Jesus haha...well, if Jesus were ratty punk clothes with facial piercings and smoked a lot of dope hahahaha, but other than that, looked exactly the same haha.

I've been misgendered a bit more lately myself, but I get confused with a girl like Jesus over there....I love it when that happens lol. Figure I'll fully transition once it's harder for me to pass as a boy than it is for me to pass as a girl haha. To self conscious to go all-out at this point.

[Guest]

I get a lot of “sir I mean Ma’am” on my mail routes. My customers were so used seeing the old me and now the new me comes gallivanting up in the same uniform but with longer hair, ear rings, makeup and booblets. I’ve told a few folks but I’m usually so friggin busy that I just don’t have time to tell everyone. Otherwise I’m “ma’am’d” most of the time even when I’m tired, hot and my makeups melting off my face.

[Guest]

I get “mam I mean sir” all the time. I present as a man, so it’s a bit funny that they were right the first time. 

[Mara.something]

I get "thank you sir" several times a day. I am a delivery driver and I *think* it is just a knee-jerk reaction that mostly males do my job. I try not to let it bother me, most days it is fine. But my customers have been seeing the real me for about seven months and only one person has mentioned my transition and changed the way the talk to me. I'd be totally happy with just a "thank you" instead.

[Ivy]

8 hours ago, Mara.something said:

I'd be totally happy with just a "thank you" instead.

Yeah. The "sir" is totally unnecessary.

[WillowA113]

One time I was at the lazy river at the pool. I was using two floaties so I could lie my entire body on them. The lifeguards kept telling me to only use one floatie but every time they called me “sir” which automatically means I don’t need to listen to them. So I pretended I didn’t hear them. 

[Ivy]

Got "sir-ed" a little while ago at the office-max.  Left a bad taste in my mouth.  

It's so not necessary.

[stveee]

I have made an attempt at accepting getting sir'ed because it is the default in a patriarchal society and we are conditioned to affirm masculinity, and there could even be violent consequences if transgressed.

IIRC in the Marines, women officers are called "sir", so obviously it has to do with power and status. It's part of the unwritten social contract of roles and heirarchy. I believe this may be why TERFs dislike transwomen also, many cis women actually resent their womanhood and could never understand why one would "choose" to feminize themselves. It's insulting to them, because in that line of thinking, trans femmes reinforce patriarchal standards of oppression, while we find actually feminity liberating. One could argue from an AGP standpoint that we are playing out some sort of pathology, but that theory has already been debunked and itself is just another product of conditioning, when all human behavior is reduced to power dynamics and base instinct.

There are a few modern philosophers today, depite their education and intelligence, use it to construct elaborate theories regressing the species to dehumanize suffering.

[StephieGurl]

@Charlize, I find just being me a key component to being gendered properly. If you watch my behavior you would see typical female behavior. Matter of fact one of the first things I started to do in the beginning was stand like a girl. It became my natural stance very quickly.

 

I still get misgender occasionally, but it doesn't get to me like it used to. My belief is it's their fault, so it is none of my concern, it is theirs. But, it took me over two years to develop this mind stance.

[Kastia]

On the bright side. It's so awesome to be correctly gendered when not presenting! That makes my day because I feel like maybe it's in my mannerisms and I'm carrying myself better rather than clothing/make up.

[Trans22]

Misgendering and deadnaming do hurt, but I try to focus on the occasions where people get it right.  What hurts the most is when I do it to myself - I'm a little over 53yo but only 6.5 months old as a trans-woman.  My psychologist told me that I needed to be more patient and understanding, particular with myself, after I "beat myself up" for deadnaming and misgendering myself while talking about my past life in one of our sessions together.

[Trans22]

As a note, I count my rebirth date as the day I started living authentically in public and private.