Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

What is your most difficult struggle with being trans, parent/spouse/sign. other of someone trans?


Heather Shay

Recommended Posts

  • Replies 116
  • Created
  • Last Reply

Top Posters In This Topic

  • Jamie68

    16

  • Jackie C.

    15

  • Nora

    15

  • Mia Marie

    9

Top Posters In This Topic

Posted Images

7 hours ago, DianaW said:

Keeping a balance between wanting to go forward with transition and holding back for my wife's sake.  We've been married 16 years.  She's accepting and supportive to a point.  But she has drawn the line at me going on HRT or any other form of transition.  

 

I feel bad because she didn't sign up for this.  I wish I'd known this is who I am before I married her.  But I was oblivious.  I'm looking for a gender therapist and I'm hoping we can both go even if at separate times.  I know she needs to talk to someone, too.  She talks about grieving for the man she married.

I think this is the way it is for a great many of us. I've been married for over 50 years. I started taking transitioning stuff without telling her. I think that made it easier for me when I came out to her. Then it wasn't a question of me starting HRT. It was a question of what is safest for me to take. I'm not suggesting that this is what you should do though. Starting this way caused HUGE trust issues, a lot more than if I would have talked with her about it beforehand. Communication has always been a big problem with me. I'm learning how to now. Since then, every step I take is a huge step for her to accept, almost game ending for us. It's a delicate balance between my moving forward and holding back to wait for her acceptance. My spouse is in end stages of autoimmune pancreatitis. She was born with it. She is never below level 4 pain even with heavy pain meds. We're alike in that I didn't figure myself out till recently. Not till after I retired and had more time to dwell on things. My spouse didn't sign up for this either. It will never be the way it was between us, but we are working through it. 

I wish you well. Hang in there. Don't give up. You deserve to be happy with yourself. I don't regret transitioning at all. I am so much happire now. I can never go back to who I was.

Hugs.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

@DianaW I thought I was reading my own entry except I've been married 28 years and my wife is in the same mindset. We just had an explosion yesterday with me on HRT for nearing a year and a half. Just finally found a separate therapist she plans to see. I have an incredible therapist and I must say find one you like as soon as you can because it is vital for you.

Best

Heather

Link to comment

My wife initially set a boundary at “no surgery” but has since changed her mind, or become resigned to that surgery actually occurring. I discuss everything with her, but it is my decision. She has acknowledged that she has also changed during our 14 years together (she’s an aneurism survivor) and wants to continue our relationship as a lesbian couple. The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

Link to comment
2 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

Yeah, i'm in the same situation. It's tough. I just got put on the waiting list for GCS. It's going to be a one and a half to two year wait. My spouse was thinking she doesn't want to live long enough to be here when it happens. It repulses her to even think about being close to me as a woman. She's not lesbian. I had to reassure her that I can live without sex. My being trans puts her between a rock and a hard place. She can't support herself and is dependent on my health care. Basically i'm an in home nurse for her. My being trans really hurts her, but she understands I had no control over what I am and wants me to be happy. We love each other deeply, and have spent most of our lives together. We basically grew up together.

This is a cruel joke on both of us. ?

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

my wife is still talking but deeply hurt and she is dependent on my financials because she couldnt work due to fibromylia. shes stuck but i dont even consider that a hostage situation. i changed name and birth cert but am willing to change just the old name because of estate planning and bank accounts. thats as far as i can go but i really want to have the surgery and had to cancel consult with only surgeon who I know that entertains medicare - canceled due to wife not being on board yet. being an old fart of 69, i think of not having that much time remaining to be eligible for surgery and it hurts me deeply.

so @Jamie68 and @Erica Gabriel- that's at least 3 of us with a cruel joke ?

Link to comment
4 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

my wife is still talking but deeply hurt and she is dependent on my financials because she couldnt work due to fibromylia. shes stuck but i dont even consider that a hostage situation. i changed name and birth cert but am willing to change just the old name because of estate planning and bank accounts. thats as far as i can go but i really want to have the surgery and had to cancel consult with only surgeon who I know that entertains medicare - canceled due to wife not being on board yet. being an old fart of 69, i think of not having that much time remaining to be eligible for surgery and it hurts me deeply.

so @Jamie68 and @Erica Gabriel- that's at least 3 of us with a cruel joke ?

I'll be 69 in December. I think if you keep yourself in good shape then age shouldn't matter. Keep your spirits up. There's still hope. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

I'll be 69 in December. I think if you keep yourself in good shape then age shouldn't matter. Keep your spirits up. There's still hope. 

 

Seriously, the healthiest person I know is 69. Keep your health and your spirits up.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
15 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

 

I think there might be another angle....your wife has total trust in you. You've been there for her the enitre time, a solid rock. So much so she probably feels that if you need to do something like correcting this dysphoria we all live with, you should do it...and everything will be OK because it always has been. 

 

M.

Link to comment

If there was an edit option, I'd have to change my answer, things at home are getting better enough that I'd have to say it's probably my wife's sister that who is most difficult now. It took longer than the year I was hoping for with my wife when things turned sour, and still could be better, but it's so much better than it was in the spring and a lot of the summer.

 

Link to comment
1 hour ago, RhondaS said:

If there was an edit option, I'd have to change my answer, things at home are getting better enough that I'd have to say it's probably my wife's sister that who is most difficult now. It took longer than the year I was hoping for with my wife when things turned sour, and still could be better, but it's so much better than it was in the spring and a lot of the summer.

 

That's good to hear. Sometimes when we're in the thich of things, we don't see the improvements. We have to pause and reflect. I remember when it was almost a  "game over" when I changed my name. Now she almost always calles me Jamie.

Link to comment

Hesitating to be out & proud as nonbinary because it almost always requires so much explanation. Tempering dysphoria induced by being gendered binary requires energy expenditure, and having to explain myself does too. Individually being a conduit to challenge others to change the paradigm of their thinking about gender (let alone pronouns) seems an uncomfortable role for myself; I imagine myself a burden to others in that case. While I'm an ally and activist for the disenfranchised in general, I'm not comfortable being so for myself, personally. 

Link to comment

I now know what the most difficult part of transitioning is. It's the loss of family after hearing them tell you they will support your decision only to be lying to you and thinking it is not real and you can't  possibly be transgender. And at the point when what they are hoping to see you forget who you truly are they turn their backs on you because you didn't decide to make them happy by going back to the life that did nothing but made you depressed on a daily basis. This is now happening to me. Leaving me with a feeling of abandonment. The loss of family not to dying but fir being truthful to who you are. 

Link to comment

My biggest obstacle has been dealing with my mother. She has very conservative beliefs, and uses religion to justify them. I moved back in with her after her breast cancer came back to help with stuff around the house, and to contribute financially. I can't just leave because I want to make sure she is taken care of. I can't wait put off transition any longer. I can't help but feel guilty for putting her through this while she is already going through so much herself. I know I shouldn't blame myself, that it is her choice, that there are no magic words that will change her mind. That all I can do is my best to be myself, and hope for the best. It is hard having the patience to be patient.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Xrystiana said:

I know I shouldn't blame myself, that it is her choice, that there are no magic words that will change her mind.

You are correct to know you can't blame yourself. You didn't choose to be you just as no one on this planet chose to be who they are. I know how it feels to have religion thrown in your face like if they do this you will act as they want you to. My mom started doing just that and I had to make a hard decision to sever communication with her for a while with hopes she might have a change of heart. I don't see her getting any change of heart as your mom may not as well. Creating distance isn't something we want to do but sometimes you might have to.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
7 hours ago, Mia Marie said:

It's the loss of family after hearing them tell you they will support your decision only to be lying to you and thinking it is not real and you can't  possibly be transgender.

 

This absolutely infuriates me. If you choose to have children you're signing up for a kid who has autism, a kid who is LGBTQ+, a kid with disabilities, etc... YOU chose to roll those dice and there is exactly one immutable rule: Love your kids. Kids are supposed to grow up into individuals. They're not cupcakes. You don't get to throw them away if they don't come out exactly how you want.

 

ARGH! There are too many people in this world who want to have kids but are absolutely unsuited to become parents.

 

Both of you deserve so much better.

 

Hugs!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I read all these comments and feel such kindred spirits surrounding me here and it truly is my lifeline.

I feel all alone in the middle of a crowd and it hurts deeply.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Early in my life as myself i felt alone.  I somehow wasn't comfortable with others who were not trans.  I didn't seem to fit with either the men or women.  Today time has given me the gift of dancing comfortably with either gender.  After all i seem to realize i'm a bit of both having experienced life as both male and female.  I belong everywhere.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Charlize said:

After all i seem to realize i'm a bit of both having experienced life as both male and female.  I belong everywhere.

This is true.  Our past doesn't simply disappear.

Maybe we move into a bigger place?

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jandi said:

 Our past doesn't simply disappear.

So true. My spouse doesn't get why I still have some of the same interests that I had when I was male to everyone. I love tinkering with things. I was a sheet metal worker for over 40 years. I've always loved making stuff. Most of you have eaten food from Kraft foods, General Mills, Wrigley foods, and many more food plants where their products went through a chute that I personally made, or was protected by a guard or cover to keep dust out of the products. That's part of my life i'm proud of. 

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Glad you are proud of your work. I worked as Industrial engineer and Quality Engineer and the only satisfactions I got were 1) money to live on, 2) time spent with workers on the floor who shared their hopes and dreams. As far as mgt - never liked them and my last job I reported the the CEO who was the worst human being I'd ever met. I still get horror flashes thinking of the so called person.

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Heather Shay said:

Glad you are proud of your work. I worked as Industrial engineer and Quality Engineer and the only satisfactions I got were 1) money to live on, 2) time spent with workers on the floor who shared their hopes and dreams. As far as mgt - never liked them and my last job I reported the the CEO who was the worst human being I'd ever met. I still get horror flashes thinking of the so called person.

Well, most of our work came through engineers. If it wasn't for you people we wouldn't have the good quality of products we enjoy today. I would imagine that 99% of the people here has affected all of us in some positive way. There are NO unimportant jobs. ?

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

There are NO unimportant jobs. 

Yes. I once shoveled manure. It was on a dairy farm—a beautiful family farm. The farmer was a giant, an ex-pro football player and a Salish man from First Nations. But he treated me, an anorexic fifteen-year-old, like a baby lamb who could discuss Russian literature. Best father I ever had. The milk was the best I've ever—but the fresh raspberry ice cream? To die for. But I didn't.

 

— Davie

Link to comment
1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

There are NO unimportant jobs.

As has been demonstrated in the past+ year.  Funny who turns out to be "essential" after all.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 106 Guests (See full list)

    • MaryEllen
    • Mmindy
    • Maddee
    • Charlize
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.

  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,944
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Melissa_J
    Newest Member
    Melissa_J
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Mmindy
      Good morning everyone,   @KymmieLI hope you're misreading your bosses communications. As you say keep plugging a long. Don't give them signs that you're slow quitting, just to collect unemployment.   I have a few things to do business wise, and will be driving to the St. Louis, MO area for two family gatherings.   Have a great day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • KymmieL
      Good morning everyone, TGIFF   It seems like I am the one keeping or shop from being the best. According to the boss. I don't know if my days are numbered or not. But anymore I am waiting for the axe to fall. Time will tell.   I keep plugging a long.   Kymmie
    • KymmieL
      In the warmer weather, Mine is hitting the road on the bike. Just me, the bike, and the road. Other is it music or working on one of my many projects.   Kymmie
    • LC
      That is wonderful. Congratulations!
    • Heather Shay
      What is relaxation to you? Nature? Movie? Reading? Cuddling with a pet? Music?
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
      Having just a normal emotional day.
    • Heather Shay
      AMUSEMENT The feeling when you encounter something silly, ironic, witty, or absurd, which makes you laugh. You have the urge to be playful and share the joke with others. Similar words: Mirth Amusement is the emotional reaction to humor. This can be something that is intended to be humorous, like when someone tells a good joke or when a friend dresses up in a ridiculous costume. But it can also be something that you find funny that was not intended to be humorous, like when you read a sign with a spelling error that turns it into an ironic pun. For millennia, philosophers and scholars have been attempting to explain what exactly it is that makes something funny. This has led to several different theories. Nowadays, the most widely accepted one is the Incongruity Theory, which states that something is amusing if it violates our standards of how things are supposed to be. For example, Charlie Chaplin-style slapstick is funny because it violates our norms of competence and proper conduct, while Monty Python-style absurdity is funny because it violates reason and logic. However, not every standard or norm violation is necessarily funny. Violations can also evoke confusion, indignation, or shock. An important condition for amusement is that there is a certain psychological distance to the violation. One of the ways to achieve this is captured by the statement ‘comedy is tragedy plus time’. A dreadful mistake today may become a funny story a year from now. But it can also be distant in other ways, for instance, because it happened to someone you do not know, or because it happens in fiction instead of in real life. Amusement also needs a safe and relaxed environment: people who are relaxed and among friends are much more likely to feel amused by something. A violation and sufficient psychological distance are the basic ingredients for amusement, but what any one person find funny will depend on their taste and sense of humor. There are dozens of ‘humor genres’, such as observational comedy, deadpan, toilet humor, and black comedy. Amusement is contagious: in groups, people are more prone to be amused and express their amusement more overtly. People are more likely to share amusement when they are with friends or like-minded people. For these reasons, amusement is often considered a social emotion. It encourages people to engage in social interactions and it promotes social bonding. Many people consider amusement to be good for the body and the soul. By the end of the 20th century, humor and laughter were considered important for mental and physical health, even by psychoneuroimmunology researchers who suggested that emotions influenced immunity. This precipitated the ‘humor and health movement’ among health care providers who believed that humor and laughter help speed recovery, including in patients suffering from cancer1). However, the evidence for health benefits of humor and laughter is less conclusive than commonly believed2. Amusement is a frequent target of regulation: we down-regulate it by shifting our attention to avoid inappropriate laughter, or up-regulate it by focusing on a humorous aspect of a negative situation. Interestingly, amusement that is purposefully up-regulated has been found to have the same beneficial physical and psychological effects as the naturally experienced emotion. Amusement has a few clear expressions that emerge depending on the intensity of the emotion. When people are mildly amused, they tend to smile or chuckle. When amusement intensifies, people laugh out loud and tilt or bob their head. The most extreme bouts of amusement may be accompanied by uncontrollable laughter, tears, and rolling on the floor. Most cultures welcome and endorse amusement. Many people even consider a ‘good sense of humor’ as one of the most desirable characteristics in a partner. At the same time, most cultures have (implicit) rules about what is the right time and place for amusement. For example, displays of amusement may be deemed inappropriate in situations that demand seriousness or solemness, such as at work or during religious rituals.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • April Marie
      Good morning, everyone!!! Two cups of coffee in the books and I am just feeling so wonderful this morning. Not sure why, but I'm happy and smiling.   Enjoy this beautiful day!!!
    • Heather Shay
      A U.S. dollar bill can be folded approximately 4,000 times in the same place before it will tear. -You cannot snore and dream at the same time. -The average person walks the equivalent of three times around the world in a lifetime. -A hippo’s wide open mouth is big enough to fit a 4-foot-tall child in. -Chewing gum while you cut an onion will help keep you from crying.
    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...