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What is your most difficult struggle with being trans, parent/spouse/sign. other of someone trans?


Heather Shay

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1 hour ago, Nora said:

Mom remarked a couple months ago in the middle of the store that she thinks I'm going to make a pretty girl...I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that, but I decided to take it as a compliment, trying not to blush too furiously, or look around the store too obviously, scanning to see if anybody just heard that shizzit my mom just said lmao. ...I finally understood the age-old euphemistic expression, "I wish the Earth would just open up and swallow me whole."

 

It's the darndest thing, but EVERY time somebody clocks me, I ask them, "What gave it away?" They ALWAYS start with, "You're very pretty." I had no idea what's up with that.

 

For the record the last two time it happened were, "You're very pretty but the surgery you're going for is something that a lot of trans women get." The other one was due to me being DECKED OUT in gay regalia and headed for the office of my GCS surgeon.

 

On topic though, the only people who haven't accepted me for who I am are my birth parents and one old guy at the gym. I think I can deal. I'm getting the picture on my gym ID changed though. I was still presenting male when it was taken and looking at it now makes me go, "Ugh." Old pictures in general are aversive for me. They all make me go, "Ugh."

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

...I was still presenting male when it was taken and looking at it now makes me go, "Ugh." Old pictures in general are aversive for me. They all make me go, "Ugh."

 

Hugs!


Totally starting to get that lol. I haven't come out on my main Facebook profile yet with all my friends and distant relatives, so whenever I go on there I end up seeing my old pics and it's a weird mixture of shock, disgust, and fear lmao. Chatting with my friends on there is SUPER awkward; I literally end up having to sincerely try to pretend I'm a boy lol. They all live like literally thousands of miles away back in the arctic; I'm out to all my friends and family in Montana lol, (my mother, my aunt and uncle, and a couple of cousins and that's it; that's ALL I got for a social circle at the moment lol. XD

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Nora said:


Totally starting to get that lol. I haven't come out on my main Facebook profile yet with all my friends and distant relatives, so whenever I go on there I end up seeing my old pics and it's a weird mixture of shock, disgust, and fear lmao. Chatting with my friends on there is SUPER awkward; I literally end up having to sincerely try to pretend I'm a boy lol. They all live like literally thousands of miles away back in the arctic; I'm out to all my friends and family in Montana lol, (my mother, my aunt and uncle, and a couple of cousins and that's it; that's ALL I got for a social circle at the moment lol. XD

Hugs!

 

OH, anything people are going to see? Completely upgraded. I had an old friend contact another old friend and ask, "Does <deadname> have a sister?" when he found my updated info on social media. I... actually found that pretty funny.

 

But yeah, part of my coming out process was, "This is not a secret. Feel free to tell people. I'm DONE pretending." Not much fallout to be honest. I'm probably lucky that way, but people who don't want to know  the authentic me don't deserve my time.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

OH, anything people are going to see?


You are far braver than I lol. XD

And oh yeah...if I posted an updated pic, they'd definitely be able to tell something was different lol. XD

These are the main changes so far at about 8 months post-HRT, and over a year of growing my hair out:

Old me had short, slicked back hair; (think "70's greaser".)
New me has wavy/curly hair that reaches halfway down my back.

 

Old me was wirey/muscular, (think "teenage Spider-Man".)
New me has a bit less mass and strength, narrower shoulders, rounder features, some curves, a tad shorter, and A-cup breasts.

Old me had a goatee and body hair, (think "recently-released-prisoner" lmao.)
New me is fully shaved, with softer/smoother skin that bruises easy, and the big bulgy veins in my arms disappeared, so now my HRT provider has to draw blood from a vein in my hand instead lol.

And then of course there's all the emotional changes which seem to have also had an affect on the way I think and speak. Pretending to be Old Me on facebook is genuinely exhausting lmao; I try to just avoid facebook altogether now lol.

I hate Old Me lmao. XD

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4 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

I'm getting the picture on my gym ID changed though. I was still presenting male when it was taken and looking at it now makes me go, "Ugh."

 

My driver's license photo has started doing that for me. It was taken juuust before I started growing my hair out. It was borderline almost short enough to be a buzz cut. Now it's past shoulder length. It's kinda funny some of the occasional times I get carded, when they notice the difference :D

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Oh, I got the BEST driver's license photo the day (and it was ABSOLUTELY the day, the ink was still wet on my court order) I got my name changed on my driver's license. Tragically the one I got to change my sex marker isn't quite as good. I got one perfect DL picture. Tragically it lasted less than a year.

 

3 hours ago, Nora said:

I hate Old Me lmao. XD

 

After several years of therapy, I don't really hate my façade anymore. He did his best to keep me safe. He wasn't perfect. Sometimes he was an outright ass, but he was doing his best. I can't resent him for that. He's not me and I don't always remember him fondly, but I can't hate him. He tried.

 

Hugs!

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15 hours ago, Bri2020 said:

You all are glorious goddesses no mater where u are in ur transition or how you look. Embrace your inner goddess and let it shine. You will have more positive experiences than negative ones.  I get it.. living in big sky country as trans must be hard but let’s be real..even after all your surgery and hrt, most of us won’t ever fully “ pass” so u have to figure out a way to not give a fuc$ about what others may think. 
i don’t care what most men think of me, and most women are inspired by my “authenticity “ and think that’s beautiful. Which it is. Most people will see your bravery and react positively to u   

Heck I'm 6ft tall. I get called a Amazon a lot by my female friends, and I still rock it. I would also say I'm probably more confident now vs as a man. 

14 hours ago, Nora said:


Meh, I'm fairly confident. Even before HRT I was scrawny and short for a boy; (5'9" / 150 lbs.) Mom remarked a couple months ago in the middle of the store that she thinks I'm going to make a pretty girl...I wasn't quite sure how to feel about that, but I decided to take it as a compliment, trying not to blush too furiously, or look around the store too obviously, scanning to see if anybody just heard that shizzit my mom just said lmao. ...I finally understood the age-old euphemistic expression, "I wish the Earth would just open up and swallow me whole." ...Yep; that describes it lol. ?

I truly think my grandma hates that im trans, but when she says I look good, or mentions how pretty my nails, or jewelry is. It kinda werids me out a bit, but I think deep down. She she's happy that im happy, and im finally taking care of my self, and not dressing like a bum.  

 

I also got a little happy. When the females in my life. That knew the old me. Finally got to see the real for the first time. The smiles on there faces told me I made the right decision. One even said last time I saw her. She was so excited how I looked, and was happy with my progressed in the 10 month's. 

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9 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

Heck I'm 6ft tall. I get called a Amazon a lot by my female friends, and I still rock it. I would also say I'm probably more confident now vs as a man. 

 

I feel this in my soul. You've got an inch on me, but I spend a ton of time in the gym. I'm buff. My spouse calls me her Amazon. It's cute!

 

9 hours ago, Red_Lauren. said:

I truly think my grandma hates that im trans, but when she says I look good, or mentions how pretty my nails, or jewelry is. It kinda werids me out a bit, but I think deep down. She she's happy that im happy, and im finally taking care of my self, and not dressing like a bum. 

 

My spouse went through a bout of this. Mostly she was upset that I look better than she does (in her eyes anyway). Or, "You make a better girl than *I* do." She eventually got over it, but there was some conflict. It's mostly because of her poor self-image though.

 

Hugs!

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23 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

On topic though, the only people who haven't accepted me for who I am are my birth parents and one old guy at the gym. I think I can deal. I'm getting the picture on my gym ID changed though. I was still presenting male when it was taken and looking at it now makes me go, "Ugh." Old pictures in general are aversive for me. They all make me go, "Ugh."

So far the only family that doesn't truly accept me as a woman is my spouse, son, and future grandson in law.

I feel the same about most of my old pictures. I was a cute little boy though with bananna curly red hair. 

I do get creeped out when I get mail with my dead name on it.

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

I do get creeped out when I get mail with my dead name on it.

 

That just means I don't have to look at it. Into the trash you go!

 

Hugs!

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The last couple of days showed me that we are the hardest part about being trans. Depression and anxiety both play a part in who we are. I have been a little depressed the last couple of days and I am not sure if it is getting used to my "E" injections being 2 weeks apart now instead of pills twice a day. I do know that a lot comes from the people we love in our lives. Like my father saying he doesn't want anything to do with any part of my trans needs and my mom telling people that my therapist put all this in my head. It makes me feel so alone in this. I am hoping sometime soon I can get on the surgery list for bottom surgery. My issue and fear is my family won't be there and I would have no help. I read you have to put someone on the form as someone to help with post surgery. I feel I have no one and that means I am alone in this. How can anyone not feel alone when they have no support from family? How can one stop feeling invisible around those who don't want you to see you as your true self? This past Fri was my birthday and even though I brought it up in conversation I was treated as if I wasn't there. It has been something that has become more prevalent each year. I went out with a group of trans and I told them but no one seemed to care. A quick happy birthday and then a change in conversation. I can only remember 2 birthday parties in my life. Neither one just for me. So to me the hardest part about being trans is being alone.

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Well first off, happy belated birthday. That's usually Timberwolf's thing but I don't think they'll mind if I step in just this once.

 

Secondly, yeah, non-supportive parents suck. I haven't seen mine in three years and... let's be honest... that's a huge amount of stress I no longer have.

 

So support. I remember you don't have an LGBTQ+ center near you? In times like this, I lean on friends and other family. Meetups (I suffer from social anxiety, if I can do this, so can you) or other social apps are a good way to meet people. A lot of LGBTQ+ folks rely on their found families more than the ones we're related to by blood. That's OK. I personally think that Western culture puts too much emphasis on blood relations to begin with. My blood relations are terrible. I WISH I'd known that it was possible to build your own family when I was in my 20s. The family I've constructed is much cooler and more supportive.

On a practical level, you do need someone with you at the hospital. However, a friend (they say you have to have known each other for at least a year) works just as well as a blood relation. Cultivate contacts, go out and thrive.

 

You aren't alone in this. It might feel like that sometimes, but there are people in the world who will help you if you give them half a chance.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Well first off, happy belated birthday. That's usually Timberwolf's thing but I don't think they'll mind if I step in just this once.

 

Secondly, yeah, non-supportive parents suck. I haven't seen mine in three years and... let's be honest... that's a huge amount of stress I no longer have.

 

So support. I remember you don't have an LGBTQ+ center near you? In times like this, I lean on friends and other family. Meetups (I suffer from social anxiety, if I can do this, so can you) or other social apps are a good way to meet people. A lot of LGBTQ+ folks rely on their found families more than the ones we're related to by blood. That's OK. I personally think that Western culture puts too much emphasis on blood relations to begin with. My blood relations are terrible. I WISH I'd known that it was possible to build your own family when I was in my 20s. The family I've constructed is much cooler and more supportive.

On a practical level, you do need someone with you at the hospital. However, a friend (they say you have to have known each other for at least a year) works just as well as a blood relation. Cultivate contacts, go out and thrive.

 

You aren't alone in this. It might feel like that sometimes, but there are people in the world who will help you if you give them half a chance.

 

Hugs!

@Jackie C. Thanks for this post like Marie I to am doing this alone I do have some close friends who have fully supported my transition but 2 are over 600 miles the other is 1100 miles. I haven't come out to family just yet as I am only 1 month on HRT. To top it off now my Dr wants me to get a colonoscopy because its been 15 years since my last one and I don't have any family close by to drive me home afterward. 

Billie

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1 hour ago, Mia Marie said:

The last couple of days showed me that we are the hardest part about being trans. Depression and anxiety both play a part in who we are. I have been a little depressed the last couple of days and I am not sure if it is getting used to my "E" injections being 2 weeks apart now instead of pills twice a day. I do know that a lot comes from the people we love in our lives. Like my father saying he doesn't want anything to do with any part of my trans needs and my mom telling people that my therapist put all this in my head. It makes me feel so alone in this. I am hoping sometime soon I can get on the surgery list for bottom surgery. My issue and fear is my family won't be there and I would have no help. I read you have to put someone on the form as someone to help with post surgery. I feel I have no one and that means I am alone in this. How can anyone not feel alone when they have no support from family? How can one stop feeling invisible around those who don't want you to see you as your true self? This past Fri was my birthday and even though I brought it up in conversation I was treated as if I wasn't there. It has been something that has become more prevalent each year. I went out with a group of trans and I told them but no one seemed to care. A quick happy birthday and then a change in conversation. I can only remember 2 birthday parties in my life. Neither one just for me. So to me the hardest part about being trans is being alone.

Happy belated birthday ? ? ? to you. Birthdays aren't what they used to be for me. My spouse and I usually go out to dinner for birthdays. 

I wish I had a friend to go talk to or shop with, but my spouse will never go for it. It gets dam lonely at times. 

My surgeon recommends me staying in a nursing facility after surgery since I really don't have anyone to care for me. My spouse wants to be there, but I doubt if she will be able to mentally or physically. She doesn't want me to have GCS and she is in poor health. We are worried about who will help her while I am recovering. 

I'm finding that the only good thing about transitioning is that you finally get to be your true self. There is nothing easy about being trans. 

Just getting on the surgery list takes a lot. Where I'm going you have to have your 3 letters submitted and your insurance company has to approve the surgery. And then there's a long waiting list. Get started asap and get started with electrolysis asap. Hugs ? ? 

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

I'm finding that the only good thing about transitioning is that you finally get to be your true self. There is nothing easy about being trans. 

 

Hey now, a LOT of good things stem from being yourself. My circle of friends has expanded, my health has improved, my confidence has soared, I'm finally starting to chase my dreams again and I got to meet all of you.

 

Don't discount being your true self as "only." That key opens a lot of locked doors.

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

Where I'm going you have to have your 3 letters submitted and your insurance company has to approve the surgery.

First, my insurance doesn't have transgender care so the bill will have to be totally out of pocket. With that said I had to set up a fundraiser to see if I can raise enough to be able to afford GCS. Secondly, I read you only need 2 letters for GCS.

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1 hour ago, Mia Marie said:

First, my insurance doesn't have transgender care so the bill will have to be totally out of pocket. With that said I had to set up a fundraiser to see if I can raise enough to be able to afford GCS. Secondly, I read you only need 2 letters for GCS.

 

That's how it works in Michigan and via WPATH standards. One letter to get your HRT. After you've been on HRT a year, two more letters from two different gender therapists who can't be in the same network. So I guess a total of three, but your insurance company can throw additional conditions on it if they like.

I didn't go through insurance either. Mine covers bottom surgery, but only if it's in state. We have ONE doctor in state. He's a general plastic surgeon, he's a guy and he's close to retirement age. No thank you. I went out of state even if it did cost us $25K.

 

Hugs!

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2 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

Hey now, a LOT of good things stem from being yourself. My circle of friends has expanded, my health has improved, my confidence has soared, I'm finally starting to chase my dreams again and I got to meet all of you.

 

Don't discount being your true self as "only." That key opens a lot of locked doors.

 

Hugs!

Yeah, you're right. I guess I was being a little narrow minded. ?

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1 hour ago, Mia Marie said:

First, my insurance doesn't have transgender care so the bill will have to be totally out of pocket. With that said I had to set up a fundraiser to see if I can raise enough to be able to afford GCS. Secondly, I read you only need 2 letters for GCS.

If they go by WPATH rev.7 standards you need 1 from doctor and 2 from therapists for Vaginoplasty. Only 2 letters for orchiectomy. 

I hope you can raise enough money. Just the surgery is fifty grand plus. The total cost can be a hundred grand. I have Humana Choice insurance that covers 50%, but I have a maximum out of pocket of $5,500. Can you change insurance? 

 

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

Just the surgery is fifty grand plus.

 

What procedure? My inversion (with hospital fees) only cost $25K.

 

Hugs!

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TX insurance doesn't allow for transgender care. I have looked into a secondary insurance that does but they call think I am looking for primary insurance as though I had none. Each one tells me that they don't have trans care and aren't looking to add. 

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1 hour ago, Mia Marie said:

TX insurance doesn't allow for transgender care. I have looked into a secondary insurance that does but they call think I am looking for primary insurance as though I had none. Each one tells me that they don't have trans care and aren't looking to add. 

That sucks. Hopefully soon.?

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

 

What procedure? My inversion (with hospital fees) only cost $25K.

 

Hugs!

I hope i'm wrong, but this is a Chicago hospital though. I plan to get a full depth inversion.

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

I hope i'm wrong, but this is a Chicago hospital though. I plan to get a full depth inversion.

 

Yup, that's what I got. For me it was $25K inclusive. Hospital fees, etc... That was (barely) pre-pandemic though.

 

Hugs!

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      That's kind of new to me too, the idea of "hun/honey" being a derogatory thing (I date back to the 1980's, FWIW, so I guess that makes me relatively old).   To me personally, it sounds like the kind of thing that's not so much about "what" someone says, and more about "how" they say it. I mean, I can certainly imagine "hun/honey" being used in a derogatory way, but I've never known it to be inherently derogatory. But that's just me. Maybe it could a regional thing?
    • swallow
      Hi Everyone,   Don't really know where to post this...🤔   I've been so busy the last 3 weeks helping with an Art Fair in LA.😓   Its been ups and downs at the job but I was very happy my boss gave me the opportunity since aside from film production, I have zero experience in the Art world.🤫   In between, I've almost lost lots of money for her and almost compromised her because I Copied everyone instead of Blind copied.😣   But I managed to salvage the situations ...what I'd deem as taking a -crap- and coming out smelling like roses.🤭   During the Art show I found I was rather more in my element.😌   I was of course still employing a male voice and had soon established an effective control on the floor crew, started to whip things into action albeit still in a gentle non Alpha male feminine lead by example, organize and encourage manner.😊   But the girls in the office and everyone still gendered me as male and called me He or Sir.   Partly this was because I had told my boss that she should use whatever was more natural in terms of pronouns for both her and everyone-else and not make much issue of it.   Of course it still bothered me deep down.😔   Anyway come show days I got a bit more bold with my dress sense.   I had feminine clothing on the entire pre-production but I shed inhibition and started first to wear a frilly see through black blouse and waist high paperbag Khaki trouser on the first day. I elected for trousers since we went full day and into the night and I needed full mobility across the show floor.   But as the show days progress, I was assign partially to a more sedentary paced Door Bitch duty at the VIP lounge for some periods.   So I decided it was time for the dresses😬   Second day I worse a knee length black dress with tassles down the front and Khaki Maryjanes   Third Day I was back in a suit (Female cut)   Fourth day I went full Pink to match the Fuschia VIP Lounge with an ode to Molly Ringwold Pretty in Pink (Meets Korean style...as I was told by some Korean Gallerist)   Final day I had a deep green long dress with a lime green belt and sneakers plus a Retro short crop sand brown duster jacket.   Anyway on that day, I was busy trying to coral people into a talk at an Italian Gallery by a famous Italian Street Artist when my colleagues suddenly called me into the gallery.   I was wondering what emergency could have happened this time...   ...instead the artist then proceeded to point at a new piece of work (Featuring two frogs in suits graffitied)...and then announced that this new work was inspired by me being brave enough to be me.   It was rather touching.☺️   As the final last days progress, I noticed many of the Gallerist started to refer to me in the feminine as well, with 'What's up girl?" or if I was in with my female colleagues "here come the girls".   I even got a bouquet from the Lead painter who bought all the 'girls' flowers🤗   Of course there were still some floor crew who preferred to address me as "Sir" even if I was blatantly in a dress but it did not feel purposeful.   What to me felt interesting was how things turned when I forced the issue with the dresses.   I don't think my female colleagues were expecting me to come in in dress.   There was all their pre-opening night chatter about what they were each going to wear for the event but I wasn't asked and felt somewhat excluded.🙄   That I chose to wear blouse and pants kept any issue with me under lid.   But you should have seen the reaction the next day when I swooped in (all natural) in my black dress.   To her credit the floor boss immediately greeted me with "And how are you today girl?"   Anyway I seem to have made a mark on the little event with my dressing. Apparently I am more than on point and they loved the colour combinations felt I brought a spark to the proceedings.   Inside, I just felt I was being myself really. I would have liked to have had a more female range voice but I had been working with these people before meeting them in person over the phone in male voice so was unsure if I wanted to go female voice and throw such a strong curve ball at them (make it an unnecessary other issue from the work)   But they must have had somewhat of a shock anyway when they first met me in person with my long hair and quite obvious female clothing.😁   You should have seen the looks when I walked the floor in dresses.   Hopefully this is a positive strike for us all? I like to think so. Small steps forward.                    
    • Ticket For Epic
      I'd hate to have to drop that from my vocabulary.  Don't get me wrong, I would to keep from offending anyone but it would be disappointing.   I heard this from someone in their mid 20's, so perhaps it's newish in the younger crowd or perhaps just their local area.  Thanks for your feedback.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I've never heard that "term of endearment" to be considered a slur, whether aimed towards a trans person or a cis-person..  I've never seen it used that way in anything I've read or heard.  But I suppose anything is possible.   Carolyn Marie
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