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What is your most difficult struggle with being trans, parent/spouse/sign. other of someone trans?


Heather Shay

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4 hours ago, Mia Marie said:

TX insurance doesn't allow for transgender care. I have looked into a secondary insurance that does but they call think I am looking for primary insurance as though I had none. Each one tells me that they don't have trans care and aren't looking to add. 

I guess I am lucky my insurance covers everything except FFS, for me though I would rather have FFS over a BA and they cover a BA 

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Just want to move forward - frustration mounting.....

 

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16 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

 

That's how it works in Michigan and via WPATH standards. One letter to get your HRT. After you've been on HRT a year, two more letters from two different gender therapists who can't be in the same network. So I guess a total of three, but your insurance company can throw additional conditions on it if they like.

I didn't go through insurance either. Mine covers bottom surgery, but only if it's in state. We have ONE doctor in state. He's a general plastic surgeon, he's a guy and he's close to retirement age. No thank you. I went out of state even if it did cost us $25K.

 

Hugs!


Weird; I didn't have to have any letters to get on HRT. I saw a gender therapist for a few months before he hooked me up with his HRT specialist; an FNP at a women's health clinic. Medicaid's paying for both my therapy and HRT, and I believe they'll also cover the SRS if, not at least part of it. Montana is pretty LGBT-Friendly though; Trump left it up to the States and companies to decide what they wanted insurance to cover, and Montana was one of the States that decided not to get rid of coverage for transgender healthcare. 

...Dodged that bullet LOL. XD
 

15 hours ago, Mia Marie said:

TX insurance doesn't allow for transgender care. I have looked into a secondary insurance that does but they call think I am looking for primary insurance as though I had none. Each one tells me that they don't have trans care and aren't looking to add. 


You should come to the Flathead Valley; lots of transfolk in these parts; plus Montanans are just like, a THOUSAND percent more chill than Texans are lol. ...We just legalized marijuana completely as well, so our chill factor is only going to increase LOL.

The Dispensaries open up to the public this coming New Years Day! It's gonna be so dope lmao. XD

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On 9/20/2021 at 10:46 AM, Jackie C. said:

After several years of therapy, I don't really hate my façade anymore. He did his best to keep me safe. He wasn't perfect. Sometimes he was an outright ass, but he was doing his best. I can't resent him for that. He's not me and I don't always remember him fondly, but I can't hate him. He tried.

 
I don't really differentiate between Old Me and New Me quite like that; they're both ME; my fundamental personality, mannerisms, quirks, hopes, dreams, fears, and values haven't changed at all; I'm still the same person and probably always will be lol. I also don't really think of Old Me as a boy anymore, but more like a girl who looked like a boy lol. 

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On 9/22/2021 at 2:47 AM, Nora said:

Weird; I didn't have to have any letters to get on HRT. I saw a gender therapist for a few months before he hooked me up with his HRT specialist; an FNP at a women's health clinic. Medicaid's paying for both my therapy and HRT, and I believe they'll also cover the SRS if, not at least part of it. Montana is pretty LGBT-Friendly though; Trump left it up to the States and companies to decide what they wanted insurance to cover, and Montana was one of the States that decided not to get rid of coverage for transgender healthcare

 

Sounds similar to my Ohio Medicaid, but hopefully your's is better. For us, hormones, therapist, and amazingly, bottom surgery are all covered. Unfortunately, though, pretty much nothing else is covered. No cryostorage of genetic material (my current stumbling block), no FFS, no top surgery, no voice training, no electrolosys.

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8 hours ago, Heather Nicole said:

 

Sounds similar to my Ohio Medicaid, but hopefully your's is better. For us, hormones, therapist, and amazingly, bottom surgery are all covered. Unfortunately, though, pretty much nothing else is covered. No cryostorage of genetic material (my current stumbling block), no FFS, no top surgery, no voice training, no electrolosys.


Sounds a lot like mine too; pretty sure they'll cover my HRT, therapy, and bottom surgery. Unsure about FFS, but I could probably make a good appeal as to why they should. If they still won't, then my mom said she has like half a million dollars in savings that she'd dip into for me. I told her I wouldn't want that or feel right about it, but then she said she was planning on leaving everything to me when she dies because the rest of my family is diabolical LOL...No idea how that made me feel. Also inheriting the life-insurance policy she has on my father seeing as she'll probably die before he does, sadly. ...I've kinda been trying to prepare myself for her passing psychologically but I just don't think there's any way to be ready for that. She's in her seventies with a list of health conditions longer than my forearm, so we probably don't have that much time left. ?

...Hope she lives long enough to see me as her daughter. ?

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On 9/16/2021 at 7:59 PM, Nora said:

Mine is just going out of the house. Super self-conscious with severe social anxiety. Currently getting worse because it's starting to get too hard to hide the changes in public. Starting to experience people pointing, staring, snickering; keep telling myself things will be better in a few years, then I'm just going to move far away where no one knows me.

I used to dread the thought of going out dressed. Yet, The day I did it. It wasn't nothing. I just opened the door and walked out to the car. Which is a journey, our apt is about 50ft from the parking lot. I just walked like I was the queen of the world.

 

Kymmie

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1 hour ago, KymmieL said:

I used to dread the thought of going out dressed. Yet, The day I did it. It wasn't nothing. I just opened the door and walked out to the car. Which is a journey, our apt is about 50ft from the parking lot. I just walked like I was the queen of the world.

 

Kymmie


That's awesome. XD

I've only made little baby steps so far. I almost always go out wearing clothes from the women's section, but I've only gotten gender-neutral women's clothing so far; here's a typical outfit I'd wear: 

Gender_Neutral_Outfit.jpg.a24dc1e97007b6e3cf806b85f627d90d.jpg

Love newsboy caps; I can easily put my hair in a ponytail and tuck it up under the cap for a cute-androgynous-street-urchin-look lolClerks usually confuse me for a teenage boy when I try to buy cigarettes and can't believe I'm twenty-six when they check my ID.

...Quitting soon. >.<

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8 hours ago, KymmieL said:

just walked like I was the queen of the world.

That's the way you've got to do it. Who gives a crap about what other people think. If they don't like the way you are, that's their problem. That's the way I roll. Got enough to worry about in life. I'm not going to add them to the list.

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8 hours ago, Nora said:


That's awesome. XD

I've only made little baby steps so far. I almost always go out wearing clothes from the women's section, but I've only gotten gender-neutral women's clothing so far; here's a typical outfit I'd wear: 

Gender_Neutral_Outfit.jpg.a24dc1e97007b6e3cf806b85f627d90d.jpg

Love newsboy caps; I can easily put my hair in a ponytail and tuck it up under the cap for a cute-androgynous-street-urchin-look lolClerks usually confuse me for a teenage boy when I try to buy cigarettes and can't believe I'm twenty-six when they check my ID.

...Quitting soon. >.<

I like the hat also, it would cover up my sparse hair on top nicely. It's a long process changing your wardrobe. Strains the budget. Winters coming soon and I need all new winter clothes. 

 

I haven't had anyone gender me correctly yet when i'm out. The closest i've gotten is one guy who is a walmart greeter stopped saying, "have a nice day SIR". He just gives me a puzzled look and says, "have a nice day" now. It's a start.

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2 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

I like the hat also, it would cover up my sparse hair on top nicely. It's a long process changing your wardrobe. Strains the budget. Winters coming soon and I need all new winter clothes. 

 

I haven't had anyone gender me correctly yet when i'm out. The closest i've gotten is one guy who is a walmart greeter stopped saying, "have a nice day SIR". He just gives me a puzzled look and says, "have a nice day" now. It's a start.


I've only been gendered correctly once while out with my mom, but I'm pretty sure it was an accident lol. We were going througha drive-thru and the cashier told us, "Have a nice day ladies!" I was smoking a cigarette and had my head turned away at the time but turned to look at the cashier when I heard him say "ladies." XD I was waiting for him to correct himself, but he didn't and mom and I giggled about it shortly after lol. ...I'm pretty sure he was either just being polite or completely oblivious, already focusing on the next car in line, running on auto-pilot, eager to get off work lmao.

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When I came out to my wife she was very supportive. We had been talking about gender roles and how it's nonsense. I got this little voice in my head saying "tell her you feel like you're girl" going round and round in my head. So I told her. And in some ways I also told myself at the same time. Since then lots of things have become much clear (for example I'm pretty sure the anxiety I've had for years is done to me not being the gender I am).

 

However despite my wifes initial response she quickly become very upset. For her it has come out of the blue I guess.

 

Since then we've not really been able to talk about it. I don't know how to bring it up again, or if I can bring it up again.

 

It feels very selfish to move on with this without her. But also its out there now I want to get on with it. Lord knows what I'm gonna do.

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On 9/26/2021 at 5:32 AM, Jamie68 said:

He just gives me a puzzled look and says, "have a nice day" now. It's a start.

Way better.

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14 hours ago, Ahsoka23 said:

Since then we've not really been able to talk about it. I don't know how to bring it up again, or if I can bring it up again

You have to give her time to grieve and it may get better. I have read this from several others who have had the same issue.

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4 hours ago, Mia Marie said:

You have to give her time to grieve and it may get better. I have read this from several others who have had the same issue.

Like I say we don't even talk about it. It's like it never happened. I know that's not healthy but bringing it back up seems impossible.

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1 hour ago, Ahsoka23 said:

Like I say we don't even talk about it. It's like it never happened. I know that's not healthy but bringing it back up seems impossible.


I'd suggest writing a couple of letters to her.

In the first letter, explain as eloquently and professionally as you can that there's been something weighing on your mind for a long time, and you feel it's important for the two of you to have a calm, serious discussion about it, but that you aren't quite ready to yet; you just wanted to let her know that something has been up with you that's difficult to talk about.

Let her mull some things over in her head for a couple of days; assure her that it isn't anything illegal or immoral; just uncomfortable to talk about, but that you still love her and feel she deserves to know. (Or whatever lol.)

Then write her the second letter.

In the second letter, explain to her how exactly you are feeling, and the journey you've taken to the conclusions that you have reached, what you feel you need to do about it, and things she could do to help support you if she could find it in her heart to accept and hopefully understand you.

....And if she reacts negatively to THAT approach, then you deserve SO MUCH better than her, and you should totally make a run for it, leaving her alone to stir her cauldron while cackling wickedly before flying around on her broomstick lmao. :witch:
 

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1 hour ago, Nora said:


I'd suggest writing a couple of letters to her.

In the first letter, explain as eloquently and professionally as you can that there's been something weighing on your mind for a long time, and you feel it's important for the two of you to have a calm, serious discussion about it, but that you aren't quite ready to yet; you just wanted to let her know that something has been up with you that's difficult to talk about.

Let her mull some things over in her head for a couple of days; assure her that it isn't anything illegal or immoral; just uncomfortable to talk about, but that you still love her and feel she deserves to know. (Or whatever lol.)

Then write her the second letter.

In the second letter, explain to her how exactly you are feeling, and the journey you've taken to the conclusions that you have reached, what you feel you need to do about it, and things she could do to help support you if she could find it in her heart to accept and hopefully understand you.

....And if she reacts negatively to THAT approach, then you deserve SO MUCH better than her, and you should totally make a run for it, leaving her alone to stir her cauldron while cackling wickedly before flying around on her broomstick lmao. :witch:
 

That's a great idea, thank you :D

 

Unfortunately leaving is probably not possible. My wife has several mental and physical issues and I am basically her carer. I don't think she would last long if there wasn't someone here to check on her. The other reason is we have a young son who would be devastated if we spilt up. And on top of all that there's the fact that I love her very much and don't see my life without her.
 

I also reckon our 4 cats wouldnt be too happy either lol

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Honestly Ahsoka, your best bet is to get in touch with your closest GIC as soon as possible and/or look for a counsellor who has training dealing with the LGBT+ community. (when I started questioning I chose someone who offered online meetings) That way you can be heard and discuss your thoughts and feelings and then possibly find a way to move forwards with your partner too. The NHS is free but incredibly slow, so you will be waiting for a long time regardless of what happens in the next few years.

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@Ahsoka23 Sometimes you just need to have those conversations, even if they seem impossible.  If everyone keeps their mouth shut things will just fester and turn into resentment.  Last year I came out to my wife and gave her way too much information all at once and it made everything way harder than it needed to be.  Here's my best advice for an early discussion from having to go through a very similar things with my wife, kids and close family within the last year:

 

First, Sit down and figure out what needs to be said right now.  Don't look way into the future at things like possible surgeries, or anything like that.  What do you need right now and maybe in the next couple months.  Write it down, read it and revise it as you wrap your head around it.  This will help you get your points clear in your head and allow you to not get off into the weeds later.  This becomes something resembling an agenda for when you actually talk.  It's not a script, it's just a list of talking points to help you stay on task.

 

Second, schedule a time to talk about it.  Don't ambush her in the kitchen or on the couch, don't spring it on her after dinner.  Tell her you need to talk about this and would like to set a specific day and time to discuss it.  Maybe even say I need you for 1 hour or 30 minutes or whatever.  Keep the time limit reasonable, you can always talk again later.  You might even suggest she put together a short list of things she needs to talk about as well so it is more of a 2 way street.

 

Third, when you do get together stick to your "agenda" and try not to get off into the weeds.  During those early conversations keep things simple and don't get into heavy details.  Do your best not to get defensive, stay calm and let her speak if she has things to say (this is hard, but hang in there).  If either of you starts getting really upset, find a way to wrap things up and revisit topics later.  You don't want either of you to be upset during one of these conversations because people can lash out when upset in ways that are hard to take back later.

 

In my case, eventually we had a weekly conversation scheduled for the first few months so we could stay on top of things. Before taking these steps most of our "conversations" were really just fights and things were said that I think both of us regretted eventually.  I gave her way too much information about certain things way too soon and that got her worried about a lot of stuff that honestly are still way in the future if they even happen at all.  Plus despite all the evidence of my gender issues "leaking through" that I presented during those initial conversations she was surprised by the whole thing and felt blindsided by it, much like how you described your wife.  Eventually I learned to read the room a bit better so when I finally came out to my parents for example, I knew better than to give them too many details all at once so even though I was telling them I was trans and generally what that meant, I waited to worry about things like pronouns, preferred name, etc. until they had time to let the first big picture stuff sink in.

 

None of this is to say things are perfect with my partner, but things have gotten better because we took the time to talk.  Communication is key, but sometimes you have to have those difficult conversations and it can help to plan those conversations out rather than drop it on someone unexpectedly.

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20 hours ago, Ahsoka23 said:

That's a great idea, thank you :D



For sure! That's the way I came out to my parents about being a Little lmao. XD (If you don't know what a Little is...google CG/L releationships lol. A lot of my brain basically functions like a three-year-old's lmao.) Huge eye-opener to myself and my parents. Had no idea I wasn't the only kid on the planet who was like that, then discovered there's actually thousands of us lol. ...Wasn't until like a decade later that I learned the reason I was a Little was because I was trans and my violent, drunken, sexist father programmed my early childhood brain to see girls as babyish....So now I'm BOTH lmao. Thanks dad. ...God I hope he dies soon LOL. ?

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20 hours ago, Ahsoka23 said:

Unfortunately leaving is probably not possible. My wife has several mental and physical issues and I am basically her carer. I don't think she would last long if there wasn't someone here to check on her. The other reason is we have a young son who would be devastated if we spilt up. And on top of all that there's the fact that I love her very much and don't see my life without her.
 

I also reckon our 4 cats wouldnt be too happy either lol


...Well now I just feel like a bratty b***h lmao. ?

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  • 3 weeks later...

Thank you all for the advice. I'm not a big fan of change or confrontation and this is both so it's terrifying. But it needs to happen. 

And your not a B***h at all @Nora :P

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Keeping a balance between wanting to go forward with transition and holding back for my wife's sake.  We've been married 16 years.  She's accepting and supportive to a point.  But she has drawn the line at me going on HRT or any other form of transition.  

 

I feel bad because she didn't sign up for this.  I wish I'd known this is who I am before I married her.  But I was oblivious.  I'm looking for a gender therapist and I'm hoping we can both go even if at separate times.  I know she needs to talk to someone, too.  She talks about grieving for the man she married.

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      That's kind of new to me too, the idea of "hun/honey" being a derogatory thing (I date back to the 1980's, FWIW, so I guess that makes me relatively old).   To me personally, it sounds like the kind of thing that's not so much about "what" someone says, and more about "how" they say it. I mean, I can certainly imagine "hun/honey" being used in a derogatory way, but I've never known it to be inherently derogatory. But that's just me. Maybe it could a regional thing?
    • swallow
      Hi Everyone,   Don't really know where to post this...🤔   I've been so busy the last 3 weeks helping with an Art Fair in LA.😓   Its been ups and downs at the job but I was very happy my boss gave me the opportunity since aside from film production, I have zero experience in the Art world.🤫   In between, I've almost lost lots of money for her and almost compromised her because I Copied everyone instead of Blind copied.😣   But I managed to salvage the situations ...what I'd deem as taking a -crap- and coming out smelling like roses.🤭   During the Art show I found I was rather more in my element.😌   I was of course still employing a male voice and had soon established an effective control on the floor crew, started to whip things into action albeit still in a gentle non Alpha male feminine lead by example, organize and encourage manner.😊   But the girls in the office and everyone still gendered me as male and called me He or Sir.   Partly this was because I had told my boss that she should use whatever was more natural in terms of pronouns for both her and everyone-else and not make much issue of it.   Of course it still bothered me deep down.😔   Anyway come show days I got a bit more bold with my dress sense.   I had feminine clothing on the entire pre-production but I shed inhibition and started first to wear a frilly see through black blouse and waist high paperbag Khaki trouser on the first day. I elected for trousers since we went full day and into the night and I needed full mobility across the show floor.   But as the show days progress, I was assign partially to a more sedentary paced Door Bitch duty at the VIP lounge for some periods.   So I decided it was time for the dresses😬   Second day I worse a knee length black dress with tassles down the front and Khaki Maryjanes   Third Day I was back in a suit (Female cut)   Fourth day I went full Pink to match the Fuschia VIP Lounge with an ode to Molly Ringwold Pretty in Pink (Meets Korean style...as I was told by some Korean Gallerist)   Final day I had a deep green long dress with a lime green belt and sneakers plus a Retro short crop sand brown duster jacket.   Anyway on that day, I was busy trying to coral people into a talk at an Italian Gallery by a famous Italian Street Artist when my colleagues suddenly called me into the gallery.   I was wondering what emergency could have happened this time...   ...instead the artist then proceeded to point at a new piece of work (Featuring two frogs in suits graffitied)...and then announced that this new work was inspired by me being brave enough to be me.   It was rather touching.☺️   As the final last days progress, I noticed many of the Gallerist started to refer to me in the feminine as well, with 'What's up girl?" or if I was in with my female colleagues "here come the girls".   I even got a bouquet from the Lead painter who bought all the 'girls' flowers🤗   Of course there were still some floor crew who preferred to address me as "Sir" even if I was blatantly in a dress but it did not feel purposeful.   What to me felt interesting was how things turned when I forced the issue with the dresses.   I don't think my female colleagues were expecting me to come in in dress.   There was all their pre-opening night chatter about what they were each going to wear for the event but I wasn't asked and felt somewhat excluded.🙄   That I chose to wear blouse and pants kept any issue with me under lid.   But you should have seen the reaction the next day when I swooped in (all natural) in my black dress.   To her credit the floor boss immediately greeted me with "And how are you today girl?"   Anyway I seem to have made a mark on the little event with my dressing. Apparently I am more than on point and they loved the colour combinations felt I brought a spark to the proceedings.   Inside, I just felt I was being myself really. I would have liked to have had a more female range voice but I had been working with these people before meeting them in person over the phone in male voice so was unsure if I wanted to go female voice and throw such a strong curve ball at them (make it an unnecessary other issue from the work)   But they must have had somewhat of a shock anyway when they first met me in person with my long hair and quite obvious female clothing.😁   You should have seen the looks when I walked the floor in dresses.   Hopefully this is a positive strike for us all? I like to think so. Small steps forward.                    
    • Ticket For Epic
      I'd hate to have to drop that from my vocabulary.  Don't get me wrong, I would to keep from offending anyone but it would be disappointing.   I heard this from someone in their mid 20's, so perhaps it's newish in the younger crowd or perhaps just their local area.  Thanks for your feedback.
    • Carolyn Marie
      I've never heard that "term of endearment" to be considered a slur, whether aimed towards a trans person or a cis-person..  I've never seen it used that way in anything I've read or heard.  But I suppose anything is possible.   Carolyn Marie
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