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What is your most difficult struggle with being trans, parent/spouse/sign. other of someone trans?


Heather Shay

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7 hours ago, DianaW said:

Keeping a balance between wanting to go forward with transition and holding back for my wife's sake.  We've been married 16 years.  She's accepting and supportive to a point.  But she has drawn the line at me going on HRT or any other form of transition.  

 

I feel bad because she didn't sign up for this.  I wish I'd known this is who I am before I married her.  But I was oblivious.  I'm looking for a gender therapist and I'm hoping we can both go even if at separate times.  I know she needs to talk to someone, too.  She talks about grieving for the man she married.

I think this is the way it is for a great many of us. I've been married for over 50 years. I started taking transitioning stuff without telling her. I think that made it easier for me when I came out to her. Then it wasn't a question of me starting HRT. It was a question of what is safest for me to take. I'm not suggesting that this is what you should do though. Starting this way caused HUGE trust issues, a lot more than if I would have talked with her about it beforehand. Communication has always been a big problem with me. I'm learning how to now. Since then, every step I take is a huge step for her to accept, almost game ending for us. It's a delicate balance between my moving forward and holding back to wait for her acceptance. My spouse is in end stages of autoimmune pancreatitis. She was born with it. She is never below level 4 pain even with heavy pain meds. We're alike in that I didn't figure myself out till recently. Not till after I retired and had more time to dwell on things. My spouse didn't sign up for this either. It will never be the way it was between us, but we are working through it. 

I wish you well. Hang in there. Don't give up. You deserve to be happy with yourself. I don't regret transitioning at all. I am so much happire now. I can never go back to who I was.

Hugs.

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@DianaW I thought I was reading my own entry except I've been married 28 years and my wife is in the same mindset. We just had an explosion yesterday with me on HRT for nearing a year and a half. Just finally found a separate therapist she plans to see. I have an incredible therapist and I must say find one you like as soon as you can because it is vital for you.

Best

Heather

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My wife initially set a boundary at “no surgery” but has since changed her mind, or become resigned to that surgery actually occurring. I discuss everything with her, but it is my decision. She has acknowledged that she has also changed during our 14 years together (she’s an aneurism survivor) and wants to continue our relationship as a lesbian couple. The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

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2 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

Yeah, i'm in the same situation. It's tough. I just got put on the waiting list for GCS. It's going to be a one and a half to two year wait. My spouse was thinking she doesn't want to live long enough to be here when it happens. It repulses her to even think about being close to me as a woman. She's not lesbian. I had to reassure her that I can live without sex. My being trans puts her between a rock and a hard place. She can't support herself and is dependent on my health care. Basically i'm an in home nurse for her. My being trans really hurts her, but she understands I had no control over what I am and wants me to be happy. We love each other deeply, and have spent most of our lives together. We basically grew up together.

This is a cruel joke on both of us. ?

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my wife is still talking but deeply hurt and she is dependent on my financials because she couldnt work due to fibromylia. shes stuck but i dont even consider that a hostage situation. i changed name and birth cert but am willing to change just the old name because of estate planning and bank accounts. thats as far as i can go but i really want to have the surgery and had to cancel consult with only surgeon who I know that entertains medicare - canceled due to wife not being on board yet. being an old fart of 69, i think of not having that much time remaining to be eligible for surgery and it hurts me deeply.

so @Jamie68 and @Erica Gabriel- that's at least 3 of us with a cruel joke ?

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4 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

my wife is still talking but deeply hurt and she is dependent on my financials because she couldnt work due to fibromylia. shes stuck but i dont even consider that a hostage situation. i changed name and birth cert but am willing to change just the old name because of estate planning and bank accounts. thats as far as i can go but i really want to have the surgery and had to cancel consult with only surgeon who I know that entertains medicare - canceled due to wife not being on board yet. being an old fart of 69, i think of not having that much time remaining to be eligible for surgery and it hurts me deeply.

so @Jamie68 and @Erica Gabriel- that's at least 3 of us with a cruel joke ?

I'll be 69 in December. I think if you keep yourself in good shape then age shouldn't matter. Keep your spirits up. There's still hope. 

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5 hours ago, Jamie68 said:

I'll be 69 in December. I think if you keep yourself in good shape then age shouldn't matter. Keep your spirits up. There's still hope. 

 

Seriously, the healthiest person I know is 69. Keep your health and your spirits up.

 

Hugs!

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15 hours ago, Erica Gabriel said:

The sad thing is, or really the thing that is hard for me to deal with is that she is very dependent on me. She doesn’t earn a living wage, has no credit, and long ago gave up helping to manage our finances. I feel that she is trapped and her support for me is due to not having any other choice. This breaks my heart.

 

I think there might be another angle....your wife has total trust in you. You've been there for her the enitre time, a solid rock. So much so she probably feels that if you need to do something like correcting this dysphoria we all live with, you should do it...and everything will be OK because it always has been. 

 

M.

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If there was an edit option, I'd have to change my answer, things at home are getting better enough that I'd have to say it's probably my wife's sister that who is most difficult now. It took longer than the year I was hoping for with my wife when things turned sour, and still could be better, but it's so much better than it was in the spring and a lot of the summer.

 

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1 hour ago, RhondaS said:

If there was an edit option, I'd have to change my answer, things at home are getting better enough that I'd have to say it's probably my wife's sister that who is most difficult now. It took longer than the year I was hoping for with my wife when things turned sour, and still could be better, but it's so much better than it was in the spring and a lot of the summer.

 

That's good to hear. Sometimes when we're in the thich of things, we don't see the improvements. We have to pause and reflect. I remember when it was almost a  "game over" when I changed my name. Now she almost always calles me Jamie.

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Hesitating to be out & proud as nonbinary because it almost always requires so much explanation. Tempering dysphoria induced by being gendered binary requires energy expenditure, and having to explain myself does too. Individually being a conduit to challenge others to change the paradigm of their thinking about gender (let alone pronouns) seems an uncomfortable role for myself; I imagine myself a burden to others in that case. While I'm an ally and activist for the disenfranchised in general, I'm not comfortable being so for myself, personally. 

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I now know what the most difficult part of transitioning is. It's the loss of family after hearing them tell you they will support your decision only to be lying to you and thinking it is not real and you can't  possibly be transgender. And at the point when what they are hoping to see you forget who you truly are they turn their backs on you because you didn't decide to make them happy by going back to the life that did nothing but made you depressed on a daily basis. This is now happening to me. Leaving me with a feeling of abandonment. The loss of family not to dying but fir being truthful to who you are. 

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My biggest obstacle has been dealing with my mother. She has very conservative beliefs, and uses religion to justify them. I moved back in with her after her breast cancer came back to help with stuff around the house, and to contribute financially. I can't just leave because I want to make sure she is taken care of. I can't wait put off transition any longer. I can't help but feel guilty for putting her through this while she is already going through so much herself. I know I shouldn't blame myself, that it is her choice, that there are no magic words that will change her mind. That all I can do is my best to be myself, and hope for the best. It is hard having the patience to be patient.

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1 hour ago, Xrystiana said:

I know I shouldn't blame myself, that it is her choice, that there are no magic words that will change her mind.

You are correct to know you can't blame yourself. You didn't choose to be you just as no one on this planet chose to be who they are. I know how it feels to have religion thrown in your face like if they do this you will act as they want you to. My mom started doing just that and I had to make a hard decision to sever communication with her for a while with hopes she might have a change of heart. I don't see her getting any change of heart as your mom may not as well. Creating distance isn't something we want to do but sometimes you might have to.

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7 hours ago, Mia Marie said:

It's the loss of family after hearing them tell you they will support your decision only to be lying to you and thinking it is not real and you can't  possibly be transgender.

 

This absolutely infuriates me. If you choose to have children you're signing up for a kid who has autism, a kid who is LGBTQ+, a kid with disabilities, etc... YOU chose to roll those dice and there is exactly one immutable rule: Love your kids. Kids are supposed to grow up into individuals. They're not cupcakes. You don't get to throw them away if they don't come out exactly how you want.

 

ARGH! There are too many people in this world who want to have kids but are absolutely unsuited to become parents.

 

Both of you deserve so much better.

 

Hugs!

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I read all these comments and feel such kindred spirits surrounding me here and it truly is my lifeline.

I feel all alone in the middle of a crowd and it hurts deeply.

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Early in my life as myself i felt alone.  I somehow wasn't comfortable with others who were not trans.  I didn't seem to fit with either the men or women.  Today time has given me the gift of dancing comfortably with either gender.  After all i seem to realize i'm a bit of both having experienced life as both male and female.  I belong everywhere.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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1 hour ago, Charlize said:

After all i seem to realize i'm a bit of both having experienced life as both male and female.  I belong everywhere.

This is true.  Our past doesn't simply disappear.

Maybe we move into a bigger place?

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1 hour ago, Jandi said:

 Our past doesn't simply disappear.

So true. My spouse doesn't get why I still have some of the same interests that I had when I was male to everyone. I love tinkering with things. I was a sheet metal worker for over 40 years. I've always loved making stuff. Most of you have eaten food from Kraft foods, General Mills, Wrigley foods, and many more food plants where their products went through a chute that I personally made, or was protected by a guard or cover to keep dust out of the products. That's part of my life i'm proud of. 

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Glad you are proud of your work. I worked as Industrial engineer and Quality Engineer and the only satisfactions I got were 1) money to live on, 2) time spent with workers on the floor who shared their hopes and dreams. As far as mgt - never liked them and my last job I reported the the CEO who was the worst human being I'd ever met. I still get horror flashes thinking of the so called person.

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1 hour ago, Heather Shay said:

Glad you are proud of your work. I worked as Industrial engineer and Quality Engineer and the only satisfactions I got were 1) money to live on, 2) time spent with workers on the floor who shared their hopes and dreams. As far as mgt - never liked them and my last job I reported the the CEO who was the worst human being I'd ever met. I still get horror flashes thinking of the so called person.

Well, most of our work came through engineers. If it wasn't for you people we wouldn't have the good quality of products we enjoy today. I would imagine that 99% of the people here has affected all of us in some positive way. There are NO unimportant jobs. ?

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

There are NO unimportant jobs. 

Yes. I once shoveled manure. It was on a dairy farm—a beautiful family farm. The farmer was a giant, an ex-pro football player and a Salish man from First Nations. But he treated me, an anorexic fifteen-year-old, like a baby lamb who could discuss Russian literature. Best father I ever had. The milk was the best I've ever—but the fresh raspberry ice cream? To die for. But I didn't.

 

— Davie

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

There are NO unimportant jobs.

As has been demonstrated in the past+ year.  Funny who turns out to be "essential" after all.

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