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In a dark place and feel I have no true friends who care


Tariane90

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Hi all I keep thinking that I’m going to post more often but I’ve been so distracted with life and it’s nonsense. I just need support and people who care and can relate. I’m not specifically looking for advice but it is welcome I just need to genuinely be heard. I’m so stressed out and filled with worry and anxiety. It really feels like no one around me cares to even ask how I’m doing in the slightest. I’ve checked on people who claim to care and they always don’t seem to reciprocate it back to me. I’m not asking for a lot I just need time and care like anyone else and no matter how hard I try it’s like it doesn’t matter. I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore at this point . Going through my transition in this world of ignorance and indifference is so hard and I don’t know why it has to be this way. I have not changed except I’m living in my truth why is that such a bad thing? I don’t understand people and their judgements. I’m so over it it seems like I’m trapped in this negative cycle of rejection, and being ignored. I’m sorry if this is all over the place but I’m just burnt out. 

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Hi Marianne! I so relate to being distracted with life & it's nonsense. Today I'm adjusting to a night time focused schedule, so I'm in this fog not really able to get motivated to do anything. It's okay as I'm trying to make the most of it & relax. I know what you mean about reaching out & the other being so wrapped up in themselves it feels like putting your hand out for a handshake & left hanging. So today I try to give without expecting anything in return. It works most of the time. For all other times coming to this forum has always been a boost for me.

 

You mentioned you felt worry & anxiety. Your post has several areas that would do that. What is it that makes you feel so?

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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It seems that I’ve been completely blow off by people I know and the only thing I can think of is it’s because I’m living my truth. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. Being who you are is not choice obviously but I do try to be a good person as I can be I’m not perfect and have made mistakes, I’ve also lost several family members who passed and I just came out of two very toxic relationships. I’m not blaming anyone for my pain but the ones who were around before it’s as though now that I’m grieving they can’t even offer a listening ear or care to check in or if I reach out nothing and I’m confused as to why that is. Not even an explanation or a go to hell nothing 

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Tariane, I'm saddened for your loss. While breaking up in any relationship hurts, I think we're better off when toxic ones are best in the rearview mirror. As you, I didn't choose to be a woman trapped in a man's body, but I am. It took me over 45 years to accept me as me, I'm so glad I did. I wished others would accept me too, but that's their deal not mine. The saying, "If you love someone set them free, if they comes back to you they're yours, if not they never were," can apply to family & friendship too.

 

You & the people on this forum are those friends, who even if we never meet in person share a common journey & experiences who accept & understand me just as I am, even if the rest of the world doesn't.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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Thank you Delcina I appreciate your insight I forget sometimes to not let it get to me it’s been very stressful and I have overwhelmed i feel I made the right decision my allowing myself to go through with transitioning I guess I’ve let outside influences get the best of me and I’m still working on that it’s been quite a journey for me 

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Tariane, I hear you and I want you to know everyone on this forum hears you too.  Consider us confidants and supporters. 

 

I'm not making excuses for anyone around you, it's sad they don't have time for you, but we live in a society where almost everyone is wrapped up in their own worlds.  Not enough of us take the time to stop, look around and observe how others are doing.  Hopefully, we can bring empathy back into our society. Until then, we have to look out for ourselves and one of the best things you've done for yourself is to seek out this forum.  Keep talking and we will all keep listening. 

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You are certainly not alone Tariane.  The fact that you are here sharing your difficulties helps me know i'm not alone.  Hopefully you will soon be able to share happiness as well as sadness.  I know my life is made up of both and sharing my journey with others helps lessens the bad while somehow it increases the  joy!

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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Tariane, Here's a song Davie shared, called Love Out Loud by Ruby Amanfu, it was a day when I really needed a boost. I hope you enjoy it as much as I do.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

 

 

 

 

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Hi Tariane, I'm not sure if this helps but I find people can simply be bewildered by gender issues and sometimes simply go silent out of an inability to grasp the concepts involved. I don't think -- in my case, at least -- there is anything intrinsically judgemental in their reactions, it's just that they are scared to speak. They don't want to do harm, I think. Or maybe their brains freeze up. They don't know how to process the information. It's been eye-opening to me that what seem such natural feelings are actually not shared by a majority of people.

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On 9/4/2021 at 10:47 AM, Tariane90 said:

Hi all I keep thinking that I’m going to post more often but I’ve been so distracted with life and it’s nonsense. I just need support and people who care and can relate. I’m not specifically looking for advice but it is welcome I just need to genuinely be heard. I’m so stressed out and filled with worry and anxiety. It really feels like no one around me cares to even ask how I’m doing in the slightest. I’ve checked on people who claim to care and they always don’t seem to reciprocate it back to me. I’m not asking for a lot I just need time and care like anyone else and no matter how hard I try it’s like it doesn’t matter. I feel like I don’t know what to do anymore at this point . Going through my transition in this world of ignorance and indifference is so hard and I don’t know why it has to be this way. I have not changed except I’m living in my truth why is that such a bad thing? I don’t understand people and their judgements. I’m so over it it seems like I’m trapped in this negative cycle of rejection, and being ignored. I’m sorry if this is all over the place but I’m just burnt out. 

I'm just throwing this out. I have a F2M friend that I've known for most of my life. He's very bright and well educated. For the sake of this discussion and for clarity I will refer to him and an XX male and M2F are XY females. When my friend transitioned the testosterone pretty much did the whole thing. The only surgery was breast reduction. Like nearly every XX person I know my friend was plagued by anxiety ane his coping mechanism was substances. After the first testosterone injection the anxiety VANISHED. Anxiety is an awful thing and XX individuals suffer more from than XY ones. 

 

Are your T levels lower than they once were and are your E levels higher than they once were?

 

Being with XX family members especially ones who have a hormonal cycle the fluctuations in mood are tough to keep up with. With my first wife it became predictable and I was sometimes able to adapt and other times I'd make myself scarce.

 

I'm guessing that you do have people who love you very much but perhaps you feel at times as though they don't. Nobody can understand us 100% or even 50% and love ain't perfect. A lot of XY folks in relationships with XX folks are at a loss to understand their XX partner. My bother in law was so frustrated by my sister that now he hides from her.  She turned to booze and prescription drugs and weed. The weed chills her out some.  My mother suffered from narcissistic anxiety and my father dealt with it by putting on big band music and dancing her around the kitchen. It calmed and distracted her.

 

I would guess that part of the reasons for suicides of M2F folks may have something to do with low T and high E. Symptoms of low T are anxiety and depression. 

 

I'm sensing a lot of despair in your post. Keep in mind that life is dynamic and things can change for the better. Look at it like this. IMO men in the know, appreciate XY females as to XX females. The collective IQ of the US is 99. On average Americans are not the sharpest cheddar but consider this you will find friends who appreciate you. This journey is something you will survive and you will come out it with gifts and insight that you would not have normally. Some worthwhile person or persons will go to the mat for you. Get through this rough patch and collect your rewards.

 

 

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@Tariane90 thank you so much for being willing to be vulnerable. You are saying things that many people feel but maybe are afraid to express. You’re stronger than you think you are!

 

in a sense it seems to me that you are the exact opposite of those “uncaring” souls. If you didn’t care so much I think maybe you wouldn’t feel the way you do. 
 

i love ❤️ love the words of encouragement and affirmation on this forum. I know girls who have been alienated by their family and have deep seated anxieties as a result. All they want is to hear someone say “I’m in your corner. You can count on me. I’ll go to bat for you.” How hard is that?! 
 

well you have hundreds of people in your corner now. Hold your chin up. Look the world  in the eye. You go girl!

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@Tariane90 may caring, loving & accepting people will come into your life. Sometimes we find ourselves shedding not only the armour that kept us "safe" and prevented our true selves from shining through, but also people with whom we associated who turn out not to be able to see us for who we really are once we determine to break free. It can seem shocking and very sad. You will grieve, but you will grow. And as you work towards a happier experience of life, you will necessarily attract happy and loving people to you. You are seen, and you are not alone. 

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On 9/6/2021 at 9:33 PM, Sometimes Chrissie said:

I'm just throwing this out. I have a F2M friend that I've known for most of my life. He's very bright and well educated. For the sake of this discussion and for clarity I will refer to him and an XX male and M2F are XY females. When my friend transitioned the testosterone pretty much did the whole thing. The only surgery was breast reduction. Like nearly every XX person I know my friend was plagued by anxiety ane his coping mechanism was substances. After the first testosterone injection the anxiety VANISHED. Anxiety is an awful thing and XX individuals suffer more from than XY ones. 

 

Are your T levels lower than they once were and are your E levels higher than they once were?

 

Being with XX family members especially ones who have a hormonal cycle the fluctuations in mood are tough to keep up with. With my first wife it became predictable and I was sometimes able to adapt and other times I'd make myself scarce.

 

I'm guessing that you do have people who love you very much but perhaps you feel at times as though they don't. Nobody can understand us 100% or even 50% and love ain't perfect. A lot of XY folks in relationships with XX folks are at a loss to understand their XX partner. My bother in law was so frustrated by my sister that now he hides from her.  She turned to booze and prescription drugs and weed. The weed chills her out some.  My mother suffered from narcissistic anxiety and my father dealt with it by putting on big band music and dancing her around the kitchen. It calmed and distracted her.

 

I would guess that part of the reasons for suicides of M2F folks may have something to do with low T and high E. Symptoms of low T are anxiety and depression. 

 

I'm sensing a lot of despair in your post. Keep in mind that life is dynamic and things can change for the better. Look at it like this. IMO men in the know, appreciate XY females as to XX females. The collective IQ of the US is 99. On average Americans are not the sharpest cheddar but consider this you will find friends who appreciate you. This journey is something you will survive and you will come out it with gifts and insight that you would not have normally. Some worthwhile person or persons will go to the mat for you. Get through this rough patch and collect your rewards.

 

 

I’m sorry I was a bit confused by your post. Are you asking if my e levels are low? I’m mtf 

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21 hours ago, Tariane90 said:

I’m sorry I was a bit confused by your post. Are you asking if my e levels are low? I’m mtf 

I'll clarify. Hormones affect mood differently in different people. PMS and PMDD are hormone related for instance.

 

Estrogen dominance can cause mood disorders. HRT can be tricky. Hormone balance is important for physical and mental health.

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