Just thinking aloud. Genderfluid?

[Ea]

Hi. So. I thought I'd sign up here, since I kind of need to figure things out about my whole gender thing ? I've only started questioning things this year, ever since a childhood friend came out as nonbinary and it nudged at something in me I seem to have ignored for a looong time. I only admitted to myself I was starting to properly question things last March or so. I'm AFAB, and have for the longest time just gone with it, because it's easy and I do feel like it matches... sometimes. Maybe. I feel like I'm trying to work through all kinds of mental blocks while processing this, because I grew up in an environment that, while not completely hostile towards different orientations and stuff, still had the strongest expectation to conform. Thinking back, as a kid, I don't think I felt any strong connection towards either gender I knew of, back then. I felt some form of anxiety about my identity, while gaslighting myself to think nothing was going on, the whole of my teenage years, and felt immensely relieved upon moving away from my hometown, "turning a new leaf" and so on.

The thing is, I have been in such a ball of knots about these things that now everything feels loose and odd. For example, I seem to have a huge mental block around even considering I might have a masculine side, too, even though lately I've started to recognize it might be there exactly because this is what I've always felt, somewhere inside. I seem to be floating in this direction and that on the scale between "man" and "woman", and, hmm, rarely reaching either side completely? Yes, some days, I feel completely fine and confident with being a woman. But some days, when I try to think of my gender, there just... isn't anything. Like the whole thought of a gender identity disappeared somewhere. Sometimes I seem to be just floating somewhere in between, only slightly masculine or feminine or a combination of the two... Then there are days like today, that I feel quite a strong discomfort towards my voice and body, and wish I looked more like a man. In other words, my gender seems to be all over the place. I've tried binding, and it does help on days like these. I even have some clothes from the men's section now, too, another thing that I had a huge block with, but now feel relieved, crossing the "boundary". I guess I have had all sorts of internalized phobias to wade through, and am starting to get better with it.

To make it more complicated, I am an aromantic asexual, and have wondered if that has any effect on my perception of gender, although I'm starting to be convinced it can't be just that, either. It's just so confusing, to feel differently depending on the week or even day, and every time my gender fluctuates(?) I almost convince myself the other gender was fake and this is what it really is... until it changes again. Just this constant nagging of "you're making it up again". I've been educating myself on nonbinary, genderqueer etc. identities, and I'm not even sure if I want an exact label or anything, but I'm wondering if my experience counts as genderfluid? I would appreciate some input and other points of view, if anyone's interested to share

[Davie]

@Ea

That's a lot of deep thinking there and it's got to lead you to what's true for you. These are things that are taking time for me to figure out, too. But asking the right questions is bringing me closer to clarity all the time. Someone told me I don't have to some ultimate answers to these questions, but to focus on what is right for me today. It's easier for me to get better answers in the short term. Good luck with your path.

hugs,

Davie

[Ivy]

Welcome Ea.

There are plenty of people like you here.

[Lee H]

Hi Ea

Your post was at the beginning of Sept, and now it's close to the end, so I don't know if you're still watching for replies, but here's mine --

 

I understand "gender" as a spectrum, from male on one end to female on the other. We're all somewhere along that spectrum; no one is wholly one or the other.

 

I learn from my gender therapist [GT], an attractive cis woman, that she feels more or less feminine at times -- All of us vacillate, I think. At the time of this writing, I feel more toward the masculine side, but have no explanation as to why. I've been way over on the feminine side at times, and I'm hoping I will again.

 

So, for what it's worth, that's my experience so far.

 

~~With a hug, from Lee~~

[Davie]

Yes. Thanks for adding a voice. I see for myself that there is a lot of safety and acceptance in the diversity of situations and identities here. Helps me in my own search and acceptance, as well. Learning all the time, but mainly I'm discovering so much of my feminine side that I once repressed. Change is hard, but also rewarding .  .  . with understanding and a bit of happiness.

 

--Davie

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Ea. Sorry I missed your post when you first made it. You still around? I'm nonbinary and a panromantic asexual and I also ponder the connection between the two for myself. I don't think there's necessarily a correction generally speaking. That is, I don't think gender diverse individuals are more or less likely to be asexual (or aromantic). But for me, I feel there is some connection. I suspect any attempt to elaborate would bring us to the realm of TMI, lol. 

[justlauren]

Basically everything you've written above is where I was at about 9 months ago. Get ready for a fun ride!

 

Sending you a DM.