Sudden Fear and Doubt?

[Nora]

So I started HRT over seven months ago, and before starting, I of course did some deep soul-searching and spent about six months in therapy, (still seeing the same gender therapist). So I was like 90% sure I was trans when I started HRT; probably closer to 95%. My therapist though said he's 100% sure I'm trans because I not only actually showed up to the appointment when he suggested I go see his go-to local HRT provider, but I also decided to go through with it lol. For him, that was the moment he knew for sure I was trans and not just questioning/curious, because other clients he's had that he sent to the clinic decided not to go through with it afterwards, and they decided that they were more comfortable with their assigned gender at birth.

That seemed like a pretty good indicator to me as well when I brought up some of my lingering doubts and fears to him. It's like, consciously, I know I'm a girl, but subconsciously, I still feel like a boy because I was raised as a boy and spent the first half of my twenties as a boy lol. Albeit kind of a girly boy lol. I got beat up a lot until my dad forced me to get combat training from his ex-military buddies lol. Suddenly the local thugs decided it was too much of an occupational hazard to go after that autistic sissy boy down the street anymore. It kinda weirded me out lol. Back then I couldn't understand that bullies are cowards and that's why they stopped coming after me; in my brain, I just assumed they'd simply lost interest because it just wasn't as fun for them as it was when I didn't beat the crap out of them; I had NO IDEA that they were actually afraid lol. A lotta things kinda "go over my head". XD

Anyway...I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror the other day while getting dressed; long brown hair, sports bra, panties, breasts...and I kinda had a silent freak out lol. I guess I just hadn't really noticed how much I've changed over the past year. Suddenly I started questioning and second guessing myself all over again, terrified that I might be making a horrible mistake, EVEN THOUGH I've been regularly assessing myself and my emotions and whether I want to keep going, and so far, I've always concluded that yes; I was on the right track to get to where I want to be. Right NOW, I'm still convinced that I'm on the right track and don't have much fear or doubt about it; it was just that morning the other day that I was kinda freaking out and doubting myself, which was like, the WORST time to feel that kind of fear and doubt because I'm well beyond the point of no-return; if I wanted to de-transition, I'd have to have my breasts cut off. That idea horrifies me lol. I'm doing WAY better right now though; I'm not consciously having any doubts or fear.....but clearly my subconscious is totally spazzing out lol.

Have others here also had lingering doubts and fears well-after starting transition? Is this like, totally normal and I'm just being silly? Please tell me I'm just being silly LOL. XD

[Heather Shay]

@Nora I've been on HRT for a year and a half and have had doubts. That is perfectly normal. My therapist utilizes ACT - Acceptance Commitment Therapy - it helps you learn to accept that the "dictator within", the one that keeps putting doubts in your head and to thank your mind but not let thoughts control or dominate you. You make room for them as ALL humans do have these types of internal warnings that cause you issues but like passing clouds, they come and go and THAT'S ALRIGHT - thank you mind for telling you things and go on with your day. 

 

Here is a couple good videos that Dr. Z (Gender Specialist offered that may be of help). She also has several videos involving doubt at the stage you are at now. Although you are a bit younger, the principles are still the same.

 

[Heather Shay]

one more good one

 

 

 

[Nora]

Omg thank you so much Shay! My therapist also specializes in ACT but we haven't really gone into it much because I sorta already was pretty accepting of myself and committed to transitioning when we first met, but I might have to ask him more about ACT next week lol.

[Nora]

I'm thinking a lot of my fears are coming from the social aspects of transitioning. If I could wake up fully transitioned tomorrow, after the panic attack, I'd be super happy and fine with it LOL. It's the journey getting to that point and the potential ridicule and abuse I might face when it's no longer feasible or possible to hide under baggy clothing that REALLY scares me lol.

[Heather Shay]

Another good benefit of ACT - not focussing on past or future and learning to be more in the moment. 

 

 

 

[Nora]

I focus WAY too much on a particular trauma of my past, and my future revenge against the one responsible for said trauma LOL. XD
 

[Heather Shay]

Yes - I've had a couple past traumas and understand - ACT can help with that.

[Kathy2020]

@Nora I think everyone who is gender-incongruent and in a transitioning situation has those occasional moments of panic and self-doubt... which means its pretty normal. Its when those feelings don't subside in a short amount of time and become overwhelming that they can be damaging and throw people into a tail spin. The videos by Dr. Z shared by @Shay will help you understand what is going on in your head, but also talk with your own therapist about the specific triggers that set you off. From my own experience, its the triggers that help me pinpoint things I am most anxious about, consciously or subconsciously, and they have changed over time. When it happens, I treat it like a little wake-up call to deal with a specific issue, and when I do, I feel better overall. I hope that helps! ?