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MTF transitioning with family and job.


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hi everyone! I am the partner/support person for my husband who has made the brave decision to begin transitioning MTF. We are in our 30s and have two children. Their job is very demanding and definitely not a safe environment for transition. We are trying to navigate ALOT of stress with little to no support. We are just trying to find others who may be in a similar situation for some support. 
I appreciate from the bottom of my heart all and any support/advice/etc. 

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  • Forum Moderator

@Mroz welcome. First of all I think it is amazing and brings a tear to my eye that you are also brave in deciding to support your spouse. It is extremely important and means so much that your are willing to take this journey together. You've found a wonderful supportive group here and the folks here are good listeners and give advice based on facts and personal experiences and most importantly on love.

Heather

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2 hours ago, Shay said:

@Mroz welcome. First of all I think it is amazing and brings a tear to my eye that you are also brave in deciding to support your spouse. It is extremely important and means so much that your are willing to take this journey together. You've found a wonderful supportive group here and the folks here are good listeners and give advice based on facts and personal experiences and most importantly on love.

Heather

Hi. Thank you! We can use any advice on adversity or difficulty that others have been through. When you are standing at the bottom of the mountain a lot of things may seem insurmountable, and I just want to give my spouse some encouragement that others have been through this and to keep on the path. 

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@Mroz Number 1 - PATIENCE. Number 2 - If you haven't found a therapist with gender background, find one, Number 3 - take everything very very slowly.

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@Mroz I feel like i have seen you around someplace else on the internet...  not to sound creepy, I just feel like I've seen the name somewhere before.

 

Anyway, I came out to my wife last summer and started medical transition over the winter.  My wife and I are in our 40s, have 2 kids, both work at the same place (where we are unsure how the news will eventually go over) and while I have sought a lot of support (therapist, support groups, etc.) my wife hasn't really made time for much of that on her end.  Naturally it has led to her really struggling with the realities of being married to someone transitioning and she beats herself up a bit for not being able to get over it.  Early on we went out of our way to make sure we talked a lot to make sure neither of us were trying to bottle anything up, but it's gotten away from us this year which causes issues.  I have had to learn the hard way that when one of us is upset it's super easy to say things that are counter-productive.

 

So I guess my initial advice is to make sure you're both talking to each other, make sure you're both finding some support somewhere (you're on the right track already, support for spouses seems very hard to come by!), and NEVER talk about transition stuff while emotional.  It's great to make sure you're having any difficult conversations, but make sure you choose times when you both can discuss things calmly.  I'd be happy to talk more if you want to over PM's, not sure how much wisdom I might be able to offer but it sounds like we're in similar situations.

 

All the best

Kelly

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Shay and Kelly2509 have virtually all that needs to be said. All that I can add is to keep communicating with each other and to nurture each other, and your children throughout this time of transition. And, it DOES take time. Lots of time, as I've found out. 

 

Remember that support comes from unlikely places--my stylist is one of my biggest supporters and has become a friend since I came out, and this was unexpected and surprising to me--while many members of my  immediate family disowned me. (Also a surprise.) 

 

Be strong, be yourselves and love each other.

 

Welcome! 

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1 hour ago, Kelly2509 said:

@Mroz I feel like i have seen you around someplace else on the internet...  not to sound creepy, I just feel like I've seen the name somewhere before.

 

Anyway, I came out to my wife last summer and started medical transition over the winter.  My wife and I are in our 40s, have 2 kids, both work at the same place (where we are unsure how the news will eventually go over) and while I have sought a lot of support (therapist, support groups, etc.) my wife hasn't really made time for much of that on her end.  Naturally it has led to her really struggling with the realities of being married to someone transitioning and she beats herself up a bit for not being able to get over it.  Early on we went out of our way to make sure we talked a lot to make sure neither of us were trying to bottle anything up, but it's gotten away from us this year which causes issues.  I have had to learn the hard way that when one of us is upset it's super easy to say things that are counter-productive.

 

So I guess my initial advice is to make sure you're both talking to each other, make sure you're both finding some support somewhere (you're on the right track already, support for spouses seems very hard to come by!), and NEVER talk about transition stuff while emotional.  It's great to make sure you're having any difficult conversations, but make sure you choose times when you both can discuss things calmly.  I'd be happy to talk more if you want to over PM's, not sure how much wisdom I might be able to offer but it sounds like we're in similar situations.

 

All the best

Kelly

Kelly thank you! This is my very first time even attempting to reach out to anyone so I guess I just picked a popular username? Haha!
I knew before we got married and had kids that this was something my spouse was struggling to move forward with, so the actual process of them transitioning is not upsetting to me. However, they have already lost the support of immediate family ( heartbreaking.)
I know that they worry about late in life transitioning and loss of some of the more masculine attributes that they are still very proud of in their life, but I think one of the biggest things is that my spouses job is not only very physically demanding, but also NOT accepting at all of this and could possibly be downright dangerous.
 

I could go on forever about all their concerns, I am just trying to show them that their is light at the end of the tunnel I guess.  I am so grateful for any advice. 
 

ps: I’m so awful at figuring out this stuff, how would I PM you? It would be nice to have another family we could look to for advice. Do you mind me asking how old your kids are? And what kind of job you work? 

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2 hours ago, Marcie Jensen said:

Shay and Kelly2509 have virtually all that needs to be said. All that I can add is to keep communicating with each other and to nurture each other, and your children throughout this time of transition. And, it DOES take time. Lots of time, as I've found out. 

 

Remember that support comes from unlikely places--my stylist is one of my biggest supporters and has become a friend since I came out, and this was unexpected and surprising to me--while many members of my  immediate family disowned me. (Also a surprise.) 

 

Be strong, be yourselves and love each other.

 

Welcome! 

Thank you! All these replies are so wonderful and supportive. I appreciate it more than you could ever know!! 

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Hi @Mroz Having some people to be supportive while thinking through what your partner needs to do is important.  I was fortunate that my sisters and mum have been very supportive, I was just approaching my 40th birthday when the male persona I had so carefully built crumbled around me. My early teen children have both been supportive (my 14yo son found it harder to understand than my 13yo daughter but both are supportive of me)

I will say that  we are very quick to assume worst case scenarios when it comes to transitioning publicly, I am nervous about coming out at work too, due to knowing I am in an area that will absolutely have backlash but I have told one or two people so far and they have been great, my intention is to move and socially transition somewhere a little more accepting. 

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@Mroz All the good advice and vibes above are spot on, and as you are probably finding out as a spouse / support person already, learning, listening, and empathy are all really important. When there is a new couple in my support group, I usually mention these things...

 

Everything about transitioning takes time for both partners, so do things in bite-sized portions and at a manageable pace. Make sure to give yourself mental breaks from transitioning too; don't let it become your whole world even though its a really big part of it now.

 

As a spouse / support partner, don't feel bad if some things just "don't sit right" anymore between you two. Some things can be accepted like getting used to snoring or conceding to the fact she spends way too much time gaming. Other things might take a little more creativity to overcome or are deal breakers. Just remember that neither of you are wrong, its just a question of compatibility. And believe it or not, we all change as we grow older, so compatibility questions will crop up eventually; you just hit the lottery this time!

 

Both of you should see a therapist, and I generally advise it being separate professionals. Your partner will be focusing on a lot of physical, social, and emotional issues of transitioning and will need a therapist well-versed in non-binary and gender-based topics. As a spouse / support partner, you will have a whole set of different issues usually starting with how to reconcile your own sense of self with a new reality you were not expecting, and how to do that while still being supportive of your partner.

 

Everything else is just going to happen for both of you, and no two transition stories are alike. Have a plan but don't over-plan, have goals but keep a flexible time table, and have some fun with it! For every "bad" story we all share about transitioning, there are at least two more good things that happen, so live for those moments! Good luck on your journey together!

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