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the backstory


stveee

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  Hi, my name is Stevie. I started "crossdressing" in early teens, maybe before, by cutting up my clothing. My parents would find piles of them and who knows what they thought. But I just had to do it. Then when I was 16 was the first time I tried on my older sister's tops. 

  My father suggested I join the Army after high school. I did and would buy clothes for my girlfriends and end up wearing them. I would engage in intimacy but stopped short of sex. I felt like my genitalia was not connected to my mind and felt no pleasure through it.

   While in the military I took to binge drinking and severe depression ensued. By the time of discharge, I was suicidal, had several attempts and detoxes. I was admitted into the VA hospital and the first two meds made me numb and psychosis developed. Then, I genuinely tried to take my own life.

Finally, a few years later, put on disability and took prozac for around 12 years which helped a bit. I met my first transgender (older transitioned MtF) persons in the VA and basically brought up the idea: why can't I be somewhere in the middle gender? Answer I got was basically Honey, that's not how it works. So facing a transition to female, I think I was 28 at the time, seemed like what I had to do. Or at least, try to live as much female as possible.

I ended up marrying because I was lonely and afraid I could not support myself, and she accepted my gender ID and crossdressing. But I was seeing no therapist, no hormones. Started electrolysis in this DIY attempt, and some kind of facial hormone cream which I didn't realize was all short-sighted. Early internet days, shoddy information, sketchy sites. 

The marriage was a disaster as there was abuse, drugs, alcohol and our individual psychological issues. Finally was separated, on my own and basically just existing. Using substances to cope. Dead to the world. Continued to keep a wardrobe and just managing the "dual life". 

Went through Vocational Rehab in a janitorial program to get back into work. Exterted myself and got the job I have today and making more than I ever did.

A few years, tossed my wardrobe (again)...oh, except a few things of course, and thinking the dysphoria will just go away now that I am older.

Nope.

 

Currrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. Accumulating another wardrobe. Really regret tossing my shoes and I had some really cool things.

I have the feeling of looking in the mirror and seeing a girl in there, buried under years of self-abuse. The fluidity is a bit precarious as the more I accept and go femme, the more alive I feel, like something is unfolding. 

But I am still quite boyish and discovering what fits for me right now and the my physical limitations and working with them I guess as I am not just confined to the closet and want to be seen for who I am...which is a work in progress I suppose. There are still things about me that I very much like and don't want to change, and others which seem to cause conflict. 

I get some comfort in realizing I do not necessarily have to be either one or the other gender right now, and it's more about how I feel about myself than passing or trying to live up to an ideal image. But sort of feel like a small minority as someone who has not gone through all the changes (yet?) of the transitioned, as I am still outing myself in small steps, in a small circle. I am naturally careful, but honest. I do not fear being hurt so much "out there", as I know from experience I am my own worst enemy and cause my own difficulties more than anyone could ever do. 

Thank you for letting me share. I actually hope this has helped someone else who is lurking. After all, "Normal People" don't go years struggling with questioning their gender- we are all Trans here and in different chapters of the same story. 

Love you All,

S.

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1 hour ago, stveee said:

After all, "Normal People" don't go years struggling with questioning their gender- we are all Trans here and in different chapters of the same story. 

Thank you for your bravery in sharing your story. It is very helpful!

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Thanks @stveee ! There are so many common threads in your story & mine. I kind of regret not thinking of feminizing my clothes, it would've given me a bigger wardrobe.

ICurrrently: finally ready to face myself, sober, and will begin with a gender therapist who is transitioned. Questioning whether I desire or need to transition to female. I was right there nine months ago, so happy to have found this forum, & a wonderful gender therapist. I too feel more alive & someone is unfolding on this journey into my femme.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Stvee.  I relate to much of your story.  I never had a sister and having to share a room with my brother rarely had to privacy to dress or modify clothing.  I certainly had my issues with alcohol and other drugs but have fortunately been sober for some time now thanks to AA.  

Enjoy your time here.  As i found that i wasn't alone and saw others living as themselves i found the strength to make my own journey.  Hopefully we are all helping each other.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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