Coming out…and self esteem

[VintageNat]

Hello everyone!

 

I wanted to see what the collective wisdom has to say on how coming out affects your self esteem. Currently I’m finding that my self esteem/resilience is quite low, and that I’m quite over-sensitive to certain things, not sure if they’re actually meant to be hostile towards me or just coincidence. I’m some months into HRT, laser, and I’m out to my wife and kids and so far things are stable at home. At work though I feel like I’m jumping at shadows. There was a supposedly anonymous survey a few months ago, I was brutally honest, stated that they have someone working for them who are transgender and stated that I’ve observed other managers making comments expressing discriminatory views towards LGBTQ+ people (supposedly illegal in the UK), and that I think the company would benefit from some routine Equality and Diversity training. I don’t know how much the anonymity was respected by HR when looking at the results, but they weren’t presented quite as anonymously as I’d have liked. You could optionally provide your name at the end of the survey, effectively narrowing the pool of people who this survey could have been from down to one of the leadership team who chose not to put their name in. Depending on how others responded name wise that might be a very small pool of people now, given that there are only 12 of us on the leadership team. They knew which respondents were on that team due to different survey links going out to different groups of people. Nothing has been said directly since the survey, other than asking that the person who made the comments about discriminatory behaviour from other managers should come and talk to HR, generally to the leadership team whilst all in a room.

 

On the face of it, the company seems like they support trans individuals. I know there’s been one previous trans employee, although they had completed transition prior to joining this company. They have basic policies that state that the company adheres to law on not discriminating against anyone they’re not allowed to discriminate against, and trans friendly toilets.

 

I did some soul searching, and some online research and came down to, a way to overcome that fear and nerves, and restore my self esteem would be to face my fears head on, come out, perhaps just to HR/My boss initially, and perhaps to the rest of the business later on. When I carefully looked at how I was feeling, I think a lot of my negative self esteem is due to feeling like a guilty secret, no-one around me really knows who I am, and it’s hard to feel pride when that’s the case, at least for me at the moment.

 

I wasn’t planning to do this until I was further along with my physical transition, but it’s getting harder every day to put on my disguise to go into work all week. At home thanks to being out to my wife and kids I can wear the clothes I want to to feel like me and don’t have to pretend to be something I’m not, which is a huge relief. I’m also starting the process to change my legal name and gender marker on my records, so I’m going to need to tell payroll of the changes so that I can still get paid/taxed appropriately once that’s complete.

 

I was wondering if anyone who’s been in a similar position has any opinions on what coming out has done for your self esteem. Did you feel better being able to hold your head up and be who you really are for the world, (or at least your office)? Or did it make things worse and attract more negative comments?

 

Thanks in advance for any responses

- Nat

[VickySGV]

Coming Out is a Roller Coaster for self esteem but like all roller coasters it comes to an end.  Each person you feel that you must come out is going to decide on their own whether to lift you up or put you rather viciously down and out of their live.  Some in time will change back to your life and rejoin it.  The line from a song my Trans Chorus sings has the words "Those who love you the most may need more time to grow!  You're going to be OK".  In the long run, you will be adding people to your life that you will never have to come out to and who just accept the person they see in front of them. 

I would suggest that you get with your nearest LGBTQ Center, and join one of their Trans Support groups which can be a big boost when your self esteem is a puddle of mud on ground.  I have been out over 15 years and it gets better and less scary.

[Heather Shay]

I'm assuming you also have a therapist. Discussing would help. I applaud those who can finally come out at work these days. In my generation and society I could not do that. I'm personally up and down like Vicky says and have days I'm exstatic and days I feel I'm so low I need to reach up to touch bottom but I know I'm on the right path and I believe you know that as well for yourself and it took time to achieve what you have already done and I'm proud of you for that - keep it up - it will get easier - I'm saying that for you and me - as I know tough days are still with me as my wife knows but is still having problems accepting it and hasn't told my step-kids yet - after 1-1/2 years on HRT. Therapy helps climb the barriers I still face I hope you have therapist who helps you on your amazing journey.

[Ivy]

I'm pretty much out with anyone I have contact with.

When I was still on the job, I was still fighting my internalized transphobia thing so it wasn't an issue there. 

I don't really pass, but these days it's just the way it is.

But it wasn't easy at first.  It was one step at a time and a terrified girl.

[VintageNat]

Thank you for the responses.

 

I don’t think we have any centres like that near us, but I am talking to a therapist. Discussions with her was part of the “soul searching” which led to the idea of coming out at work. The only peer support I really have is online.

 

Because I dissociated/derealised for so long I’m dealing with a lot of the nerves around things for the first time. I used to be able to stand up and present in front of seminars and feel nothing, now I feel so self conscious because of the wondering how people see me. I’m comfortable saying this is me and then standing up as the real me, but for some reason I find it nerve wracking because they don’t know. I think it leads to transphobic things being said around the office as banter, that they don’t realise creates a negative atmosphere, and I’m wondering if it’s intentional and directed at me, or if it’s just unwise words and people messing around thinking no-one is going to take offence.

 

At least if I’m open I can control the message I’m putting out and then it’s clearer if someone says something, I know how it’s intended.

 

Hopefully that rambling makes sense

 

 

[Guest]

I am not sure how I will respond when I have to face being out at work. Right now I am dipping my toe in the water subtly. I have been losing weight. Nobody has questioned me with my voice when I am dictating a history and physical. I have been practicing per some of the voice training videos online. I have been using rather feminine soap (just love Dove), and cherry vanilla lotion. Nobody has said a word. My boss asked me to switch a day and I told her I had to reschedule my mani/pedi. She thought I was joking. I was not. I may just pull her to the side one day and pull of my socks and "sock it to her". I have a feeling that she will be alright. 

 

By the same measure, I suspect there may be some snickering and hushed whispers. One of the best things my late dad told me is that there will be some people who will like you for no good reason and some who will hate you for no good reason. Let's face it; coming out paints as a little different from what people may expect. I am finding that my own fears are greater than the real reactions that people may have. Another thing I have heard when pondering the impact of what we do, maybe it is just not that important to other people around us. Most may just care less. As long as someone does not try to bash my head in, it is good day.

 

Sincerely

Katie

[VintageNat]

Well following this I came out at work in 5 stages culminating on the 8th of November.

1. Told my boss and HR
2. Told my direct reports
3. My boss told my peers in his team
4. Sent an email to everyone (around 100) people coming out to the rest of the company.
5. Emailed all the 3rd parties I deal with regarding the change.

The response has been amazing. Everyone has been really supportive and nice to me. I kinda feel bad about expecting the worst of some of them, even imagining situations such as walking into a room where there’s a hushed conversation and people stop talking, but so far none of that has happened.

 

I had quite a few email replies to my announcement which were lovely messages of support and encouragement.

 

Everyone’s been generally very good with using my real name and pronouns. I had a new ID/Pass badge made a few days before the email, all my accounts were switched the following morning. I’m free of the fear of coming out now.

 

Scheduling it all in advance I found very helpful in coping with it. So much so that knowing I would be coming out on the 8th, I had myself booked in to get my hair highlighted on the 11th which was wonderful.

[stveee]

@VintageNat thanks for your encouraging experience. I'm in the process of doing this now. 

[VintageNat]

I hope your experience is as good as mine has been then @stveee!

[justlauren]

@VintageNat Thank you for following up on your experience. It fills my heart with joy and hope to hear how well that went for you. Congratulations!!!! I think most people are fundamentally loving and caring. The world is changing. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to give your community a chance to share in that.

[Sally Stone]

Nat,

 

I found that coming out boosted my self-esteem.  When I first began my journey self esteem was a fragile thing, so every stare, every head turn, even a distant laugh (that probably wasn't directed at me) had me panic stricken.  I stayed the course though and after a while I found my self esteem growing.  For me personally, it was all about putting myself out there.  Sounds as though you are doing the same, which makes me think you are enhancing and strengthening your own self esteem.  There will be occasional setbacks, you just have to push through them.

[Guest]

Well, I am happy that I made the decision to transition. My self-esteem just wasn't there as a guy. I just existed. I made the decision, I have been dieting, and with steady determination I no longer dress as a guy. Avoiding flamboyance was my goal and by sticking to it, things are moving along. From what I have learned on the site and what I have learned the hard way, I am making progress. All of you with your shared stories, suggestions, life-experiences, and support make a huge difference when starting out. As for family support, I finally decided to share my decisions with my remaining relatives on my dad's side of the family. All were supportive! I still have the hurdles of explaining my decisions to a new job site. It would be much easier to just go, have a few surgeries, show up one morning and say "Hi, I am Katie, I am the other guy's replacement." Oh well, then reality sets in. The journey rolls on.

[Ivy]

10 hours ago, Katie23 said:

"Hi, I am Katie, I am the other guy's replacement."

Which is the truth.

 

10 hours ago, Katie23 said:

The journey rolls on.

It is a journey, but isn't life a journey?

[VintageNat]

15 hours ago, Katie23 said:

As for family support, I finally decided to share my decisions with my remaining relatives on my dad's side of the family. All were supportive!

 

It’s lovely to hear about supportive families. I’ve not heard from any of my relatives since a couple of months after I told them, now my marriage has collapsed too because my wife can’t accept me. I’m still feeling pretty good about myself though!

 

 

[Guest]

In a recent 72 hour period, I pretty much notified just about everybody I knew that I am close with, as well as some relatives. My closest friends were not the biggest concern. I have an elderly aunt and uncle that are very sweet people, but I was not sure about letting them know. I had sent a letter to both of their daughters. One emailed back, but not one word of support, the other ignored me. I had reached out to the daughters figuring that it would be easier to tell my aunt and uncle with their support. I may have been wrong, but instead of waiting, when I got off work I drove over to talk with my aunt and uncle. After a number of good cries and pouring my heart out, they were good with my choices. I explained to them that what makes me, me or my soul, was not changing, but I was changing my shell to better reflect the real me. I only have one more aunt to tell. I will do that soon.

 

I also came out to my boss. I had emailed her a few days ago and had not heard a word. Then, yesterday, she called me and WOW, we had a great talk. 

 

I feel so at peace and so at ease. I also realize that I am very fortunate.

[Charlize]

Nat i am sorry to read about your marriage.  I know i was close to that as well but feel fortunate that we managed to get past the shock and move on together.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[VintageNat]

3 hours ago, Charlize said:

Nat i am sorry to read about your marriage.  I know i was close to that as well but feel fortunate that we managed to get past the shock and move on together.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

Thanks Charlize,

 

It’s difficult, especially now coming up to Christmas. By a stroke of luck I just found a local trans support group to join though so hopefully it will be nice meeting some new people and perhaps making new friends.