Coming Out at 50 to my Wife of 18 Years.

[Dartti Dare]

DISCLAMER: A lot of this is lifted from the "About Me" page from my profile.

 

I'm transitioning late (50) but better late than never. Let me start by saying I was a miserable, mean man. over the past 15 or so years, I felt myself slowly die inside.  I felt nothing. No happiness or even sadness. I was never happy with myself. never comfortable in my skin, my clothes, with how I saw myself. And it just got progressively worse. It was effecting my marriage and the relationship I had with my children. I would snap and bark at every little thing. EVERYTHING made me mad.  So, keep this in mind until the end.

 

I came out to my wife on Father's Day of this year (2021) and she took it rather well. Our kids too. All my life I had moments and thoughts, but with zero positive representation at the time, I did not see myself in anyone I saw. As my therapist says, without this, it was easy to say "well, that doesn't look/resemble anything like me, so I must not be that", and compartmentalize the feeling. If someone told me, at the time, I could be a quiet, nerdy, mom-jean and cat-glasses wearing trans women that likes girls, well... That would've changed everything, I think. With this new information, I look back at moments in my life and say "Oh... okay, that makes sense now". I found I did this thing whenever I had these thoughts, I would say to myself "I would wear that... if I where a girl" or "I would love to have makeup like that... if I where a girl", all the time.  Whatever I had a feeling, or notion that was feminine, of wanting to be a girl, I did this. But then, I would say. "well, you're NOT so just move on", and I would shove it away. These repressed thoughts eventually started to surface, until I couldn't hold it back any longer. The night before I came out, it was weighing so heavily, I went out for a drive around midnight. Something I never do. I blasted my The Go-Go's (my fav' band) playlist and just SANG. Up and down the freeway I went for three hours and sang my heart out. I felt like I was dying. I came home, but did not sleep. It felt like I had nowhere to turn. If I told my wife, that would end everything. But If I didn't... Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not the suicidal type. So that was never a thought. But the idea of holding it inside, never being able to be ME, was unbearable. The  next morning I got up real early. I sat, with my coffee for about an hour before my wife got up. She could tell there was something wrong. She asked and I said, reluctantly, everything was fine. She knew it was not. For the first time in our marriage, I was speechless. The words where stuck in my throat.  Suddenly, I heard me say it out loud. I heard myself tell tell my wife of 18 years I wanted to be a women. In retrospect, I wish I had the vocabulary to articulate that better. (I'm old  ) Saying it like that feels so 80's. But it was the best thing I did. Looking at my coming out, with the feeling of potentially destroying my marriage, if I could go back and not say anything, I wouldn't. Go back I mean. We told out two children (daughter-15, son-11) and they took it fantastically. Immediately, our daughter started calling me she and her. It was the first time I heard it out loud and it was wonderful. Shortly after, we found a thrift store that caters to the trans community and there I tried on women's clothing for the first time. Finally, clothes that make me feel like ME. MY CLOTHES. I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted. With each little step forward I make, I refuse to go back. I now live FULL TIME as the woman that I feel I am. 

 

 

 

I'm not sure where this will leave us. My wife and I. But we're in a good place. I have a beast friend for life in her. She supports and loves me for who I am. But she does say this... there are things I take in stride now, things I would have lost it over as the old me. I'm the way I was when we first met. Happy. 

 

Below is a picture of me now. I can't even see the dead eyed, Wilford Brimley mustache-wearing person I was before. I'm so happy. 

[Jackie C.]

Hey @Dartti Dare! Welcome to Transpulse. We're glad you're here!

 

Lovely to meet you. I'd tell you about myself, but you basically just wrote my life story. I feel... less unique. Le sigh. I can tell you though, that when I told my wife about what I was feeling, I decided to open with a joke. I learned that was a stupid idea, but we're still together and she's much more comfortable with the real me than she ever was with the angry -censored- she marries. Weird, right?

 

So yeah, ask us anything, it's what we're here for. Post and ask questions as the mood strikes you! Lovely to meet you!

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

@Dartti Dare Hello fellow Ohioan. You look gorgeous. I'm proud of you and your story rings true with me so much yet coming from yet an earlier generation it took me until a year and a half to face my truth. My wife has been reluctantly supportive and I wish she could move to full acceptance because at times I feel like I have the gas pedal to the floor but the clutch disengaged.

 

You have a therapist, wife and kids support - that is immense - congrats. Keep going you are doing just fine.

[Ivy]

Hey, @Dartti Dare welcome.

 

1 hour ago, Dartti Dare said:

I would say to myself "I would wear that... if I where a girl"

Yeah.  That big old "IF"

1 hour ago, Dartti Dare said:

But then, I would say. "well, you're NOT so just move on", and I would shove it away.

I know the feeling well.

[Dartti Dare]

22 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Hey @Dartti Dare! Welcome to Transpulse. We're glad you're here!

 

Lovely to meet you. I'd tell you about myself, but you basically just wrote my life story. I feel... less unique. Le sigh. I can tell you though, that when I told my wife about what I was feeling, I decided to open with a joke. I learned that was a stupid idea, but we're still together and she's much more comfortable with the real me than she ever was with the angry -censored- she marries. Weird, right?

 

So yeah, ask us anything, it's what we're here for. Post and ask questions as the mood strikes you! Lovely to meet you!

 

Hugs!

Thanks for the welcome. I'm happy to be here and hope to be more active.

[Dartti Dare]

22 hours ago, Shay said:

@Dartti Dare Hello fellow Ohioan. You look gorgeous. I'm proud of you and your story rings true with me so much yet coming from yet an earlier generation it took me until a year and a half to face my truth. My wife has been reluctantly supportive and I wish she could move to full acceptance because at times I feel like I have the gas pedal to the floor but the clutch disengaged.

 

You have a therapist, wife and kids support - that is immense - congrats. Keep going you are doing just fine.

Thank you so much for your kind words. (we all know how important affirmation is) I wish you and your wife well. I really hope the two of you find a good place to be. I know how you feel about the almost NEED to move fast. We've struggled with this for so long, once we get going it's like going down hill, gaining speed. It's that way for me, at least. And every step forward, there's no going back. No matter how small the step. Again, at least with me. I went from full-time male to full-time female, what you see in the photo above, in less than two months. And within those two months, my current result seemed unreachable. I originally had all these things I felt I needed to have done first. And much of that became less important the further I went. And I've been happier for it. Everything else will fall into their proper places in their due time. And hello back from this fellow northern Ohioan.

[Dartti Dare]

22 hours ago, Jandi said:

Hey, @Dartti Dare welcome.

 

Yeah.  That big old "IF"

I know the feeling well.

I consider myself to be in good company.

[Heather Shay]

@Dartti Dare I can see you are receiving a warm welcome. Hope we can correspond more being a more mature aged ladies in Ohio, well I'm older but you're still a youngster in my eyes.

[Dartti Dare]

7 hours ago, Shay said:

@Dartti Dare I can see you are receiving a warm welcome. Hope we can correspond more being a more mature aged ladies in Ohio, well I'm older but you're still a youngster in my eyes.

I do to. That would be nice.

[Susan R]

@Dartti Dare Your story hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been very emotional these last few days and your journey reminded me so much of my own story that it brought me to tears. I know the pain life serves up oh so well and it really just caught me off guard. I hope you continue on your path of choice…wherever that leads. I believe you will continue to become even happier and more confident in your decision to transition as you move forward. It has happened for me despite some recent transition setbacks. IMHO..Life is hard but living authentically is always best in the long run.

 

Thank you so much for sharing a part of yourself here.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Dartti Dare]

10 hours ago, Susan R said:

@Dartti Dare Your story hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been very emotional these last few days and your journey reminded me so much of my own story that it brought me to tears. I know the pain life serves up oh so well and it really just caught me off guard. I hope you continue on your path of choice…wherever that leads. I believe you will continue to become even happier and more confident in your decision to transition as you move forward. It has happened for me despite some recent transition setbacks. IMHO..Life is hard but living authentically is always best in the long run.

 

Thank you so much for sharing a part of yourself here.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

It's wonderful to connect like this. I'm sorry if it brought up painful memories though, but happy you have had brighter days. Let's all keep moving forward. 

[Sometimes Chrissie]

Did these feelings and the slow emotional death you suffered come on slowly?

 

Was being a man just "wearing you out?" 

 

Did it start out as want to have a long vacation from the entire male thing? 

 

Stress in IMO tougher and more damaging on XY males in this society.

 

Are you aware that your sexual orientation can change when you start HRT? https://www.quora.com/Can-HRT-change-your-sexuality

 

A lot of what you said hit home for me but with me I want to keep or maintain a balance of male and female. I am also seeking the serenity of the female vibe. Also for me there is so much crap in the world that I have trouble accepting along with the frustration of not being able to do anything about it. 

 

As a boy and a young man I was a fighter. Back then the consequences for getting yourself some do it yourself justice were acceptable but now it seems like we have to swallow so much crap from people, plus the fact if I got in fights now I'd end up blocking too many punches with my face. That said, it would still be satisfying to get physical with some punk while I was in girl mode and clean his clock. The arrest, trial and criminal record aren't worth it.

 

I think it sucks being a male today. If you cry you're a wuss, if you're stoic then you are insensitive. 

 

I think that when you transition you will probably be a much happier and serene person. You will learn who your authentic self is.

[Sofie]

I read your post with much interest. I’m 73 and married for 45 years. I was honest with my wife before we were married. She was surprised but mildly supportive. Over the years of our marriage I would start to transition but the guilt and fear was too much so I would stop. The last time was about 10 years ago. My wife told me in no uncertain terms that she would leave me. Again I stopped. Now, three heart attacks later, I decided I had to stop with the guilt and fear and be myself. She will leave me, 

but I can’t stop this time. Death is coming soon and I will not die living a lie anymore. The weird thing is that I’m a psychiatrist, one would think I would have a better handle on this. I don’t. 

[Ivy]

14 hours ago, Sofie said:

She will leave me, 

but I can’t stop this time. Death is coming soon and I will not die living a lie anymore. The weird thing is that I’m a psychiatrist, one would think I would have a better handle on this. I don’t. 

I think a lot of us live our lives for other people, or at least let them control us.

This is complicated.  I mean, we are part of something bigger than ourselves.  But still, we are who we are.  

I was married for around 45 years and I still have feelings for my ex.  But it was only when we separated that I was able to be free to understand who I really am.

[Sometimes Chrissie]

Would a spouse leave their mate if they lost a limb, went blind, got cancer? Dysphoria is another condition. I heard one woman complain about her husband who was morbidly obese. It was a huge turn off for her, especially his man boobs. I get that. Obesity is a result of gluttony and to my way of thinking choosing junk food over your spouse and family is really bad and if a spouse wants to give the fat spouse or the druggie spouse or the drunk spouse the heave ho, I would support that.

 

Unlike substance abuse, gender dysphoria is not a choice and if a spouse won't understand that, that spouse sucks. If I were married to a woman who got the wrong gender at birth and needed to change, I'd want the marriage to work and I would try to work things out with her/him. A poly amorous relationship may be the answer. The FTM folks I know are very libidinous. Testosterone will do that. If I were 100% male we'd have to add another partner.  If my present wife had a high libido and if mine diminishes from HT and T blockers I would encourage her to take on a lover or two. 

 

Folks need to think outside the box.

[Bri2020]

5 hours ago, Sometimes Chrissie said:

Would a spouse leave their mate if they lost a limb, went blind, got cancer? Dysphoria is another condition. I heard one woman complain about her husband who was morbidly obese. It was a huge turn off for her, especially his man boobs. I get that. Obesity is a result of gluttony and to my way of thinking choosing junk food over your spouse and family is really bad and if a spouse wants to give the fat spouse or the druggie spouse or the drunk spouse the heave ho, I would support that.

 

Unlike substance abuse, gender dysphoria is not a choice and if a spouse won't understand that, that spouse sucks. If I were married to a woman who got the wrong gender at birth and needed to change, I'd want the marriage to work and I would try to work things out with her/him. A poly amorous relationship may be the answer. The FTM folks I know are very libidinous. Testosterone will do that. If I were 100% male we'd have to add another partner.  If my present wife had a high libido and if mine diminishes from HT and T blockers I would encourage her to take on a lover or two. 

 

Folks need to think outside the box.

Do you believe in being true to yourself? Would you deny who you are for the sake of another? Obviously no if you are living your true self.   If you've been in a relationship for awhile, not showing your true self and then dropped the bomb on that loved one one night, you cannot expect them to always "think outside the box"  or change themselves to meet your needs now.  We can hope that they accept us and love us and want to be with us forever, but you can't demand that they be open to the change.  We have proven over the years that conversion therapy doesn't change ones orientation. It doesn't work trying to make someone gay either . My wife tried for a year all while cheerleading me to become who I am. She was the definition of supportive.  However, being with a woman was a turnoff.  Studies have also shown people tend to be monogamous, or not.  Asking someone to be poly just to save a relationship doesn't work. It's not who they are.   It's certainly nice if someone can adapt (and be truly happy and satisfied) with a radical change in the relationship but if you are being honest with yourself, it's selfish to insist on it.  I want people to accept who I am and I refuse to live by other's expectations, therefore I must also accept that others shouldn't have to change who they are just to meet my expectations.

I was CRUSHED when after a year, it turned out she needed more that I was in my new form, but because we love each other and support each other, we have remained close friends and eventually we now have the freedom to find someone who is fully attracted to us and meets our needs.

[Deanna Celia M]

 

On 9/29/2021 at 6:20 AM, Bri2020 said:

Do you believe in being true to yourself? Would you deny who you are for the sake of another? Obviously no if you are living your true self.   If you've been in a relationship for awhile, not showing your true self and then dropped the bomb on that loved one one night, you cannot expect them to always "think outside the box"  or change themselves to meet your needs now.  We can hope that they accept us and love us and want to be with us forever, but you can't demand that they be open to the change.  We have proven over the years that conversion therapy doesn't change ones orientation. It doesn't work trying to make someone gay either . My wife tried for a year all while cheerleading me to become who I am. She was the definition of supportive.  However, being with a woman was a turnoff.  Studies have also shown people tend to be monogamous, or not.  Asking someone to be poly just to save a relationship doesn't work. It's not who they are.   It's certainly nice if someone can adapt (and be truly happy and satisfied) with a radical change in the relationship but if you are being honest with yourself, it's selfish to insist on it.  I want people to accept who I am and I refuse to live by other's expectations, therefore I must also accept that others shouldn't have to change who they are just to meet my expectations.

I was CRUSHED when after a year, it turned out she needed more that I was in my new form, but because we love each other and support each other, we have remained close friends and eventually we now have the freedom to find someone who is fully attracted to us and meets our needs.

I agree. I don't have specific experience with this, but I don't think you can ask someone to change their orientation based on their love for one person. I have a feeling that the marriages/partnerships that last are either between people who are OK just being friends and non-romantic life partners... Or where the non-trans partner was already bi- or pansexual or someway receptive in the first place.

 

I worry a lot about this myself. My marriage has not been in a great place anyway, with my wife being disgusted by my general lack of adequate masculinity (I keep getting "man up and take control of your household" lectures from family members so I think some gender cracks have been showing, despite me not cross-dressing or doing anything obviously femme). My only stupid hope for if I transition (hopefully WHEN not if) is that, when we actually used to be intimate, my wife often wanted to watch girl/girl adult videos as a stimulus while we did the deed. That's a slim hope as I'm never going to look like the kind of well-endowed pretty adult actresses she liked to watch, anyway. And she completely identifies as straight  I'm bi but I'm having enough terror about coming out of one closet let alone two right now.

[Sometimes Chrissie]

On 9/29/2021 at 6:20 AM, Bri2020 said:

Do you believe in being true to yourself? Would you deny who you are for the sake of another? Obviously no if you are living your true self.   If you've been in a relationship for awhile, not showing your true self and then dropped the bomb on that loved one one night, you cannot expect them to always "think outside the box"  or change themselves to meet your needs now.  We can hope that they accept us and love us and want to be with us forever, but you can't demand that they be open to the change.  We have proven over the years that conversion therapy doesn't change ones orientation. It doesn't work trying to make someone gay either . My wife tried for a year all while cheerleading me to become who I am. She was the definition of supportive.  However, being with a woman was a turnoff.  Studies have also shown people tend to be monogamous, or not.  Asking someone to be poly just to save a relationship doesn't work. It's not who they are.   It's certainly nice if someone can adapt (and be truly happy and satisfied) with a radical change in the relationship but if you are being honest with yourself, it's selfish to insist on it.  I want people to accept who I am and I refuse to live by other's expectations, therefore I must also accept that others shouldn't have to change who they are just to meet my expectations.

I was CRUSHED when after a year, it turned out she needed more that I was in my new form, but because we love each other and support each other, we have remained close friends and eventually we now have the freedom to find someone who is fully attracted to us and meets our needs.

 

Part of the reason the human gene pool became diverse and healthy was because of promiscuity. I think monogamy is a flawed construct. The current idea of family is very bad.  I don't think monogamy is natural. I think it's a cultural thing and even if the pair bond is natural it's not for everyone. Divorce is rampant. It damages kids same as a bad marriage and whacko parents. 

 

The depraved and damaging stuff that goes behind closed doors is rampant. 1 in 5 kids are molested in the US. IMO there needs to be transparency. 

 

Humans need to get past jealousy IMO.

 

Why not be a big part of your wife's life? Do you love her like a sister or do you love her like a wife? 

 

What more did she need? Sex with a man? 

 

The way I see it is sex is sex and love is love and the two are not mutually exclusive. If she needs or desires a man for the carnal stuff would that bother you knowing she's with someone who can light her fire in that way?

 

I got married young to my first wife. I believed all the crap I'd been told. My wife cheated on me and my ego could not handle it. Many years after I divorced her I ran into her by chance. She spent many years thinking I hated her. She and I had many very candid no holds barred conversations about a lot of things. Because of the crap I was led to believe by society and religion e.g. one man one woman I tossed her to the curb. She was hurt and I was hurt. What caused me guilt and shame is her cheating turned me on. What kind of a weirdo was I? Turns out I was not a weirdo at all. I'm merely a product of natural human evolution. She needed an alpha male as well as a someone like me. My ego and all the crap religion and society taught me was BS. During our amicable conversations long after our divorce she let me know that she needed someone to do the heavy lifting so to speak. When she remarried her current husband accepted her need/want/desire. I'm not an alpha male and I can never be an alpha male and the more I tried the more unhappy I became. When I matured and started thinking for myself and began to question social norms and constructs I realize that I'd have been better off had I accepted her promiscuity. In fact, I should have been proud of it but my fears, ego and societal norms would not allow that. 

 

Had I told my first wife to "go for it" and "cheat" I would not have had the performance anxiety and the post coital depression. How selfish I was. How unfair to her I was. Back then it was tough to think in those terms. The truth is, she is what she is and she was what she was and I stifled it. Because she was quite uninhibited and open minded she'd had been cool with my femininity. 

 

If you stayed with your wife and she took on a surrogate to meet her needs for the masculine would it get in the way of the emotional and spiritual bond the two of you have/had? 

 

If there was a way for the two of you to not "move on" would you give it a try?

 

 

 

 

[Deanna Celia M]

15 hours ago, Sometimes Chrissie said:

If you stayed with your wife and she took on a surrogate to meet her needs for the masculine would it get in the way of the emotional and spiritual bond the two of you have/had? 

 

If there was a way for the two of you to not "move on" would you give it a try?

 

I wouldn't have a problem if she did so, no. Heck, I think I have needs for a masculine sexual partner myself but that's a whole other story. We've not been intimate in about 5 years; a year ago she moved out of our bedroom and into our daughter's allegedly because the single bed is "good for her back" and the street noises from our bedroom at the front of the house bothered her. (I sleep in the master bedroom with my eight year old daughter most nights amidst stuffies and Barbies and things). 

 

We've both strayed. I know she pursued several men, my niece (our older adoptive child who's in college) found evidence of one of them on Facebook on posts and groups that were blocked to us but not on another's relative's account. She was going for regular walks in the woods in the park this summer and some relatives warned me she was hooking up with the guy, I don't know. My niece says he ended up blocking her on Facebook, and she quit going to the park.

 

When everyone else was away from the house this summer for a week ( a very rare thing) I was lonely and got on a hookup site and met a guy for sex that resulted in a brief online affair that was going nowhere since he was terrified of his wife who wouldn't even let him alone with his phone. I think maybe he saw me as I really am... I caught feelings quickly... But I recognize it's for the best we didn't stay in touch. So I was very bad:( But that whole incident is a big part of what put me over the edge with my gender issues, I have to go into that another time.

 

As far as coming to an arrangement with my wife, I don't know. I've thought about just asking her before if we could just see other people. But she's not very understanding about such things. She's more the cheat and don't ask/tell type. We have neighbors across the street in a poly relationship and she says a lot of disparaging things about them; granted, the woman (across the street) is off her head on magic mushrooms and raving much of the time so that may have something to do with it. I know she will also say to think of the kids (my daughter & niece) and what they will think. But when I start to transition I know she'll say that anyway.

[Ivy]

Deanna, there are similarities in my own story.  (the unilateral decision on her part for separate rooms for one thing)  But fortunately all our children are grown.

I'm pretty sure she was not cheating on me though.  She accused me of it on numerous occasions.  I can't say the thought never crossed my mind, but it never went further than that.

It was hard living separately under the same roof.  I'm very physically, oriented and that was off the table.  

Eventually I moved out.  It was only when on my own again I was able to reexamine my gender issues that I had thought had been settled in being with her.  

 

[Mmindy]

On 9/19/2021 at 11:39 AM, Dartti Dare said:

Below is a picture of me now. I can't even see the dead eyed, Wilford Brimley mustache-wearing person I was before. I'm so happy. 

Dartti, what a cool way to say you're reaching peace.

I came out to my wife at 64 and we're married 45 years now. To say it didn't go well is an understatement. We're doing much better now. We use to tell people that she married me because I looked like Mac Davis, and she ended up with Wilford Brimley. I'm currently out to my two grown children and their spouses, as well as my wife's sister and brother-in-law.

 

Best wishes, stay positive and safe,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Mmindy]

On 9/29/2021 at 6:20 AM, Bri2020 said:

I was CRUSHED when after a year, it turned out she needed more that I was in my new form, but because we love each other and support each other, we have remained close friends and eventually we now have the freedom to find someone who is fully attracted to us and meets our needs.

Very well said @Bri2020 While I'm still hoping that my Suzie and I can work things out. Your honesty and coming situation my also be ours.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Deanna Celia M]

On 10/7/2021 at 8:08 AM, Jandi said:

Deanna, there are similarities in my own story.  (the unilateral decision on her part for separate rooms for one thing)  But fortunately all our children are grown.

I'm pretty sure she was not cheating on me though.  She accused me of it on numerous occasions.  I can't say the thought never crossed my mind, but it never went further than that.

It was hard living separately under the same roof.  I'm very physically, oriented and that was off the table.  

Eventually I moved out.  It was only when on my own again I was able to reexamine my gender issues that I had thought had been settled in being with her.  

 

Jandi--Yeah, I shouldn't have done the cheating. I felt crappy and down and abandoned but it wasn't ethical I know. I didn't respond to you sooner because I regretted even confessing to it here. 

 

I really hope my wife and I don't split up. I hope I can actually "woman up" and somehow make things better by being a better person now. SO far. my wife seems to really LIKE the new me when I've stopped all efforts to be masculine. It's like it's easier to be her friend and supporter somehow. But I'm not out to her yet and when she finds out about needing to present as female... I don't know. *Scared.* Sure many here can relate.

[Ivy]

11 hours ago, Deanna Celia M said:

I really hope my wife and I don't split up.

I hope so too.  I still miss my ex.  

We were together over 40yrs, and through a lot together.

[Betty K]

Hi @Dartti Dare and congratulations on your new identity. I am in awe of what you achieved in two months. Your story is an inspiration.

 

Regarding the general talk about wives’ responses to their husbands transitioning, I think it’s important to acknowledge that in many if not most cases we got together with these women under false pretences. So many of us say we were repressing the knowledge we were trans for many years. Well, if we were hiding it from ourselves that means we were also hiding it from our wives. To my way of thinking, if our wives are upset by this they have every right to be.

 

In my case, I only faced the truth about my gender after I broke up with my wife. Still, I consider myself lucky that she loves and supports me despite that I basically deceived her while we were together.

 

Also, @Deanna Celia M, I completely relate to your dilemma regarding your bisexuality. For me, it has been truly shocking to have to face the fact that I’m bisexual and that I’m transgender both at once. In fact, for now at least, I’m far more interested in men sexually than I am in women. This double whammy has definitely been the most dramatic realisation of my life.