Overcoming shame (TW internalized transphobia)

[neo3000]

Hello everyone, hope y'all are doing well. 

 

I write here cause I've been having these thoughts that kind of ruin my mood on a daily basis, and being the busy person that I am, it's really inconvenient. 

Long story short, I kind of am ashamed of being trans. It's weird cause I have NEVER been ashamed of the few trans friends I have, and never thought of them being shameful. But when it comes to me, I simply cannot fully admit it. 

 

The thing is, ever since I kind of admitted the fact that I was a trans man, a lot of things fell in order. I got the answer to a lot of the things I've thought I would never have an answer to (surprise, surprise, most of it was dysphoria). And I feel so comfortable being referred to as a man, and living with a masculine name. I have never felt this comfort before, cause for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm playing a role. 

 

However I'm ashamed, and really don't want people to know I'm trans. I don't know why. I also hate the fact that people look at me and just see that I'm queer, rather than see me like any other man in the room. Sometimes I lose hope and tell myself that I should just continue my life as a visibly "cis woman", but I've attempted this many times and each time, I spent most of my time in existential dread, wanting to die as young as possible. For example, last year, I grew my hair out and bought a bra, as well as very feminine clothes on the basis of having to "grow up". It felt so off, so weird, and I felt like I wasn't representing myself. And that was way before the thought of being a man ever crossed my mind. 

 

Sometimes I pass. If I don't speak. If my mask is on. If my hair is styled well and my clothes are a bit too big. But then they clock me at the speed of light and they just /know/ that i'm trans and I feel so bad about it. I don't wanna appear ambiguous, androgynous or anything. I just want to be read as a man. But I feel like I'll never be, no matter how I do it because my body is just in the way. And a medical transition is more likely to be a dream than a reality, cause the repercussions are going to be so big I fear they might kill me (very very very unaccepting family. to give you an idea, when i was a kid i wasn't allowed to wear anything from the boys section or simply anything that didn't have a feminine cut. My mother for instance, gave me countless lectures on how she was ashamed of me because i didn't look the way she wanted. Also they love to refer to trans people as "transvestites" like we're some sort of animal species).

 

Sorry I keep writing very long messages here. But it would be nice to talk to someone that can relate or once felt like this. It helps a lot. 

 

Love,

Neo.

[Guest]

1 hour ago, neo3000 said:

Hello everyone, hope y'all are doing well. 

 

I write here cause I've been having these thoughts that kind of ruin my mood on a daily basis, and being the busy person that I am, it's really inconvenient. 

Long story short, I kind of am ashamed of being trans. It's weird cause I have NEVER been ashamed of the few trans friends I have, and never thought of them being shameful. But when it comes to me, I simply cannot fully admit it. 

 

The thing is, ever since I kind of admitted the fact that I was a trans man, a lot of things fell in order. I got the answer to a lot of the things I've thought I would never have an answer to (surprise, surprise, most of it was dysphoria). And I feel so comfortable being referred to as a man, and living with a masculine name. I have never felt this comfort before, cause for the first time in my life I don't feel like I'm playing a role. 

 

However I'm ashamed, and really don't want people to know I'm trans. I don't know why. I also hate the fact that people look at me and just see that I'm queer, rather than see me like any other man in the room. Sometimes I lose hope and tell myself that I should just continue my life as a visibly "cis woman", but I've attempted this many times and each time, I spent most of my time in existential dread, wanting to die as young as possible. For example, last year, I grew my hair out and bought a bra, as well as very feminine clothes on the basis of having to "grow up". It felt so off, so weird, and I felt like I wasn't representing myself. And that was way before the thought of being a man ever crossed my mind. 

 

Sometimes I pass. If I don't speak. If my mask is on. If my hair is styled well and my clothes are a bit too big. But then they clock me at the speed of light and they just /know/ that i'm trans and I feel so bad about it. I don't wanna appear ambiguous, androgynous or anything. I just want to be read as a man. But I feel like I'll never be, no matter how I do it because my body is just in the way. And a medical transition is more likely to be a dream than a reality, cause the repercussions are going to be so big I fear they might kill me (very very very unaccepting family. to give you an idea, when i was a kid i wasn't allowed to wear anything from the boys section or simply anything that didn't have a feminine cut. My mother for instance, gave me countless lectures on how she was ashamed of me because i didn't look the way she wanted. Also they love to refer to trans people as "transvestites" like we're some sort of animal species).

 

Sorry I keep writing very long messages here. But it would be nice to talk to someone that can relate or once felt like this. It helps a lot. 

 

Love,

Neo.

Your feelings are not unusual and there’s no need to feel shame for who you are and who you are may me male or non-binary or a myriad of other queer things. Being a round peg in a square hole (think about that) is something to be proud of.

Your family is another issue and I’m sorry they are so closed and conservative. They are that way out of fear of the world they don’t understand. I wish I could give you advice on how to deal with them.

 

The one thing I can advise is find a therapist that you are comfortable with. There are resources for finding them on this site but I find it best to just google it. Your local LGBTQ organization can help immensely and discreetly.

 

You are wonderful. You are loved. You are not alone.

 

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Neo.

 

I second Erica's recommendation to see a gender therapist.  They can help with the emotional baggage from your family of origin, as well as with your self-image.

 

Medical transition, if you are able to go that route, will help with your ability to pass as a man.  HRT with testosterone is very effective, because it will probably lower the pitch of your voice and grow facial hair.  Your obstacles are mainly emotions, for which the therapist will be a big help.

 

Regards,

Kathy

[Vidanjali]

Dear @neo3000 it breaks my heart to hear your struggle. You are DEFINITELY not alone. And we see you. It's often a perilous journey for any individual to come to self-acceptance, but I think for trans people it is much more difficult. I identify as nonbinary, and I do want people to clock me as queer - I just want to be recognized as not a woman, but extremely few people do. Even people I have come out to still greet me, "hey girl" or some such; it grates on my nerves. Because you are a man, I understand it is different for you. I often puzzle over the respective challenges of nonbinary and binary trans people. (Note, I don't think about this in the sense of "who has it worse" or anything like that.) My challenge as a nonbinary person is desiring for others to see me as something that is not commonly even seen as existing: neither a man nor a woman. When those are usually the only choices people are alert to, any effort on my part to come out requires me to be a super-advocate for myself and other enby people, and although I am altruistic by nature, that can be exhausting - I just want to be. On the other hand, as an enby person, I personally find euphoria in adopting an androgynous look, or mixing and matching features from the binary genders as strikes my fancy. For binary trans people, others will know what you mean when you say "man" or "woman", but they often cannot accept that you are the one asserting you are a man or woman based on your appearance. Moreover, if your goal is to pass as the "opposite" binary gender, the challenges can sometimes seem insurmountable. It is especially challenging if you do not have a supportive family. My family for the greater part is also quite bigoted, so I can relate. I agree with Erica that therapy is a good idea (I need to do that too). The more support you can garner, the better. Supportive people in your life are like mirrors - they will reflect who you really are, and that validation and love is priceless. I affirm you are completely worthy of love and acceptance. I pray you will find that peace in yourself.

[neo3000]

Thank you all for your kind words, it means a lot. ?❤️

 

It's true that seeing a therapist is important, if I'm alive today it's thank to my therapist and friends. But sadly my therapist left the country. I have an appointment with a therapist I never met before (I'm very limited with my choices because I can't afford therapy, so I go to the ones my university have to offer since they're free). To be honest with y'all I'm not quite excited to go, I fear that she may be transphobic and I really don't want to hear the whole "it's just a phase" speech cause we all know it's not. 

I don't know how to approach this subject with her without outing myself.  I find it very risky.

 

But I agree with you all when you say that it's more of an emotional issue. I have to admit I never looked at it that way. 

I guess I'll have to work on it, I'll try to talk to one of my friends but I find it very hard to open up on this subject. 

 

1 hour ago, Vidanjali said:

For binary trans people, others will know what you mean when you say "man" or "woman", but they often cannot accept that you are the one asserting you are a man or woman based on your appearance.

 

Yes exactly. The thing is, they will know that I "identify as", but that's the thing with people, they will see it as playing dress up more than anything. So they'll never consider me as a man. I remember once someone said that a trans woman could never be a woman because she doesn't have *the* reproductive system. Since the person who told me this was a close relative,  even though I knew he was wrong, it stuck with me, not on how I see others but how I see myself. And even though I know for sure that I'm a man, their words get in my head and I keep thinking that I'll never be a "real" man, or at least perceived like one because something's missing down there.

 

[DeeDee]

Hi Neo, as transmasc the others are right in that medically transitioning will help you "stealth" if you want to. There are also tutorials online you can use now to help with speaking not outing you. There is nothing wrong with wanting to fit in quietly. When I first started realising I was trans I was desperate to try and find a way to slip quietly into society without raising anyones suspicions, but like you being trans was fine for others. You already know how much better you feel when you are not trying to blend as a woman. You need to place your sense of self worth above the opinions of others, it is not your fault that they have refused to research the science, these days ignorance is a choice. Do you have someone you can trust that is supportive? Or know an LGBT+ group you could join to find supportive friends? It really helps with self acceptance to see the acceptance from others. There is a transman Youtuber called Jammidodger you should watch if you haven't already. ?