How to start

[Sofie]

I had my first appointment with a therapist today. The main thing we spoke about was coming out. She advised me to start off slowly. Not to just blurt out “I’m transgender “. To instead start with something small. This evening, in retrospect, I’m confused as how I might do that. Does anyone have any ideas? 

[Astrid]

I wrote letters...one to my spouse, and one to my daughter.  It gave me the opportunity to write drafts and review the points I felt were important to make...points that I might forget to include if I were speaking to them in person.

 

Astrid 

[Carolyn Marie]

I found that I had success telling my story in chronological order.  That gave me a chance to talk about what I knew about myself and when, and what i did or didn't do about my feelings and desires.  I avoided using a lot of terminology, which can often confuse people.  That usually led to questions, and gave me a chance to go into more technical details.  But I never talked about medical issues with anyone except immediate family.

 

Carolyn Marie

[Charlize]

Often folks who are considering coming out explore the policies that their employer might have in place and consider both worse and best possible outcomes.  Some may only come out to family at first or alternatively only speak to a friend outside the family. In the end for me at least i simply had to go for it day by day.  After all it was years before everyone i knew as a man had met this woman.  Hmmm i wonder who doesn't know?  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Kelly2509]

Oooooo!!!!!  I know this one! 

 

Most Important: start with broad strokes.

When I first started coming out to people I would develop elaborate scripts that contained all my justifications, evidence, the ways suppressing this affected my life, you name it!  I kept planning on hour-long conversations where I would need to defend my decision to finally accept myself.  After crashing and burning my first time coming out to someone (unfortunately my partner) and giving them WAAAAY too much information to process all at once (and lots of fuel for their own fears) I realized that this is heavy stuff and that first conversation should always be made with very broad strokes and very little detail.

 

For example, I came out to my brother in law this past weekend.  I had to really fight the urge to get way off into the weeds with "here's my life story and why this is the right thing to do".  What I ended up saying was more like "So last year I came out to your sister as trans, our relationship dynamic is a little different but we're still together and planning on staying together, she and the kids have been using they/them pronouns because they couldn't quite make the mental leap to she/her yet.  Please feel free to ask questions if you have any, I am happy to give you more details when you feel like you want some."  He did ask me a couple questions right then like "what does that look like right now presentation-wise" and "are you thinking about changing your name", but said he may have more questions down the road.  It went super well and was only a 10 minute conversation.

[Jackie C.]

12 hours ago, Sofie said:

his evening, in retrospect, I’m confused as how I might do that.

 

My therapist suggested I start with, "I have a cross-dressing fetish. Don't worry though, it's completely sexual."

 

I didn't do that. I jumped in with both feet, but that was the advice that I got. The idea was to introduce the idea that I'm trans one piece at a time.

 

Don't open with, "Surprise! You're a lesbian!" That did NOT go over well.

 

Hugs!

[Kelly2509]

1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

Don't open with, "Surprise! You're a lesbian!" That did NOT go over well.

OK, so I can't tell if that was a joke....  it's super funny but please tell me you didn't really do that

 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Kelly2509 said:

OK, so I can't tell if that was a joke....  it's super funny but please tell me you didn't really do that

 

Nope, totally did that. I was nervous and thought I'd open with a joke.

 

Hugs!

[Charlize]

That is a stitch Jackie.  I can't think of a quicker way to get a spouse to confront their fear.  I'm just afraid if i was doing that as standup comedy my wife would have slapped me down bringing on greater laughter from the audience. ??

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Charlize said:

hat is a stitch Jackie.  I can't think of a quicker way to get a spouse to confront their fear.  I'm just afraid if i was doing that as standup comedy my wife would have slapped me down bringing on greater laughter from the audience.

 

It worked out though. After our talk she said that, "She likes boobs," and was OK with it. Still, those five minutes while she swished my info dump around in her brain lasted about a thousand years.

 

Hugs!

[Heather Nicole]

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Don't worry though, it's completely sexual.

 

I love this sentence. I need to find a way to work it into everyday conversation. (Muah ha ha! Ok, maybe not ?)

 

3 hours ago, Jackie C. said:

Don't open with, "Surprise! You're a lesbian!" That did NOT go over well.

 

Note to self: Don't come out to my sister with "Hey sis! Y'know how you always wanted a sister? Well guess what!!"

[Willow McKenzie]

Good morning Sofie,  I hope my story can help.

 

   I got to the transition cliff by a process of elimination.   I worked all the time to hide from being trans-confused, which led my wife to gamble, which led to divorce.   One barrier gone!    I reached 62yrs old and proclaimed "I'm quitting business".   Second barrier gone!    I failed a PSA and biopsy and the doctors went after what manhood I had left.   Strike 3, "you're out!".   Fate pushed me off the cliff I wasn't able to jump off by myself.

 

   My method for coming out was just say it.   I did use prostate cancer as an excuse to most men even if it wasn't really much of a factor.   I thought everyone would just hate me, dump me, leave me alone.  I had a low self-esteem and wanted to be dumped.   The exact opposite happened!   I actually have "real" friends and a good partner now.   Several of my customers told me they always knew and were happy that I finally did it.   My Mother helped me pick a name.  

 

   I know it is a scary point in one's life "coming out", and I'm probably not a good example of how to do it.   When you show others the real, genuine, happy, loving, inner you,------Then you will find out who your real friends are.   It may surprise you.   It did me.

 

   ---Willow McKenzie---