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The deeper parts of me


Beth Susan

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I have been meaning to do this for a few weeks. Guess there is no time but the present.

 

For the past year I have been letting myself be how I truly am in the ways I present myself. Doing the things I have always wanted. Wearing women's clothing. Coloring my hair, nails and some makeup in my everyday out of house life. But inside I have gone farther with fully looking female. Happily this has all been fulfilling to my soul and connected me to my true self.

 

In my past. I had times where I would ware undergarments for short periods of time. Then I would stop, not out of self shame, but due to how family might react if I was found out. Also I would hide the more feminine ways of being, movement and speach as I was to scared for anyone to not think of me as male. Sadly, I have spent 45 years trying to be a round peg on a square hole.

 

Finally able to accept the true me that I subconsciously I knew I was. It is fun looking back and seeing all the clues pop out like neon road signs. 

 

So now my real life begins. I love, now, who I am. All of me, for my past is how I got here. And yes some regrets but I am lucky for I have a family that accepts me. I have come out to my son, his half sisters, his mom, my mother and two older brothers. Oh and of course the spouses were applicable. With great joy I am blessed that none, so far, have turned away.

 

Let me take moment to say I have only come out to my PCP and looking for a gender therapist. I have not fully come out at work, but girl let me tell you I hold very little back. I don't use my true name or use forms to look the part physically. But only a blind, scratch that I do work on my female voice all day, person would not see the feminine side of me. Lucky for me it is fully rounded work environment that prides its self on accepting all walks of life. LGBTQ+ included. No discrimination of any kind. Sadly I do get strange looks, but I was very male looking and now 75% or more female. I add a little more fem over time to soften the change.

 

Oh I just looked back. Seems I have typed a book. Thank you all for taking the time to get to know me better.

 

Hugs,

Beth

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  • Forum Moderator

Thank you Beth!  I am glad you are able to begin a life as yourself.  It sounds as if you are not only accepting yourself but finding the acceptance of others.  I did find therapy helpful so i'm glad your moving that direction.  Enjoy.  There may be big bumps but the path is beautiful as well.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • Forum Moderator

Very good Beth.  Having your family behind you is a good feeling.  Keep moving forward.  

 

Cheers, 

Jani

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Thank you Charlize and Jani for the heart warming words. I feel lucky as my road signs were not so hard to let go of at the time as many have had a real struggle with. However I know I was a very angry person and me not being me was the root of it. Being denied of who I am for so long I am not fighting it any more. I wish that deeply for all looking to find the true self. When you find it, take it whatever it is. Love what time you have as you. I believe the rest falls much easier into place.

 

Hugs,

Beth

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1 hour ago, Beth Susan said:

However I know I was a very angry person and me not being me was the root of it.

Me too.

I was always just a little angry at the world, and didn't seem to have a reason.  When I came out, it went away.

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Thank you for sharing Jandi. It is a relief to know I am not alone in that state of being. Like a switch was turned off, core anger gone. Not angry all the time.

 

Hugs,

Beth

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