weird little euphoria moment

[Kelly2509]

so I just felt like i needed to share this with someone, I hope it resonates with some of you.  I did need the help of my therapist to unpack a lot of this but I think I landed in a good place with it.

 

So this past weekend I went to visit an old friend I hadn't seen in maybe 10 years, give or take.  He's super sweet and was very supportive when I came out to him a little while ago, he is super open minded and really put my mind at ease.  We met for dinner and spent a couple hours talking and it was a great time.  During the evening though every so often I would have these moments that took me by surprise where I would just suddenly feel like I was on a date with a sweet man and it made me really happy.  That wasn't exactly the case, but I would just get that feeling for just a moment.  At the end of the night we're standing in the cold October northern Michigan rain and he gave me a hug (he's a hugger) and despite being cold and wet (I forgot to bring a coat) I found myself wishing it would last just a little longer.  I may or may not have even put my head on his shoulder but I can't remember because the entire moment is a blur now.  It almost goes without saying that once i got in the car I was like "what the F just happened?!"  I had a lot of complicated feelings that I was not prepared to process.

 

Thankfully my next therapy appointment was 2 days later   and I brought it up because at least I had the presence of mind to know i needed some help getting my head on straight.  After walking her through the evening and some discussion about there maybe being a connection that I had previously had some social barriers up against (still a possibility, there are some threads I have not pulled if you know what I mean) I started getting a little ramble-y (you don't say? ) and landed on something that she thought seemed significant.  Basically this was the first time I was in this kind of social scenario where I was just Kelly and nothing else.  I was The Girl in the "on a date" scenario in my head and every time the waiter said something like "I hope you two have a nice evening together" or something about our interactions hit just the right note I was reminded that yeah, if this was a date I was The Girl in that scenario right down to the hug at the end and there was no judgment, no need to put up barriers, just a moment of joy.  I didn't have to be the spouse/partner/husband in the equation. I didn't have to be the parent/dad in the equation.  It didn't matter what my past was or that I was trans.  I was just Kelly with no other expectations other than to be myself and it allowed me to unintentionally be vulnerable in a way I just was not prepared for.

 

So at the end of the day there may be some feelings specific to him that I might need to process at some point, but the thing I really took away from being able to unpack the evening with my therapist was in recognizing those little moments where I felt like I was really inhabiting Girl Space and the joy those moments brought.

[Monica Green]

It sounds like you had a wonderful night. I'm glad you are able to enjoy it for what it was.?

[Kelly2509]

@Monica Green thanks!  I don't think I'd really understood what people meant when they said gender euphoria was a thing but I think I do now.

[Ann W]

That was a sweet story @Kelly2509.  I'm glad you shared it.  Some of the smallest things are the best!

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[Jackie C.]

That sounds lovely @Kelly2509. I find myself a little more touchy-feely (OK, a lot more) than I was pre-HRT and it's OK for a male and female friend to hug. It really does sound like you had a nice time. Hugging a friend you haven't seen in a while seems like a perfectly normal female reaction.

 

Hugs!

[Kelly2509]

Thanks @Ann W and @Jackie C.!  I'm happy you enjoyed it!  Hugs in the before-times were always kind of awkward for me, this one was surprisingly not so!   Maybe feeling more "me" than I'm used to helped pull down the internal barriers a little

 

[Susan R]

Hi @Kelly2509, Thank you for sharing this story. These ‘eye opening’ affirming moments seem to happen a lot during our transitions. The experiences seem new but also the way it’s supposed to be.

 

I can relate to this ‘change’ in the way we socialize and what becomes the new normal. Those moments of feeling pure of heart as your authentic self are something we both likely missed growing up. It’s a wonderful thing to get to experience them..finally!!

 

I’m happy you enjoyed your true self while out with your friend.

 

*Hugs*

Susan R?

[Kelly2509]

@Susan R you are so welcome!  This was kind of my first 'eye opening' affirming moment and hopefully far from the last!  I totally agree with what you said about missing this stuff growing up.  I can clearly remember how awkward I felt in nearly every similar situation while I was growing up but last weekend it finally felt comfortable.  ❤️