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There is a void and I dont understand what it is


MaybeImSkylar

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Hello, 

(Excuse my English, is not my first language )

I am someone who is still in the questioning situation about my sexuality and gender identity. And I sort of need help and quidance. Its a bit of a big story but I will try to keep it brief. 

 

I was born as a female and only twice in my life have question my gender identity and right now is that second time. I happend before,during and after my first girlfriend.  She is a transwoman pre-op and she is my first sexual expirience with the same sex. I have had sex with her as the switch position and the times I was the top I enjoyed it but there was something missing. This is a fear I had before I started exploring with women or at least the homosexual side of me; meaning sleeping with the same sex and I dont get actually stimulated by being the giver or climax at the same time as it is with heterosexual sex. Which I feel is the same case I have rn, I enjoyed it and it was exciting being with a woman but there was something missing. I know there are other ways but what if it doesnt work? On some point I felt like I wanted a man's reprotactive system so i can enjoy sleeping with women. 

 

There is this urge that I want this to work and I am scared what is I am poser after all. BUT here is the thing, I dont only feel like I want to be "masculine" only in sex. I recently found myself being keen on more baggy clothes and androgynous eventho in the past I hated it and made me feel ugly. I felt is a girl trying so hard to look like a man even I behaved,dressed, acted more "feminen" for the opposite sex to be accepted , it felt too much. It was exhausting, like who am I?

 

I am attaching a file that my friend send me this year about heterosexuality and the steryotypes within it and help understand about being a lesbian. 

 

Right now I feel like I am lost, thinking of trasitioning into a man doesn't seem appealing in the sense of having a male reproductive system, I still want to own what I have but be masculine but I dont feel feminen, this is so confusing.  Also thinking about men naked seem even more unattractive than before, but I feel like a man with nothing down there seem more appealing? I don't know if this makes sense, but I feel like I am mad or I am a Karen at the end of the day which makes me so sad and upset.

 

I hope you enjoy my ted talk and the attached file 

 

https://www.docdroid.net/N46Ea3o/copy-of-am-i-a-lesbian-masterdoc-pdf#page=2 

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  • Forum Moderator

There's nothing wrong with being a women who presents in a more masculine manner. My aunt did it and we all loved her. By the same token, there are some lovely non-binary people here and out in the world who don't especially feel like either binary gender. I would advise you to dress how you feel comfortable.

 

Now, I have no earthly idea what the environment in Cyprus is like for the LGBTQ+ community, (Though my quick internet search says the EU enforces a certain level of rights) but it seems like you should be OK presenting in a manner that doesn't fit the gender binary, which is fantastic. So... experiment. Find out what makes you feel the most like you. Maybe not your whole wardrobe at once, but pick out things and looks that make you feel the most like yourself. Like I said, masculine lesbians exist. Non-binary people exist. You exist. Try to become the very best you that you can be. You absolutely deserve to be comfortable in your own skin.

 

So, on to the sex talk: Toys exist. If you find you want to add something "extra" to please a woman, that's completely a thing you can buy at your local shop. Personally, I don't find it that appealing but I have friends who do. What makes you happy in the bedroom is a special part of you.

Mechanically... my metaphorical hat is off to your heterosexual lovers if you consistently achieved simultaneous climax. My spouse and I generally take turns. You may find that in a more typical lesbian lovemaking session the foreplay goes on for longer than you might be used to with a male partner. Of course I don't know your male partners, but the average for lesbians is clocked at between one and two hours which lines up pretty neatly with my personal experience. Again, take your time with your partners and figure out what you're into. Communication is key. Presumably you know what you like so share that with your partner and have a blast getting to know each other's bodies.

 

Hugs! 

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Hi @MaybeImSkylar . As Jackie said, let what makes you comfortable guide you. While having a clearly defined label for your identity can be validating and comforting, don't beat yourself up if it's not currently clear to you. There are endless varieties of gender and sexual identity, and very often it's more nuanced than homo vs hetero, or male vs female. I, for one, salute you - whoever you are - you are valid, beautiful, and loveable. 

 

The confusion you speak of is relatable, and you're not alone. I identify as asexual, panromantic, and trans nonbinary. It took many painful years to come to the clarity I have at present (and no one ever reaches a point where personal self-discovery is complete). To give you an idea, I neither identify as female nor male. My birth certificate says female. I feel my personality is some combination of the two plus something other than either, but it's a homogeneous mix. So, it's not like I can separate the two and say in this instance I'm more female and in another, I'm more male. I'm just me all the time, and whereas I used to feel frightened and disgusted with myself, I have become much more accepting. Before I became more accepting, I used to wear men's clothes and preferred them, but hated myself for it. Then, I began to present very femme, but it felt exhausting, like I was always being judged. I've never had sexual attraction for anyone in what most people would consider a natural manner. I've experienced romantic feelings for people of a variety of genders. I am married to a cis man, and although I don't desire him sexually, the attraction I feel for him seems to me more like how gay men enjoy men rather than how hetero women enjoy men. But, I'm not a man, nor am I sexual, so I could not say for sure - it's just an instinctual notion I have. 

 

So, as you can see, you're not alone in not having a clearly defined experience of your gender and sexuality. Try your best to learn to love yourself in every instance. Be comfortable. Celebrate you. Overcome perceived expectations. Have fun. And keep writing to us here - there are great friends to be had. I wish you the best. 

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