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I finally came out to my wife ?

Vanessa Michelle

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Hey y'all!

I know it's been a hot minute since I've been on here, but I wanted to jump on and post an update. After finding this site while seriously searching my gender identity and orientation about a year ago, and my wife and I really struggling with our marriage anyway, she asked me pointblank last week how I identify and what my orientation is. I felt she deserved an answer and was comfortable at this point telling her so I did. I feel much better having done so, though doing so has certainly guaranteed our marriage cannot be saved as she is solidly cis-het and not interested in being with someone who is not. I get it and am ok with that. I identify as transgender female and pansexual. It sucks though because it's hard and we do still love one another. It's going good though and we have talked about it and how we would like to proceed and remain friends regardless of our personal beliefs. As far as whether I will ever transition or not, I do not know. As of now, I do not plan too. I have long battled how valid I am if I don't transition, and have basically worked through all of that. I still need to find a gender therapist, but with our insurance changing at the end of the year it doesn't seem like the time. Our kids are very supportive of me and have become allies through all of this. I recently started a new job at a very inclusive company in a neighboring city and decided to be "out" on day one and even help them start a LGBTQIA+ group there (the company has an official one that we just needed to start at our particular site). I have several fellow queer friends at work now which makes things so much nicer. I want to thank you all for your support over the last year and helping me process all of my feelings and finding who I truly am after 46 years. While there are too many to tag, @Susan Ryou have been especially helpful. ❤️

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  • Forum Moderator

@Vanessa Michelle first - I am extremely proud of you. What you've been able to process and move forward with in all respects you've mentioned is incredibly brave. I think if you can find a gender therapist and maybe invite your wife if she's willing, that might help as well. As far as @Susan R you are absolutely right, she is an amazing woman I'm also fortunate enough to call friend.

Hugs (super Hugs),


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12 hours ago, Vanessa Michelle said:

Our kids are very supportive of me and have become allies through all of this. I recently started a new job at a very inclusive company in a neighboring city and decided to be "out"

Vanessa Michelle…I can understand how difficult this is with uncertainty in your marriage. I congratulate you on your decision to come out to your wife. IMHO, Honesty and openness is best for relationships with a spouse. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t. But I’m sure regardless of the final outcome, a heavy weight has been lifted for you. I wish you the best on this continuing journey and hope you continue being the vital part of our community here. Also, thank you (and @Heather Shay) for the very nice compliment.


Always My Best,

Susan R?

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I hope that we can live in a world where folks don't need to have the courage of a daredevil simply to be themselves. America is a very ignorant and bigoted nation. Given it's collective IQ and crazy societal belief systems I suspect enlightenment is a long ways off.


My bi-gender is not a problem for me and currently I'm in male mode but beyond that, I don't care what most people think of me, including and especially my blood family. I give them due respect but I rarely get it in return. 


When dealing with certain people there is a term know as JADE. It stands for Justify Argue Defend and Explain. When dealing with closed minded people you will lose if you try to Justify Argue Defend or Explain yourself to them. You may get through to them and you may not. 


Cis males and females don't have to justify, defend, argue about or explain who they are and neither do LGBTQ folks.  Loving family will accept and respect their loved ones. 



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Vanessa Michelle, I am glad your children are supportive. Coming out to your wife can be hard, but is the right thing to do. I wish you the best and will add both of you to my prayers. Having a cis-het spouse can make it difficult but not impossible. I agree with Heather Shay about therapy for your wife if it becomes possible and she is willing.




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Congrats ion telling your wife. I see you've made several friends already. I love your avatar.



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