Nonbinary dysphoria

[Vidanjali]

Hi all. Today was my second appointment with a new physical therapist who specializes in the relatively rare medical condition I have. I mention the specialty because it was a long time coming to find someone who could help with my specific issues. I think she is an excellent therapist. But, her personality is such that she makes A LOT of gender-specific comments, like of the woman power and battle of the sexes variety. On the intake form I filled out for her practice, I was asked my preferred pronouns, and I selected they/them/theirs. I feel that while some medical facilities now ask those sorts of questions, that's it's a mere token if they don't actually read the answer and honor it. I'm not out at large as nonbinary; I've only disclosed that to a few people. I actually felt I had to summon the courage to select they/them on the form, but that courage may just have rather been utter discontent at the idea of selecting she/her just to not make a fuss or some such. During our first visit, she made a lot of "we women" this and that comments, implying my complicity. I just kind of stared off into space and didn't say anything. When she was checking and measuring my posture, she asked me to take my shirt off and I told her I don't wear a bra. She began to offer advice about comfortable sports bras, and I interrupted her to tell her I'm not interested in wearing a bra at all. She asked if it hurt to wear one. I replied that yes, it did. I did not share that it hurts me not only physically, but psychically. In total, the first visit was good. I felt very confident that she'd be able to help me. Second visit today, we did training. There was talk of super woman posture, and how we're super women, etc. It's rather excessive, all the woman talk. I'd imagine possibly no one who IDs as a woman might notice. I was very tired today, and I was working very hard on an exercise that required me to be mindful of lots of things that I had no muscle memory of yet. At one point she was correcting some part of my alignment and referred to it as "grown up girl" posture. That honestly freaked me out, but I finished the reps of the exercise. She asked, how do you feel? I calmly replied: emotional, I need a break, excuse me. I went back into the examining room we were in previously and shut the door most of the way, and began to sob. For one thing, I felt my nerves were really taxed from withstanding all the "womaning" stuff. The "girling" was too much for me - adding the infantilization to the mix just made me feel so gross. She came a moment later and asked if I needed something. I asked for some water. She brought it. I told her that I'm aware that sometimes emotions can get released when you're working on opening up various parts of the body. I told her in our first session that I have PTSD, and I told her today that when she said "grown up girl" (the phrase turns my stomach just reflecting on it now) while correcting my posture, that it triggered bad memories from my childhood of my father constantly criticizing my posture (I have some mild spinal deformations, for goodness sake) and appearance. I told her that I was not upset with her, that I was just upset and needed to cry to let it out. Now, what I told her is true about the trigger and the memory. I was tempted for a second to also tell her, look, I don't identify as a woman, but I felt too vulnerable and didn't want to risk emotions spiraling out of control - I was already upset. She was kind and offered a different phrase for the posture correction she referred to and asked if that sounded okay to me. It did, and I told her so and thanked her. I don't come out to too many people because I don't want to come off as extra or needy or "special". That's how I perceive myself when I imagine telling her, for example. It's troubling because if someone were to come out to me, I would feel celebratory and proud of them, but not myself. I need to strongly consider telling her next time we meet because I want to benefit from her expertise - she really is a renowned expert in her field and I believe she'll be able to help me. But if I continue to collect these negative impressions of visiting with her, it's going to impair my potential progress. As I'm writing, I think that's the answer. I guess this is the first time I've considered coming out to someone as a matter of practicality. 

 

In other news, I do have a new gender therapist appointment on the calendar, but it's three weeks away (and counting). 

 

Thanks for listening. 

[Davie]

@Vidanjali

Well put. I really identify with your thoughts and feelings about being non-binary gender. It's confusing to me because while I'm happy to let go of much of what being Male means in this country, it doesn't mean I want to throw myself into the Female camp either. That has stereotypes and roles of its own. I like opening up to who I really am no matter what someone says. That also means standing up for myself more—and that's not easy. I can't wait to see an identity form with 50 gender choices . . . or none at all. 

Cheers,

Davie

[justlauren]

There is so much in what you wrote that I can relate to. I bristle at anything that is both gender-based and infantilizing so I would have had the same reaction to "grown up girl" posture. Yuck.

 

The thing you said about having respect for others who are out and assert their identity, but not offering yourself that same compassion, resonates too. That seems like the key to this, based on what you wrote. Your identity matters -- look how much it matters! A potentially important healing moment for you was transformed into a really uncomfortable, upsetting experience when your identity was not known/respected. If you can come from a place of love and kindness (understanding that probably this person wants to help you heal, not trigger your trauma) and share the information about your gender identity coming from a place of helping you both have a positive partnership, maybe it will feel less like "trying to be special" (although you are, of course, special - you are a human walking this earth).

 

It sounds like you already know the answer and you are working to summon the courage necessary to do be honest with this person. Know that we are rooting for you, and you can absolutely do this. And if she has some sort of negative reaction, it probably won't be a helpful or healing partnership anyway.

 

[Vidanjali]

@Davie and @justlauren thanks so much for the replies. It's comforting to hear that my experience is understandable and relatable. I had another PT appointment today, but it was with the doctor's associate whom I met and worked with for the first time today. Her language pattern did not include excessive gendering which was a relief. I was prepared to play it by ear today, and come out to the doctor if I felt stressed by her language, but I didn't even see her today. I appreciate your camaraderie and support! 

[Davie]

@VidanjaliI've been through getting a new therapist several times now, with another starting Monday. It's very important that I set the tone to be completely safe and comfortable in therapy or nothing works. It's enough to be stressed by gender in the world out there—I deserve good therapy. You do too.

yours,

Davie

[Sol]

I've started telling my therapist my preferred pronouns recently (I prefer they/he over she/her), and she's been really great about that. 

But I definitely get the feeling of being upset and how it was too much with all the "girling" and "womaning." Just hearing it made me cringe, especially the "big girl posture." That makes me cringe so much, and I don't know why anyone would say that. You're grown, you shouldn't be infantalized. Heck, I don't think anyone should be infantilized, because it just undermines everything about them by reducing them down to a child with no idea what they want or feel (which isn't how children work at all). And it's good that you brought up that the phrase triggered you, and that she corrected it and ran it by with you. 

But you're not "extra" or "needy" or "special," it's you and what you're comfortable with. I keep struggling with this a lot too, so you're not the only one. I think I might be trans, but I worry about things like "taking away" the label from someone more deserving of it, even if that doesn't really make any sense. I'm working on just exploring my identity, because I'm still not sure on a lot of things, but just because you have things that make you uncomfortable that some people don't really think about doesn't make you "extra." You're just your own person with thoughts and feelings and wants and things that make you uncomfortable. 

And you shouldn't have to come out if you don't feel safe or comfortable, because I know that coming out to anyone is hard and stressful and really scary. Maybe there are ways to guide the conversation away from the "woman power" and "battle of the sexes" thing (which I still really don't understand), like bringing up some other topic. I'm not really sure, as I've only met someone who talked like this once and I just left the conversation, but I don't think you want to do that because physical therapy is important and can improve your health. Really, that's up to you if you're comfortable with it. 

[Vidanjali]

Thanks for the support @Sol . Turns out only my first two appts were with the PT doctor (the "womanizer" lol), and I've been working with another therapist at her facility my last three visits. The 2nd therapist and I communicate well, and I'm learning a lot which is really cool. Funny enough, they also moved to a different suite in the same building the day I began to work with the 2nd therapist, so the change in therapist plus change in environs was helpful for sort of resetting my impression. I feel a lot more comfortable there now, and if I see the dr again for any of my appts, I think I'll be able to respond differently, especially since I've had some time to process my experience with her. You raise and interesting point, @Sol . It is easier, safer, and more casual to assert you have some preference or another than it is to full on come out. How to approach it is the tricky part. Similarly, I try to assert a polite difference of perspective when I hear anyone say something bigoted in conversation because I believe it's important to speak up and educate. I must contemplate how to do this with regard to myself. So, how does one tell someone not to refer to them as a woman without telling them they're trans if they don't want to? Something to contemplate. 

[Oceans3]

Glad we can be a safe space for you to externally process