Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

Finding Pixie, a poem


Davie

Recommended Posts

Finding Pixie

 

After Father beat the feminine
side of me to death at age five and
continued a year until sure Pixie’s 

corpse would never rise again,
I adopted a new identity—
something acceptable, I hoped.
I became the Indian brave, Arrow.

 

I read all about American’s natives
in the family set of encyclopedias.
Thousands of tribes including
a local tribe called the Pomos.

 

I carved a wooden knife and
bow and arrows out of redwood.
I adapted sullen gazes from faces
I’d seen on our sullen TV screen.
It became useful, but obvious
to my sister, my mother, Father.

 

Father bought me a cowboy hat.
He bought matching silver pistols.
Cowboy boots. A BB gun that

shot real but tiny bullets.
It put me a long distance apart
from Pixie, from my sister, Father,
and from myself.

 

I climb tall trees. I ride my bike
along the shore until I fall over.
I sift sand, searching for the bones
of my distanced girlhood.
I sit and watch the waves I know
come from China, the birthplace
of my ancestors’ ancestors—
but I never find a clue,
until I find Pixie again,
hidden in a tree,
looking at her feet.

 

—— Davie

Link to comment

Weakness

 

Love is too weak
a word for this.
I’m sick and I don’t
want a doctor.
I’m broke and I don’t
want your money.
I’m on the run but
tell the police where.
I’m right here. Here.
Love is too
weak a word.

Link to comment
  • 2 weeks later...

Death Returns Not    

 

Toots says catch a brook trout
among lilypad tangles by bobbing
a worm on a short line, dipping the  
fishing-pole tip quick to the water.

 

Toots goes limp, falls into the aisle
of the schoolbus. It stops. His eyes
don’t blink, his lips move, but only

underwater words can swim out.  
He’s a limp teddy bear, pale as milk.

 

I carry half Toots body off the bus.
The bus driver stares into my face,
with eyes that won’t look away—
I can’t answer them. Toots is dead?
It takes a week for the Green family
to tell our family that Toots lives, but
Polio tries to carry him away to a hell
without a mill creek, without a trout,
to the Presidio of San Francisco.

 

Toots gets new lungs made of iron
but they have swallowed him whole
without worms or without real legs.
If Toots dies, I will die too. I held death
in my hands once, but it didn’t speak.  
All the polio kids of San Francisco
can’t put his legs together again.
It was nine months ago. He needs
to come home and catch trout.

 

I’m stealing away to give him my legs,
and bring him back home to Mill Creek.
San Francisco knows nothing of legs,
but while he was gone I found love, so
I’m going to the city, give him my legs—
boys who catch fish in mill creeks
need to climb waterfalls like trout,
climb waterfalls like trout.

 

      11-16-21
 

 

Link to comment
  • 4 weeks later...

Deer Hunting Knife

 

This is my deer
hunting knife—
Six-inch blade,
sharp, very sharp.
I killed a young buck
—I cut the jugular,
watch him bleed,
kick his hooves, roll
his eyes at me,
and moan, moan.

 

Father was proud,
though he couldn’t
kill one himself.

In death he was
beautiful as in life,
immortal in my eyes,
my knife. I even
see his eyes in
every vegetable
on my fork.

 

Link to comment

Hi @Davie it's been a while since I've taken time to enjoy your writing. Thank you! So, this is just my perspective on reading the Deer Hunting Knife, though the second stanza lost me, were the eyes those of the knife, or the deer? For me a knife is a vital tool, metaphorically I saw it as cutting away the masculinity I am trying to shed, sometimes that part of me does seem to want to live as it kicks, rolls it's eyes & moans in throes of death.

 

Hugs!

Davie

Link to comment

Thanks, @Delcina B. I just wrote it and posted it quickly, so it's still a work in progress, and raw, I'd say. It's a true story, but it also can be thought of as metaphorical. Yes, the second stanza is confusing . . . somewhat on purpose because it's an event that touches many points: in time, in personas, in principles. I'll reconsider it and put up an edit at some point, but it means something important to me today and so it's important to post it for some reason. Usually, I never post an unfinished piece. But let's see if if flies this time.

cheers,

Davie

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   3 Members, 0 Anonymous, 127 Guests (See full list)

    • Faye1972
    • Petra Jane
    • Karen Carey
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,942
    • Most Online
      8,356

    taxicab
    Newest Member
    taxicab
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Amyjay
      Amyjay
      (58 years old)
    2. bettyjean
      bettyjean
    3. Breanna
      Breanna
      (52 years old)
    4. Emily Ayla
      Emily Ayla
    5. JET182
      JET182
  • Posts

    • Susan R
      Love it! This is great news. We need more of this to combat the excessive hate-filled rhetoric and misinformation. 👍
    • Susan R
      The experience was the same for me @April Marie. I slept much deeper and I woke up each morning feeling so much more restful sleeping with forms solidly in place. For me, wearing breast forms at night started when before I was a teenager. I had no access up to modern breast forms and certainly no way to buy mastectomy bras back then. I wore a basic bra my mom had put in a donation box and two pairs of soft cotton socks. I have some crazy memories of things I did in my youth to combat my GD but regardless, these makeshift concoctions helped me work through it all.   All My Best, Susan R🌷
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Colorado isn't exactly a Republican place, and won't become one anytime soon.  I think those folks might be better off not spending their time playing Don Quixote.    We certainly have our share of California "refugees" moving into where I live, so I wouldn't be surprised to start seeing Coloradans too.  I suspect the trend over the next few years will see the blue areas getting more blue and the red areas getting more red as anybody who can relocate tries to find a place where they fit better.   
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Well, at least it'll be a place some folks could choose.  Options are a good thing.
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      My family would have gobbled that jar up in a minute or two.  When we do have pickled herring, its usually for Christmas.  I didn't grow up with that particular dish, but I grew up in a Greek family so I like just about any kind of fish if I can get it.  However, ocean fish and freshwater fish taste so different.  We usually have more catfish and tilapia to eat than anything else.    What I can't quite get used to is the tons of cabbage my GF insists on eating.  When you live with a Russian, there is always cabbage soup.  Always.  When I first moved in with her, breakfast was "shchi" for soup and either bread or "kasha" which is a bowl of boiled buckwheat with butter and salt.  Those dishes can be made in any number of ways, some are better than others.  In the winter, it can even be salty and sour like kraut.  Not exactly sauerkraut, but packed in tubs with vinegar and salt so it keeps partially for the winter.  But I drew the line when the cabbage soup included pieces of fried snake one day.  😆
    • Ashley0616
      Good evening to you as well @Mmindy   That is awesome that you have support from her side. My dad has communicated with me once and that was because he was forced to. His new wife wanted to spend time with my kids. He hated me so much he was in the process of taking my rights away as a parent to my two boys. He was talking to a lawyer and I called him out on it. I don't love him at all. I'll respect him because I wouldn't be here without him but I wished I had another father. My uncles don't talk to me and unfriended me on Facebook. Almost all cousins except for two are still Facebook friends but they don't give me any support. My mom said she won't support me with that but she has said that she loves me. I have nieces and nephews that are still Facebook friends but they have yet to talk to me. I have one sister that supports me out of three. The other's disrespect me by deadnaming me. They have never called me their sister. I think for them they think it's still a phase. They don't ask questions about me being trans. I have to bring it up and on the look of their faces they don't look comfortable about it. 
    • Mmindy
      Good evening @Ashley0616,   I just got offline with HP tech support trying to get my printer tool box icon locked to my tool bar. This is one of the most important features of my printer that I like because it keeps track of ink, paper, and scanned documents. I'm diffidently not a computer geek.   I'll catch up with the other bookmarks next week. We leave to go home for the Easter Holiday with our families. Saturday with her side, and Sunday with my side. What's odd about that is I'm out to more of her side and they're reluctantly supportive. My side on the other hand are less supportive, and my sister just under me in age will not acknowledge my being there. She will be constantly moving to keep from dealing with me. I'm dead to her.   Hugs,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋  
    • Ashley0616
      I used to follow baseball and the team I would cheer for is Boston Red Sox. My favorite player was Papi. He was an awesome guy and even held a child during the National Anthem. I haven't watched baseball for a long time. It just died off to me. 
    • Ashley0616
      That stinks that nothing transferred, and no bookmarks were saved! 
    • Ashley0616
      I'm doing patches for now but I think soon I'll go to shots because it's hard to alternate when you are doing two xx patches at once. Unless she gives me Estradiol and progesterone
    • Sally Stone
      Go Cleveland Guardians!  I love baseball and I loved playing it when I was younger.  
    • Sally Stone
      My view is we are "dependent" on government, because as a society, we are too lazy to stay actively involved. So, we let politicians do our bidding for us.  I think we'd be in a better place government wise if we policed the actions of our politicians.  We elected them; they work for us.  Sadly, we are allowing them to run amok.  We are where we are because we have chosen to let politicians make all decisions without us.  Remember "by the people, for the people?" That was the intent of our democracy.  Today, however, it is "by the politicians, for the politicians," the people be damned. 
    • Mmindy
      "Play Ball! Batter Up!" is the closing line of the National Anthem as far as I'm concerned. It's the call of the Home Plate Umpire and signals the start of the game. I grew up in the TV and Radio broadcast of the St. Louis Cardinals. Harry Caray, Jack Buck, Tim McCarver, and Mike Shannon, were the voices on my transistor radio. KMOX 1120 AM pushing 50,000 watts of Class A clear-channel non-directional signal. It could be picked up all across MO, IL, IN to the East. KS, OK, CO to the West. IA, MN to the North, and KY, TN, AR to the South. There has always been a rivalry against the Chicago Cubs, in the National League. As for the American League, I have to pull for the Kansas City Royals. I've also been a Little League Umpire, and fan of everything the Little League stands for. Going to Williamsport, PA and seeing the Little League World Series is in my top 10 things to do on my bucket list.   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • Mmindy
      Good evening everyone,   I don't think my mother ever cooked a meal that I didn't like. We also had a kitchen where mom fixed the food, dad filled your plate, and you eat it. It wasn't until our baby brother was born that we could have Pop-Tarts for snacks. Before that all snacks had to meet mom's approval, and in her opinion wouldn't prevent you from eating supper.   Well my day started off on a good note, but has become frustrating because my IT person didn't transfer my saved videos I use for teaching. Then I found out that they didn't save any of my book marks for websites I use frequently.   Best wishes, stay motivated,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋
    • MaeBe
      The number is relative to method of deliver, the time of the dose, and when the blood is drawn. However, I do want to keep away from DVT and other potential issues. I assume I may be getting backed down from my current dose, but my doc told me to stick with the higher dose, so? I also wonder if this has anything to do the my breast growth and mental changes that have been happening over the past few years, like I have some estrogen sensitivity so a little goes a long way or something? I don't have enough data to postulate, but who knows!   With weekly, subcutaneous, shots you expect to see big swings of serum level estradiol from shot to peak to trough. My doctor is interested in mid-week testing (for E and T levels only), which would be post-peak blood serum levels but they will be higher than trough. Most, if not all, resources I've seen online is to measure at trough (which I might do just to do it next time) along with a SHBG, LH, and other metrics.   This is from transfemscience.org for Estradiol valerate in oil, which is very spiky compared to some other estradiol combinations. It's also for intramuscular, which will have a slower uptake and is usually dosed in higher volume due to the slower absorption rate from muscles. They don't have subcutaneous numbers, which I would expect to see similar spikes but higher levels at similar doses due to the relatively higher absorption rate direct from fat.   Are you doing pills, shots, or patches? And when you do get your levels checked are you getting that done when your levels are lowest or some other time?
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...