A… non-event with a trigger warning.

[Phoenix]

Like the title says, nothing really happened in the take I have to share… but I can definitely trigger some who were not so lucky.

 

I’ve been in trauma therapy since August. After some writing assignments, things got really real, I guess. Tears and dark thoughts flowed regularly. Some dark thoughts came after an “almost incident” a few weeks ago.

 

A few weeks ago or so… my friends and I went to see Shang-Chi.  Due to a minor scheduling conflict with their imminent return to work, friend 1 decided to slip out at the half-way point.  They were just going to call an Uber so neither I nor friend 2 would have to leave the movie. 

Friend 2, being friend 1’s original ride, decided to take them back home himself.  I didn’t think much about it other than “Bummer, they’re going to miss the rest of the movie.”  
 

That was until the movie ended and I stepped out into a nearly empty parking lot after dark. 

Suddenly I found myself saying “I’ve seen this movie, it doesn’t end well for me.”  I was wearing a dark gray shirt, light denim skirt, black tights and my new favorite “sky-high” heels.

 

As I got into the main parking garage area, I saw a large pick-up truck idling with its headlights on between me and my rental car.  Cue the more serious repeat of my line “I’ve seen this movie, it doesn’t end well for me.”

 

And I had a choice to make.  I could have gone back inside to get a security officer to walk me to the car.  I could have called someone so at least I’d have contact if something happened.  I could have run to the car… okay I’m not sure about this option because they really are “sky-high” heels.

 

Did I take any preventative safety measures as my “spider-sense” was tingling? No.  Instead I held my head up, my shoulders back and walked to the car. 
 

Nothing happened, thankfully.
 

A few nights ago, amidst yet another dark thought-provoking crying fit and while talking with someone on a social media site, I brought up a question: “Did I really think that idling pickup truck was safe to walk past or was I tempting fate as a subconscious need to court something like what I failed to protect my friends from?”

 

After a brief back and forth (“What’s the answer?” “What’s the answer?” “I asked you first.”) I thought about it. 

 

I think it was equal parts residual bravado from the “old me;” lack of concern for my own well being; belief that they really were just waiting to pick someone up, and… the thought that I deserved whatever they would have done to me.

 

Therapy last Monday caused not only a two-day crying event, it also caused a flood of dark thoughts. And every time I try to shut them out, they get longer… more detailed… like my mind is fleshing out a book I’m not writing.

 

I don’t know how to stop these thoughts… or my tears.

 

I just don’t know. It feels like they come and go all on their own.

[Delcina B]

@Phoenix I'm glad you're okay & nothing happened. For me when I am in situations where it doesn't feel right, I try to think through, is it a rational, or unfounded fear? I've had both & sometimes don't figure it out until after. You mentioned not being able to protect your friends; I have family where I've dealt with similar guilt. It was hard to accept that it happened & I can't change it, but over time I have been able to let it go. In a way it's like grieving a loved one who passed, the feelings of both hurt & tore at my soul. I learned to accept I can't change things in the past, but I can try to live today being the best person I can be. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Phoenix]

16 hours ago, Delcina B said:

@Phoenix I'm glad you're okay & nothing happened. For me when I am in situations where it doesn't feel right, I try to think through, is it a rational, or unfounded fear? I've had both & sometimes don't figure it out until after. You mentioned not being able to protect your friends; I have family where I've dealt with similar guilt. It was hard to accept that it happened & I can't change it, but over time I have been able to let it go. In a way it's like grieving a loved one who passed, the feelings of both hurt & tore at my soul. I learned to accept I can't change things in the past, but I can try to live today being the best person I can be. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

I’m still working on the acceptance and letting go of the guilt.

 

One incident was over 20 years ago and still bothers me.

[Delcina B]

@Phoenix For me it took & takes a 12 step program to live this thing called life. It's a good day today in spite of myself & others.

 

Hugs!

Delcina