Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

A… non-event with a trigger warning.


Phoenix

Recommended Posts

Like the title says, nothing really happened in the take I have to share… but I can definitely trigger some who were not so lucky.

 

I’ve been in trauma therapy since August. After some writing assignments, things got really real, I guess. Tears and dark thoughts flowed regularly. Some dark thoughts came after an “almost incident” a few weeks ago.

 

A few weeks ago or so… my friends and I went to see Shang-Chi.  Due to a minor scheduling conflict with their imminent return to work, friend 1 decided to slip out at the half-way point.  They were just going to call an Uber so neither I nor friend 2 would have to leave the movie. 

Friend 2, being friend 1’s original ride, decided to take them back home himself.  I didn’t think much about it other than “Bummer, they’re going to miss the rest of the movie.”  
 

That was until the movie ended and I stepped out into a nearly empty parking lot after dark. 

Suddenly I found myself saying “I’ve seen this movie, it doesn’t end well for me.”  I was wearing a dark gray shirt, light denim skirt, black tights and my new favorite “sky-high” heels.

 

As I got into the main parking garage area, I saw a large pick-up truck idling with its headlights on between me and my rental car.  Cue the more serious repeat of my line “I’ve seen this movie, it doesn’t end well for me.”

 

And I had a choice to make.  I could have gone back inside to get a security officer to walk me to the car.  I could have called someone so at least I’d have contact if something happened.  I could have run to the car… okay I’m not sure about this option because they really are “sky-high” heels.

 

Did I take any preventative safety measures as my “spider-sense” was tingling? No.  Instead I held my head up, my shoulders back and walked to the car. 
 

Nothing happened, thankfully.
 

A few nights ago, amidst yet another dark thought-provoking crying fit and while talking with someone on a social media site, I brought up a question: “Did I really think that idling pickup truck was safe to walk past or was I tempting fate as a subconscious need to court something like what I failed to protect my friends from?”

 

After a brief back and forth (“What’s the answer?” “What’s the answer?” “I asked you first.”) I thought about it. 

 

I think it was equal parts residual bravado from the “old me;” lack of concern for my own well being; belief that they really were just waiting to pick someone up, and… the thought that I deserved whatever they would have done to me.

 

Therapy last Monday caused not only a two-day crying event, it also caused a flood of dark thoughts. And every time I try to shut them out, they get longer… more detailed… like my mind is fleshing out a book I’m not writing.

 

I don’t know how to stop these thoughts… or my tears.

 

I just don’t know. It feels like they come and go all on their own.

Link to comment

@Phoenix I'm glad you're okay & nothing happened. For me when I am in situations where it doesn't feel right, I try to think through, is it a rational, or unfounded fear? I've had both & sometimes don't figure it out until after. You mentioned not being able to protect your friends; I have family where I've dealt with similar guilt. It was hard to accept that it happened & I can't change it, but over time I have been able to let it go. In a way it's like grieving a loved one who passed, the feelings of both hurt & tore at my soul. I learned to accept I can't change things in the past, but I can try to live today being the best person I can be. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment
16 hours ago, Delcina B said:

@Phoenix I'm glad you're okay & nothing happened. For me when I am in situations where it doesn't feel right, I try to think through, is it a rational, or unfounded fear? I've had both & sometimes don't figure it out until after. You mentioned not being able to protect your friends; I have family where I've dealt with similar guilt. It was hard to accept that it happened & I can't change it, but over time I have been able to let it go. In a way it's like grieving a loved one who passed, the feelings of both hurt & tore at my soul. I learned to accept I can't change things in the past, but I can try to live today being the best person I can be. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

I’m still working on the acceptance and letting go of the guilt.

 

One incident was over 20 years ago and still bothers me.

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 159 Guests (See full list)

    • Mmindy
    • Adrianna Danielle
    • phys
    • Charlize
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.5k
    • Total Posts
      767.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      11,939
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Chaidoesart
    Newest Member
    Chaidoesart
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. **Angela Charlotte **
      **Angela Charlotte **
    2. Carlie
      Carlie
      (63 years old)
    3. Cbxshawn
      Cbxshawn
      (49 years old)
    4. HannahO
      HannahO
      (31 years old)
    5. JustKatie
      JustKatie
      (40 years old)
  • Posts

    • Charlize
      It certainly could be classed as dark humor.  Unfortunately the sentiments alone must hurt young trans folks.  Decency and reality doesn't seem to be in the GOP's vocabulary.   Hugs,   Charlize
    • Mmindy
      Good morning all,    It’s a frosty morning here the lawn looks silvery, and the uncovered spring flowers have icy edges on their leaves. The only flower bed I covered was my tulips. As nice as it is here during the day, our clear wind free nights allow the temperatures to drop into the mid twenties. Here in our growing zone it’s recommended that you not plant delicate plants until Mother’s Day. Central Indiana can have snow as late as the third week of May. The birds are active at the feeders, I’ve had my cup of yoghurt and morning meds. So I’ll sit here, drink coffee and watch the as the sunrise chases the frost from the yard.    @awkward-yet-sweet I could eat black eyed peas as a side for every meal. Boil them plain or with fatback. Served as a leftover, just add in a little Rotel Original Diced Tomatoes & Green Chilies.  Make the best of your day,   Mindy🌈🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋    
    • Mirrabooka
      I hope y'all look at this one. A catchy tune released at the end of Covid lockdown. Scarlett is so cute!!!     
    • Heather Shay
    • Mirrabooka
    • Mirrabooka
      Had a weird dream last night.
    • Mirrabooka
      Morning, y'all. Evening here; we had the regulation three mugs full today. Now it's time to drink something else.     No big plans here either, eldest daughter and granddaughter will be arriving on Saturday, and we will have our granddaughter to ourselves for a week after that. We still have plans though. Tuesday we'll go to the swim center, Wednesday we'll take a road trip to visit my mom, Thursday we'll get some mulch delivered to top up the gardens.   I still make other small plans on a daily basis though. The things I do plan nowadays, which is a bit new for me, is that after pinching a nerve and ending up in a bit of pain and getting some treatment from the physio, I am more motivated than ever to exercise more regularly. Tuesday for example, I went for a short (15 minute) early morning walk, went to the pool for some hydrotherapy, and mowed the lawns. Yesterday I did my exercise reps and spent some time on the exercise bike. Today, I went for a 45-minute walk, tomorrow I will do my reps again and go for a long bike ride. As long as I do at least one thing every day, right? The pleasing thing is that I'm losing weight! I blew out to above 95kg early in the year and I'm just under 91kg now. Yay me!
    • Heather Shay
      What one piece of advice would you give to beginning transitioners or considering transition?
    • Heather Shay
      Positive side of the mixed bag.
    • Heather Shay
      Boredom is an emotional state that comes when a person has nothing to do, and is not interested in anything. To stop boredom, most people do something to occupy or amuse themselves. The first known use of the word boredom is in the novel Bleak House by Charles Dickens, written in 1852, but the saying to be a bore had been used to mean "to be tiresome or dull" since 1768. When referring to the mind, boredom is a bad state in which the person feels a deep lack of interest in what is going on around them, and where it is hard to focus.
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Heather Shay
    • Mirrabooka
      ^ Your story gives inspiration to others.
    • April Marie
      Growing stronger and confident every day.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...