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Changing name, struggling with fit and outing all my identities and legal processes across 3 states.


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I'm legally transitioning from AFAB to genderqueer (on BC, DL, and [eventually] passport) and changing my first/middle/last names. Doing everything all at once because paperwork is an expensive emotionally draining nightmare.

Current initials are SJK, have gone by SJ for years. Might keep the first two initials to ease the transition. Something like Sky Jay or Sage Jasper or Sun Juniper or Starling Jade or...

 

My birth parents have made it clear they are not supportive of my identities, and I'm eager to pick a new last name asap.

 

Currently struggling b/c I would take my partner Q's last name in a heartbeat, but my other committed relationship (with D) is more public so I'd cause a lot of conflict and have a lot of explaining to do. Q also has A LOT of medical issues so I'm becoming their power of attorney. And while I understand that POA outweighs marriage legally, shouldn't I just do everything I can? Meaning, be POA and have Q's last name and be their spouse and on their insurance/whatever else I can access. 

 

I told Q that I'm nervous about burning bridges if I take their last name. Their response: "What bridges? If they can't handle you changing names, they're not very strong"

I discussed with D that I'm considering marriage (after YEARS of LOUDLY calling the institution unequal and hierarchical and unfeminist) and they are advising me to do POA to avoid doing something I hate. And make up my own last name. Like Harbor, or Haven, or Foster.

1- I don't want to be alone. As poetic as it could be to choose my own last name, I don't want to choose to distance myself from my family (for valid/healthy/hard reasons) and then be ...isolated. I know that wouldn't change the reality that I do have support systems but "family names" matter. And Q's family has wholeheartedly accepted me, and all of my identities and trauma.

2-I have this very strongly imagined situation where Q is in some sort of medical emergency. And I'm not able to get through to Q b/c the socially acceptable thing looked for is marriage. I might have to prove POA and precious seconds could be lost in a crisis situation. I don't know how realistic that is, and it probably depends on a lot of factors. But this is the type thing I'm stressing myself out about.

 

-outing myself to my entire family as polyamorous (some know already, and some of those who know are chill)

-while asking/telling them to use new pronouns

-while asking/telling them to use a new name

-potentially outing D to their family as polyamorous

-o and choosing a name that fits.

 

Something short and easy to spell/pronounce. Unisex or neutral or maybe even leaning slightly male so there's a noticeable change that brings in the pronoun discussion. I'm worried that SKy has too much of my previous initials in it. That it only "fits" b/c it's too similar. But "River," my favorite name on paper, doesn't register as a name to me when people say it out loud. I'm scared of doing all the social and legal work to change everything and *not loving* my new name. I'm scared people will laugh at me in professional contexts if I choose something "too" nature based. I'm scared that correcting people constantly will be so much uncomfortable effort that I'll want to give up and go back and change my mind. I worry that "trying on" new names with partners feels like endearing pet names. I don't know what I want on documents except that I'm crawling out of my skin with what I currently have so NOT changing anything isn't an option. I don't know how to make or find a name that clicks. I have pages of ideas and have been at this for months now. I've started filling out paperwork...and I'm ready to start transitioning I just don't know what to call myself. 

 

How did you pick yours? What were your aha moments like? Did you aim to keep your initials? What types of things did you play with to come up with name options?

Any other advise/pm's welcome. I'm literally picking myself apart (skin & nails, out of anxiety).

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