Straight cis woman dating m-f partner

[Heather0585]

Hi everyone! I'm new here seeking advice, insights, resources, etc, for navigating the world of dating someone who is trans. I'm 36 and have always identified myself as an open minded straight cis woman. I've also been an LGBTQIA? ally pretty much my whole life. My dating and relationship history up until this point has entirely been heteronormative. Recently I met the most amazing m-f woman and my world got flipped upside down in all the best ways possible. ? I'm looking to connect with anyone who has had a similar experience, whether it be a cis person who has been in a relationship with someone trans or vice versa. Thanks in advance and I'm looking forward to chatting with you all!

[Jackie C.]

Well, a lot of us have (or had) partners from before we came out who identify as straight. My own spouse is an excellent example. Full disclaimer: This is my situation and my observations. They don't apply to everyone.

 

Romantically you'll need to be more on your game than you would be with a cis-man. She likes attention and being romanced just as much as you do. She might also want you to be the "aggressive" partner from time to time. There's also a certain amount of "best friend with benefits" going on.

 

On the plus side, communication. Both of you are fully able to communicate your wants and needs. Use that. Your partner might need a minute to realize that she CAN communicate her wants and needs (if she was socialized male... well, actually TALKING out your problems isn't allowed).

 

In the bedroom. Here's where that whole ability to communicate comes in. Tell your partner what she wants and encourage her to do the same. Hopefully she'll be as into it as you are and... well, lesbian sessions tend to last way longer than what you get with cis/het men. My spouse had no idea she was living the good life. I always thought sex was SUPPOSED to last a couple of hours because I never compared notes with anyone else. I mean, why would you? That's private.

 

So yeah, that's us. My spouse currently identifies as straight plus me and I'm fine with that. 

 

Hugs!

[Susan R]

On 11/15/2021 at 6:06 PM, Heather0585 said:

? I'm looking to connect with anyone who has had a similar experience, whether it be a cis person who has been in a relationship with someone trans or vice versa.

Hello Heather, It’s a pleasure to read your post here. It’s not as common to have significant others at any point as active here, looking for answers. Jackie, as always, has given you some good advice. There are some additional specifics that I can recall in my own journey that would have helped my fully supportive spouse when I came out to her 3 years ago.

 

Transition is very fluid. Your partner may know where they want they want early on….but not everyone knows right out of the gate. So if you ask your partner, are you going to transition medically, surgically or just live and present as a woman part time or full time, their answer today might change a year from now. Mine did. Also, in these difficult times with a pandemic, many like myself, can be frustrated when things don’t go as planned with one’s transition. Timelines change. Relationships can change and struggles can ensure between family, friends and coworkers. Appointments, surgeries, expectations, etc…can be delayed or even canceled and that can make a transitioning partner struggle and sometimes become more emotional. Giving a partner a little extra grace and having a little more patience is a big plus for you both. Transition will be, at times, difficult for them just as it is for the significant other.

 

I don’t want to sound like the world comes to an end because that is not my intention. I am a realist and I like to tell it like it is. It is a difficult road and many can’t handle it but with love and a great deal of open communication relationships can blossom into something wonderful. I can tell you that my relationship with my wife is strongest it’s been during our entire 23 years of marriage. Many things have changed for my wife, she made adjustments along the way and now we are in a much better place. She had support of family and a few close friends which helped. So if you love this person now, transition can make this person even better and most importantly…happier.

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R?

[Heather0585]

Thank you both for replying! I want to preface by saying I'm still not sure what some terminology is yet, so if I say something wrong or off putting, please correct me. ? Your insight has been helpful! In my specific situation I would say I'm lucky, I met her while she is already transitioning. (At this point she has been on hormones for 2 years and has had top surgery. No plans on bottom surgery, but that could change farther down the road.) This is who she is now. Her transition wasn't "sprung" on me or anything. I guess for me, I am looking for ideas and insight as to help make sure she feels supported as a woman, even though her masculine qualities attracted me as well. I like the whole package! I've only sexually been with cis men. I'm just trying to navigate how to make sure her feminity is respected and appreciated, especially in intimate moments. Kinda like, I don't want to be seen for just my boobs or my butt, even though I know that that's what some find attractive. I don't want her to think that her penis is what I care about, even though at this point in dating I kinda really like it. ?

[Jackie C.]

Oh well, that one's easy. Treat her like any other women you might find yourself dating. One of the best things I've experienced since transitioning is just being one of the girls.

 

If her genitals give her dysphoria, don't bring them up. Personally, I'd straight-up ask. I was pretty ambivalent about mine, but I'm much happier with them gone. However, I know girls who really dislike them and girls who are just fine with them. We're all different.

 

Hugs!

[Heather0585]

Would you mind PMing me, Jackie? (I haven't unlocked that feature yet.) 

[Heather0585]

You could too, Susan! I welcome all the insight and support I can get. She is very supportive of the fact that I am straight and have no experience with this. She deserves, and is totally worth, any work it takes on my part to make sure she feels supported and accepted as well. 

[Jackie C.]

1 hour ago, Heather0585 said:

Would you mind PMing me, Jackie? (I haven't unlocked that feature yet.) 

 

You've got ONE more post before your PM feature is unlocked. Almost there...

 

Or, I'd love to, but it's not going to help until you post again. ?

 

Hugs!

[Heather0585]

Okie dokie! Being honest, I've never been a part of a forum before either so I'm super out of my element here. Kinda love it though, I'm already learning a lot! I know so far I've only interacted with 3 people on here but it's the most welcome and accepted I've felt in a long time! ❤️

[KathyLauren]

Hi, Heather.  I am in a similar position to Jackie: I am still married to my wife from before my transition.  I just want to thank you for being open and for reaching out to help you support your partner.

 

I don't have much advice for you about bedroom stuff, though.  We are both seniors - 'nuff said.

[Heather0585]

1 hour ago, KathyLauren said:

Hi, Heather.  I am in a similar position to Jackie: I am still married to my wife from before my transition.  I just want to thank you for being open and for reaching out to help you support your partner.

 

I don't have much advice for you about bedroom stuff, though.  We are both seniors - 'nuff said.

Hi KathyLauren! Thank you for reaching out! I'm enjoying getting to know you all. Honestly just chatting and getting your perspectives is helping greatly. Hearing about your struggles through your transitions make me want hug you all. ❤️ That's mainly why I'm here. My partner and I haven't been dating very long and I want to do everything I can to help her transition be as easy as possible, starting now. Talking to others who have transitioned gives me insight into what the process is like from the other side so I can love her best through this.

 

I think I've got most of the bedroom stuff mostly covered. ? Your comment made me chuckle so I had to respond to it. I love a good sense of humor. ?

[Trista1]

Just asking and knowing where your partner wants to go with her transition can go a long way in reliving a lot of stress in the relationship. Just be respectful of each others Ideas and feelings surrounding her transition. be as open and honest as you can. It will be difficult at times but there is a lot of good that can come out of a relationship like this one.