Transition Compromises

[Saoirse 2]

I've posted a few times before, so some of you may know some of my personal struggles. I am trying to pause my physical transition either temporarily or perhaps permanently.

 

By that I mean:

-stop or move to microdosing E, guided by my endocrinologist.

- stop plans for any surgeries.

- continue with hair removal

- continue to change my appearance and style (hair and clothes) toward the feminine spectrum, but no further than my wife can tolerate.

- vocal training is continuing as well.

 

I am hoping my therapist can help me focus on the positive affirming aspects of the above and find balance and peace. I hope I can assuage my dysphoria in this way.

 

Has anyone else chosen this path?

 

Did it work for you?

 

What is your best advice?

 

Love,

 

Nimue

[Guest]

I think most us older trans women have paused, purged, denied, and compromised at some point. I buried my true self 20 years ago to keep my children during a difficult divorce. I think you can cope for awhile, but “she” always come back home carrying a suitcase of regret.

[Mmindy]

2 hours ago, Nimue said:

Has anyone else chosen this path?

Like you, and many other transitioning people who are married. I'm proceeding in a very slow, but honest open transition with my wife minimally resisting my move down the androgyny scale, to femininity.

 

I hope you're able to work things out with you spouse, and care team.

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?

[Mmindy]

1 hour ago, Erica Gabriel said:

I think you can cope for awhile, but “she” always come back home carrying a suitcase of regret.

I agree, and also purged several times to stay married. This time however the suitcase is unpacked and we're honestly talking about which closet and dresser her things belong in.

 

Mindy??️‍⚧️?♏

[Guest]

@Mmindy I hope your marriage continues to grow and prosper. My wife is committed to keeping the marriage and supporting me.  It’s still really hard on her.

[helena]

14 hours ago, Nimue said:

Has anyone else chosen this path?

I've mostly been bargaining with myself, but I've denied myself before.

14 hours ago, Nimue said:

Did it work for you?

For a while, but she/I always returned.

14 hours ago, Nimue said:

What is your best advice?

Be honest to your wife and - above all -  to yourself.

 

There's no right or wrong choices here. Only choices, and hard ones I might add. Ask yourself if that, what you described above is enough for you. Can you live like that? Can you both be happy in such a marriage?

 

My thoughts on this matter is that no one asked to be transgender. Nobody ever told me how to lead a life with this. After denying, bargaining and despairing with myself, I've come to accept myself after almost 40 years and now I have some hard decisions to make (HRT, GRS and such). However, these decisions are mine alone. I make them and I carry the responsibility.

 

Unfortunately, we all need to figure it out ourselves.

 

Strength and courage to you dear!

Helena

[Delcina B]

@Nimue Hi! I posted to another sort of similar post, this one seems to shed more light on things. 

 Not this specific path, I haven't started steps 1-3 yet, my 1st endo appt isn't until Feb. In step 4 you mentioned, "... no further than my wife can tolerate." To this one, yes I have. She didn't tolerate any femme in my appearance, I tried, but as earlier posted was quickly going back to a dark place. Presently we both tolerate androgynous for the short term.

   There are people here far more experienced than I who recommended couple therapy sessions with the gender therapist. I wish I could say it worked, but my wife wouldn't go when I said it wouldn't make my transgenderness go away. Hopefully your wife will be more receptive. 

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Niamh]

In some respects my situation has similarities and others it does not.

 

Let's look at what may be a significant difference - I get very little dysphoria about my male body. The only area which upsets me is that of body hair. I hate it, but I hate it on everyone, male or female so I'm not sure this is really a gender specific dysphoria. So I'm comfortable spending time as my male self.

 

But I do NEED to spend time as my female self. I NEED to experience being a woman, and while I have ruled out physical surgery as I wish to be able to spend time in both male and female aspects I have not ruled out HRT. 

 

I guess I am lucky in that my wife tolerates/accepts me spending time as a woman although I doubt she will ever voluntarily support that aspect of me. But apart from time constraints (I am limited to around 3 days per week as Niamh) there are no constraints on how I behave, speak, what I wear and where I go when I am in my female aspect.  I will never go back to being hairy and permanent hair removal has been mentioned to my wife. While she fails to understand why I would go through the pain voluntarily she has not blocked electrolysis as an option.

 

So - yes I think I can live OK with this regime. There will be times I will go away for up to a week as Niamh and this is accepted. However my wife is adamant that we will not go anywhere together outside of the home  while I am being a woman except in an emergency (there have been a couple of those).

 

But if I had significant dysphoria - I really don't know if this would work for me.

[Sally Stone]

Nimue,

 

I have found happiness expressing my femininity only part of the time.  While it has made it easier for my wife to accept, it was a personal decision.  Expressing my feminine side this way works for me and I'm content.  Ultimately, your happiness and level of contentment may not be the same as mine, so you'll just have to explore your options to see if you can be happy without transitioning fully.  Each of us is different, which means we all don't need to follow the same transitional path. I'm confident you will find your own path.  I wish you success and happiness no matter what path you choose.

[Charlize]

I have "transitioned" but have certainly not had every possible surgery.  While i live on as a woman i also work on a farm doing what i have always done.  Often these things are not considered "feminine".  I think we all find our path.  Rather than think of compromise i prefer to think we do what is right for us at the time.  I know that that may well change in time.  

There is no "finish line".

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

[KayC]

On 11/17/2021 at 8:24 PM, Nimue said:

Has anyone else chosen this path?

 

Did it work for you?

 

What is your best advice?

Hi Nimue!

To answer your questions:

- Yes

- So far, but still a work in progress

- Not sure I should give advice but to say I am following pretty close to the track you are on, and for the same reasons, and you also received a great deal of experience from the others who answered you, and I think they all provide a great perspective.

I am doing what I can to continue to embrace my transfeminine identity within the limits of my relationship and "restrictions".  The good days tend to outweigh the bad but I am only about 2 years into this ... I know its going to be a long road both for myself and my wife but I try to keep an optimistic attitude and celebrate small "victories".

 

Therapy is a VERY important part of my well being and I am continuing that, though just recently my original therapist moved away and I am just starting with a new one.

 

I've been running "silent" here on TP for a while, but the Forum is a great place to at least stay connected, and I have a good connection with several of the Members I can always talk with on PM.  It helps.

Wishing you all the Best ...

Deep breaths ... one step at a time ❤️

Kay

[Bri2020]

I couldn't stop if I tried.  My dysphoria had gotten to the point that just the thought of not being able to live as a woman mad me almost suicidal. I hate every "male" aspect of my being so I'm fast tracking full medical transition. My world supports me but it has also cost me my marriage. We tried counseling. She absolutely wants me to transition but couldn't "transition" into a lesbian and the loss of a male partner left a large hole in her emotionally. We realized we both deserve someone whom we are attracted to and is attracted to us.  Still great friends but that was the price of being my authentic self. I'm lucky that she never wanted me to compromise, doing so probably would have killed me slowly. Everyone has their own journey and their own thresholds for what they are willing to do, or need to do in order to survive and live fully.  

My advice is simple, if these compromises are tolerable for you and you are mentally OK with them the great.  On the flip side, if they are just an attempt to appease your spouse but they are emotionally painful for you then you need to reevaluate why you are compromising.  I've seen a lot of people compromise their transitional goals out of fear they will lose someone but even then, they don't "fix" the relationship. It just stagnates and resentments occur on both sides. Couples therapy helps you both see where things truly stand and why you are deciding to slow down or why you are being asked to slow down.  

I HATE the fact that I've lost my wife, we had an amazing mariage. But we also realised, it wasn't going to survive without resentments. It was out of respect for each other we split. (also why we still love each other and are friends) My life will be harder and sadder without her, but I will also be able to flourish at some point as my authentic self, free to be me without the fear of hurting someone or myself.

[Saoirse 2]

3 minutes ago, Bri2020 said:

I couldn't stop if I tried.  My dysphoria had gotten to the point that just the thought of not being able to live as a woman mad me almost suicidal. I hate every "male" aspect of my being so I'm fast tracking full medical transition. My world supports me but it has also cost me my marriage. We tried counseling. She absolutely wants me to transition but couldn't "transition" into a lesbian and the loss of a male partner left a large hole in her emotionally. We realized we both deserve someone whom we are attracted to and is attracted to us.  Still great friends but that was the price of being my authentic self. I'm lucky that she never wanted me to compromise, doing so probably would have killed me slowly. Everyone has their own journey and their own thresholds for what they are willing to do, or need to do in order to survive and live fully.  

My advice is simple, if these compromises are tolerable for you and you are mentally OK with them the great.  On the flip side, if they are just an attempt to appease your spouse but they are emotionally painful for you then you need to reevaluate why you are compromising.  I've seen a lot of people compromise their transitional goals out of fear they will lose someone but even then, they don't "fix" the relationship. It just stagnates and resentments occur on both sides. Couples therapy helps you both see where things truly stand and why you are deciding to slow down or why you are being asked to slow down.  

I HATE the fact that I've lost my wife, we had an amazing mariage. But we also realised, it wasn't going to survive without resentments. It was out of respect for each other we split. (also why we still love each other and are friends) My life will be harder and sadder without her, but I will also be able to flourish at some point as my authentic self, free to be me without the fear of hurting someone or myself.

 Thank you for sharing. I couldn't stop after all; I just couldn't hold out very long for similar reasons to those that you shared. So I decided to just be open with my wife and tell her that I have to proceed.

 

All of this is bewildering to me, since I have been able to plan and control so much of my life up until my dysphoria surfaced. If this were a sporting match, the score is now Dysphoria 10 vs. Nimue 0.

 

I am mostly content to be losing this battle. However, I am not always so resolute and struggle with moments of panic an doubt, yet these moments do pass and I feel more sure each time.