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MTF 2 weeks post-op, I want to quit dilating


MsMayhaps

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It’s been 2 weeks since i had my operation.

 

I handled everything alright so far. Being in the hospital was rough, I had panic attacks, but I was able to get through them. When I got home, my first bowel movement wouldn’t come out. 3 laxatives, a suppository, and an enema later, it finally came out, but at the cost of a few of my stitches which I had to get redone. I was starting to feel a bit more confident.

 

That all changed when I had to start dilating. At my doctor’s appointment just 2 days ago he pushed it deep all the way in and the pain was unlike anything I could have ever imagined. I thought I was dying. I was in tears and burned through about 3 tissues. All I could think was “how the hell am I going to be able to do this to myself?”

 

The answer? I can’t.

Dilating is impossible. I use the smallest size, I use copious amounts of lube, I go slowly and I maneuver it to try to get the right spot, but no matter where I try to push I feel like I’m hitting a wall. My mom has been helping me. She’s the strongest person I know but even she is at her limit trying to help me with this. When she tries to push it in more for me and hears me screaming in pain, it’s too hard for her to keep going. The pain would be bad enough on its own without the emotional and mental anguish. 

 

I decided I wanted to give up. Just let the vagina close up. I don’t care about having sex in the future, I need to feel happy again. I will kill my sex life to stop sobbing my way through 20 tissues a night. If I can find a better way, then I’ll try it. Obviously it’s unfortunate to lose the option for penetrative vaginal sex, but as of right now? The suffering is NOT worth it.

 

 

 

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I felt like that as well at first, but mine had a side development that changed things around.  Turns out I had a yeast infection that made it feel like I was dilating with a steel file.  Luckily there was an easy treatment, and twenty four hours later all was fine.  I would find an actual Gynecologist to see if there are any of a few little problems that make Dilating HELL.  Since you are newly post op, there are still chances the condition can be cared for.  You can make it, it does get better.  Sometimes the angle you insert the dilator is wrong, but if you have been taught wrongly, some one can help you get it right. 

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3 hours ago, VickySGV said:

I felt like that as well at first, but mine had a side development that changed things around.  Turns out I had a yeast infection that made it feel like I was dilating with a steel file.  Luckily there was an easy treatment, and twenty four hours later all was fine.  I would find an actual Gynecologist to see if there are any of a few little problems that make Dilating HELL.  Since you are newly post op, there are still chances the condition can be cared for.  You can make it, it does get better.  Sometimes the angle you insert the dilator is wrong, but if you have been taught wrongly, some one can help you get it right. 

I’ve tried for so long to try to get the right angle but nothing works. How might I go about seeing a gynecologist? I’m worried I won’t be able to find one that’s both trans-friendly AND covered by my insurance.

Also what are the usual symptoms for a post-op yeast infection?

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What @VickySGV said. Take it slow. Experiment with angles a little bit and the hard one? Relax.

 

My doctor rammed that sucker in there too. I was so dazzled by the pain that I didn't get a lot of what she was telling me.

 

Now though? Easy as can be. I'd worked my way up to that orange monster before my revision. Now I'm back at the green one, but I'll get back to where I was. 

 

Hugs!

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1 hour ago, Jackie C. said:

What @VickySGV said. Take it slow. Experiment with angles a little bit and the hard one? Relax.

 

My doctor rammed that sucker in there too. I was so dazzled by the pain that I didn't get a lot of what she was telling me.

 

Now though? Easy as can be. I'd worked my way up to that orange monster before my revision. Now I'm back at the green one, but I'll get back to where I was. 

 

Hugs!

There’s no way I can relax, not with my anxiety and paranoia. I’ll keep trying and working with different angles, but now I’m starting to be worried that it’s already too late. The dilation the doctor did for me wad on Thursday and now it’s Saturday and I haven’t been able to make it anywhere close to the first dot. I feel like it’s probably already closed up too much for me to keep going. 

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1 hour ago, Jamie68 said:

OOOH! You're scaring me. I won't have anyone to help me.

dont worry, mine had some out-of-the-norm circumstances that im sure wont effect you. some of my stitches popped and i had to get then redone the same day i had my packing taken out, so that could also be a factor. as long as you don’t do anything stupid like me you should be better off.

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2 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

dont worry, mine had some out-of-the-norm circumstances that im sure wont effect you. some of my stitches popped and i had to get then redone the same day i had my packing taken out, so that could also be a factor. as long as you don’t do anything stupid like me you should be better off.

Ok. That helps.❤️

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3 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

There’s no way I can relax, not with my anxiety and paranoia. I’ll keep trying and working with different angles, but now I’m starting to be worried that it’s already too late. The dilation the doctor did for me wad on Thursday and now it’s Saturday and I haven’t been able to make it anywhere close to the first dot. I feel like it’s probably already closed up too much for me to keep going. 

 

OK, I feel that, but part of the exercise is learning to relax those vaginal muscles. I suffer from general anxiety disorder and CPTSD too. I get it. This is still something you're going to have to do.

 

Next point: It isn't "closing up." The sutures contract a bit when they heal. What you're doing is stretching them back out to maintain elasticity. It also helps keep scar tissue from forming. It's not too late, you're just going to have to work at it a little harder. That's OK. Things worth having are worth working for, right?

 

So here's what you're going to do: On Monday, you're going to call your surgeon's office and explain the problem. They're either going to want to see you or get you into a gynecologist. They're probably going to give you some creams. You're going to work with the surgical team, and you're going to make sure to let them know if there are problems. I know my surgeon has patient advocates JUST for problems like this. You're going to be fine sweetie. You're going to get over this little hump and your new vagina is going to be everything you wanted it to be.

 

Oh, also ask about the petite dilators. I use the regular set, but there's a petite set that you might find more comfortable to start.

 

Hugs!

 

 

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9 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

Also what are the usual symptoms for a post-op yeast infection?

 

The area is going to have a red rash in it, and it will smell yeasty, like bread dough.  Sad to say, they are an ongoing threat.  It is a yeast that is normally on our skin, but it is offset other normal bacteria. During the surgery they kill off the bacteria and the yeast takes off.  You are going to be moist in that area which the yeast loves, it is something we ask for.

 

 

9 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

How might I go about seeing a gynecologist? I’m worried I won’t be able to find one that’s both trans-friendly AND covered by my insurance.

 

Call you local LGBTQ center and see if they have a referral list of friendly Gynecologists in your area or if they have a health clinic where either and doctor or RNP can diagnose it.  Yeast infections are easily cured, as in a single pill.

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On 11/20/2021 at 10:17 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

OK, I feel that, but part of the exercise is learning to relax those vaginal muscles. I suffer from general anxiety disorder and CPTSD too. I get it. This is still something you're going to have to do.

 

Next point: It isn't "closing up." The sutures contract a bit when they heal. What you're doing is stretching them back out to maintain elasticity. It also helps keep scar tissue from forming. It's not too late, you're just going to have to work at it a little harder. That's OK. Things worth having are worth working for, right?

 

So here's what you're going to do: On Monday, you're going to call your surgeon's office and explain the problem. They're either going to want to see you or get you into a gynecologist. They're probably going to give you some creams. You're going to work with the surgical team, and you're going to make sure to let them know if there are problems. I know my surgeon has patient advocates JUST for problems like this. You're going to be fine sweetie. You're going to get over this little hump and your new vagina is going to be everything you wanted it to be.

 

Oh, also ask about the petite dilators. I use the regular set, but there's a petite set that you might find more comfortable to start.

 

Hugs!

 

 

I had another appointment today with the doc. I asked about the petite dilators and he said he hadn’t heard of anything like that. I might just get them on my own.


As for the future of my dilating, it is still so immeasurably painful, even when the doctor just stuck a single finger in there. I’m still gonna try, and maybe even with the petite size, but right now it’s not looking good.

 

I don’t want to lose my vaginal depth, but it might end of being my only option since I can’t dilate. I appreciate all the help and advice and I’ll provide another update if I can manage to dilate properly on my next attempt.

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8 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

I had another appointment today with the doc. I asked about the petite dilators and he said he hadn’t heard of anything like that. I might just get them on my own.


As for the future of my dilating, it is still so immeasurably painful, even when the doctor just stuck a single finger in there. I’m still gonna try, and maybe even with the petite size, but right now it’s not looking good.

 

I don’t want to lose my vaginal depth, but it might end of being my only option since I can’t dilate. I appreciate all the help and advice and I’ll provide another update if I can manage to dilate properly on my next attempt.

 

I don't think I like your surgeon. Is there a trans-friendly gynecologist in your area you can see?

 

Hugs!

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On 11/25/2021 at 4:51 AM, Jackie C. said:

 

I don't think I like your surgeon. Is there a trans-friendly gynecologist in your area you can see?

 

Hugs!

not sure, i’ll look into it!

 

i tried to dilate again today and honestly i’m not even doing this right. i cant even find the right hole, it looks like such a mangled mess i’m not even sure where im supposed to be inserting it. ill try again tomorrow, but im not sure if ill ever be able to get it.

 

i looked at pictures of vaginas to try to map it out but they dont even look like mine so im not sure how to translate that information. 

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9 hours ago, MsMayhaps said:

i tried to dilate again today and honestly i’m not even doing this right. i cant even find the right hole, it looks like such a mangled mess i’m not even sure where im supposed to be inserting it. ill try again tomorrow, but im not sure if ill ever be able to get it.

 

Takes a little getting used to. The vagina is lower than you think until you get the hang of finding it. I admit I poked my urethra more than a few times figuring out the right angle of approach. I bought myself a mirror to help with targeting. A makeup mirror with lights works absolutely the best (depending on lighting where you do your dilation, it's not great in my bedroom where I do mine).

 

Personally, I've found transition is a lot like other things in life. You reap benefits in direct proportion to the amount of effort you put in. Keep plugging away at it. You'll get it. Before you know it, it'll be second nature.

 

Hugs!

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