A journey within the journey

[Britany_Relia]

A lot has been happening with me this year.  I found out I had a cyst in my brain which was congenital. (arachnoid cyst)

This has complicated my transition journey because now it's just as much a journey on this other side of things medically.

Though I was not sure where to go with this problem so I decided to give this forum another shot.

I want to start out by talking about the issues of my transition currently as a result of all of this. Yet I can't help a segue into the other issue. I was well on my way to happiness and knowing myself when the journey found me in therapy and therapy brought me to doctors, which ultimately resulted in an MRI and a diagnosis of a life-long issue which has been interrupting me on so many levels of self that it's not even funny.  

Because my understanding of what people told me all my life was slowed down through a language barrier as this cyst presses on the language center of my brain, I was unable to understand most of life and society.  It has taken me so very long and going through mental loops that no one should have to perform just to get to baseline normal that it's borderline impossible that this was my life, but it was. 

So now I'm sitting here two weeks out from surgery and it isn't even transition related.  I feel estranged from my transition sometimes.

I almost forgot the part that brought me here. 

I've been feeling lately like, I've just started to feel / think some of the things that most of everyone thinks early on in their transition.  Like within the first months.  The way my brain works, I've always been in the advanced questions before ever finding out how to phrase the intro ones.  So in a lot of ways I'm two steps forward; doing a turn-about and taking two steps backwards but in the same direction if that makes sense.

My old self is gone, you know? I've changed so rapidly.  With a rapid schedule dose increase in the early months to get to target female range within 6 months, I was already rushing through feelings.  I even started progesterone probably way too soon (I don't really take it at this point, it's just sitting in my drawer). Anyways, it is just starting to truly hit me that my old self is gone.  That I'm not that 'me' anymore.  Everything about me is different now and it's just about a year and a half HRT soon enough.  My personality was never solid before.  At first HRT had stabilized my personality but then things got so much more complicated.

It's been so much to process especially as I was already to my limit.

Even though it's been this complex, my journey inside of a journey has started to show me who my true self really always has been.  For me, that self was not only locked behind dysphoria but also by a neurological issue.  Yes sometimes this type of cyst does nothing.  It affected me my whole life and made everything that much harder to process, including my transition. 

I don't know why I'm making this post except that I just really have to tell my story. 

I may not be the self that I was back then, but I am the self that I am now.  And that version of me knows the way through so many things.  I guess I just have to look forward to the part where I'm able to apply it all, with a clear head... after this surgery. 

[Jani]

Dear @Britany_Relia, I'm happy to read that you have successful had surgery.  

16 hours ago, Britany_Relia said:

My old self is gone, you know? I've changed so rapidly.

I don't subscribe to that notion.  When we start HRT our mind and body begins to change.  I believe (at least for me) that mentally we see parts of our psyche and emotions that were hidden.  With the HRT parts of us that provided a shield are cast off.   We may see this as a disconcerting time.  I know I did, but soon things even out and you (hopefully) will find peace that your "good", or happy parts are not gone but are brought to the front.  Now we still have to deal with all the things that transition brings but there is a clarity  of thought now.  I understand you've had surgery and you need to heal from this and readjust to those changes.  But don't feel that the person you knew is gone.  She's still there.  Please try to integrate her into  your life.  

 

Hugs,

Jani 

[Britany_Relia]

On 12/1/2021 at 11:14 AM, Jani said:

Dear @Britany_Relia, I'm happy to read that you have successful had surgery.  

 But don't feel that the person you knew is gone.  She's still there.  Please try to integrate her into  your life.  

Hugs,

Jani 

 

I've already changed myself feelings on that.  I've always been a girl. That 'me' still exists..I've got some more work to do to totally integrate her but I've started it...

And, the surgery is soon but not done yet.  I was just trying to write here to get my feelings to make some kind of sense about everything.  Finding out I needed this surgery while being in the midst of second puberty just really wrenched it for me. 

But I let some things go today so hopefully I can get closer again to feeling the joys of my journey, and not just the struggles.

Thanks for replying Jani