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Beautiful acceptance!


Stephanie Jane

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Hey yall!

My name is Stephanie/Stephen and I am Gender Fluid, and no longer confused. I spent a long time questioning myself, my day to day changes in mood, personality, and demeanor, and thinking I was either crazy or a freak. My sense of self, my gender, and my sexuality seems so inconsistent. After quitting alcohol and working through alot of baggage, I found this feeling always remains. It's not a naughty thought or obsession. It's not a taboo fantasy that arouses me...it fjust feels completely natural to dress in womens clothes and to express my thoughts and emotions as a 'female' typically would. Once I allowed myself to adopt womens clothes and habits as I saw fit, it felt like second nature. I had always been this. It isn't shameful or wrong or impulsive. It is not driven by past sexual fantasies and perversions. It feels like I am finally a unified being, not at odds with myself, but allowing myself to feel and open my heart to love, kindness, and grace, to embrace the strengths of the woman in me. Stephanie is so proud and happy to be free. But other days I feel 100% like Stephen, plodding through tasks with logic and stubbornness, exerting my will and pushing through obstacles. I feel all masculine, and the womens clothes and accessories I adorned the day before seem silly and impractical, and at odds with who I am

 This extreme fluctuation used to cause me alot of confusion and unrest. What was I? And why did it seem to change back and forth? I wasn't happy as a gender conforming male but doubted I would be fully happy as a transgender woman. Then I saw a definition for gender fluid and it made perfect sense. Why hadn't that occurred to me? That both versions of myself are true and valid, and it doesn't matter which I express, so long as I'm being genuine with myself. I no longer purch womens clothes and then throw them away in a moment of shame and doubt, I've acquired a decent female wardrobe and found ways to incorporate them into my work clothes. I've altered my behavior and mannerisms to be more natural and reflective of who I am. If I don't feel comfortable dressing femme at work I have ways to outlet my female side that help me from going from one extreme to the other. I can wear panties under my work pants, and slim jeans. I've started to grow my hair long again, which makes me feel so beautiful and I put on girly brand deodorant so I smell pretty. I also sit down when I pee, whenever possible, which keeps the seat cleaner. Little things like communication skills, cooperation, forgiveness, etc are taking hold in me slowly. I am much more patient with my 3 young children, who I raise alone, and I've embraced my role as mother as well as father, and stopped telling myself what I'm 'supposed' to be. I often recieve comments from other parents that I'm such a good dad, and that I'm more motherly than many women. I see the strengths of both sides now and I am so so proud of myself. I recieved alot of good advice on this forum and finally felt like sharing. Thanks to all the sisters and brothers who shared their stories, they definitely help me figure it out slowly...love and blessings to all! 

-Steph

 

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Hey there Steph,

 

I identify as bi-gender, so my feelings, while not exactly like yours, are still quite similar.  It's so great you've found peace and clarity; it's amazing when that happens isn't it?  

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early on in my transition I struggled a lot with the activities that i enjoy and how male they are. Now I know that my hobbies do not define who I am it is how I feel inside that defines who I am. what I am saying is to just go whit how you feel and if it changes from day to day that it doesn't make you less of a woman or man. gender is a spectrum and you should not feel any guilt just being who you are. The only thing that really matters is that you are happy just being you. 

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Steph.  I remember purging with shame.  When i finally accepted myself, a process that took years, i simply removed all of my male clothing.  I also changed my name, began HRT and had some surgery.  What i will never purge is the experiences of living years as male.  I've grown to accept he is part of me.  That being said i'm happier now being a butch female than i ever was as a rough man.  

Acceptance is indeed beautiful.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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  • Forum Moderator

Welcome @Stephanie Jane. Nice to meet you. Glad you’re here.

 

20 hours ago, Stephanie Jane said:

I often recieve comments from other parents that I'm such a good dad, and that I'm more motherly than many women. I see the strengths of both sides now and I am so so proud of myself. I recieved alot of good advice on this forum and finally felt like sharing.

You seem to have your priorities in order. That is high praise from anyone and it sounds like you’ve found a comforting place with your newly accepted gender identity. It took me a very long time to get to that point of acceptance. It sure has made my life easier though. You should be proud of yourself not only for being a good parent but doing so while overcoming all that comes with the life of a trans person in our society. The road is a bumpy one but IMHO you have come into a wonderful community here to help you avoid some of those bumps along the way. Thank you for deciding to share with us today!

 

Warmest Regards,

Susan R🌷

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