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Period Rant and is this Dysphoria?


Sol

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Hi, I'm on my period and I would like to vent. If you stop to read this, thank you for listening to my ramblings and I hope I make sense.

Okay, so I've got this feeling that I might be trans (I'm not a hundred percent sure and I don't want to just use the label willy-nilly), and I think I've been feeling dysphoria maybe. I don't really know, cause I've never thought about it in any great detail.

Now, the chest, I can deal with. Do I want it gone with the passion of a thousand suns some days? Yep! But can I live with it? Sure, it's not really hurting me unless I move a certain way and they pull (they're bigger so I can see why this would happen occasionally). But the period? No, I just want that thing gone and I don't want it to come back. I can deal with the organic milk bags, I can't deal with the monthly (it's not really monthly anymore for me, more like every two months, and no, I'm not on birth control or anything) subscription to Satan's waterfall because this just sucks so bad. 

I'm fine with my bottom bits, I really am, but on my period it's so much worse. I get really anxious for no reason, I feel so disgusting and gross and I don't want anyone to touch me, and sometimes I get this weird too-big-for-my-body feeling that's just so uncomfortable and I don't feel totally all there. And the thing is, my periods aren't even that bad! Cramps only happen on the first day and they're uncomfortable but they're manageable, and it only lasts five days instead of seven! I got the lucky end of the stick, and I hate it so much! 

I've wanted this gone since I found out birth control was a thing, and I extra wanted it gone once I found out about sterilization. I don't want any biological kids (especially if I'm the one getting pregnant, no thank you!) and there's just no point. And I keep getting told that menopause is so much worse, but I'll take hot flashes and some dryness and my hormones are wacky anyway. But some of the stuff that it causes sounds terrible, and I really just want this period gone. 

Do hormones from HRT reduce or stop periods? I need to look into it more and see if that's something I really want, but again, I hate this thing so much. And I can't talk to my mom or grandma about it because they say "well, every woman hates their period," and "menopause is much worse," and I'm frustrated because I don't want to be a woman! I don't want to be a girl or a woman or a lady or whatever and I want my chest flat and I want my period to completely disappear and this all sucks so bad because I still haven't fully figured out my gender yet. I know I'm not bigender and I don't know about nonbinary and being a man or a dude sounds pretty nice, even if I still like to wear pretty dresses sometimes. 

I just feel really disgusting and hormonal and I hate it and I want it to end, preferably in the next two seconds.

Anyway, that's my rant, and I'm sorry if it was repetitive or long, I just really needed to get this out.

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Some of my friends have gotten a hysterectomy because of the feelings you describe.  I would certainly speak to a gender therapist and your doctor.  That may certainly be one part of womanhood that i'm just as glad to have missed although i will never know.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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20 hours ago, Sol said:

I get really anxious for no reason, I feel so disgusting and gross and I don't want anyone to touch me, and sometimes I get this weird too-big-for-my-body feeling that's just so uncomfortable and I don't feel totally all there.

 

Do hormones from HRT reduce or stop periods?

 

"well, every woman hates their period" "menopause is much worse" 

 

I don't want to be a woman! I don't want to be a girl or a woman or a lady or whatever and I want my chest flat and I want my period to completely disappear and this all sucks so bad because I still haven't fully figured out my gender yet.

 

Hi @Sol . Have you heard of Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder (PMDD)? It's different, and much worse than PMS. Doing a cursory search, there is info on the web about how PMDD may affect trans people who have ovaries, etc. It may help you to learn about PMDD and reflect on differences and intersections between the dysphoria experienced by sufferers of PMDD and gender dysphoria. Here's the first site that came up when I searched "pmdd ftm" https://iapmd.org/transgender-pmdd

Note that there's a succinct definition there:

"Transgender is an umbrella term for people whose gender identity and/or expression is different from cultural expectations based on the sex they were assigned at birth."

I'm emphasizing this because I know you're struggling to discover your identity. Don't worry so much about claiming any identity in error - you can't learn what feels comfortable and natural to you unless you try things on, so to speak. Then, if something doesn't feel right, discard it and move on. From what you write, "woman" doesn't feel right, so try to let go of guilt associated with being in that realm "questioning". Your experience is just as real and valid as anyone else's. Go easy on yourself - you don't need to have a concrete answer to the question of gender in order to be a real person. You are always good as you are, at every stage. Think about it, is anything in this world constant? 

 

I'll share a bit about my experience. I believe I suffer from PMDD. All the symptoms you describe resonate. It's beyond gross, and as skillful as I've endeavored to be in my lifetime, my emotional reactions sometimes become their own beasts. I'm gratified to say I never lash out at people, but I do become horribly anxious and depressed. Sometimes, the best I can do is just force my jaw open and sob deeply to my heart's content, to let it out. I've learned to communicate rationally and clearly while I feel this way - sometimes I cry in front of others - I'll just tell them "I am experiencing sadness and my body needs to cry now" or, I'll ask for something like a drink of water if I need it. But believe me, it took A LOT of effort and grace to get to the point where I would not just automatically spin out of control. 

 

About menopause. I am 46 years old, and have been in perimenopause for about 10 years. I am approaching menopause - a few times I've gone a few months with no cycle and it was like a vacation. Menopause is different for everyone. It is not true that menopause is worse than fertility. For some it is, and for others, it's a piece of cake. I know many women who experienced no adverse symptoms and are joyous having entered menopause. 

 

About HRT & birth control. Note that birth control for people with ovaries, etc. is a form of HRT which consists of progesterone and sometimes a splash of estrogen. Gyn drs often prescribe hormone based birth control for PMS and PMDD. It works for some people, but not everyone. Some people, myself included, cannot tolerate it. I tried birth control a few times when I was younger, but even at the smallest dose I felt wretched. For me, it exacerbated the symptoms. At the time, I didn't realize I was trans (although I sure was acutely aware of feeling like a monster imposter of a woman). I've read a bit about testosterone microdosing HRT for nonbinary folks, which included reading about T for FtM for comparison, and from what I gathered results concerning the menstrual cycle vary. 

 

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To answer your question, @AgnesBardsie, birth control isn't necessarily off the table, it's just going to be difficult working a gyno appointment into my schedule. I have specific days (day, really) where I'm able to go out and do things, and it's usually packed full with therapy, orthodontist, or doctor's appointments (I have a lot of GI problems right now), so it'd be hard to work around it. I'll definitely ask at my next doctor's appointment, but it'll be a while because the GP I see is fully packed with patients and the earliest open appointment was three months away.

And you are definitely not missing much, @Charlize! Periods can be easy to deal with or bad enough to put you in the hospital, and honestly, it sucks that humans menstruate this much. If memory serves me correctly, humans are the only species that menstruate this often, as other mammals tend to have more control over their reproductive organs. But things like cramping or your hips feeling weird or hurting or breasts feeling tender or itchy (yes, it's a thing) are pretty common and all of them can be mild to horrible. It really just depends on the period lottery.

And thank you so much, @Vidanjali. Most of my period stuff is emotional/mental, so my anxiety tends to get worse and most of the time I get really tired or snappy or just sad. And thank you for finally saying it, "It is not true that menopause is worse than fertility," because if menopause was objectively worse, then why would some people like it? And that answer is always super frustrating, because it usually comes as a 2-for-1 special with "What if you want kids when you're older?" To this, I bring up two points: 1. I haven't wanted my period and have hated it since I first got it, and have wanted birth control/sterilization since I learned those were options, and 2. Any child I have in the future will be adopted. I am not birthing anything because I've read up on pregnancy and it just seems way too damaging and way too taxing for me to be comfortable with. 

And my mom hasn't done much research because she assumes that sterilization involves removing your uterus, but there actually is a procedure that just removes the ovaries, so ha, I win. 

And PMDD is hitting a lot of bells with me here, because I always get super snappy and super anxious and I usually would just write it off as normal period stuff but I just... wasn't ever happy with it. It automatically felt like I couldn't do what I wanted to do and everything was so uncomfortable and I just wanted to live in the shower for a week, because at least I'm clean in there. And I went through a solid three months without a period once, and I swear it was like heaven blessed me or something. I'm not really religious, but that could have been the time... and then it showed up at the end of month 3 and all of that went crashing down the drain.

But birth control seems like the first logical step, and I want to do more research on T and see if that's something I want. 

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Glad I could be of service, @Sol . I agree that birth control seems like the first logical step. See what conventional medicine can offer you. Indeed, don't increase the stress in your life - get the help you need for the GI issues, and see a gyn when it's convenient. Meanwhile, just know you're never alone, and times of trouble will pass. You are safe here. 

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