my experience with my gender

[Kenma_kozume]

 

This is gonna be so long, it's more like a vent, but if someone wants to read it and give a little bit of advice it would be great

 

I've rarely (or almost never) experienced any childhood sings of being trans. Actually, it was the opposite. I did all kind of femenine things and didn't had a problem with that. I was fine with that until puberty started. I remember when my chest started to grow, I just layed in bed wanting to cry, but at that time it didn't even crossed my mind being transgender; I just had one thought in mind "I don't wanna be a woman". With all the puberty changes, I started to feel very uncomfortable. I didn't told anyone how I felt (I'm a naturally reserved person, nothing special tbh) because I thought I was gonna overcome that. And I was excited of the idea of growing up, but when i tried it, i felt like it wasn't right. I tried using makeup, wearing dresses and being happy with my gender, but it didn't felt nice. Of course, there were times where I felt comfortable doing those things, but that feeling was quickly overcomed a few hours later. 

The only times where I felt nice being a girl, were those where I was getting attention for having traits aesthetically pleasing according to the female beauty standard. This may sound superficial, but I'm trying to be honest, I liked it when the boys in my class looked at me and said I was pretty. Apart from that, I don't think I enjoyed being a girl. But I didn't thought of changing my gender, the household I grew up is transphobic and kinda sexist, so the thought of "I wanna be a boy" was completely restricted from my mind. 

 

Also, I feel more happy hanging with boys rather than girls. Even tho I'm kinda shy around guys, It felt nice hanging with them. I used to hang out with my brother and my cousin, and It felt great. I didn't felt those feelings of like being an "outsider" in comparison of how i felt hanging with girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my female friends, they are very nice and friendly, but I just feel different

 

My dysphoria isn't too strong, but I still feel different from cisgender people, and it's ironic because I also don't find myself relating to a lot of transgender experiences. 

I didn't started to question my gender before I came across with transgender people on the internet. I knew transgender people existed, but I didn't paid attention. I began to investigate about dysphoria and transgender experiences, some of them were very distant from my personal experience, but others were relatable. It was so confusing. I was rethinking my whole life, and began to be more aware of myself, it may sound strange, but i don't have a good idea of how i am. I missed a lot of things in my behavior, that only noticed after a heavy examination of myself. So, that explains why at the beggining of learning about trans people it wasn't a kind of "click", but only after i gathered all the pieces and had a big picture perspective of my gender. 

 

Right now, after almost 5 years after puberty started for me, I still feel a little bit uncomfortable with my gender. But I don't hate being a woman, I can look at my body and think "this is fine", I don't feel trapped. And yet, I wish I was a man. I wanna be a man and feel comfortable with myself. I would explain this like, I don't hate my gender, but I would probably be happier with another one. It's confusing because I don't know who i am. Maybe this feelings will fade away when i get older, or will they remain until i do something about it? They have got more mild recently, so maybe it's just a phase (yes, a 5 year phase lmao, but there's still a possibility) i feel like im gaslighting myself, but I'm scared to think i may be something, but in reality i'm another whole thing. Does anyone have a similar experience? 

 

 

 

[DeeDee]

6 hours ago, Kenma_kozume said:

. I used to hang out with my brother and my cousin, and It felt great. I didn't felt those feelings of like being an "outsider" in comparison of how i felt hanging with girls. Don't get me wrong, I love my female friends, they are very nice and friendly, but I just feel different

Hi @Kenma_kozume I started to question from the opposite perspective, but if you swap out the genders this statement pretty much sums up most of my life. I just spent the whole time feeling not quite right and not quite man enough, and was gaslit by my ex but I assumed I was just an insecure person. Eventually she left me just as I turned 40 and *BOOM* I was hit in the face with the realisation that I had spent my whole life trying to be what I thought other people wanted me to be. I was drawn to trans videos, experimented in private with changing my gender expression and interacting online as a woman (I already did in computer games), and realised the more that I did, the more comfortable I found myself being. You may be able to keep your brain preoccupied with noise, but eventually it bubbles up to the surface.

[Sally Stone]

Kenma,

 

It's okay to question your gender, all of us here have done it.  Be patient however, and take the time to explore who you are and who you want to be.  I'd recommend not getting too caught up in what others have done to deal with their own gender questions and focus on what you need to do to be happy.  It can be very helpful to explore your gender identity with the help of a therapist specializing in gender identity.  The other thing you can do is hang with us here as you express your feelings. 

[Vidanjali]

Hi @Kenma_kozume . I believe there are infinitely many varieties and experiences of transgender. When you encounter someone's story, there will be parts you relate to and other parts you don't. Keep questioning and exploring, but as Sally says, don't get too caught up in comparing yourself to others. Let what makes you feel good guide you. Personally, my advice is to practice not assigning gender to the things you like or don't like. For instance, if you like a "men's" article of clothing, just like it and celebrate the good feeling of attraction to it and comfortableness with it. Make it your expression. Don't focus so much on the male vs female aspects. Learn to be YOU. If "you" turns out to be a man, then he will emerge of his own accord as you explore and celebrate step by step. Much love. 

[Kenma_kozume]

Thanks to everyone who answered! It feels so nice to have people who understand how i feel, thanks again ❤️