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I am extremely gender confused :(


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Anyone have advice?  I've gone to gender therapy for years now and nothing seems to be enough. If I could afford it, I'd see a better gender therapist but all the really good ones are so expensive. :/.

I don't know why I get such sexual and emotional pleasure from crossdressing but I desperately wish it would stop.

I was hoping that maybe if I explore my fantasies that they would go away. But the only woman I was into who was interested in sleeping with me while crossdressed had an STI, and I was reluctant to pursue her. She now has wanted nothing to do with me, making me even more depressed. I wish I can undo this but I can't. What can I do????

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Finding a good therapist is difficult. You might pick of the workbook You and Your Gender Identity by Dara - Huffman-Fox - about $15 on Amazon. It lets you explore YOU and guide you to make sense of what is going on in you. That's a good step.


Also check out the threads and keep asking questions. You have many friends and many who have similar experiences who can give you ideas.


In my case, I'm a transwoman and used the workbook to help guide me to what I knew inside but was afraid to pursue.





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Hi, Snidi.  Welcome!


I figured out that when I kept asking myself the same question over and over, it meant that the answer I was coming up with was wrong.  For example, when trying to figure out why I was so different (including crossdressing), I asked myself if I was gay.  The answer was no.  And I never had to ask myself the same question again: right answer.  On the other hand, I asked myself if I was transgender.  Again, the answer was no.  But I kept asking that question over and over again.   The answer always came up no, but I was never satisfied with that answer.  I finally figured out that no was the wrong answer.  So here I am, a couple of decades older and wiser, and I am finally happy with who I am.


I am not suggesting that my answer should be your answer.  That is for you to figure out with the help of your therapist.  But do question your answers if you find yourself stuck.


If your current therapist isn't helping, it could certainly help to find a better one.  And we will help as much as we can.




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53 minutes ago, Heather Shay said:

the workbook You and Your Gender Identity by Dara - Huffman-Fox

This might be a good way to explore the questions you're dealing with.


4 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

But I kept asking that question over and over again.   

This is a clue that it might be true.  

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8 hours ago, Heather Shay said:

Finding a good therapist is difficult. You might pick of the workbook You and Your Gender Identity by Dara - Huffman-Fox - about $15 on Amazon. It lets you explore YOU and guide you to make sense of what is going on in you.

Welcome Snidi! Heather recommended the book to me & I've found it very helpful.


The biggest hurdle for me was accepting the me I tried denying for years & when I did I was able to stop hating myself. Wherever you end up on the gender spectrum, I hope you find love & acceptance looking back at you in the mirror. 




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Hello, @Snidi! Everyone above is right on the money with therapy being difficult, especially in finding a therapist which is usually the hardest step. I'm going to one with some specializations in gender/sexuality, but that's not really her main field because I have other issues that I needed to deal with too. I wouldn't mind going to a gender therapist at a later date, but I want to tackle some other issues first. 

But as someone who enjoys the balance of crossdressing in suits specifically, I can understand a little bit where you're coming from. I get some emotional pleasure and euphoria when wearing suits, and I like how powerful and good I feel. But you mentioned fantasies, and I've had some of my own when it comes to the crossdressing. I don't do it much now since I haven't really had any suits to wear, but the thing with fantasies is that it's really a toss up on whether they go away or not. Some of mine went away, like being super feminine sometimes like Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada, but others have stuck with me, which is being more masculine and presenting that way in my daily life and in more intimate settings. 

But asking yourself some questions could be helpful, like @KathyLauren suggested. My suggestion is to ask yourself "How does crossdressing make me feel about myself and my body?" Looking at yourself and your own perception can be helpful in figuring stuff out, and that's what worked for me, but you have to try it to find if that works for you because you're different and unique. The next question you can ask is "Why does this bother me and why do I want to stop?" You definitely don't have to answer this here, because that's a super personal question that you can only really ask yourself. Examine your feelings before and after crossdressing and see how they compare, or just think about the difference in how you might look vs how you perceive yourself. There might be some inconsistencies. 

The best thing you can do right now is think about what you want, and getting a good support system. If this woman wants nothing to do with you, that's really her loss. Everyone has good and bad qualities and sometimes people just don't click. And it's valid to not want to pursue someone for any reason, from something as simple as "I don't really like them," to "They have an STI and I'm hesitant because of that." Those are pretty valid worries in my book, and you shouldn't try to bite off more than you can reasonably handle. But at the same time, you have to be willing to ask yourself some tough questions, especially ones like "How do I feel?" 

Stop crossdressing if you want, or keep doing it if that's what you decide. Find a good support system and remember that it'll be okay, whatever you decide. Your feelings matter and your autonomy matters, and no one should tell you otherwise. 

You'll figure it out. I believe in you.

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