Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

hello -struggling


Recommended Posts

Hi all,  My name is Tricia.   I am currently a 59 year old male, with strong feminine feelings.  I have been married for 35 years, have 2 grown children.  I love my wife and care for her very much.  We have a fairly good marriage, some on and off challenges.   I love my children very much, have a close relationship with them.  I should note I live in Hawaii with my wife, my children live in the Northeast.  We moved to Hawaii 4 years ago.  We sold almost everything we owned to move here, enjoy life here, a new start (we got married when we were both in our early 20's, had children right away).  For a long time, I have had feminine feelings, liked dressing and feeling as a woman.  Over the last year I have had a difficult time containing them.   I very much feel like I might be transgender mtf.   I feel like there is this other being in me screaming to get out, I can no longer control.   I have started seeing a gender therapist, which is helping being able to fully open up about this.   I had told no one about this, I knew it would freak my wife out.    I have finally told my wife I have these feminine feelings, might be transgender.   She has been a good listener, but despondent.   She has said if I am transgender, she cannot stay married to me, will support me, always be my best friend.  I of course ideally would like not to lose my wife, but I can understand how she feels.   I have been reading about gender identity, it has been helpful.  I have always felt if I lost my wife (divorce for whatever reason), I would become a woman, I would not be able to control myself.   I feared this.  I do not know if that was ever fair to my wife that I had these internal feelings, perhaps held on to her longer because of this.    What is really difficult is I want to "be me," at 59 I feel like I am on my final 1/3 of life.  On the other hand, we are on the cusp of retiring, were planning to in 2022.  We looked forward to travel together.   My daughter is getting married this coming August 2022.   I do not want to cast a shadow over her wedding.   I hate the thought of blowing up our lives.    I don't mind continuing to work, support my wife, enable her to still retire,.    If I conclude I am transgender, I will lose my wife.   I think my children will be shocked, but still love and support me with time.  I feel the same for my close friends.   I am not sure, but I would most likely choose to transition, do hormone treatment.  I do not know about surgeries.  One step at a time.     I do have a friend locally who I have spoken to about this, and a woman colleague at work whom I also feel comfortable speaking.  I am very lucky there.   It feels from these conversations, with the aforementioned 2 people, my therapist, my wife that they all think I have already decided I am transgender and will transition.    I am feeling maybe they are seeing, hearing something I just have not been able to articulate.    If I was not married, did not have children, this would not be as huge a decision.   It weighs so heavy on me.   I feel very depressed, in a lose, lose situation.   It is weighting so heavy on me how much this is hurting my wife.   I need to make a decision in the near future.   It is not fair to make her wait and wait.  


About my last year:   It has been a tough year, I lost my dog of 15 years, my step father, my mother, 2 close friends (none to covid).   I got both ears pierced about a year ago.  I love wearing ear rings, especially dangle ear rings (My wife hates me wearing dangle ear rings, so I do not wear them around her).   I love getting my nails and toe nails done (Mani and Pedis), I have done short extensions a few times.  I love doing this, it feels so me, same with the ear rings.   I would have my nails done with extensions and color all the time if I did not anger my wife.   My wife gets angry when I get my nails done with color or extensions.  She takes it as a personal affront.   Lately, we have had open conversations where I explained I do not do these things to upset her, it is because they very much make me feel "me."    She understands that better, but still does not support it.   I recently shaved my chest, stomach, thighs, feet.  I am crawling in my skin about my body hair, I so want to shave my legs and arms, but I know that will freak my wife out.   My wife asked me to sleep in our guest bedroom about a month ago.  Since then she has had me stay in and out of our bedroom.   Other times she asked me to leave our home, I stay at a friends cottage that is currently available.   While there, I do dress female almost all the time.   I do want to be with my wife, but I know she cannot tolerate my feminine side.   She has made it clear she does not want to see me dressed in women's clothing.   I understand her perspective, feelings.  At same time I so want to be "me."


I so want to connect with someone who has gone through a similar experience with their wife and also their transgender discovery experience.     Sorry to writer such a disorganized introduction!  That is my mind right now, pudding!    Just trying to give a little background.     Thank you for listening.










Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Hi Tricia, welcome to the forum.


Thank you for your introduction. It will sound very familiar to many here. You are not alone. Please don't hesitate to join in. You will soon find your feet.



Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Oh yeah. @Tricia, you're going to find just so, so many members who have been through what you are. That's a pretty common story 'round these parts. Sometimes, the spouse comes around. Sometimes they don't.


I can tell you from personal experience though, the only way you'd be able to talk to me now had I not come out when I did was with a Ouija board. Suppressing such a big part of yourself takes a toll. You have to do what's right for you. The people who love you will still love you. The rest don't matter.



Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome. I have a similar background and understand and best you the best. I am 69 and came out to my wife year and a half ago. We've been married 29 years and it has been extremely painful but with glimmers of hope to save married.

Glad you found gender I.d. therapist. That is going to be big help as is finding many friends here who are in your age range who will answer your questions honestly and truthfully and be a big support.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

Welcome Trica.

 I'm glad you joined us here.  Therapy really helped me.  My therapist helped with the family issues that became a major part of my life as i moved towards change.  My relationship with my wife has changed and while that upset me at first we have actually grown even closer now that i am honest.  Time has certainly helped as well.  Early in the process i was raw and terribly hurt as was she.  Today those feelings have mostly faded away, only to return on rare occasions.  I think we both simply want to move on and enjoy our lives as we can, supporting each other.

This is not a journey without pain.  Hopefully yours will pass as mine has, to bring a better life.






Link to comment

Welcome @Tricia! Other than a few nuances like geography you're telling my story. You mentioned, if you conclude you're transgender. I think if I am transgender it's who I am, the question was what will I do with it once I accepted it. After I told my wife, & she had some time to process it, in one conversation she finished by saying what I was doing was selfish. I thought about it & that she might've been right, so I put Delcina in a box. During the next four days I was right back to my very angry old self & resentful toward her for it. This is a bad place for me, it leads to self destructive behavior. I don't want to live like that anymore. I love my wife, but I can't change who I am & I understand if she doesn't accept me & may even hate me for it, I did for over 45 years. I am not in a box today & can accept & love me just as I am. This forum of loving, accepting people has played big part in it. I hope you find the same.




Link to comment

Welcome to TransPulseForums @Tricia, as mentioned earlier, except for a few points in your timeline, and geography. Our stories are very similar, so you’re among like people here. 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe



Link to comment

Thank you all for such a warm welcome.  Hearing that your stories are similar helps so much in knowing I am not alone.   As you all know, this is so hard.  In the end, I want to be me while causing the least hurt as possible for others.    A hard part for me is remembering how much I am hurting not being the authentic me.   Wishing you all a wonderful day.   

Link to comment

Welcome @Tricia.  @Jackie C.summed it up very nicely.  You will get some very good advice and support here at TP.  If I may offer you some advice, I would say the most important thing you can do is have open and honest communication with your partner.  Sometimes these conversations will be hard, and many tears will be shed, but they are very crucial if there is to be any hope in salvaging a relationship. Listen to what your partner has to say, and don’t jump to conclusions- keep to the facts.  There will be times when you will come to a fork in the journey- sometimes you may need to take the turn that seems twice as long as the other.  
Happy trails, wishing you all the best


Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   4 Members, 0 Anonymous, 43 Guests (See full list)

    • VickySGV
    • Hannah Renee
    • Petra Jane
    • Astrid
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
    • Total Posts
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
    • Most Online

    Newest Member
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Brianna R
      Brianna R
      (60 years old)
    2. EclipseStar
      (24 years old)
    3. LucyGracious
      (35 years old)
    4. nora-the-nerd
      (27 years old)
    5. subliliminal
      (26 years old)
  • Posts

    • Hannah Renee
      I had no desire for children, and fortunately wasn't able to father any in my first 3 marriages. Things changed when I remarried 25 years ago. Like @Heather Nicolesaid, hit me out of nowhere. Tried for a while to no avail. Then 20 years ago, a teenage mom in North Carolina placed her 2-week-old baby boy in my arms, and it was love at first touch. (He's a frequent PITA these days, but they/we are all at that age.) Same response for the next 3. Don't know if I would have been a good mom, and frequently enough I haven't been a good dad. But those kids are every bit a part of me as if they were biological.
    • KymmieL
      Well got a message from our realtor. the current owner has signed a contract on another house. Yea, now just have to wait till the closing date. Come on July 29th.   I am wondering if I will have my own bathroom in our new house. the master bath has a shower. and the other bathroom has the tub and shower. Being my wife and youngest most of the time take a bath. I wonder if I will have the master bath to myself. Just after I got the good news I texted my wife. It was before noon. I had to ask her while out at dinner if she got it. over 6 hours later. I don't know what is going on with her. Does she want to move or not? She has complained about this place for over 5 yrs especially when recertification time comes. I just wonder what she has on her mind, about the house.  She doesn't seem to thrilled at the idea of getting one. Is she expecting me to pay all the housing bills. like I do now. while she seems to always have money to burn. While I don't know bit I think she has about 4-5k in her savings. I know she has her retirement from her other job, and the reissued xmas check from her father I never saw. She calls it her Lincoln fund. She actually took 500 out of it to help pay the ernist money.   I'll tell you that if the SHTF with us. I have no qualms of just up and leaving her the house.    Well I hope everyone has a good weekend. Of course I have to work.   I'll be checking in.   Kymmie
    • Elizabeth Star
      This is a thing that's bothered me quite a bit over the years. I don't have any children of my own or in my life anywhere. I feel like I really missed out and may have been a good mother. Now that I'm in my late 40's I just try to push those thoughts out of my mind.
    • Elizabeth Star
      Aww, thanks Teri ❤️
    • Jandi
      That is more than irritating.  It is…  I don't even want to go there.  It is at the least infuriating to me just hearing about it.  It is dehumanizing.   I'm sorry you have to hear this from family.  It must hurt.
    • Teri Anne
      Its most deff you  Liz. Looking great btw.  
    • Astrid
      Yes.  We're all unique in some ways, but especially so for non-binary folks. For one, being fully masculine or feminine doesn't seem to fit, so the things that cis people take for granted and that MtF and FtM people often strive for (like passing) don't apply.  That can be a significant difference!    Finding out what makes me happy is important, and probably is for all who are gender non-conforming.  But the look(s) I present in public as a non-binary person are unique, in the sense that while I'm skewed more feminine, that doesn't mean I sport a hyper-feminine style.  So, I may raise (a few) eyebrows at times, but I've long since learned that interacting with strangers need not be (and now, isn't) as stressful as it was early on.  The folks in my immediately circle know and accept me, and that's the important thing to me.   I wish you the very best as you explore more about your identity.  Don't be surprised if your "label" changes -- several times.  Many of us adjust them as we grow and learn and experience and evolve.   Astrid
    • VickySGV
      I assure you, you are not alone there.  We are here for you.  
    • Elizabeth Star
      I finally found an outfit that makes me feel like myself.            
    • Willow
      Wow,  @Mmindy get well soon.   @Hannah Renee congratulations on the name news.   @Bri2020  the Myrtle Beach market still appears to be pretty hot.  Fastest growing area.  We just moved in and the theoretical value is up about $40k.   three more buildings and they are done.  They have barely started on the next building.  It’s on the other side of the parking lot from ours.   I did not go to group this evening.  Traffic is bad and roads are wet so not a good travel day.   willow 
    • Davie
      Sorry, @Vidanjaliif I triggered you. Too soon. Life in Florida, I see. Understandable. I'm in a good gay state here in Mass. although those laws affect everyone in a general way. I use humor to deflect the bad news. Things will swing the other way eventually, I hope. Socially, nation-wide LGBT issues are being accepted more and more Pride is almost a national holiday itself now (if you count the flags next to corporate logos.) I can dig a day like: national chocolate with almonds. Let's do that.as long as reality is more absurd than funny. cheers, Davie 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      I feel what you're saying.  I haven't even figured out pronouns yet.  My husband's mother calls me "it" which is really irritating.    I think you'll find that hair is pretty easy, depending on your style.  My husband actually cuts mine these days.  He's a real wizard with a pair of scissors and a $25 clipper from Walmart.  He cuts his own hair with two mirrors.  The shorter you cut it, the easier it seems to be to manage.  Once you're more confident, you might give it a try.  If you mess up, you can always adjust it shorter since it grows back 😉     
    • Heather Nicole
      I tried AA and didn't find it "horrible" or anything and I also didn't feel pressured into christianity. And it was clear to me that your own "higher power" didn't even have to be any "God" or deity or anything like that if that isn't what works for you. I did get the impression that AA seemed (at least to me) to be modeled very closely after christianity, or at least drew a lot of inspiration from it. Ultimately, for both that, and a variety of other reasons, I felt that AA just wasn't the best match for me, personally. (Although I can definitely see how it's certainly very good for a lot of people.)   I've actually joined in several of Moderation Management's Zoom meetings (albeit in guy mode) and was very happy with it. For me, at least, it's been a very good fit. And they do have an abstinence group too, if you're going for that rather than just trying to moderate.  
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      That looks interesting.  I might show it to my partners.  I've got a couple of current/former/struggling alcohol users in my bunch.  Abstinence was a total no-go, which is AA's only method. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      Yeah, that does sound complicated.  Not really sure where to go from here, still not sure what I'm supposed to be.  And unfortunately, the decisions are ones I have to make, and nobody else can do it for me.  I'm not good at that.  🙄    
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.


Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules


Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.


Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
  • Create New...