hello -struggling

[Tricia]

Hi all,  My name is Tricia.   I am currently a 59 year old male, with strong feminine feelings.  I have been married for 35 years, have 2 grown children.  I love my wife and care for her very much.  We have a fairly good marriage, some on and off challenges.   I love my children very much, have a close relationship with them.  I should note I live in Hawaii with my wife, my children live in the Northeast.  We moved to Hawaii 4 years ago.  We sold almost everything we owned to move here, enjoy life here, a new start (we got married when we were both in our early 20's, had children right away).  For a long time, I have had feminine feelings, liked dressing and feeling as a woman.  Over the last year I have had a difficult time containing them.   I very much feel like I might be transgender mtf.   I feel like there is this other being in me screaming to get out, I can no longer control.   I have started seeing a gender therapist, which is helping being able to fully open up about this.   I had told no one about this, I knew it would freak my wife out.    I have finally told my wife I have these feminine feelings, might be transgender.   She has been a good listener, but despondent.   She has said if I am transgender, she cannot stay married to me, will support me, always be my best friend.  I of course ideally would like not to lose my wife, but I can understand how she feels.   I have been reading about gender identity, it has been helpful.  I have always felt if I lost my wife (divorce for whatever reason), I would become a woman, I would not be able to control myself.   I feared this.  I do not know if that was ever fair to my wife that I had these internal feelings, perhaps held on to her longer because of this.    What is really difficult is I want to "be me," at 59 I feel like I am on my final 1/3 of life.  On the other hand, we are on the cusp of retiring, were planning to in 2022.  We looked forward to travel together.   My daughter is getting married this coming August 2022.   I do not want to cast a shadow over her wedding.   I hate the thought of blowing up our lives.    I don't mind continuing to work, support my wife, enable her to still retire,.    If I conclude I am transgender, I will lose my wife.   I think my children will be shocked, but still love and support me with time.  I feel the same for my close friends.   I am not sure, but I would most likely choose to transition, do hormone treatment.  I do not know about surgeries.  One step at a time.     I do have a friend locally who I have spoken to about this, and a woman colleague at work whom I also feel comfortable speaking.  I am very lucky there.   It feels from these conversations, with the aforementioned 2 people, my therapist, my wife that they all think I have already decided I am transgender and will transition.    I am feeling maybe they are seeing, hearing something I just have not been able to articulate.    If I was not married, did not have children, this would not be as huge a decision.   It weighs so heavy on me.   I feel very depressed, in a lose, lose situation.   It is weighting so heavy on me how much this is hurting my wife.   I need to make a decision in the near future.   It is not fair to make her wait and wait.  

 

About my last year:   It has been a tough year, I lost my dog of 15 years, my step father, my mother, 2 close friends (none to covid).   I got both ears pierced about a year ago.  I love wearing ear rings, especially dangle ear rings (My wife hates me wearing dangle ear rings, so I do not wear them around her).   I love getting my nails and toe nails done (Mani and Pedis), I have done short extensions a few times.  I love doing this, it feels so me, same with the ear rings.   I would have my nails done with extensions and color all the time if I did not anger my wife.   My wife gets angry when I get my nails done with color or extensions.  She takes it as a personal affront.   Lately, we have had open conversations where I explained I do not do these things to upset her, it is because they very much make me feel "me."    She understands that better, but still does not support it.   I recently shaved my chest, stomach, thighs, feet.  I am crawling in my skin about my body hair, I so want to shave my legs and arms, but I know that will freak my wife out.   My wife asked me to sleep in our guest bedroom about a month ago.  Since then she has had me stay in and out of our bedroom.   Other times she asked me to leave our home, I stay at a friends cottage that is currently available.   While there, I do dress female almost all the time.   I do want to be with my wife, but I know she cannot tolerate my feminine side.   She has made it clear she does not want to see me dressed in women's clothing.   I understand her perspective, feelings.  At same time I so want to be "me."

 

I so want to connect with someone who has gone through a similar experience with their wife and also their transgender discovery experience.     Sorry to writer such a disorganized introduction!  That is my mind right now, pudding!    Just trying to give a little background.     Thank you for listening.

    

 

 

   

 

 

 

 

   

[tracy_j]

Hi Tricia, welcome to the forum.

 

Thank you for your introduction. It will sound very familiar to many here. You are not alone. Please don't hesitate to join in. You will soon find your feet.

 

Tracy

[Jackie C.]

Oh yeah. @Tricia, you're going to find just so, so many members who have been through what you are. That's a pretty common story 'round these parts. Sometimes, the spouse comes around. Sometimes they don't.

 

I can tell you from personal experience though, the only way you'd be able to talk to me now had I not come out when I did was with a Ouija board. Suppressing such a big part of yourself takes a toll. You have to do what's right for you. The people who love you will still love you. The rest don't matter.

 

Hugs!

[Heather Shay]

Welcome. I have a similar background and understand and best you the best. I am 69 and came out to my wife year and a half ago. We've been married 29 years and it has been extremely painful but with glimmers of hope to save married.

Glad you found gender I.d. therapist. That is going to be big help as is finding many friends here who are in your age range who will answer your questions honestly and truthfully and be a big support.

[Charlize]

Welcome Trica.

 I'm glad you joined us here.  Therapy really helped me.  My therapist helped with the family issues that became a major part of my life as i moved towards change.  My relationship with my wife has changed and while that upset me at first we have actually grown even closer now that i am honest.  Time has certainly helped as well.  Early in the process i was raw and terribly hurt as was she.  Today those feelings have mostly faded away, only to return on rare occasions.  I think we both simply want to move on and enjoy our lives as we can, supporting each other.

This is not a journey without pain.  Hopefully yours will pass as mine has, to bring a better life.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

 

[Delcina B]

Welcome @Tricia! Other than a few nuances like geography you're telling my story. You mentioned, if you conclude you're transgender. I think if I am transgender it's who I am, the question was what will I do with it once I accepted it. After I told my wife, & she had some time to process it, in one conversation she finished by saying what I was doing was selfish. I thought about it & that she might've been right, so I put Delcina in a box. During the next four days I was right back to my very angry old self & resentful toward her for it. This is a bad place for me, it leads to self destructive behavior. I don't want to live like that anymore. I love my wife, but I can't change who I am & I understand if she doesn't accept me & may even hate me for it, I did for over 45 years. I am not in a box today & can accept & love me just as I am. This forum of loving, accepting people has played big part in it. I hope you find the same.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

[Mmindy]

Welcome to TransPulseForums @Tricia, as mentioned earlier, except for a few points in your timeline, and geography. Our stories are very similar, so you’re among like people here. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[Tricia]

Thank you all for such a warm welcome.  Hearing that your stories are similar helps so much in knowing I am not alone.   As you all know, this is so hard.  In the end, I want to be me while causing the least hurt as possible for others.    A hard part for me is remembering how much I am hurting not being the authentic me.   Wishing you all a wonderful day.   

[Janae]

Welcome @Tricia.  @Jackie C.summed it up very nicely.  You will get some very good advice and support here at TP.  If I may offer you some advice, I would say the most important thing you can do is have open and honest communication with your partner.  Sometimes these conversations will be hard, and many tears will be shed, but they are very crucial if there is to be any hope in salvaging a relationship. Listen to what your partner has to say, and don’t jump to conclusions- keep to the facts.  There will be times when you will come to a fork in the journey- sometimes you may need to take the turn that seems twice as long as the other.  
Happy trails, wishing you all the best
Hugs

Janae

[Tricia]

Thank you for what sounds like sound, but difficult advise Janae