Frustrated

[JustineM]

As the title says I’m getting rather frustrated. Most of my family is being very supportive of my transition. But there are a few that while they say they support me will not gender me correctly.

 Today my aunt posted a message on my FB calling me her nephew. My brother still calls me bro. 
 

Then my wife, she says she supports me, has no issue vocal issue with me wearing clothes or makeup. Heck she even buys stuff for me. BUT she almost never correctly genders me. I’m getting really frustrated and hurt but I don’t know how to bring it up to people without seeming confrontational and snarky. 

[stveee]

Sometimes it's hard to differentiate what's more muscle memory/habit for others mixed in with a bit of denial, or difficulty going through the transition process as a family... or cognitive dissonance or -just plain laziness.

I have yet to experience this on a long-term basis, I expect it takes time to reprogram, but you become aware over time whether someone is trying to accept or not.

If someone continually refers to me as that dead person, I have to assume the relationship is uh, basically dead. A fascade. They are in relations with their image and not the actual person. 

You may have to do that sit down heart to heart with wife about how you really feel about being misgendered and hopefully the relationship is on a firm enough foundation that compromise can be reached. 

[KathyLauren]

It doesn't sound like they are doing it to annoy you, since they seem otherwise to be supportive.  They just aren't learning.  That may be because getting it wrong has no consequences for them.

 

So, it may be time to start creating consequences.  It doesn't have to be anything major or angry, just a correction.  When your brother calls you "bro", just correct him, "That would be 'sis' to you."  When your aunt calls you nephew, just say, "You mean niece."

 

 

[JustineM]

Well the conversations with my wife and aunt went better than I thought they would.

My wife says that since I haven’t “fully” transitioned it’s been hard for her to make the change. She said that she would have had an easier time if I was non-binary with they/them. She has been trying to switch from calling me her husband to calling me her spouse. I don’t think I will EVER get her to call me her wife lol. I did make the point to her about how much it’s been hurting to have her keep misgendering me so we will see how that goes.

 

My aunt I know I told her about going on HRT but I guess somehow I never told her that I was going by Justine and She/Her pronouns. Not sure how I missed that but ok that was my bad. All in all a better day today, glad I talked to them. 

[Mmindy]

That sounds workable @JustineM.

It’s best to just sit down and talk things out, before they get out of hand. We also need to remember that the people around us have to transition with us. Even if it’s just verbally. As for how your wife refers to you in conversation, spouse, partner, or significant other is way better than husband. She may never refer to you as her wife, because she has always been the wife. 
 

Hugs, stay positive, and safe 

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

[JustineM]

The initial conversation led to a much longer deeper conversation with my wife last night. Lots of things aired some tears were shed and I hope we are moving forward from here. 

[Mmindy]

17 minutes ago, JustineM said:

I hope we are moving forward from here. 

Good morning Justine,

I hope you two are moving forward together, and working things out.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋