How Did You Know/Figure It Out?

[Sol]

Hello, once again posting ramblings about realizations and asking for advice/tips.

How did you figure out that you were trans or how did you know you were trans? Cause I've had this big suspicion and increasing desire to call myself trans, but at the same time I'm hesitant because I don't really know if I *know* I'm trans, if that makes any sense at all? I like going by he/they more than she/her, I want to get a breast reduction/removal when I'm older and can afford it, I want to get sterilized (i.e. remove my ovaries, seriously I hate those things with every fiber of my being), and I'm considering if taking T is an option I want to pursue. 

I already want to cut my hair and I wear compression bras (I want to wear binders so bad), and I've gotten increasingly distressing feelings of "You look too feminine," "Your breasts are still obvious," "Your hair is too long," etc etc. But I still don't know if I want to essentially "claim the label" so to speak, because it could be too early (I only really started exploring how I felt 2-4 months ago) and I don't know. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

(I'm gonna go be a floor pancake for a while, now.)

[NoStormClouds]

I understand this.. so so much, I've spent a long time questioning; I only fully accepted that it is how I feel in the past year, 

I only really knew that its what I want because I started experimenting with my hair, and other things that "define" who you are. For the first time probably ever, I started to like the person in the mirror!

I hope that makes sense! 

[Kathy2020]

From my own limited experience, I think I am on firm ground saying almost every transgender person has these kinds of doubts at least once, and a lot of us have them more often and/or experience them in waves over time. Age is also a factor, and generally speaking, the older you are, the more mental conditioning you have to overcome along with probable denial at some level. Sooo, don't panic, you are in good company!

 

For advice, I would recommend what my support group usually suggests to those asking the same questions. Step 1, find a good gender therapist! They are able to give you advice and identify markers like dysphoria from a professional, outside view that won't be distorted by your own inner gremlins. Step 2, dip your toes in the pool! Very few people jump into the deep end right off, even the younger generations. Try a few things that are simple and not necessarily permanent, and see how they make you feel. There is no reason why you can't start wearing a binder right off, and I don't know a cis-girl that hasn't had a short haircut at least once in their lives. Heck, some even like short hair and are not trans, imagine that! If these types of things create a sense of euphoria for you, then you are probably on the right track and should talk about other steps with your therapist. Eventually you will just start to know where you land on the gender scale and then you can think about other things like surgeries or HRT.

 

I hope that helps, and remember, "Do not try and bend the spoon, only try to realize the truth..." err... sorry, watching sci-fi channel at the moment!  

[ashsfire]

Oh man, this is a long response, sorry ahead of time. I apparently had a lot more to say on this than I thought I did

 

On 12/6/2021 at 5:32 PM, Sol said:

How did you figure out that you were trans or how did you know you were trans?

Good question. I've always been bad at the feminine side of things, I was raised more like a boy would be raised, and I've never felt comfortable in my own body. But I think I only realized that this was because I truly did feel like a male on the inside when I was 21, and it took me maybe another good 6 or 7 years to really wrap my head around what that meant and what I needed to change about myself to feel better in my own body. Then another several years of some serious deep thinking to really find the identity I truly feel like I align with. I would say leave yourself open to how you see yourself. It sounds like you already have a pretty good idea of it. I also found that being able to clearly identify the things that I am not, and the things that I absolutely don't want to do or become, has really helped to point me in the right direction.

 

I personally have a hard time with the word "trans" because I see myself as male, and saying I'm trans just makes the dysphoria worse because to me, it's a reminder that I'm not physically male in the sense I'd like to be. This isn't to say that I think the term trans is bad in any way, I think a lot of people should be extremely proud of claiming that title, but to me personally, I see myself mentally  as strictly male on the he/him/they spectrum.

 

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I want to get a breast reduction/removal when I'm older and can afford it, I want to get sterilized (i.e. remove my ovaries, seriously I hate those things with every fiber of my being), and I'm considering if taking T is an option I want to pursue.

I totally understand you there. I have zero money to spend on such things and health insurance that doesn't cover it, so I'm right there with you on the "waiting" side of things. In the meantime, I do my best to remind myself that even though there are parts of myself I don't like and want to change, this is still my body and need to make sure it is strong and healthy, especially if I do want these changes to happen.

 

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I already want to cut my hair and I wear compression bras (I want to wear binders so bad), and I've gotten increasingly distressing feelings of "You look too feminine," "Your breasts are still obvious," "Your hair is too long," etc etc.

I totally agree with Kathy2020 and NoStormClouds, experiment with your hair and style! There are tons of cis girls out there with short haircuts, so it's easy to justify if you have parents or others around you who are going to make a fuss about it. I've had that problem, and still do even as a grown adult, with people telling me my hair's too short, and honestly, I've just stopped caring what they have to say about it because I'm way happier with short hair. It sounds bad, but sometimes you just have to tell people (in your head), to just take their opinions and go jump off a cliff. You gotta do what's right for you, not what they think is right for you, though I know this is not the easiest thing if you're still living with parents or whatever. I've also found that wearing men's deodorant or other scents that aren't feminine can be a nice reminder that while I can't change my appearance the way I want, I can at least have some sort of defiance and a pleasant reminder of who I truly am on the inside.

 

On another note, until you can wear a binder or get the surgery you want, have you looked into exercising? There are a lot of good exercises out there that help build chest muscle which can sometimes help flatten things out a bit, and really, no one should complain if you are trying to exercise under the pretense of "I want to be healthier". I also found Toni Mitchell on youtube has some really great advice on breast reduction without surgery, and a lot of the comments on those videos are from people of all walks of life who hate their breasts and want them to go away, and oddly I found that reading them made me feel much less lonely.

 

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But I still don't know if I want to essentially "claim the label" so to speak, because it could be too early (I only really started exploring how I felt 2-4 months ago) and I don't know. 

Any advice would be much appreciated. Thanks.

(I'm gonna go be a floor pancake for a while, now.)

Take your time. Maybe worry less about labels and more about how you really see yourself. Once you start working that out, you tend to fall naturally into the label, rather than choosing a label and then trying to squeeze yourself into it.

 

Also, I love the term "floor pancake" I have floor-pancaked more times than I can count, even recently. I find I pancake more often when I feel lonely (I live with a supportive partner but definitely not in a supportive town), so these forums have been awesome, even though I rarely post anything here. Here's a hug from afar and know you're not alone!