Learning to Hide

[Jamey-Heather]

I posted this in MtF, but I thought it might be helpful to some, especially younger folks. Essentially, my coming out journey started a quarter century ago, and I only really came out just before Thanksgiving USA:

 

I have no memories of not sneaking into my female relatives rooms and trying on their clothes (which of course never fit). I also have no memories of not knowing to hide this.

But at around the age of eight, a tv show called The Bionic Woman came out.

Up to and including that show, I loved Isis, Wonder Woman, and any and all representations of strong women.

But the bionic woman's name was Jamie, which happens to almost be my name. 

Now, none of the kids made fun of girls for being girls, but I was made fun of for "being a girl". I remember being nearly in tears and telling them "but I'm not a girl". Because, much to my disappointment, I wasn't (physically). But the message I heard was "it's okay to be a girl if you were born (afab) a girl; it is not okay to be a girl if you were amab". And boy howdy did I internalize that. At eight.

So I started to go by James (the name on my birth certificate) for a few years. That didn't feel right, so I switched to the hypermasculine Jim. No one I knew called me Jim. They always softened it by calling me Jimbo.

However, in the meantime, I continued to get messages that being amab but knowing you were female was not okay. Too many to list. I'm sure you all had similar experiences....

At 25, I started going by Jamey again. Although all my stuff was buried deep, this was really the start of my coming out journey.

Love and hugs ❤❤❤

[Amber76]

Good for you! I know it's so hard and scary. You're just as heroic as The bionic woman. 🤗🤗🤗

[Dana Michelle]

A few months ago I was up at 3:00am so I flipped through the channels and found Bionic Woman. Later I ordered it on DVD. Since it only lasted three seasons, I went through the series quickly.

 

[Jamey-Heather]

4 hours ago, Dana Michelle said:

A few months ago I was up at 3:00am so I flipped through the channels and found Bionic Woman. Later I ordered it on DVD. Since it only lasted three seasons, I went through the series quickly.

 

Was it any good? I remember loving at as a little girl, but it’s been a few weeks since those days 🥰

[Jamey-Heather]

4 hours ago, Amber76 said:

Good for you! I know it's so hard and scary. You're just as heroic as The bionic woman. 🤗🤗🤗

Thank you 💗

[Jamey-Heather]

I just remembered how I used to spin around on my driveway, hoping i’d transform into my own version of Wonder Woman. The more I open up about my authentic self, the more these memories trickle in….

[Lenneth]

First, it's wonderful you have been able to find the path forward as you've been coping with everything tied to your identity and who you are.  It sounds like it was a long, arduous journey.  Obviously my experiences wouldn't be exactly like yours, but what you said about thinking you had to be afab to be a girl resonates quite significantly with me.  I can't recall my specific thoughts on gender, identity, or where I felt it was right for me to be quite as early as eight.  I may have started that early, I just can't say for certain.  But I started keeping a journal when I was eleven.  I kept several off and on up into my late teens or early twenties.  In that first journal though, I spelled out quite bluntly in my own handwriting and words, that I wanted to be a girl.  The desire never changed or went away.  I got sucked into the same logic you mentioned @Jamey.  I had to be afab to be a girl and no matter what I did or how I felt, I would never be what I felt I was.  It's why I bought into the internal lie to myself about who I was and what I really felt.  Everything in my enviornment was pushing that concept.  I was amab, there was only one way for me to develop, only certain ways I could act, only certain things I could wear, and the list of activities I was supposed to participate in, or enjoy, all had rules on how I was "supposed" to do it as a boy/man.

 

I can sympathize with you over the the negative interactions with the other children too.  I've always been on the smaller end of the spectrum and was never much interested in many of the things the boys did.  I didn't have the physical capacity for it and wasn't really interested in being laughed at for sucking at things because I was smaller, weaker, and less aggressive than the peers I was "supposed" to be playing with.  I don't recall ever really breaking down over it, but I got those comments about "being a girl," or whatever variation of the statement they used.  Being rather sensitive and emotional didn't help with any masculine presence either.

 

The coping mechanism I found was one only made possible as computers, the internet, and venues like chat rooms were becoming more ubiquitous.  I don't know if you ever struggled or thought about your situation in any way similar to this, but, for me, I took every opportunity I could to take the female options, characters, and personas in anything I played or did when it was possible to choose anything for myself.  If I could choose, or use, a female character in a game for example.  In my mind it was *something* I could do to bring me closer to what I wanted to be and felt more comfortable with.  Even if it was a laughably infinitesimal step, it was still better than nothing.  Back before catfishing was such a major problem, I used to skirt around admitting my birth assigned sex.  If I never said I was "male" and/or never denied being "female," the people talking to me would make their own assumptions about me.  I felt that was a more accurate representation of who I really was if, for no other reason, the assumptions people were making about me came from their personal feelings about the way I interacted and presented myself in the absence of making any specific assertion about my assigned sex.  Once people got past the awkwardness of talking to me when they weren't able to categorize me in their own worldview, they decided where I fit and then interacted with me on that basis.

 

Unfortunately, the name I was working with wasn't as flexible in lending itself to anything besides a masculine identity.  There was no leeway or ambiguity it could afford.  Lying about my name was not the best choice I could have made.  I won't argue that.  At the time though, I was using what was available to me to get as close to feeling like the girl I wished I was.  But going forward from there, I thought I was doing all I could.  I believed my little forays into online forums and chat rooms and picking females to represent me in the games I played was the extent of anything I'd ever be able to do.  Which wasn't healthy.  Feeling like I was "supposed" to be something left me not bringing up or addressing everything I was feeling about my identity and place in the world.  Fortunately widespread understanding and support has blossomed over the years and the available resources for the things I felt gained more traction.  So here we are.  Yeah I wish I could have felt and believed the things I do now back then.  But I finally was able to realize what I was fighting against and find people able and willing to help me get to where I am.  How that went over with other people in my life...that's a different story and one still very much in progress.

[Katie M]

I'm happy you're sharing your story with us, Jamey, and it's wonderful that you're blossoming into whom you've always known yourself to be! 💜

[Jamey-Heather]

43 minutes ago, Katie M said:

I'm happy you're sharing your story with us, Jamey, and it's wonderful that you're blossoming into whom you've always known yourself to be! 💜

❤️💖💓💗💝