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The dysphoria is real today


ashsfire

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Over the last couple of years, me and my partner have worked through some serious relationship hurdles. We love each other like crazy, have no intention of being with anyone else, and have been together for over ten years now. He was with me before I was Ash, when I was far more feminine, and when I told him that I feel male, and that if I had been born male, I would have ended up as a gay man, and for my own mental health I had to start making changes, he literally broke down crying and laughing at the same time and told me he was all for it and fully supportive because he's gay and has been terrified to say so because he didn't know what would happen to our relationship and didn't want to lose me. So, huge hurdles, huge learning curves, extremely long and deep discussions... and I'm pretty sure nothing could break this relationship at this point. He makes me feel great, he treats me like the guy I feel like I should be.

 

But man, the dysphoria is real and frickin' intense today, top and bottom. I feel so low right now because I want my body to freaking match how I feel inside, and I want to punch something because it makes me so mad. And instead I have to go to work for eight hours, smile and nod at people and their petty problems that I really couldn't care less about, be someone I'm really not, and I just want to bang my head against the wall. Normally I listen to music or read a book to just kind of get out of my own head for a bit when I feel like this but even that's not helping. Uuuugghhhh.

 

Anyway, thanks for listening. I don't really have any questions, but it's nice to send something out into the vast abyss of the internet and actually get replies from people who actually understand. This forum is amazing

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Hi  @ashsfire . Just here to say I sympathize. I'm sorry you're feeling such frustration. But, I loved reading your story about you and your partner. What a journey for both of you. I am glad you have each other. I am nonbinary, and feel attraction towards men in what I intuitively feel is like a gay man would feel for another man. There's no way to explain it other than to say it's intuitive. I have many gay male friends and very often wish they would see me as one of them, although I do not ID as a man. That's frustrating for me. So, although our respective situations are not quite the same, I definitely feel for you. 

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I would also like to express my sympathies! 

I experience dysphoria as well (mostly top, unless I'm on my period then hooboy) but it still sucks and I would like to get rid of these organic milk bags ASAP. And I get the feeling of having to pretend to be someone, but I have to admit for me it's different. I get called "girl," (mostly by family members as a way of address or exclamation), but I was already having a bad day and my grandma called me "girl," and I may have cussed at her and said "I'm not a *bleep* girl!" (Hint; I said the f-word). She hasn't called me one since, so I think me snapping definitely changed something. Honestly, holding it in through work is something I don't trust myself to do, even if I wish you didn't have to do it in the first place.

And I might be gay myself! I've never really thought about getting into a relationship with someone, but it always seemed like something that I would like, but it was usually with men or more masculine women. I just want to be picked up, is that too much to ask? Compound that with me being trans (I'm more sure than I was a while ago, and it's starting to make a bit of sense now), and maybe I am gay. I always related more to the guys and especially the gay ones, in real life and in fiction. Fiction was a big help in figuring stuff out because I started relating to guys more and especially the trans guys. 

Very confusing, very frustrating, and it still is. I'm waiting for the period to come a knocking but fingers crossed that it takes a vacation forever. 

That being said, I hope your day is at least going better, and I would recommend some warm blankets, good music, and maybe a hug if you feel up to it. You get a virtual one from me! You've got this.

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17 hours ago, Sol said:

I just want to be picked up, is that too much to ask? 

 

Me too - that's why I married a big dude who's 6' and 220 lbs. 😂 Oh, maybe you didn't mean literally! 💪☺️

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