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A difficult first in my transition...


Audrey

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Hi everyone,

 

I want to share with you all about an experience I had today that was one of the most difficult of my transition so far. On my bus ride home, I sat by the window, leaving a seat open beside me on the aisle near the front of the bus by the driver. A man got on the bus and took the seat beside me even though there were empty rows further back. The man made no secret about his attraction and spent the whole thirty minute ride making conversation and eye contact with me. I was super anxious and tried not to show it, wondering if he would clock me. The whole time I felt *trapped* and it was just an awful feeling, and when he did not read my lack of interest nor move to empty seats, it just heightened my sense of feeling trapped. Thankfully he did not touch me or make any attempt to, but I was ready with "no means no!" if he tried. I also sought out eye contact with women sitting nearby who were very tuned in to what was going on. He did get off several stops before me, but his sharing revealed he lives close to my workplace so there is that.

 

I learned some very important lessons today around safety today that I will not soon forget, and I will change some of my own behavior as a result. I am also feeling an empathy for what women can face, and what it is like to be on the receiving end of unwanted attention. There was a time, not really that long ago, where I was convinced that I would never pass. Now that it is clear that I can and do, I am quickly understanding how the world responds to me in a different light. And I need to be emotionally prepared!

 

If anyone has any experience or thoughts around handling this kind of situation, I would be most grateful! ❤️

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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Audrey,

 

I'm so glad that incident passed without any issues for you.  I can only imagine how nerve-wracking it must have been.  Honestly, I think you handled the situation as best you could have.  I also think your response of : "no means no" is a good defense strategy.  In a public place, I think making such a statement aloud would effectively stave off most aggressors.   When we are out and about, it so important to stay alert and on guard.  It probably isn't fair that we have to, but it is necessary.  My wife reminds me all the time that women must always maintain a heightened sense of awareness if they want to avoid scary encounters.   

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Thank you, @Sally Stone... I am relieved the situation resolved the way it did. I agree that it is not fair, and that how I dress or carry myself are not reasons for any kind of unwanted attention. I strive to be vigilant of my surroundings, eyes up and not buried in a phone or otherwise distracted, purse secured, and projecting confidence with my body language. Yet, as aware as I might have been, I understand how I can do better to avoid putting myself in a situation where I could be trapped that way... in this case, sitting on the aisle and not by the window. I also should have been more assertive and moved the moment I felt uncomfortable.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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  • Forum Moderator

Being the object of attraction definitely can be difficult at times.  Sitting on the isle or with another woman would be a good idea.  There are few places where one is really safe.  Often the super market seems safe to me as it is a woman's world to some extent.  You will also notice women often travel with friends as it bis safer.

You did fine.  NY is a pretty tough place to travel at times.  We are close here in NJ but i always feel such a defenseless country gal in town.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

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I relate to your difficult situation and remember two I had. The first was like yours and I felt trapped by this guy who was probably on drugs. Afterwards I told a friend who gave me a suggestion. The second time I said excuse me, I stood up, and got off to take the next subway train—it was worth the wait for sure. I didn't have to sit in fear. I acted, and that made all the difference. Hope you feel safer now. Good luck. Hugs,

Davie

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I’m sorry that you had that experience. My wife worries about my safety and urges me to constantly be on the lookout for creeps. I seem to pass ok and haven’t had any trouble. I’m a mail lady and I think my USPS uniform protects me a bit. 
 

i will say that, from the pics you’ve posted, I would never think you are anything but the woman you are.

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Thank you everyone for your support! ❤️

 

I am still a little raw from the experience yesterday, but staying focused on all the positives from living my authentic life. The shift from wondering "what if they clock me?" to "what if they *don't* clock me?" is both very empowering but also very scary. I do feel that NYC is generally a safe and accepting place as a transgender person, and the number of transphobic encounters I have had with strangers has thankfully been vanishingly small. However, my anxiety stemmed from the idea that the man next to me on the bus saw me as a cisgender woman and the uncertainty of how he might react if he later discovered I was trans. I did talk with a couple of my (cisgender) friends last night about some ways I can keep safer around men showing me more attention than I am comfortable with, especially if I am out by myself.

 

Love,

~Audrey.

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