Finding Hanna

[Hanna]

I finally found you Hanna! Yesterday I looked deep into my soul. I managed to see through all the shells that has been built up for decades. And, there you were, a little girl, a very sad, weeping little girl. You have been hidden all my life! I was so surprised to see you that I spoke out loud: I need to rescue her. I spontaneously used the pronoun her, without even thinking, because I immediately recognized you as a girl. I didn't know that you existed, but now I do, and suddenly all kinds of memories start making sense.

 

Do you remember? You were five years old. Your best friend was Neighbor girl. She was one year older than you and she was like a big sister to you. You played house with her and all her dolls and you were so happy. One day when she came home from school with her new friends, she said that you can't join them to play, because they don't like playing with boys. You became very sad when you were abandoned.

 

Do you remember? You were eight years old. You asked Mother to buy red knee socks for a Christmas play at school. Oh, how you loved to wear them in the play. But oh, how you hated them after that, because a boy was not supposed to wear pretty socks.

 

Do you remember? You were ten years old. Back then it became fashionable to wear cowboy boots. You asked Mother to buy a pair for you. The boots were so small and looked very cute and feminine. You loved wearing them! But, you also hated them, because a boy was not supposed to wear pretty boots.

 

Do you remember? You were eleven years old. You were on a sea journey with your family and Mother bought you a LEGO ship to build. The cabin was very small and there was a tiny table in front of a huge mirror. You could not sit there building your LEGO, because you hated the image in the mirror so much. You saw only an ugly boy there. Mother had to cover the mirror.

 

Do you remember? You were 14 years old. Father had bought a pair of red panties from France for Mother and you found them. You could not stop yourself from trying them on. What a wonderful feeling that was! Then you occasionally tried on more of Mother's underwear and clothes during your teenage years. You always felt ashame, because a boy was not supposed to wear women's clothes.

 

Do you remember the girls you had crushes on? You didn't obviously want to be with them because you never spoke a word to them. It seems like you just admired their beauty, wanting to be like them.

 

Do you remember Girlfriend? You were 27 years old and she was your first. You liked to cuddle with her and kiss her, but when you were about to lose your virginity you had such a strong panic attack that you started to cry like a baby. You could not bring yourself to do it, even though your male body was ready. Girlfriend left you and you were abandoned.

 

And what about Wife? It seems like your love for her was never strong enough. Why? Because you are obviously no man and you were simply not able to love her like a man would do. Wife is now leaving and you will be abandoned again.

 

I have found you Hanna. I have finally found you. I will not abandon you. But Hanna, where do we go from here?

[Heather Shay]

This is incredibly beautiful and so full of truth that many experience and don't know how to process. Thank you.

[Davie]

@Hanna Thank you for posting your story—it's so brave and beautiful and sharp-eyed and deeply felt. I see you. I see me in it, too.

— Davie