Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

It's harder and harder to fake it (present as male)


Jamey-Heather

Recommended Posts

The more I wear dresses, the more I "present", the more difficult I find it to not be authentic, in spite of the fact that I really do believe that me in jeans and a t-shirt is authentically female...

Link to comment

This makes sense although I understand the confusion too. I asked my therapist a similar question early on and she suggested that I might be applying male-female values such as presentation to myself as a type of internalized transphobia. Ya, I was confused and a little bit offended at first, but then she explained that I might find some discomfort with my transgender identity as a result of internalizing society's normative gender expectations that I had previously accepted and lived with most of my adult life. In other words, you might be equating presentation with gender identity because society has taught you to, but in fact the two are mutually exclusive. Does that mean its wrong to feel more feminine wearing a dress? Nope! It just means don't beat yourself up with guilt thinking that you need to wear a dress to feel authentic, or conversely, feel less authentic when jeans or slacks are more appropriate. 🙂

Link to comment

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

Link to comment
3 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

Right.

It was- based on the utility of it, also.

So that also is a key is lacking a type of preconception. I am referring to the notion that we are born with a "soul", or an innate nature, but it is also something that is revealed and manifested through action.

Which, without getting too deep into the weeds, could shed another angle on "authenticity". I am really seeing it is a continuum, not superficially: either one is being true or untrue, but more true or less. 

So going back to the utility example, it appears as if "authenticity" also is not so much a thing that exists for it's own sake, but is part of a system that leads to a desired result. 

I don't hear much Jung discussed in terms of Trans issues, but I think his discourse on persona and the "true self" is another angle to view challenges surrounding identity. Certainly others here are probably more versed on the subject. 

Ultimately, I derive the term "author" with authenticity, the point being, we and not society or others are writing the story of who we are.

Athough as I eluded to, there is a synergy between the two.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

When i went full time some time back i worked the farm in a skirt and decent top.  It was liberating and confirming if at times more difficult to preform some tasks.  I somehow felt like a pioneer woman 😄.   Today i'm most likely in jeans and a UPF50 shirt in the summer.  My lingerie this time of year is usually long underwear.  I do wear a skirt or dress to market which simply seems more comfortable in that venue.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize.

Link to comment

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

Link to comment
21 minutes ago, Delcina B said:

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

I guess I should have specified while teaching. I certainly do NOT wear dresses or even skirts when I'm working with the goats, sheep, cattle, pigs and chickens. Jeans an t-shirts for that, for sure! ❤️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I have to laugh at the memory of goat manure and mud on the hem of a long skirt as well as sawdust from the mill.  I guess i was desperate to declare my reality.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

@Jamey I totally get how you feel. For me I am not fully out at work, only HR knows. I wear womens jeans and womens Polo tops but still look male and some days it really gets me down as I want to fully present female, and I have to remind my self what my therypist tells you are a female whether or not you present that way right now and when the time is right you will show the world your true self.

 

Hugs,

Billie

Link to comment

I’ve been on hrt for nine months and love the feeling! I have always had an instinct to respond as a female but fought it back my whole life. Hrt gives me permission to act naturally. A woman noticed my earrings for the first today. I’ve known her for years and we meet at a toastmasters club in person and on zoom every week. She asked how long I had had them and my response was to smile and do a little shimmy with my shoulders to show my appreciation for the comments and to encourage the conversation in a female to female flirtatious way. I didn’t even think about it. It just happened and her response was a similar brightness in the eyes and a sudden realization of the unspoken body language. It just feels like my body is primed to respond to female cues. I go back in my memory now at first encounters with people I’ve met over the years and I drop the “masc” mask in my recollection and just imagine my self responding the way I really wanted to respond, and I imagine how the conversation or relationship might have developed differently. It feels great to smile, to blush, to experience emotions, to giggle without feeling embarrassed about it or fighting it. it’s not a sexual thing at all. It’s just a hormonal response that has been there all along and was repressed. I’m not dressing up or wearing makeup but my body language and vocal intonations are certainly developing, along with the other physical changes which are getting harder not to notice. It’s like Agnes is taking control and running the show and the voice in my head that used to drown that out is getting quieter and more understanding and compassionate. I don’t feel the need to prove anything by dressing a certain way, but I think that will probably happen gradually over time as a natural extension of who I am. I’m athletic and feel comfortable in sweats or leggings and I know a lot of other women my age who dress the same way so I don’t feel out of place. But I can foresee a day when I may have to present in a professional setting or a casual evening setting where something appropriate to the occasion might be called for. Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

Link to comment
5 minutes ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

That’s great @AgnesBardsie

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

@Jamey No worries hon (Southern girl's pronoun for everyone). I was trying to stir up a little humor. But, as Charlize has set the stage I'm thinking I need a gate.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment
  • 10 months later...

I don't wear male clothing anymore, because I packed it all the good stuff ready to be given to others and thrown away all the stuff that looks second hand.  I wear dresses more often than not, mostly because they equate to less weight and space in my backpack - practicality, I ride a bicycle to and from work.  Length of time since last wearing an outfit plays a pretty big part in my choice of outfits to wear.
PS.  For a special night out, I always wear one of my prettiest dresses.  Dressing down would spoil the night.

Link to comment

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

This is quite an interesting topic for me as well, cool that folks are discussing this.  Even after 14+ months of HRT I still have to make a substantial effort to present fem.  Even with my long hair, if I put it in a pony tail, throw on a baseball hat, pair of carharts and a hoodie, plus my big black boots (basically my uniform since high school) I look virtually the same as I did before HRT, no one questions I'm cis-male.  Part of that is likely cause all the men's clothes I still have are quite baggy (I never liked my body so didn't want to have to look at it), but I think the biggest thing is my voice which is a whole different thing...

 

I left my job some months ago and had some medical issues (not transition related) which means I've been out of work for longer then planned.  So, I decided that I'm going to be applying for my new job, I've got a standing offer, as Kerry instead of Kevin.  So, lots of clothes shopping and makeup practice for me.  I'm still struggling with being fully comfortable presenting fem, fingers crossed it gets better when I'm doing it everyday.  It's been allot of thought for me about how to present myself both as I feel authentically and as a professional, since I'm a substance use counselor and want to show my clients I respect them enough to look like I give a -crap- about myself.  The being a counselor part is lucky for me since the vast majority of counseling agencies are very progressive when it comes to LGBTQ issues (at least where I live), and having someone on staff with experience working with that community is a big gold star for them. 
 

Link to comment
On 12/3/2022 at 2:31 PM, Betty K said:

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

f they already know me, it's no problem. I do feel like I'm hiding in plain sight in jeans and a t-shirt; it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude". It's nice to meet you, too 🥰

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
On 12/21/2022 at 2:16 PM, Jamey-Heather said:

 it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude".

Completely agree. Online has kind of been an escape for me on this front. People immediately don't assume what I was born as when chatting, it's nice just being able to be you online. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   7 Members, 0 Anonymous, 27 Guests (See full list)

    • Colleen Henderson
    • Hannah Renee
    • Ivy
    • MaryEllen
    • Nelsea
    • Astrid
    • techno_kinnie
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      77.8k
    • Total Posts
      732.2k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      10,416
    • Most Online
      8,356

    techno_kinnie
    Newest Member
    techno_kinnie
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Alex_
      Alex_
      (20 years old)
    2. Alisande
      Alisande
      (33 years old)
    3. Claire4now
      Claire4now
      (64 years old)
    4. Laura Michelle
      Laura Michelle
      (58 years old)
    5. Linda041w
      Linda041w
  • Posts

    • Astrid
      Yeah, I know some other NBs who've done the same, utilizing HRT only until they attained the (permanent) physical appearance they wanted.   That's never been my desire, because the mental gains that HRT has afforded me would disappear if I were to discontinue it -- and the mental aspect of it is every bit as vital to me as the physical.  My doctor confirmed that, in her experience, that's likely.  And my own several-week interruption of HRT last year during a medical procedure confirmed it for me, as well.  I have no plans to stop HRT; it's simply too integral to maintaining my positive attitude toward my whole identity, physical and mental.   Astrid
    • Astrid
      My distinctions are pretty much identical to yours, @Vidanjali.  The only difference is my AMAB origin, which means I would consider myself transfem-ish.  My deliberately imprecise place on the gender spectrum thus lies on the fem side; that's where I'm happiest.   Cheers,   Astrid
    • Delcina B
      Welcome @Rebel! Glad you're here! As you said "this is my life," while some of those I love have accepted me, some haven't, my wife, oops, ex-wife is one who didn't. Oddly we seem to get along better now than when we were married. The alternative to taking this journey exploring my gender was self-destruction. I'm glad I made the choice. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.   Hugs! Delcina 
    • KathyLauren
      @CD Rachel, you look great!  I am glad that things are going so well for you!
    • Delcina B
      Welcome @Andrea Nicole! Glad you're here! Our stories have so much in common. The more I travel this journey the more comfortable I feel with such a beautiful balance of mind & body. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.   Hugs! Delcina 
    • Delcina B
      Welcome Bo! Glad you're here. I can relate to someone trying to make me feel I was selfish for choosing to transition. My reality was, if I didn't I'd be drunk, dead, or both. I hope you find the wonderful support, advice & acceptance here as I have.   Hugs! Delcina 
    • Marcie Jensen
      Given this information, what she was a naked woman. Period. So...why is this even an issue? Which also begs the question, how on earth could the teen have known Ms wood was trans? This looks like an attention grab to me...
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      So, if there was no penis to see.... How exactly did the girl think she saw a naked male? Size of shoulders? Bone structure?  And without seeing genitals, how did she know this individual was naked in the first place?  Or am I a little bit dense?
    • CD Rachel
      Hello, sorry that I have been away for awhile but life sometimes has a way of getting interesting. So I have been seeing someone for the past 4 months now. We have been having a wonderful time together and I almost feel like my past life was a dream. Thanksgiving and Christmas with my family went very well. I feel so much like this is the life that I should have always had. I am totally out as Rachel and though I am not passing being fearless has led to meeting many new and wonderful people that accept me.    I have been surprised that I am also now being seen as the person that I had always wanted to be. Several times over the past 2 month people have  complimented me for being brave, generous, kind, loving, honest and open. Honestly when I started my transition these are the characteristics that I had written down describing the person that I wanted Rachel to be. The one that I was not planning on was brave but apparently that is how I am seen. My transition has truly been a transformative experience.   I hope that it is ok if I share a couple pictures of myself.... one from work and one from home.   Well, I have a lot of reading to do in order to catch up.. Hope everyone is doing well!  
    • Chanelta L.
      Hi Ivy,     It was a different time back 50's, 60's, and even 70's. Trans definitely wasn't a thing back then. Female impersonators, now that was the term. Now that I look back, my parents knew my tendencies, and I remember one conversation they had with me once about a supposed friend of my dad. There was a club near us for a while that had Female Impersonator shows and they told me about how his friend had a son who performed there and they were so proud of him.    I was oblivious at the time, but even if I knew it was a way to out myself I would have been too afraid to do so. I did not want to be different I guess.   Well I am much less afraid now, and am going to explore and embrace this side of me for sure. And you're right, it is never too late.    Chanelta
    • Ivy
      Saw a bit more on this: https://www.thedailybeast.com/how-a-santee-california-ymca-locker-room-freakout-became-an-anti-trans-crusade?ref=scroll   Thought this part was interesting. "In quick succession, the story traveled from KUSI to the New York Postand Daily Mail. A game of telephone played out in the process, with Mail, OAN, and The Daily Wire reporting that Phillips had seen a penis in the locker room. But Phillips herself had said in her city council comments only that she had seen a “naked male.” On local TV, she got a bit more specific, saying that she “did not see the man’s front side.” In fact, it would have been impossible for the teenager to see a penis, because Wood underwent gender-affirming surgery in 2016."
    • Maddee
      Sorry lame comment. I am surprised and happy to hear your good news Heather! Best to you going forward 🌈🌈
    • Jackie C.
      I know a AFAB NB who had some hormone therapy until their body had more-or-less the appearance that made them comfortable in their own skin. I presume they went through one of the informed consent clinics. I don't see them going cowboy route and just self-medicating though I've never asked.   Hugs!
    • Ivy
    • VickySGV
      Fully agree with @Carolyn Marieon locking this one.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...