Jump to content
  • Welcome to the TransPulse Forums!

    We offer a safe, inclusive community for transgender and gender non-conforming folks, as well as their loved ones, to find support and information.  Join today!

It's harder and harder to fake it (present as male)


Jamey-Heather

Recommended Posts

The more I wear dresses, the more I "present", the more difficult I find it to not be authentic, in spite of the fact that I really do believe that me in jeans and a t-shirt is authentically female...

Link to comment

This makes sense although I understand the confusion too. I asked my therapist a similar question early on and she suggested that I might be applying male-female values such as presentation to myself as a type of internalized transphobia. Ya, I was confused and a little bit offended at first, but then she explained that I might find some discomfort with my transgender identity as a result of internalizing society's normative gender expectations that I had previously accepted and lived with most of my adult life. In other words, you might be equating presentation with gender identity because society has taught you to, but in fact the two are mutually exclusive. Does that mean its wrong to feel more feminine wearing a dress? Nope! It just means don't beat yourself up with guilt thinking that you need to wear a dress to feel authentic, or conversely, feel less authentic when jeans or slacks are more appropriate. 🙂

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

Link to comment
3 minutes ago, KathyLauren said:

I had to go to Emergency yesterday.  I wasn't going to get all dressed up for that.  I just wore my regular "at home" clothes of a T-shirt and plaid shirt (in girly colours).  I put on my work jeans just because they were warmer than my regular at-home tights.  So I wasn't exactly exuding femininity, though an average observant person should have pegged me as a lesbian.

 

I got misgendered once.  😡  Fortunately, my records are all in my proper name, so at least when they eventually called me, it was done right.

 

I thought my presentation was quite authentic.

Right.

It was- based on the utility of it, also.

So that also is a key is lacking a type of preconception. I am referring to the notion that we are born with a "soul", or an innate nature, but it is also something that is revealed and manifested through action.

Which, without getting too deep into the weeds, could shed another angle on "authenticity". I am really seeing it is a continuum, not superficially: either one is being true or untrue, but more true or less. 

So going back to the utility example, it appears as if "authenticity" also is not so much a thing that exists for it's own sake, but is part of a system that leads to a desired result. 

I don't hear much Jung discussed in terms of Trans issues, but I think his discourse on persona and the "true self" is another angle to view challenges surrounding identity. Certainly others here are probably more versed on the subject. 

Ultimately, I derive the term "author" with authenticity, the point being, we and not society or others are writing the story of who we are.

Athough as I eluded to, there is a synergy between the two.

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

When i went full time some time back i worked the farm in a skirt and decent top.  It was liberating and confirming if at times more difficult to preform some tasks.  I somehow felt like a pioneer woman 😄.   Today i'm most likely in jeans and a UPF50 shirt in the summer.  My lingerie this time of year is usually long underwear.  I do wear a skirt or dress to market which simply seems more comfortable in that venue.  

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize.

Link to comment

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

Link to comment
21 minutes ago, Delcina B said:

   @Jamey Thank you for a good discussion.

   Hmm, I'm seeing an electrified, or electrifried dance move when I think about me hopping over the electric fence into the goat paddock.💃 I suppose I could put in a gate & wear a pretty dairy maid outfit.     

   Growing up the girls wore pants most all the time & in the Air Force we all wore the same uniform pants on the flight line. 

  I do feel a bit more feminine in a dress, but most of the time for me my femme is inner self driven.

I guess I should have specified while teaching. I certainly do NOT wear dresses or even skirts when I'm working with the goats, sheep, cattle, pigs and chickens. Jeans an t-shirts for that, for sure! ❤️

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator

I have to laugh at the memory of goat manure and mud on the hem of a long skirt as well as sawdust from the mill.  I guess i was desperate to declare my reality.

 

Hugs,

 

Charlize

Link to comment

@Jamey I totally get how you feel. For me I am not fully out at work, only HR knows. I wear womens jeans and womens Polo tops but still look male and some days it really gets me down as I want to fully present female, and I have to remind my self what my therypist tells you are a female whether or not you present that way right now and when the time is right you will show the world your true self.

 

Hugs,

Billie

Link to comment

I’ve been on hrt for nine months and love the feeling! I have always had an instinct to respond as a female but fought it back my whole life. Hrt gives me permission to act naturally. A woman noticed my earrings for the first today. I’ve known her for years and we meet at a toastmasters club in person and on zoom every week. She asked how long I had had them and my response was to smile and do a little shimmy with my shoulders to show my appreciation for the comments and to encourage the conversation in a female to female flirtatious way. I didn’t even think about it. It just happened and her response was a similar brightness in the eyes and a sudden realization of the unspoken body language. It just feels like my body is primed to respond to female cues. I go back in my memory now at first encounters with people I’ve met over the years and I drop the “masc” mask in my recollection and just imagine my self responding the way I really wanted to respond, and I imagine how the conversation or relationship might have developed differently. It feels great to smile, to blush, to experience emotions, to giggle without feeling embarrassed about it or fighting it. it’s not a sexual thing at all. It’s just a hormonal response that has been there all along and was repressed. I’m not dressing up or wearing makeup but my body language and vocal intonations are certainly developing, along with the other physical changes which are getting harder not to notice. It’s like Agnes is taking control and running the show and the voice in my head that used to drown that out is getting quieter and more understanding and compassionate. I don’t feel the need to prove anything by dressing a certain way, but I think that will probably happen gradually over time as a natural extension of who I am. I’m athletic and feel comfortable in sweats or leggings and I know a lot of other women my age who dress the same way so I don’t feel out of place. But I can foresee a day when I may have to present in a professional setting or a casual evening setting where something appropriate to the occasion might be called for. Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

Link to comment
  • Forum Moderator
5 minutes ago, AgnesBardsie said:

Heck it’s only been nine months! And I have another 20 years plus to enjoy my new life. No hurry!

That’s great @AgnesBardsie

 

Hugs,

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

Link to comment

@Jamey No worries hon (Southern girl's pronoun for everyone). I was trying to stir up a little humor. But, as Charlize has set the stage I'm thinking I need a gate.

 

Hugs!

Delcina

Link to comment
  • 10 months later...

I don't wear male clothing anymore, because I packed it all the good stuff ready to be given to others and thrown away all the stuff that looks second hand.  I wear dresses more often than not, mostly because they equate to less weight and space in my backpack - practicality, I ride a bicycle to and from work.  Length of time since last wearing an outfit plays a pretty big part in my choice of outfits to wear.
PS.  For a special night out, I always wear one of my prettiest dresses.  Dressing down would spoil the night.

Link to comment

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

Link to comment
  • 3 weeks later...

This is quite an interesting topic for me as well, cool that folks are discussing this.  Even after 14+ months of HRT I still have to make a substantial effort to present fem.  Even with my long hair, if I put it in a pony tail, throw on a baseball hat, pair of carharts and a hoodie, plus my big black boots (basically my uniform since high school) I look virtually the same as I did before HRT, no one questions I'm cis-male.  Part of that is likely cause all the men's clothes I still have are quite baggy (I never liked my body so didn't want to have to look at it), but I think the biggest thing is my voice which is a whole different thing...

 

I left my job some months ago and had some medical issues (not transition related) which means I've been out of work for longer then planned.  So, I decided that I'm going to be applying for my new job, I've got a standing offer, as Kerry instead of Kevin.  So, lots of clothes shopping and makeup practice for me.  I'm still struggling with being fully comfortable presenting fem, fingers crossed it gets better when I'm doing it everyday.  It's been allot of thought for me about how to present myself both as I feel authentically and as a professional, since I'm a substance use counselor and want to show my clients I respect them enough to look like I give a -crap- about myself.  The being a counselor part is lucky for me since the vast majority of counseling agencies are very progressive when it comes to LGBTQ issues (at least where I live), and having someone on staff with experience working with that community is a big gold star for them. 
 

Link to comment
On 12/3/2022 at 2:31 PM, Betty K said:

Hi @Jamey, nice to meet you. I wonder how other people respond to you on those days when you dress in jeans and a t-shirt? Do they treat you as male? And if so, do you correct them? I know for myself that jeans and a t-shirt can cause people to think of me as male, and while this hurts, it also gives me a day of rest from time to time during which I don’t feel so watched. In my case, I am out to every significant person in my life including workmates, so I don’t feel inauthentic so much as slightly eroded somehow in my sense of myself. But when I was still working with clients who did not know I was trans, and wearing jeans and t-shirt while I did so, that felt inauthentic. 

 

I guess what I’m saying is, yes, authenticity is about how we feel on the inside, but it’s also about how we communicate that feeling to others. Maybe, in jeans and t-shirt, you feel you’re hiding in plain sight?

f they already know me, it's no problem. I do feel like I'm hiding in plain sight in jeans and a t-shirt; it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude". It's nice to meet you, too 🥰

Link to comment
  • 1 month later...
On 12/21/2022 at 2:16 PM, Jamey-Heather said:

 it feels icky when I get talked to as a "Dude".

Completely agree. Online has kind of been an escape for me on this front. People immediately don't assume what I was born as when chatting, it's nice just being able to be you online. 

Link to comment

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Who's Online   5 Members, 0 Anonymous, 131 Guests (See full list)

    • Wasylyna
    • SamC
    • April Marie
    • Maddee
    • Willow
  • Recently Browsing   0 members

    • No registered users viewing this page.
  • Forum Statistics

    • Total Topics
      80.7k
    • Total Posts
      768.3k
  • Member Statistics

    • Total Members
      12,023
    • Most Online
      8,356

    Delaney
    Newest Member
    Delaney
    Joined
  • Today's Birthdays

    1. Dillon
      Dillon
    2. Kaylee888
      Kaylee888
    3. lily100
      lily100
      (39 years old)
    4. Luce
      Luce
      (44 years old)
    5. Luke.S
      Luke.S
  • Posts

    • violet r
      I use my  chosen name online and when ever I can. I play some online game and only go by that name. That is how everyone there know me. Yes it does feel great to be called the name you prefer. 
    • Breezy Victor
      I was ten years old when my mom walked in on me frolicking around my room dressed up in her bra, panties, and some pantyhose. I had been doing this in the privacy of my bedroom for a little while now so I had my own little stash box I kept full of different panties, bras, etc ... of hers. My mom's underwear was so easy for me to come by and she was a very attractive woman, classy, elegant. Well when she walked in on me, she looked at me with disgust and said to me... "If I wanted to run around like mommy's little girl instead of mommy's little boy, then she was going to treat me like mommy's little girl."  She left my bedroom after telling me NOT to change or get dressed or anything and returned with a few of her work skirts and blouses and such. She made me model off her outfits for her and I have to admit ... I LOVED EVERY SECOND OF IT. I felt so sexy, and feminine. And she knew I loved it.  She told me we can do this every weekend if I'd like. It would be OUR little secret. 
    • awkward-yet-sweet
      The usual social ways, of course.  Taking care of my partners and stepkids, being involved in my community.  That makes me feel good about my role.   As for physical validation and gender... probably the most euphoric experience is sex.  I grew up with my mother telling me that my flat and boyish body was strange, that my intersex anatomy was shameful, that no man would want me. So experiencing what I was told I could never have is physical proof that I'm actually worth something.  
    • KathyLauren
      <Moderator hat on>  I think that, at this point we need to get the thread back onto the topic, which is the judge's ruling on the ballot proposition.  If there is more to be said on the general principles of gendered spaces etc., please discuss them, carefully and respectfully, in separate threads. <Moderator hat off>
    • Abigail Genevieve
      People who have no understanding of transgender conditions should not be making policy for people dealing with it. Since it is such a small percentage of the population, and each individual is unique, and their circumstances are also unique, each situation needs to be worked with individually to see that the best possible solution is implemented for those involved. 
    • Abigail Genevieve
      No.  You are getting stuck on one statement and pulling it out of context.   Trans kids have rights, but so do non-trans kids.  That conflict is best worked out in the individual situation. 
    • MaeBe
      I get the concept, I believe. You're trying to state that trans kids need to or should be excluded from binary gender spaces and that you acknowledge that answers to accommodate those kids may not be found through policy. I disagree with the capability of "penetration" as being the operative delimiter in the statement, however. I contest this statement is poorly chosen at best and smacks of prejudice at worst. That it perpetuates certain stereotypes, whether that was the intent or not.   Frankly, all kids should have the right to privacy in locker rooms, regardless of gender, sexuality, or anatomy. They should also have access to exercise and activities that other kids do and allow them to socialize in those activities. The more kids are othered, extracted, or barred from the typical school day the more isolated and stigmatized they become. That's not healthy for anyone, the excluded for obvious reasons and the included for others--namely they get to be the "haves" and all that entails.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Context.  Read the context.  Good grief.
    • MaeBe
      Please don't expect people to read manifold pages of fiction to understand a post.   There was a pointed statement made, and I responded to it. The statement used the term penetration, not "dissimilar anatomy causing social discomfiture", or some other reason. It was extended as a "rule" across very different social situations as well, locker and girl's bedrooms. How that term is used in most situations is to infer sexual contact, so most readers would read that and think the statement is that we "need to keep trans girl's penises out of cis girls", which reads very closely to the idea that trans people are often portrayed as sexual predators.   I understand we can't always get all of our thoughts onto the page, but this doesn't read like an under-cooked idea or a lingual short cut.
    • Ashley0616
      I shopped online in the beginning of transition. I had great success with SHEIN and Torrid!
    • Abigail Genevieve
      Have you read the rest of what I wrote?   Please read between the lines of what I said about high school.  Go over and read my Taylor story.  Put two and two together.   That is all I will say about that.
    • Abigail Genevieve
      "I feel like I lost my husband," Lois told the therapist,"I want the man I married." Dr. Smith looked at Odie, sitting there in his men's clothing, looking awkward and embarrassed. "You have him.  This is just a part of him you did not know about. Or did not face." She turned to Odie,"Did you tear my wedding dress on our wedding night?" He admitted it.  She had a whole catalog of did-you and how-could you.  Dr. Smith encouraged her to let it all out. Thirty years of marriage.  Strange makeup in the bathroom.  The kids finding women's laundry in the laundry room. There was reconciliation. "What do we do now?" Dr. Smith said they had to work that out.  Odie began wearing women's clothing when not at work.  They visited a cross-dressers' social club but it did not appeal to them.  The bed was off limits to cross dressing.  She had limits and he could respect her limits.  Visits to relatives would be with him in men's clothing.    "You have nail polish residue," a co-worker pointed out.  Sure enough, the bottom of his left pinky nail was bright pink  His boss asked him to go home and fix it.  He did.   People were talking, he was sure, because he doubted he was anywhere as thorough as he wanted to be.  It was like something in him wanted to tell everyone what he was doing, and he was sloppy.   His boss dropped off some needed paperwork on a Saturday unexpectedly and found Odie dressed in a house dress and wig.  "What?" the boss said, shook his head, and left.  None of his business.   "People are talking," Lois said. "They are asking about this," she pointed to his denim skirt. "This seems to go past or deeper than cross dressing."   "Yes.  I guess we need some counseling."  And they went.
    • April Marie
      You look wonderful!!! A rose among the roses.
    • Ashley0616
      Mine would be SHEIN as much as I have bought from them lol.
    • MaeBe
      This is the persistence in thinking of trans girls as predators and, as if, they are the only kind of predation that happens in locker rooms. This is strikingly close to the dangerous myth that anatomy corresponds with sexuality and equates to gender.
  • Upcoming Events

Contact TransPulse

TransPulse can be contacted in the following ways:

Email: Click Here.

To report an error on this page.

Legal

Your use of this site is subject to the following rules and policies, whether you have read them or not.

Terms of Use
Privacy Policy
DMCA Policy
Community Rules

Hosting

Upstream hosting for TransPulse provided by QnEZ.

Sponsorship

Special consideration for TransPulse is kindly provided by The Breast Form Store.
×
×
  • Create New...