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Heavily questioning my identity


Rocknrollsnotdead

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Hello, I’ve been questioning my gender identity lately and I don’t know where to start. As a young child I remember not wanting to wear a girl’s swimsuit, I wanted to be like a boy and only wear shorts. When my boobs started to grow, I just wanted to make them dissapear and would get upset when the other girls commented on them. As a teenager, I insisted on getting boxers and male’s clothes because it just felt right. I never felt any attraction towards the guys in my school but I was really jealous of them, I wanted to have bros too, brawl and talk about chicks with them but it was never possible. I came out as a lesbian at 18 years old after repressing my craving to have a male body and that was good enough until now. I have a wonderful girlfriend who supports me and after having a talk with her, it made me more confident and less scared about myself. I always liked touching women but would feel odd when they returned the favor… I’d like to know if anyone had the same experience before coming to terms with their true self, if that makes sense. 

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Do you mind if I call you Rocky? I believe you are in the right place. There are many of us with similar stories of growing up, despising our birth gender, and yearning to be the boy or girl we believe ourselves to be. Over the years I despised buying men's clothing. Prior to buying a new women's wardrobe, I spent more on women's clothing that men's clothing over a 10 year period.

 

As for orientation, I can understand what you are saying completely. We all have different orientations that should be respected.

I do not think anybody can predict it or change it for you. As I was growing up, and to this day, I have no desire for a male-to-male encounter. On the other hand, I frequently fantasized about being a woman with a man. I remember one fateful day while I was daydreaming in a class and I could swear I felt as though I was being penetrated feeling every thrust. Then without warning, I had an earth-shattering orgasm in that class that was so embarrassing. My legs shook as my back arched. I tried to hide the front of my pants. I still have those thoughts and feelings. 

 

There is nothing wrong with you. All of what you said makes great sense. If you have a great relationship, be the guy you want to be. Be the best you, that you can be. Make it happen and enjoy your life. 

 

Sincerely

Katie

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Welcome, I see this is your first post.  While I'm on the other end of the equation, your feelings are not out of place.  There are lots of clues that race around our heads and hearts before we come to realize the obvious.  Coming to terms with our true selves is the tricky part as we do not live in a vacuum.  We need to love and be loved.  You seem to be in a good place there.  Take baby steps.  Change up your way of dressing and presentation.  I'm sure you know what I am relating to as this has been with you for some time.  

 

Cheers, Jani

 

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Good evening Rocknrollisnotdead, yeah Rocky as you were called by @Katie23. Welcome to TransPulseForums, you’ll find this to be a safe place where your feelings are similar with people just like you, and those of us on the other side of the spectrum. 
 

Best wishes, stay positive, and safe.

 

Mindy🐛🏳️‍⚧️🦋

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Thanks so much for your replies, I feel way less alone and I’m glad I found a safe place to open up and inform myself. Wishing you all the best!

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Hey, somebody else who's questioning! Hello and welcome!

My feelings are different than yours on multiple levels (never really thought of myself as anything, felt oddly detached from gender concepts until more recently, aro-ace, etc), but it's totally normal to question stuff. I frequently thought of myself as androgynous, no boobs and with very close cropped or shaved hair, which isn't even close to what I actually look like. And I was super uncomfortable with my breasts too! Still kind of am, but in a more "These are annoying, I want a refund" way. And then came the inevitable fanfiction dive, where I slowly stopped being able to relate to the female characters (if I ever could, which I don't think I did), and now they're super hard to write in my own stories! At least I know that "woman" is not something I want to be!

Either way, narrowing down what you know you aren't or don't want is a pretty good stepping off point because it lets you narrow down your options a tiny bit. And there's lot of tips and information about everything from binding to hormones to surgeries, but those are things that you want to think about and make informed decisions on. Above all, do your research (and I mean all of it on whatever it is you want to know more about), stay safe, and ask lots of questions! If you don't ask questions, you don't learn. Such is the beauty of human nature.

Have fun, and I'm proud of you! :D

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